


Inflection Point

by gyeommark



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Love Triangles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:27:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 99,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21789016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gyeommark/pseuds/gyeommark
Summary: in·flec·tion pointa time of significant change in a situation; a turning point.Bad luck, poor choices and awful judgement. That was your life summarized in a short sentence and even more so than before, you were sure that life had the worst ways of testing you. How exactly did you end up stuck between the two, pretty much literally? You scolded yourself when you realized you had a crush on him and then you wanted to disappear into an abyss when you agreed to do the stupidest thing in the world with the other one.[Inspired by ATBILB and pretty much all the fake relationship!AUs I’ve ever read in my 24 years of being alive].
Relationships: Oh Sehun/Reader, Park Chanyeol & Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

**Warnings:** Strong/explicit language, explicit sexual situations (in future chapters), and a lot more that you’ll catch onto along the way.

**A/N:** As I mentioned before, this was inspired by All The Boys I Loved Before and a bunch of fake relationship!aus that I’ve read so far. It’s not intended to offend anyone or any of the sort. I also, obviously, don’t own Park Chanyeol and Oh Sehun and the rest of EXO, so there’s that. 

______________________

You would’ve really appreciated it if someone had given you a heads-up about life when you start university and how fucked up it could get. If you were being a hundred percent honest about the whole thing, you would’ve loved to have the extraterrestrial ability to see the future or have any sort of power over reality, like a sitcom from the late nineties or the beginning of the 21st century, you would’ve killed to be Raven Baxter or Sabrina Spellman but life really was a bitch.

And thus, you hated life. You hated life even before it started to spiral out of control.

You were standing in the middle of the auditorium for a reason that you had yet to wrap your head upon. Weren’t cheesy welcoming ceremonies just a myth? Weren’t they supposed to be long forgotten? A thing from the eighties, maybe?

You scoffed as you crossed your arms over your chest and you tried really hard to move away from the crowd. Seeing the dean say and do such ridiculous things to ‘welcome’ the newbies as sophomores and seniors watched from the sidelines was really something you could’ve lived without, and if you were being honest, it was sort of, kind of, very much so, making you physically ill.

“Aren’t we too old for this? Are your eyes and ears bleeding as well?” You heard a deep male voice mumble from somewhere behind you. It would’ve startled you, if it weren’t for the intense, impossible to ignore, nausea you were dealing with at the moment.

You looked from the corner of your eye only to find an extremely tall man, hands tucked in his pockets, hair sporting a bright red color, standing nonchalantly close to you and who was staring at you, waiting for some kind of response.

You scoffed and crossed your arms over your chest. At least you weren’t the only one thinking this was extremely unnecessary.

He was quite a sight if you were being completely honest and it was such a shame that you weren’t able to see the future, if that were to happen, it would’ve saved the two of you a lot of trouble.

“Ah, did I get blood mixed with puke and brains on you? I apologize”. To say that you were extremely annoyed by the whole situation was an understatement and that obviously showed onto the way you decided to reply to this man.

At that moment you thought about all the life choices that brought you onto that situation and you scolded yourself for not going to the same college as your best friend. If you had done so you wouldn’t be standing here, alone but not really, bearing this embarrassment with a complete stranger and at least you could’ve been making jokes and whatnot with your life-long friend but no.

The red haired man laughed as he looked down to his feet and he shuffled a bit closer to you, making you a bit uncomfortable because… well, he was someone who you’ve never seen before and your mom clearly told you to stir away from strangers at all costs but, again, when did you ever do as you were expected?

You saw his eyes crinkling beyond belief as he tried to muffle his laugh and you cursed yourself for noticing those things about someone you had met merely minutes ago. How was it possible to be such a giant man but still have an oozing childish aura? This man proved your suspicions wrong in every single way and that was when your mind started to race.

“They’ll come off after I get the clothes to the dry-cleaner, don’t worry”. He said again, looking at you with raised eyebrows and a suppressed smile. “I’m Chanyeol, by the way”.

“Hello, Chanyeol by the way”. You smirked, not proud about your dad joke but who even cared anyways?

And that, that’s the moment, now that you looked back into it, that you should’ve known better; but life is a bitch and Chanyeol… well, Chanyeol was an annoying, charming, funny, son of a gun. Not that you knew it the moment you met him but you were going to learn that as time passed by and, because of that, you were wishing, once more, that you could’ve seen this coming.

Chanyeol scoffed, eyes shut tight as he shook his head in half disbelief, half amusement at your lame joke. He pinched the bridge of his nose with his index and thumb as he exhaled, seemingly annoyed.

After the coma-inducing, welcome speech imparted by the Dean, hundredths of freshmen scattered out of the auditorium onto the campus and you thought that you all must’ve looked like frenzy sheep running around the open field and you scoffed to yourself, temporarily forgetting that you were not walking alone.

“Thought of another dad joke? Shoot it, I wanna hear”. Chanyeol’s voice made you frown for a split second.

“My jokes are great, you don’t even know me”. You suppressed a laugh, Chanyeol smiled down at you as he nodded slowly.

“Fair point. I barely got your name even after putting up with… whatever those last forty minutes were, next to you”. You raised your eyebrows, as you tucked your hands in the back pockets of your jeans.

“Oh, forgive me, I don’t go around blabbering about myself to people I just met unlike you, Chanyeol by the way who is majoring in music, has an older sister and a small dog back in his home town”.

Chanyeol cackled, slightly pushing you with his shoulder.

“Quick question…” Chanyeol asked after clearing his throat, to which you raised an expecting eyebrow. “I don’t mean to pry or anything but why were you all alone back there? These days we come to university with at least another friend, it’s not like before when everyone parted ways”.

A part of you wanted to laugh at his stereotypes but the other side of you wanted to cry, or at least just whine, because you and your best friend weren’t together and you basically had no one in the entire university. Chanyeol was right, unfortunately, and for a split second you didn’t know how to respond or react.

You let out a chuckle, blowing a sneaky strand of hair away from your face as you ever so discretely turned away from him so that he couldn’t see the slight panic taking over your features.

“My circle of friends is not that big, really”. You chuckled and you prayed that he couldn’t see through your façade. “I’m more of a loner type, if you want to put it like that”. You said before biting the inside of your cheek and took out your cellphone to pretend the conversation didn’t hit very close to home. “I could say the same about you, honestly, why would anyone approach a completely stranger in the middle of such a weird event?”

“Oh…” Chanyeol’s monosyllabic answer only made you grew even more anxious and you desperately wanted to get home and sulk in the comfort of junk food and a video call to either your best friend or your mom, really. “My friends decided it was useless to attend the welcoming so I came on my own while they stayed home and played videogames. With that said, I guess that means you’ll have no choice but to hang out with us”.

His words caught you by surprise. Who was so trusting and open with strangers nowadays? Chanyeol, apparently. He snatched your phone out of your hand and before you could complain, or at least flinch for that matter, he managed to add himself onto your contacts before handing the device back to you.

“Pretty girl like you shouldn’t be all alone all the time, it’s not safe. Call me whenever, I’m here”. You frowned, taking your phone back from him, still barely able to process the whole thing that was developing in front of your eyes.

“Pretty girl like me can take care of herself”. To your words, Chanyeol raised his eyebrows, maybe you had come off ruder than you intended so, instantly, you tried to lessen the damage. “But thank you, Chanyeol by the way”.

He chuckled one more time. He was easily amused and you made a mental note about it.

“I was going to ask if you’d ever not call me that but I guess you won’t”. He shook his head in apparent disbelief but the sly grin on his face threw him under the bus and for a reason that you didn’t quite understand, you felt your heart grew a little bit inside of your chest, a sensation that you quickly disregarded and categorized as the beginning of nice friendship.

Without realizing it, you already were at your bus stop so you turned around to look up at the red-haired man.

“I’ll stay here”. You mumbled, quite unsure of what you were supposed to say next, as your eyes frantically looked for the bus that would take you home.

“Ok, great! Let me know when you get home and I’ll see you around, sassy one”. Chanyeol smiled down at you, showing off the dimple on his cheek. You rolled your eyes at his lame nickname but you smiled too, nonetheless.

When he took a step forward, though, you panicked one more time, widening your eyes and watching his every move closely, thinking that he couldn’t be as daring with someone he just met. A million scenarios played inside your head but when he extended his arm and ruffled up your hair, you sighed in relief.

Chanyeol smiled brightly at you one more time before continuing to go his merry way, tucking his hands in the pockets of his black jeans and you couldn’t help but fix your eyes on his back as he walked away.

There still was that strange feeling in both your chest and the pit of your stomach. You felt both uneasy but really calm at the same time and you grew frustrated because you really didn’t know the reasoning behind that.

You could’ve easily walked home but you were afraid that if you did so, Chanyeol would tag along, so you took an unnecessary five minute bus ride. Once inside your apartment, you dropped your bag somewhere near the door and you groaned, taking off your shoes and proceeding to rag your fridge to find something to munch on.

You felt your phone ring, still inside of your pocket and you saw your best friend’s name appearing on your screen. For the nth time that day, you sighed, sliding your finger across the screen to answer her call.

“Hey, you, how was your almost first day at college?” Your friend said cheerfully, a bright smile taking over her delicate features and you missed her even more than before.

She was the definition of a bright, positive person that everyone loved to be around; always sparing smiles and kind words to people, whereas you were pretty much the exact opposite and maybe that was why your friendship worked out so perfectly.

“It could’ve been avoided”. You mumbled, still eating away at the bag of chips that you found at the back of a shelf.

“That bad?” She asked as she, simultaneously, took a bite of something that looked like a grilled cheese sandwich.

“Who even does welcoming speeches anyways? Most of us are either in our twenties or close to being there so why even bother trying to cheer up a bunch of moody young adults?” You complained.

“Darling, not all people are like you but I do agree that it’s unnecessary”. Your best friend chuckled when she saw you rolling your eyes at her words and then started going off about how her first day was and how she had already clicked with not only her roommate but also a group of girls from her same major.

And god did you miss her.

“What about you? Made any new friends that you’ll change me over with?” You let out a dry laugh and then you remembered Chanyeol.

“Not really, just this one overly talkative guy but I highly doubt he’ll even come close to taking your place”. You said, nonchalantly as you took a sip of your homemade iced coffee.

“A guy huh? What’s he like? Is he cute?” She leaned in closer to the screen and you shook your head at her interest in the matter.

“He’s tall, very tall and he has red hair. His name’s Chanyeol by the way”. You snorted, still amused but also ashamed by how lame your joke was. Your best friend rolled her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, much like Chanyeol had done a couple hours ago.

“Tell me you didn’t used that lame dad joke on him, please”. She shook her head and you couldn’t help but laugh.

“Excuse you, miss, but hell yeah I did”. Your apparent pride on your joke only made your best friend groan, even though she still had a smile on her face, and then she proceeded to ask about every single detail about how you two met.

“So he approached you, huh? Weird… And he didn’t bail on you after your lame jokes and unnecessarily smart-ass replies, even weirder!”

You scoffed. Fake surprise was only amusing when you were the one doing it.

“Yes, he’s weird. Who even snatches someone’s phone after meeting them for like, less than an hour, if it’s not for stealing said phone?” You shook your head in disbelief, still overanalyzing your interactions of the day when your friend’s high pitched ‘what?!’ made you jump out of your skin.

“So… you like this Chanyeol guy”. She said, very sure of herself to which you could only frown, wondering how on Earth had she reached that conclusion.

“What? I never said I liked the dude, I’m just telling you about my first day at university and how bizarre it was and that I happened to meet him in the midst of all this and also about how much it freaked me out to see someone as tall as him up close”. The speed of your words honestly took you by surprise but you didn’t give it much importance.

“That means you like him”. Your best friend stated, very sure of herself, once again. You snorted.

“In what world saying that I think someone is freakishly tall automatically means I like said person?” You raised a single eyebrow and leaned back onto your couch as you waited for yet another reply from her.

“Just the fact that meeting him is the most out-standing part of your day leads me to think you have a crush-at-first-sight on this Chanyeol guy”. She smiled an arrogant smiled that she only used when she thought she knew you better than you knew yourself.

“You’re delusional”. You laughed as you shook your head an rolled your eyes. “Go to sleep, you’re starting to lose it”.

Your best friend could all but laugh and clap her hands about what she said it was the discovery of the century.

After saying your goodbyes and promising to call each other the next day, the call ended. You wrapped yourself even tighter onto your blanket and sighed, not very ecstatic about your next day and also quite confused.

Your best friend’s words had made a permanent home in the back of your mind, torturing you until you went to bed and you tried really freaking hard to convince yourself that she was wrong.

She didn’t know you better than you knew yourself, did she?

Love at first sight is definitely not a thing.

______________________


	2. Chapter 2

________________________  
As you had predicted, maybe even predisposed yourself, getting out of bed to go to class was harder than ever before and that was saying much, since high school is not the merriest of moments in people’s lives.

You momentarily blinded yourself with your phone’s bright screen to turn off the alarm when you noticed you had around five or so text messages. Your barely awake mind had trouble figuring out who might’ve texted you with such urgency.

You groaned as you sat up straight and rubbed your eyes before unlocking your phone and opening the messages app, you had to stifle a laugh when you read the name at the top of the list.

_**[Chanyeol by the way]:** “I’m going to go ahead and assume you got home safe and sound even though you didn’t text me”  
**[Chanyeol by the way]:** “But seriously, did you?”_

_**[Chanyeol by the way]:** “Am I being paranoid?”  
**[Chanyeol by the way]:** “Do you even remember who I am, though? That’s the real question here…”  
**[Chanyeol by the way]:** “I even saved myself as Chanyeol by the way to amuse you. See you tomorrow, then”_

The last thing you wanted to wake up to was the ever so persistent confusion about your first day at college, followed by the perturbing words from your best friend that you thought would disappear from your brain after a well deserved night of sleep and yet, everything came crashing back to you because of the texts he had sent.

Would it be rude if you didn’t answer though? Would he think you were lame if you apologized before saying anything else?

You scoffed and you decided to dwell over it while you took a shower and got ready to head out.

The hot water did its job on relaxing your muscles and refreshing your skin but it didn’t really help with the mess that was going on inside your head.

 _You. Don’t. Like. Chanyeol._ You kept repeating over and over again; when you washed your hair furiously, trying to forget his impromptu display of affection by ruffling it the day before; when you applied moisturizer to your face and you remembered his deep dimple; when you unlocked your phone to change the song and you remembered that you still hadn’t answered his text.

“Damn it”. You whined, finally mustering up some sort of conviction to reply.

_**[You]:** “Oops?”_

You almost smacked yourself on the head after you hit send without giving it more thought. Oops?! What kind of reply was oops?.

_**[You]:** “Fell asleep immediately after getting home. Sorry. Have a good day”_

It seemed as if your brain was not functioning as it was supposed to and you really worried about your performance on your official first day full of classes and lectures and whatnot but would that little white lie really hurt him? You seriously doubted it. 

You didn’t bother checking your phone much after that because you were sure you had made a fool of yourself, but given the amount time that you had spent dwelling over Chanyeol related things, you decided you needed a well deserved break and you sprinted out of your home onto campus, blasting music full volume through your earphones to try and muffle the very loud thoughts that persisted in the back of your head.

After ten minutes or so of walking around in search of your first class, you finally found your destination and walked inside the room gasping for air but also relieved that you had made it in before the professor.

You scanned the room, looking for a decent seat and that’s when you saw the bright red head in the middle of the crowd. You cursed through gritted teeth, as you tried to hide yourself behind a curtain of your own hair and walked to a seat that was neither at the front nor at the very back, hoping that he hadn’t spotted you.

“Hey!” You heard an unfortunate deep, raspy voice yell and you wanted to melt. You pursed your lips. Maybe if you pretended you couldn’t hear, he would leave you alone. “Hey! Sassy one!” The voice insisted and when you heard some laughter behind you, you really wanted to get up and flee.

“Hi, Chanyeol _by the way_ , hello”. You said, voice barely audible. You only caved in to say hi because you didn’t want him drawing any more attention to you, which with his yelling, he had already started to do, in the first place. You slowly turned to look over your shoulder to find him hanging out with a couple other guys, which were also surprisingly decent looking, if you were being honest.

Was it really too much to ask to have some smooth sailing, uneventful days at university where you could just go unnoticed and unbothered until you got back home?

He raised his eyebrows and smiled as he cheerfully waved at you, ignoring the snorts of his friends when they heard the way you had called him.

“What are you doing in a Corporate Communications class?” Chanyeol whispered-yelled, leaning over his seat, his eyebrows still raised so high that it caused wrinkles to form on his forehead. in reflex, you leaned away from him, even if he was nowhere near bursting your personal space bubble.

“I’m a journalism major, Chanyeol, I pretty much have to take at least one class about every subject you can imagine”. You sighed, crooking an eyebrow. His mouth open, as if saying ‘ah’ and he nodded in understanding; you had never felt as relieved to see a professor walk in into a classroom more than you did so in that moment.

You took in a deep breath and closed your eyes, trying to relax again.

After around half an hour or so, you felt your phone vibrate in your jacket pocket and if it weren’t for the fact that this was basically an introduction for the course and the professor wasn’t giving out the most relevant of information, you decided to check it.

_**[Chanyeol by the way]:** “Fancy meeting you here. On a scale from one to ten, how dead are you feeling right now?”_

You snorted and you rubbed your eyes, trying to not turn around and throw something at him. You didn’t laugh because you found it genuinely funny but because you could clearly picture him wiggling his eyebrows at you.

_**[You]:** “Probably like a billion but still… shut up and pay attention”._

You were quite proud of how discrete you could be when you needed to, like when you went to a family meeting and had to pretend you didn’t want to burn all of the people there at the stake or like when you went to high school parties and you had to pretend you weren’t hammered as fuck when you got back home at three in the morning and then when you woke up you had to pretend that your hangover wasn’t killing you and you didn’t want to barf at every second of every minute of the entire day… But Chanyeol… Apparently Chanyeol didn’t even know the word ‘discretion’ existed.

You heard him let out a dry cackle and complain immediately after, hissing sharply and you could all but assume one of his friends had physically attacked him to keep him quiet.

The constant bouncing of your leg was a sign that your stress levels were increasing by the minute and you knew you weren’t stressed because of the class, at all, but because you could feel at least a few set of eyes burning a hole in the back of your head, so when the professor shut close his computer, you hurried to pack up your belongings and get out of there.

There was only so much you could do in your free time between classes. It’s not like you could go back to your place and kill time because you were sure you’d probably curl up and sleep and lose track of literally everything, so you opted for the latter, which was walk around until you found a nice diner or a coffee shop to sit down at and read, or write or watch idiotic videos on your cellphone.

After almost twenty minutes or so of walking without a fixed destination in mind, you came across a picturesque coffee shop. The furniture was all mismatched and there were classic paintings on the walls, some Van Goghs, some Munchs and you couldn’t help but smile when you spotted Boticelli’s The Birth of Venus hanging on the furthest wall. In that instant you claimed the table under that painting as your own.

You were ridiculous like that, your mother had always made fun of your random displays of obsessive compulsive disorder.

A waiter came around a few minutes after you had sat down to take your order and you were ecstatic about the prizes they had; there’s only so much money a college student can have. You ordered a latte and you gave yourself a moment to relax, trying to forget about the stress of being stuck in a classroom with the person that was making a mess out of your logical train of thought.

It was as if he was a telepath of sorts because anytime your mind trailed off to analyze the whole situation your friend had brought up about you liking Chanyeol, your phone chirped and you groaned, seeing his name flashing on the screen.

Who even made calls nowadays when you could text or send voice messages? What a weirdo.

“You disappeared”. His cheerful tone of voice wasn’t as happy and bubbly and you asked yourself why would he care if you disappeared or not. It wasn’t like you were the closest of friends. You had literally just met the day before.

“I had to eat something”. You replied, with sort of a dry tone and you were aware. It’s not like it was your intention to come off as uninterested or hostile, it was just that you didn’t quite know how to act or talk to him.

“Jesus, I’m hungry too, we could’ve tagged along. Selfish”. You couldn’t help the giggle that escaped your lips at his childish answer.

“Again, sorry. Like I said before, I’m not much of a people person”. You excused yourself, taking a sip of your latte to ease the tension that came with having a conversation with Chanyeol.

“And like I said before, that will change. Enjoy your food without me, selfish human”. You disregarded his attempt of a guilt inducing answer with a ‘yeah, right’.

Why did Chanyeol have the ability to make you smile even when there really wasn’t a particular reason to do so? Why did your brain turn into mush with the bare thought of him smiling at you?

You frowned as you typed in a quick text to your best friend.

_**[You]:** “What did you mean about me liking Chanyeol?”_

A couple minutes later your phone vibrated again, interrupting the video of some bloopers you had come across while scrolling through your feed.

_**[bff]:** “I love it when you admit defeat”._

You didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at your best friend’s reply, more accurately, about the fact that she was right.

Time passed by and you were grateful that your next couple classes for the day were exclusively for journalism majors, there was no way in hell you would bump into Chanyeol at your Photojournalism class or at the Mass Media Law lecture so, finally you were able to pretend everything was completely fine and you were strolling through a meadow, even if it was just for a little bit, and focus on something other than him.

To say that you had mastered the art of sneaking away was an understatement. For the next couple weeks you managed to figure out his schedule and his habits… Not in a stalker sort of way but in an _I don’t want to see you because it freaks me the fuck out and confuses me even more_ sort of way.

You even made an effort to set your alarm fifteen minutes earlier, just so you could sneak in before he did and practically hide under your seat until you were sure he was in there and not able to see you, since you had practically made a home out of the last few rows in the lecture hall.

But of course, the downfall of it all was that sneaking and running around was obviously going to have its toll on you. Along with that, ignoring someone’s texts could only go for so long before, one: they would just stop bothering and forgot you existed or, two: pestering you even more so and turning into full on detective mode until they got an answer out of you.

You really prayed that with Chanyeol it wouldn’t be the latter. But then again, you didn’t really know him, your construction on Chanyeol was based solely on the first day you met, the second day when you had ran onto him at that class and the couple dozens of texts he had sent your way.

Your capability of reading people could only go as far and you weren’t even close to being a pshychoanalyst. Maybe Chanyeol was just being a nice, decent human being by being friendly towards you, maybe he was even doing it out of feeling sorry for the poor girl that was all alone in this huge campus.

Maybe, you tried to convince yourself, you didn’t mean anything to Chanyeol.

You hadn’t noticed your frown growing considerably bigger as you dealt with yet another inner crisis. It was only when a breeze hit you and a shiver ran down your spine that you remembered you were sitting on a bench at the quad, in plain sight. You remembered, as well, that you had to run away from there if you didn’t want to encounter Park Chanyeol but your legs were too sore, your head was starting to hurt and your stomach complained loudly about the lack of food being delivered to it in an extended period of time.

Your best friend’s words resonated inside of your head. You can’t run away forever, either accept you have a crush on him and deal with it or just try to move on from him and start seeing him as just a friend, an acquaintance even.

If only you’d listen to what people told you.

You felt someone sit down next to you and you looked out from the corner of your eye. Gulping down, trying to compose yourself.

“Ah, shit”. You murmured under your breath at the sight of Chanyeol next to you and his friends sitting around you as well.

“Hello, stranger. For a moment I thought you had died”. He chuckled for an instant before turning dead serious and frowning slightly, as if he had realized joking about death wasn’t funny at all. You scrunched up your nose, coming to terms with the fact that your plan had crumbled down in merely a matter of seconds.

 _Dying would’ve been nice. Better, actually._ You thought before forcing out a smile and shrugging in an uninterested manner.

“We saw you in that Communication class didn’t we?” One of his friends spoke up. His hair was as black as it could get, styled perfectly and accentuating his sharp features. You didn’t know his name, of course, but you could tell right away that he was probably the smartest of the bunch, or, at least, the more mature one. “Oh, sorry, I’m Minseok. Chanyeol has been complaining a lot lately about not seeing ‘the sassy one’ around, I assumed that was you”.

You felt a warm wave creeping up from your chest to your face and you knew exactly what that meant, unfortunately. You couldn’t let yourself blush, at least not in front of everyone when they were staring intently at you, waiting for a reply.

Chanyeol complained, almost kicking his friend to which the other two laughed. You forced out a smile as you tried to shake off the blush that threatened to show.

“This is Minseok, he’s usually well-mannered, excuse him. These other two idiots are Sehun and Jongin”. Chanyeol pointed to the other two males who laid carelessly on the grass in front of you and you wondered where they were from and what exactly did they eat to become so tall. Immediately, you wanted to protect Minseok, who looked extremely tiny next to them.

Jongin greeted you happily, smiling from ear to ear, whereas Sehun could only be bothered to nod in your direction, which almost made you scoff, so you only nodded at him as well.

They started chatting cheerfully and it almost felt like they were ignoring you, except for when something funny was said and either Chanyeol shook you by the shoulder to get a reaction out of you or Jongin raised his eyebrows at you.

Really, you would’ve preferred to not be involved with them at all but a part of you felt nice and warm with them around. Especially when you stopped sneaking around and you noticed that you actually shared more than a couple classes with them. It was nice to have company; someone to sit next to you and say idiotic things in boring lectures or someone to go to the coffee shop or the library with when you needed to work on an essay.

Company was nice and yes, you were a loner, but even the loneliest of people enjoyed having someone around from time to time. Almost like a pet but not quite.

As you exited your Creative Writing class, the last one for the day, it felt quite strange to not be yelled at by someone for you to wait for them, usually Chanyeol, and you took that as your chance to take a deep breath and try to clear up your mind, if that was even possible, which you highly doubted.

Before your knew it, almost two months in college had gone by and you had found yourself not only with a very eclectic group of friends but also with a crush that you had yet to own up to. Except for your best friend, who was miles away from you and who didn’t get to experience your strange life with you, no one really knew you had a thing for Park Chanyeol and, if you were being a thousandth percent truthful, you hadn’t completely come to terms with it either.

Admitting your own feelings had always been a difficulty ever since you could remember, so, you admitting that you had a crush on someone was as huge of a moment as when Jesus resurrected, quite groundbreaking.

But, in reality, there was no way you could deny it anymore.

You liked Park Chanyeol and you liked when he laughed out loud and clapped his hands, much like a seal, or hit whoever was closest to him and you felt giddy inside when he refrained hitting you and only rested his head on your shoulder as he squeezed his eyes shut beyond belief.

Your heart felt warm when he stared at you while you were talking; you liked it when he waited for you to finish a class so you could go get something to eat or drink; you loved it (secretly, of course), when you sat around together and he, so nonchalantly, put his arm around the backrest of your chair and shook you slightly to either make you laugh or force you to take his side in one of the many arguments they had amongst themselves.

But you hated the way you couldn’t seem to take him out of your head, like when you saw a stupid movie on the TV that made you laugh and you thought about how much he would’ve laughed over it, he’d laugh so hard he’d cry and his dimple would be on full display.

You hated the way you always expected to see at least one text from him in your cellphone either in the morning to wake you up and tell you you were running late or at night to wish you goodnight and remember you it was your turn to buy the coffees for the group.

It was a love-hate relationship… A one-sided love-hate relationship and you knew there couldn’t be anything that was more ridiculous than that.

You were halfway to your place when you heard someone yelling and running behind you, you got goosebumps and you thought _‘well, this is it for me’_ quite a pessimistic thought, but you were a woman walking around in the dark, all alone.

“What are you doing walking around alone like that, you’re going to get killed or something”. You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to shake off the fear from you when you saw one of the four men jogging to catch up with you. Out of all of them, you never expected Sehun to be the one to walk with you at night.

“That was what I was aiming for and you just ruined my plans, thank you”. You said, sarcastically, making Sehun roll his eyes and snort.

Out of the four, Sehun was probably the one that was more similar to you, in many ways. He was sarcastic and sharp-tongued, he stayed quiet most of the time and when he didn’t, he’d always come up with witty replies. But being very similar also came with a lot of arguments because you never admitted your wrongs and neither did he.

You could bicker on for days on end and you’d never reach an agreement, so seeing him jogging to catch up with you was pretty shocking.

“Next time I see you walking around, obviously daydreaming and not even paying attention to the cars speeding next to you, I’ll let you be and die”. He huffed, putting his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket.

For the most part, even if you two fought without any particular reason, there was an unspoken statement about the fact that you _did_ care for the other.

“You see, if that would get me out of the mid-terms then I’m down, I won’t even haunt you if you let me die”. You mumbled, looking for your keys in the front pocket of your bag, as you were now only a couple blocks away from your apartment.

“You got yourself a deal”. He wheezed.

When you reached the front door of your building, before you could say anything to Sehun, he patted your back with more force than needed almost knocking the air out of your lungs.

“See you tomorrow”. He raised his eyebrows at you and you just pursed your lips into a weak attempt of a smile to send him on his merry way.

Between the stress of the mid-terms, the emotional exhaustion brought by Park Chanyeol and your crazy sleep schedules, you really wanted to go to sleep and not wake up, even though you were aware you were just being overly dramatic.  
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	3. Chapter 3

It was as if your brain had blacked out during the week and a half that was filled with midterms. You weren’t even sure how you had managed to present your exams in the full-on zombie state you were in. You didn’t remember anything after that last night spent at the library with Minseok and Chanyeol studying for Corporate Communication.

You could only remember endlessly running your hands through your hair, to the point of worrying Chanyeol.

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s fine, you’re going to go bald if you keep doing that”. He said in a soothing voice, grabbing your wrist and granting you a sweet smile, a smile that didn’t help your concentration case in the slightest but had the complete opposite effect.

From the corner of your eye, you could see Minseok smiling and shaking his head and it frustrated you even more to not know what that meant but you let it slip because you literally didn’t have time to dwell on it and you wondered how on _Earth_ were Jongin and Sehun going to ace the exam when they weren’t even bothered to study.

Surprisingly enough, they passed as well and your body had played tricks on you, relieving stress in the weirdest of ways. A cold had hit you just after you handed in your last exam, basically, so the next Monday –after practically sleeping for almost three days– you were feeling quite weak and done with life but hey, it was just your first term in college. It’d get better, right? _Right?_

You dragged your feet from your home to the first lecture of the day and you cursed whoever put a World History lecture at eight a.m. on a Monday morning, but you managed to get to the hall on time and, once again, you dragged your feet to a secluded seat, where you were sure you were going to be able to get at least a couple minutes of sleep.

“It’d be a shame if someone noticed you’re sleeping in the middle of a lecture”. You distantly heard a voice say, dangerously close to you and in your dazed state you were able to feel a poke on your arm, startling you a little but not enough as to make you jump in surprise.

It took you almost a minute to recognize the voice that brought you back from dreamland. As far as you were concerned, you had chosen a seat relatively secluded and away from everybody, where the teacher couldn’t spot you easily and where you could enjoy a couple minutes of the sleep you were deprived from that same morning.

Then it hit you. You made a mental note to remember the barely-there lisp and the raspy, yet soft, tone. You made a mental note to remember it because you knew, somehow, that it’d become a constant in your life; much like Chanyeol, Sehun seemed to enjoy annoying you, especially since Chanyeol officially introduced his group of friends to you.

“Get lost, Oh Sehun”. You mumbled, slightly straightening yourself on your seat and running your fingers through your messy hair, trying to conceal the fact that you were almost drooling onto your notes.

“No can do, I wish I could but I have to sit through the two hours of this lecture, just as much as you do”. He said, leaning back on his chair. You scoffed, turning away from him to face the front once more. “You look distraught”. He mumbled, eyeing you from the corner of his eye and if it were anyone else, you knew you wouldn’t have noticed him doing it but his stare was so heavy and powerful, you were sure it would’ve pierced a whole through you if you were less annoyed at him.

“How did you expect me to be on a Monday at an 8 a.m. lecture on the different theories about Ancient Migration?” You whispered, leaning slightly closer to him just so he could hear your complaints.

“Joyful and eager to acquire knowledge because this is officially the first day after the exam period torture? Maybe?” He scoffed at his own sarcasm as he also leaned in closer to you, bumping elbows in the way. You rolled your eyes when you noticed his cheeky grin.

“It is common knowledge among the community that the physical, intellectual and emotional draught post-exams lasts at least a week, so, no, Sehun, I’m neither of those things and you being sarcastic about it makes it even more unbearable”. You could hear his muffled laughter and you really wanted to smack him on the back of his head.

“Shame, and here I was considering the possibility of being actually nice to you and warn you beforehand but seeing you got up on the bitter side of bed today, I’ll refrain and let you enjoy the surprise”. Sehun chuckled, careless of who might listen to your little exchange and still eyeing you from the corner of his eye as your frown grew deeper and your uneasiness started mixing up with anxiety and frustration. Which, to be honest, didn’t seem like the perfect combination.

“What does that mean, exactly?” You hissed, flicking him on the arm.

“Sorry, lips are sealed now, you lost your chance. We’ll have to wait and see”. He finally turned to face you, only to raise his eyebrows at you, earning a huff from your part.

Silence finally settled between the two of you and that should’ve meant you were finally able to relax but the constant clicks of his retractable pencil were having the complete opposite effect. You decided to look away from him and back at the seventy-something-year-old professor, who was wiping the thin layer of sweat off of his forehead furiously before continuing rambling about the similarities and differences between ethnic groups in both the Asian and American continents.

For a split second you dwelled on whether or not to push for information with the man sitting next to you but you decided against it and figured that maybe he was just being unnecessarily cryptic to both annoy you and entertain himself, so you let it slip.

After the lecture was over, you pretty much jumped out of your seat as if it was burning your posterior and sprinted away in a weak attempt to go get yet another cup of coffee and something to eat as you waited for your next class, which you conveniently –hence the sarcasm– happened to share with not only Sehun but Chanyeol as well, and honestly pretty much the whole group.

You were too lost in your own thoughts, trying to figure out a way to avoid them in the Statistics class, to notice a tall man cutting into your path and, therefore, making you bump into his chest and Sehun, who you now knew was trailing behind you, to crash onto your back; immediately complaining about how clumsy and blind you were and how much chaos you had caused.

“Fancy meeting you here, didn’t know you shared so many classes and lectures with Sehun”. A raspy voice said as you felt a pair of big hands wrap around your arms to move you out of the way of the rest of the annoyed students.

First thing after realizing whose voice that was, you looked down to see his hands securely engulfing your arms and you had to muster all your self-control to not gulp loudly at the sight, particularly because the veins on them looked as if they were going to burst at any given moment.

How could someone with such a soft, caring personality have such a tough, intimidating looking physique? That was a question that haunted you everyday since you first met Park Chanyeol.

Chanyeol chuckled when he noticed you staring at his hands before letting you go and you could practically hear Sehun rolling his eyes to the back of his head, which honestly made you kind of, sort of, very much so, want to step on his toes.

“Sorry about that… Hey, now that we’re here…” With each passing second you wanted to be able to ignore the other tall idiot standing behind you and just pretend that you were alone with Chanyeol but his constant scoffs and snorts made it virtually impossible to do so.

You pursed your lips as Sehun shuffled on his feet and you wondered why on Earth was he still lingering around instead of fleeting the scene like he usually did.

“We were talking the other day and came to the conclusion that we should, and definitely will, do a barbecue party sort of thing to celebrate that exams are officially over and we survived so… What d’you think?” The excitement on his face made your heart flutter, even if you thought the get together was completely unnecessary.

“I think… That’s kind of cheesy but totally up to you?” You shrugged, scratching your arm in an attempt to calm yourself down.

“Great, I’ll take that as a ‘yes, I’m down for it’”. He practically yelled before jogging away. You were about to let out the breath that you didn’t know you were holding when you saw Chanyeol stop on his tracks and turn back to look at you; in response you straightened back up immediately, making Sehun laugh loudly and you honestly didn’t hold back this time and elbowed him on the stomach. He bent down almost imperceptibly and shot you a death glare.

“You’ll get to meet Hayoon! See you!” Chanyeol chirped and continued going on his merry way, like the happiest man-child on the universe.

“Hayoon?” You murmured to yourself, momentarily forgetting one more time that you were not alone.

Sehun wrapped an arm around your shoulders, almost performing a headlock on you, earning a complaint and some well-deserved pinches on his ribcage. “See, if you would’ve been nice to me earlier, I would’ve spared you this surprise which I know you don’t particularly like but you just _had_ to be rude, hadn’t you?”

He wheezed, pulling you along with him. The triumphant smile on his face only made you want to punch him even more than you already wanted to since he interrupted your nap a little over an hour ago.

It was kind of tiring when he was right and he knew it because he also loved to rub it on your face.

Sehun had dragged you to your usual coffee shop, to sit at your usual table. The baristas there had grown so accustomed to you, especially during the exam period, that as soon as they saw you stepping in, they immediately prepared a double espresso for you and a Frappuccino for Sehun, making you let out an emotionless laugh.

“So who is Hayoon and why do I have to meet her?” You asked, brows furrowed as you took a sip and winced at the bitterness of the coffee hitting your taste buds. You let your head fall, almost hitting the table.

Sehun laid back on his seat and crooked his head to the side; you could tell he was contemplating on whether or not to give you the information, so when he smiled that mischievous smile of his that didn’t quite reach his eyes but it made them glisten, you couldn’t help but let out a groan, silently accepting your not so bright future.

“What do I win if I tell you?” He said, still smiling while nibbling on his straw.

“You get to not be killed… or kicked in the groin, which if you ask me is quite a solid offer”. It was your turn to raise your eyebrows, in an attempt to persuade him into spilling the beans. It wasn’t usual for you to beg for information but there was something about the whole situation that didn’t feel quite right.

Why would Sehun even consider ‘warning’ you about said ‘surprise’, for starters? That was highly unusual, as you’d never considered him the type to look out for you in the first place. Argue with you? Of course. Annoy you in your lectures when you were trying to concentrate? Hell yes. Buying coffee for you when he felt like you were close to collapsing? Maybe sometimes. But warning you about Chanyeol’s surprise barbecue of sorts and this Hayoon person? Very highly unlikely.

“It’s funny how you threaten to kill me almost all the time but you never really do. Are you sure you’re not secretly in love with me and you use violence as a defense mechanism?” He clicked his tongue and you really wondered how a person could be so cocky and full of himself all the time.

“Sure, got me there, Sehun, totally in love with you”. You rolled your eyes, taking yet another gulp of your cup of bitterness before basically letting yourself melt onto your seat and pretend nothing really had happened.

It’d probably sound weird saying that taking a bunch of classes and extracurriculars without Chnayeol being around to fog your head or Sehun constantly annoying you was relaxing, but in a way it was; even if it was more than you could physically handle but it was.

You appreciated the moments where you could force your thoughts to not be filled with Chanyeol, so everyday you looked forward to those classes and your internship at a local magazine.

It would’ve been lovely to say that it was all like a breath of fresh air but in reality, anyone could see that it wasn’t but it was what you needed and that’s why Minseok and Jongin preferred not to meddle onto your life choices but Sehund and Chanyeol had always been a separate matter from them.

Even if there was quite a noticeable sign on the library saying that it wasn’t a place to go to sleep, you couldn’t be bothered about the warnings, it was probably the quietest place in the entire campus and therefore, you took advantage of that, until you heard someone pull the chair next to you and plop onto it without being discrete about it.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere”. It’d would’ve been lovely to not recognize that voice, a voice that even haunted you in your sleep and in your slumber and you weren’t quite sure if it was another one of your dreams or if he was actually there next to you.

You had your eyes open and you were holding a pen, pretending to write whatever, just so no one would kick you out of there but really, you were more asleep than you were aware; your eyes were glassy and you were sure the bags underneath them were visible (you had quite the struggle that same morning, trying to hide them with inhumane amounts of concealer), so when Chanyeol was able to get a glimpse of your face, he frowned and bit his lip so hard, you were afraid he was going to draw blood.

“Sorry”. You cleared your throat, trying to compose yourself. Why was it that you always found yourself apologizing to him because he couldn’t find you? What was it with him always looking for you when the last thing you wanted was for him to care? Actually, that was a lie, you were becoming quite the expert at lying to yourself and to others, as well.

You rubbed the remainders of sleep with the back of your hand and offered a weak smile.

Chanyeol rested his elbow on the table, letting his bag fall onto the ground with a thud. Your heart raced when he leaned closer to you and you would’ve moved away from him but you didn’t really want to.

“I don’t like what you’re doing right now”. He mumbled, voice barely audible because even when he was pretty careless about his voice volume, he still had the decency to stay relatively quiet at the library, actually, he had the decency to tiptoe around you when you were tired and sleepy and you really appreciated his efforts.

“Sleeping at the library?” You frowned and chuckled. There was something about Chanyeol that always made you come up with the most idiotic of remarks and jokes. Maybe it was the hidden, yet persistent, desire to see him laugh.

“No, dumb. You know exactly what I mean”. If you would’ve been at least a little bit more hyperaware, you were sure you would’ve been a bit taken aback by the seriousness in his voice, but alas, you weren’t, so you let it go, unconsciously.

You forced out a breathless laugh as you patted him on the shoulder, your way of saying that you were fine. Because you were fine, you were just a little bit sleepy, which wasn’t really strange if you were being honest. There were two constants in your life: sleep and food and that was that.

He grabbed your hand, stopping your light but constant pats. Your heart raced and suddenly you weren’t sleepy anymore, how could you be when your heart raced as if it was about to give out? Your hands started sweating and your stomach gave a few turns before he pulled you both up from your seats and started pulling you towards the exit.

“You need to take a rest, let’s take a rest. I’ll keep you company”. He smirked at you, looking at you from over his shoulder and you shuddered.

He had dragged you, quite almost carrying you, if you were being accurate, to a nice spot under a tree, where the sun didn’t hit directly and the air blew in a gentle breeze. He sat down and patted the spot next to him for you to take. You obliged, trying to look unfazed but in the inside, all your organs had turned to a mush of sorts. You hated the fact that you loved how that felt.

You let out a sigh when you rested your head onto the tree. You weren’t much of a nature person, never the expert when it came to camping or anything that came close to it, but you had to admit that fresh air was quite comforting, especially when you were stressed, or tired or confused, or all of those at the same time.

“I don’t know what’s been going on with you lately, other than the fact that you’re overworking yourself and we’re not even a semester into college yet, but I hope you get some sense into your head. We have literal years ahead of us, don’t over do it right now”. He mumbled as he leaned his head onto the tree as well; you could feel him barely inches away from you and you let yourself steal a glance from the corner of your eye. You wished you wouldn’t have, though, but you enjoyed looking at him when he didn’t notice, or at least he pretended he didn’t, because those moments were the ones that you were sure you’d remember for a very, _very_ , long time.

At some point you completely drifted away, so you didn’t notice when your head slipped to rest on his shoulder, nor did you notice when the rest of the group decided to join you and munch on junk food while you were sleeping but they did and it was only when Jongin let out a sharp laugh that you regained consciousness, feeling as refreshed as if you have had a week’s worth of sleep and you didn’t want to attribute that to the fact that you were dozing off next to Chanyeol but you knew that was exactly the reason why.

You didn’t bother opening your eyes, you knew the bright lights were going to leave you momentarily blind so you just sat there, pretending to not listen and you wished you wouldn’t have.

“So, Hayoon’s finally coming here, how does it feel?” You heard Minseok ask. It was that name again, a name that you had managed to forget for the past week, ever since Sehun so kindly decided to leave you out of the loop.

“Oh, man, it’s great. I’ve missed her so much”. You never wanted to be the selfish kind of person that didn’t appreciate other’s happiness when said happiness wasn’t caused primarily by you but at that moment, you couldn’t help it.

“How’s she going to take your relationship with this one?” Sehun asked and you wanted to kick him but you refrained, still maintaining your act. You would get your revenge later on.

“Ah”. Chanyeol’s tone was a mixture between relief and concern, something difficult to pinpoint but it made you feel uneasy somehow, especially when you felt his hand on your face, patting your cheek. “They will love each other. What’s better than your girlfriend meeting your best girl friend?”

If there had been any other situation you would’ve feel warm and fuzzy and filled with literal sunshine because of the physical contact and the evident smile that coated his words but right now, right now you were feeling everything but fuzziness and warmth.

Your limbs had been very sore for a while now but at the moment, it felt as if you had no limbs to start with. They tingled for a second before going numb, a knot formed in your throat and you suddenly felt like puking, the sort of nausea that it’s annoying because you want to vomit to get rid of it but you can’t actually do it and so you’re stuck with the feeling.

You decided you didn’t want to be there anymore but you weren’t quite sure of what to do to get away from the man that had your heart on the palm of his hand and was squeezing the life out of it without really noticing he was doing so.

You straightened yourself up, slowly but surely, trying to act as if you had just woken up. They all raised his eyebrows at you, maybe it had been poor timing from your part, maybe it was just too much of a coincidence for you to ‘wake up’ exactly then, maybe you had thrown yourself under the bus but you honestly didn’t care.

“Oh”. You mumbled, widening your eyes a little bit and rubbing your neck as you feigned innocence. “Hi”.

“We we’re just talking about how Chanyeol’s sweetheart is coming back and you’ll finally meet her”. Jongin said, picking at the grass beneath his hands. You knew he didn’t mean for his comment to hurt you, you knew he probably wasn’t aware of the way you were starting to feel towards Chanyeol, you knew he didn’t mean it at all but, still, the pang in your chest at the sound of his words almost made it impossible to breathe but you pushed through it and put up a smile on your face.

Because that was what you did, fake everything, and it was probably the only thing you were truly good at.

“Great”. You sighed, standing up slowly. They all looked at you as you shook away the loose grass that stuck to your jeans and you pushed your hair behind your ears. “I have work to do, so I’ll see you later”.

Lame excuses were just great, amazing, really, and the best part about them was that nobody really questioned them if you said them quickly enough before walking away.

Life was a bitch and you sort of had forgotten how it felt when your heart ached in either sadness or anger or both. It had been a long time –sort of, but not really– since you have liked someone this way.

You had forgotten how your vital organ clenched when you imagined that person laughing about what someone else said, or when the wrinkles around his eyes and the dimple on his cheek appeared because he was laughing way too hard or talking way too enthusiastically.

Life sucked major balls and you hated that you had found yourself falling deeper and deeper and you didn’t even know the exact moment when your heart had decided to be biased towards a strange tall man named Park Chanyeol but it had and now, as always, your timing had been off because Park Chanyeol had never been yours to start with.

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	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Strong/explicit language, explicit sexual situations (in future chapters), and a lot more that you’ll catch onto along the way.

Were you a masochist? You honestly had never considered yourself as one but you were having serious doubts about it lately.

Chanyeol’s –not really– impromptu Saturday barbecue had come around quicker than you expected and you were pretty sure you didn’t have enough time to mentally prepare yourself about it for two main reasons, one being you hated social interactions, even if they were small gatherings, and two, the girlfriend was probably going to be there, which you still couldn’t wrap your head around but you pretended it was no big deal, anyways.

That was the reason you practically begged your friend to come over for the weekend, just so she could be there for you as moral support. You knew how lame you could be when you were feeling sad, or in this case, slightly heartbroken and your best friend knew how dangerous it was for you to be around alcohol when you were being like that. Your high school years were a living proof of that.

And, indeed, your predictions had been right all along. Usually you would’ve been ecstatic about being right but, at the moment, you were practically praying you’d be wrong, even if you knew it was useless.

You stalled, inside of your bathroom, as you looked at yourself in the mirror and tried to come up with excuses to not go to this thing last minute. Maybe if you said you were feeling sick, maybe if you said there was an emergency back home, maybe if you said you were unexpectedly needed at the office, but you knew better because for every excuse you came up with, you were sure they’d have another thousand ways to force you to show up anyways.

Your best friend barged into the bathroom, and you cursed to your insides for not locking the door behind you. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked at you in the most menacing way she could. You silently gave up and dragged yourself out of the small room, going to get your bag and keys.

Minseok had offered his’ and Jongin’s apartment for the get-together as they had easy access to the rooftop and their building was in a nice area with a nice view. Maybe if you drank enough you could throw yourself off the roof and make it look like an accident.

“Don’t even think about fleeing, I didn’t come all the way here for you to be wuss about it”. She hissed at you as you stood in front of Minseok’s door, contemplating whether or not to ring the doorbell. She didn’t give you enough time to argue before she ringed and dragged you to stand in front of the small camera.

“Hey!” The voice coming from the speaker made your heart race and your stomach churn. “Finally! Give me a second”. You faintly smiled to hide the torture you were experiencing at the moment. Did you really have to force yourself to go through something that you knew for sure was going to hurt you? Apparently you did.

You were able to breathe for a couple more minutes when you saw Sehun opening the door instead of Chanyeol. You didn’t know how it was possible to feel relieved but pained and annoyed at the same time. Yes, you were assuming you had become a masochist now.

“The man of the hour has shown up”. Sehun cackled, earning a smack on the arm from you.

“May I remind you I am a woman?” You scowled at him, earning a chuckle as you also heard your friend giggle from somewhere behind you as she followed the two of you around.

“Well, that’s debatable”. Sehun’s answer only made your friend laugh harder and you reluctantly introduced them as he flashed her a smile, the smile that most girls around campus swooned over, but that smile made you cringe instead, and honestly, sometimes it could also scare you a little bit.

As Sehun climbed up the stairs to the rooftop, your friend leaned into your ear to speak up. “Nice banter”. The accusing tone in her voice made you want to drag her out of there right then. You could all but roll your eyes and pretend she didn’t say anything.

Every step you took somehow felt more difficult, your legs felt like they weighted a thousand pounds. The moment you stepped onto the rooftop, nicely decorated with twinkly lights and scattered cushions here and there only made you feel even more miserable. Why? Because leaning against the railing stood Chanyeol with his arm resting on a girl’s shoulder as they both happily chatted and drank something that you assumed was beer.

You weren’t going to deny she was beautiful, with her long black hair flowing in perfect waves and her make up done immaculately, perfectly complimenting an outfit that looked like it was thoughtfully put together and sadly, you realized that was probably why Chanyeol loved her like he’d never love you, because even if you’d try to look well put together, you’d never look like her even in the slightest; if you were being honest, you’d probably wouldn’t even come close to it, even if you paid a shit ton of money to professionals to beat the hell out of your face.

You preferred black jeans and comfortable footwear rather than wearing dresses and high heels or dainty shoes. Your hair was almost always put into a messy bun or flowing around carelessly unlike hers that looked extremely shiny and stylish. Complete opposites, that’s what you were and you sadly accepted that you weren’t the type to make someone like Chanyeol to fall for you, because you were a mess and someone as great as Chanyeol would never be with someone that sometimes couldn’t even understand herself.

Before anyone could introduce you to whom you assumed was Hayoon, you jumped and introduced your best friend to everyone before going to pour yourself some beer and grab a couple chips to much on in an attempt to ease your anxiety.

As expected, your best friend immediately fell into conversation with your unusual group of friends that still, to this day, you didn’t understand how or why had accepted you into their circle.

You were quite lost in thought, pretending to listen to the conversation your best friend and Minseok were having when you felt someone inching close to your ear and their breath tickled the back of your neck.

“Rip it like a band aid”. Sehun said, placing his hand on your nape and basically dragging you to where Chanyeol and his _girlfriend_ were. He was really working hard for that kick in the groin that you had promised before. You shrugged, trying to shake him off but his grip was firm, yet not strong enough as to hurt you, as he moved you around.

“Hey, Hayoon, let me introduce you to someone”. Sehun half laughed when he had finally got you in front of the pair that you were trying really hard to not even look at.

“Oh, hi”. She chirped, offering you a sincere smile that you wanted to despise but you couldn’t because it actually felt genuine and even if you were bitter over her presence you weren’t that big of a bitch as to act rude towards her. You forced out a smile in response, still fighting Sehun with continuous shoves and shrugs. “I’ve heard a lot about you, actually, you sounded like a great person, I was so excited to meet the girl they’ve all been talking about”.

You let out a laugh. But it wasn’t funny, not in the slightest.

“Great, that’s just great”. You said, trying to sound as honest as you could. “So… How long have you two… been together?” You were digging your own grave and you knew it but curiosity always got the best of you, even if it meant causing yourself even more heartache. Asking questions like that would make you sound normal, right? _Right?_

“Oh, well”. Hayoon giggled making Chanyeol laugh as well, pulling her closer to his side and to prevent you from puking, you took an exaggerated gulp out of your red cup. Sehun proceeded to rest his arm over your shoulder in a nonchalant manner, as he felt you tensing up under his touch.

You weren’t quite sure if he was still there to amuse himself over your stress or if he was there for support but he was still there and for the briefest of moments, you were grateful he was, even if it was just for the sake of making you painfully uncomfortable. Without Sehun, you were sure, you would’ve collapsed onto the floor and curl up in a fetal position.

“It’s been a while. I’ve known him since we were around ten or eleven but we started dating in high school”. Her eyes glistened as she talked about it, Chanyeol’s smile grew even bigger, as you had imagined it would and you felt as if not even the entirety of alcohol in the world could make you forget your misery.

“Great”. You mumbled, quickly trying to think of an excuse to disappear or, at least, get away from the two. “Okay, someone’s got to start the barbecue”. You said, poorly acting as if you were the happiest person on Earth. Sehun followed your lead, though, and he pulled you away much like he had dragged you to them on the first place.

You didn’t know what you were doing, of course, but you tried really hard to start the grill, maybe more fervently than you should’ve but when smoke started to come out and you almost choked on it, you considered putting your head directly over it to induce fainting. You refrained because you didn’t want to cause a scene but you sure felt drawn to the idea.

The rest of the evening slash night went by in a blur, not because it was so easygoing you barely noticed time passing, quite the opposite. It was a blur because, as you had promised yourself and basically warned your best friend, you were going to try and drown your sorrows in beer and whatever other type of alcohol you could get your hands onto.

Take a chug every time Chanyeol hugs Hayoon. Take a shot every time Hayoon puts her hand on Chanyeol’s leg. Take two shots every time he nuzzles his head on the crook of her neck. Take three shots every time they intertwine fingers. Down the whole bottle of whatever you’re drinking every time they kiss.

From time to time, though, your eyes would meet Chanyeol’s, mostly when you let your mind drift for a brief second and you lost yourself in conversation with your best friend or in an argument with Sehun about who had the most alcohol tolerance. You’d meet his stare then and your mind and heart would instantly go back to the decadent state they were in to start with.

You had tried to shake it off with the excuse that there was people there that you were meeting for the first time, like their high school friends Kyungsoo, Jondgae, Baekhyun and Junmyeon, who all went together to a college across town and who you realized were really nice and polite, even if Jongdae and Baekhyun displayed the habit of randomly yelling, specially when their alcohol intake was getting to a level where it was difficult to handle.

Maybe you were the crier type of drunk. You hadn’t noticed before, mainly because when you had gotten into a drunken state in the past, there really wasn’t anything to cry about. There were many things for you to be angry and some to be happy about, and at that moment, you would’ve preferred to switch sadness with anger.

You could’ve forced yourself to be angry over Chanyeol not mentioning he had a girlfriend before. You could’ve made yourself angry about the fact that he had his arm wrapped around someone else, his head resting on someone else’s shoulder, his eyes twinkling over the words that left someone else’s mouth, like he did with you before, but you knew that would be stupid and childish of you.

You could’ve been angry, furious, even, but you knew there was no point and no reason to be. Why would you? As far as you were concerned, Chanyeol was merely a friend and maybe it was your mistake to assume that his behavior around you had a different meaning, maybe it was your mistake to hope that he’d like you; you knew that now, that’s why you couldn’t be angry, not even slightly upset, because all of this was happening due to the idiotic scenarios you had overplayed a thousand times in your head and because of your friend accusing you of liking Chanyeol.

If your friend never would’ve mentioned it, you never would’ve given it the amount of time and effort that you had given it and thus, you would’ve never realized you liked him, because you were pretty much blind with those sorts of things.

And this is how you got here. Basically drowning yourself in caffeine to force your body to be hyperactive and force it to smile (even when most of the time it looked like a crazy, psychotic smile), or force it to be so frantic that you couldn’t focus on one thing for more than two minutes.

It would’ve been easier to deal with the fact that Chanyeol had a girlfriend if only you didn’t run into them constantly and saw them around everywhere. You had learned, from eavesdropping into conversations the group had, that Hayoon had been away traveling for a while and she had managed to enroll into her classes and keep up with them while still being away.

You mentally scoffed at the fact that she was not only beautiful but smart and dedicated as well. Life was in a bad mood when you were born, apparently, because you didn’t consider yourself the brightest nor quite the beauty.

Bitter wasn’t something you particularly loved describing yourself as but in that moment in life, you were very much aware that you were, indeed, very bitter. You were starting to perfectly understand how people felt so conflicted in books and movies when they saw the person they liked being happy with someone else.

Seeing him smile would normally make you shiver in relief and feel content but seeing Chanyeol smile due to someone else’s mere existence was something that made your stomach basically consume itself on its gastric juices and your jaw clench to the point that you felt your teeth would crack due to the force.

It was conflicting, to say the least and, since you had tried running away from Chanyeol before (even before you got your heart broken over a stupid crush on a stupid boy you had just met), you didn’t really want to or had the physical strength do it again.

So you put on your big girl pants on and you acted as if nothing really mattered, when in reality, every time you saw them walk past the coffee shop or when they came to sit down with the group, holding hands and laughing, made your heart twist and fail for a split second. But you tried to shake it off because it had never been your place to worry and ensure Chanyeol’s happiness.

It was a Wednesday night and you weren’t quite sure why you had been coaxed into going out to grab something to eat at almost eleven at night, but you had. Whilst the restaurant was nothing too fancy or too gourmet, it was enough as to distract you with their food and aid you in avoiding looking at the lovey-dobey couple sitting across from you.

You wondered if it was healthy to be so clingy to another person. The ruthless, analytic part of you assured you it wasn’t, that it wasn’t a good idea to be so dependent on someone else, that everyone needed to be their own self and be independent before having a significant other and that everyone needed space to themselves in order to function properly.

The emotional, overly sentimental part of yourself wished to be in Hayoon’s place more than anything. So there was that.

“Here are your fries and drinks, your dishes will be out shortly”. The kind waitress, who looked like she was definitely not of legal age yet, said with a kind smile before she basically skipped back into the kitchen.

Your hands immediately flew to the fries to munch on them, not paying attention on how desperate you probably looked. You didn’t care because you never bothered hiding your love for food, especially for comfort food.

“Jesus, if you were going to be like this, I would’ve ordered some fries for myself”. Sehun, who was sitting next to you, accused you with raised eyebrows. You glared at him.

“I don’t know where or how you got the idea that I was going to share my fries with you”. You groaned, slightly pushing him, making him loose his balance and almost fall from the booth.

Once he regained his posture, he pinched your side in a vengeful manner. Chuckling at your squirming, his eyes turning into half moons.

As you were done bickering with Sehun; mainly because you gave in and shared your fries with him, you looked up and saw Hayoon looking at you with that sweet as frick smile of hers. You widened your eyes, not understanding her expression.

“What?” You mumbled, still chewing on a fry. She quickly shook her head, causing a loose strand of hair fall onto her face, which Chanyeol immediately placed behind her ear. You wanted to throw up your fries, that day’s lunch and breakfast all over them but you pushed it down with a gulp of soda.

“No, it’s nothing, you guys are cute”.

That was the first time Hayoon genuinely made you laugh. You probably sounded like a dying horse of sorts but it made you laugh, nonetheless.

“This one’s a jerk”. You mumbled, still trying to hold back your laughter. From the corner of your eye, you saw Sehun lean back and turn his head to look at you, probably scowling but you didn’t bother confirming that.

“Well, this one’s a monster so, no thank you”. He scoffed.

You disregarded the whole conversation after they all giggled and practically shoved Sehun off the booth again, just so you could escape to the bathroom before your food arrived.

Looking at you in the mirror was quite an interesting experience, you had to admit. You were so used to seeing your reflection for so many years now that it was very difficult to notice how you had changed but when you paid close attention it could get kind of scary. Especially for the bags under your eyes and for how noticeable your collarbones were getting. You sighed.

You retrieved to a stall, with the purpose of killing time more so than peeing, if you were being honest but when you got out, you practically jumped out of your skin when you saw Hayoon standing in front of you.

“There you are”. She said, offering yet another one of her smiles.

You snorted. “Well, yes… Where else could I go?” You said, trying to sound casual –and not as rude– as you walked over to wash your hands.

“You’ve been in here for so long, I thought you might’ve ran away somewhere”. You snorted again. Her innocence –whether it was real or fake, you didn’t know– amused you. “I thought you might’ve felt offended by my comment and I felt bad so I wanted to apologize”.

You full on laughed again. She was really something.

“Don’t punish yourself, it was more like humorous rather than offensive, it’s fine”. You cackled, not because she was a comedic genius but because what was hilarious of the whole thing, was imagining Sehun and you being together and being ‘cute’. That would happen… Probably not ever.

She smiled, looking down, trying to hide her blush.

“Chanyeol was right about you”. Your expression changed so fast you were afraid you’d get mental whiplash. You raised your eyebrows and gulped down the surprise caused by the mere mention of his name. “He talked so much about this girl and how funny and smart she was and how it was really entertaining to be around her… At times it worried me that he might leave me for said girl… And now I met you and he was right, like, so right it’s freaky”. That was the first pang to your heart.

You groaned internally because you obviously couldn’t show her how frustrated and conflicted her words were making you. _It worried me that he might leave me for said girl._ Who says those kinds of things?

Of course, she didn’t know you liked her boyfriend but still… You just can’t go around saying that.

You wanted to smash your head against the mirror but you just cleared your throat and pushed out a thin smile.

“He would never”. You inflicted the second pang because obviously one wasn’t enough for you to realize that his whole situation was a big ass mess.

“I know”. She smiled as she followed you out of the bathroom. That was the third and last pang and that was enough to make you feel numb for the rest of the night.

You already knew Chanyeol wouldn’t leave her, he wouldn’t leave her for the world’s top model; he wouldn’t even leave her for the sun, the moon and all of the stars in exchange or for all the money in the world. You knew that, you didn’t need to be reminded and still, it hurt more than anything.

“Excuse me”. You mumbled once you reached the booth again, asking Sehun to move so you could slide in. Your well-mannered, soft tone made Sehun frown, not exactly sure what had gotten into you. And you didn’t see, of course, but once he stood up his eyes jumped from you, to Hayoon taking her seat back next to Chanyeol, to Chanyeol himself smiling lovingly at Hayoon and then to you one more time and he understood everything then.

He made even more efforts to pester you and annoy you after that because even if you two argued ninety-five percent of the time you spent together, your unspoken rule remained and at the end of the day, he cared enough as to try and make you smile.

Your ‘I’m tired because of work and school’ excuse was a great escape, specially when they questioned you about why you were being so quiet as you finished eating and were walking to leave the restaurant.

They all shrugged it off and patted you on your back. For the first time you felt grateful about being an adult. Excuses were now actually believable.

Sehun offered to take you to your place, mainly because he was still slightly worried but also because you only lived a few minutes away from where him and Chanyeol lived, which you had yet to add to the long list of things to mourn over.

You walked with your hands tucked in your pockets, balancing a bag of leftovers on your elbow. For a reason, you didn’t feel the need to fill in the silence when you were with Sehun, at least not in that moment. You always felt like you needed to bicker with him when you were left alone but it didn’t feel like that at that time and you wondered if it was because you were too numb to feel anything or if it was because he was tired and probably upset with you for whatever reason.

You heard a loud group of people walking in your direction from the other sidewalk and you couldn’t help but look up and see what the fuss was about. Seeing them didn’t clear out your confusion at all, in your eyes, you only saw a group of tipsy girls in high heels followed by a group of equally tipsy young men so you ignored their existence almost completely and kept on walking but, apparently, Sehun had a different opinion.

Maybe he had set eyes on a new pray, you thought to yourself, knowing that his phallic nature enticed him to get laid constantly. You shrugged it off but still stopped on your tracks to wait for him as you watched him attentively, analyzing his features and wondering why he was frowning so hard.

The group eventually disappeared after making a turn onto another street and Sehun finally looked at you, almost jumping when he met eyes with you.

“Saw something you liked?” You mumbled, almost laughing at your wit –or lack thereof– but you didn’t because of his serious expression. If you laughed, you feared he’d chop off your head right then and there.

Sehun was the embodiment of duality. When he laughed he could look like a kid, with his eyes formed onto crescent moons but when he was upset or annoyed, it felt like he could kill someone only with the intensity of his stare, like shooting daggers through them, and you were sure that, in case he’d actually be furious, he might actually get the deed done.

“Not particularly, no”. He said, continued walking and eventually caught up with you. You mimicked his pace once more, unintentionally synchronizing your strides. You didn’t give it much importance, since your self-centered mind was still trying to deal with the fact that Hayoon had taken your heart and unknowingly stomped on it until it was completely flat and barely functioning.

What a great time to be alive, you thought.

What once was a comfortable silence turned into the heaviest one once you got to your building’s front door and you saw Sehun looking down, still with the gigantic frown adorning what once was his spotless forehead.

“You okay there?” You asked, shifting your weight onto your other foot as you crossed your arms over your chest waiting for an answer and hoping for a smart-mouthed comeback. But he didn’t deliver and that’s what rubbed you the wrong way.

“My ex was in that group but that’s a story for another time”. He said, voice drenched from emotion and you figured you wouldn’t push it. You bit your bottom lip, quickly trying to find a way to make him relax a little bit before going away because if he didn’t, he’d probably pick a fight with whomever he happened to cross paths with, or something of the sort, and he wouldn’t even make it to his own bed.

“Here”. You said, extending your arm with the leftover bag that was mostly filled with fries and some chicken nuggets. “Peace offering, go get some rest”. You mumbled.

He smirked, gladly taking the food from you and looking at you with incredulous eyes.

“You’re giving me your food… willingly?” He questioned, slowly going back to his annoying self.

“Get out of here before I change my mind and challenge you to a battle for it”. Sehun cackled, as he always did when you said something ridiculous, but he nodded and just walked away.

That night was one of the most restless, sleepless, tiring nights you’ve had and that translated to your next morning, still regretting your decision of going out to eat something instead of just staying home and eating a sandwich or an instant ramen while you watched T.V. and fell asleep on your couch.

Next morning you struggled quite a bit to keep your eyes open, not to say you were basically walking around like a zombie. If it weren’t for the burning hot cup of coffee in your hand while you waited for your lecture to start, you were sure you would’ve fallen asleep.

Maybe you had been too preoccupied trying to stay awake to notice someone slumping on the chair next to you.

“Why is it that every time I want to take a seat next to you, you’re either sleeping, daydreaming or stabbing someone with your stare?” Sehun’s voice made you widen your eyes in surprise immediately followed by a heavy eye-roll.

Would you ever get a break? Probably not.

“Congratulations, you’ve managed to figure me out and describe me accurately fastest than anyone has ever been able to”. You mumbled, taking a sip of your practically boiling coffee and burning your tongue in the process, earning a silent laugh from Sehun.

“No, really, it’s concerning…” He pushed, slightly cocking his head in your direction.

“None of your business, I guess. Why d’you care?” You murmured, putting down your cup and watching him with squinted eyes as he attempted to steal a sip from your coffee, he refrained when he noticed you glaring at him.

He cleared his throat and readjusted himself on his own chair. “Good question, I’m not so sure myself but the one thing I’m sure of is that whatever it is that is going on inside your head must be either very entertaining or very stressful to get you into this state of yours so constantly”.

You weren’t quite sure why he was being so observant with your behavior. Usually you were the one to analyze people, or so you thought, so being the object of someone else’s study felt kind of absurd.

“Again, Sehun, I don’t mean to be rude, but… Why d’you care?” You sighed, trying to ignore the fact that he was able to notice your ‘state’, as he had mentioned, and you wondered for how long had he been noticing your mood swings.

“Finding sources of entertainment while you’re in college is very difficult”. The two of you scoffed in unison because, as much as you didn’t like the idea of Sehun watching your every move, he was right about that. College was either stressful or plainly boring, there was no in between.

“I’m not your clown”. You said, trying to hold back a smile and almost literally chugging it down with your beverage. Sehun stared at you as you did so and crooked an eyebrow as he smirked.

“No, I know, you’re Chaneyol’s clown”. You almost spit all of your boiling black coffee on him and his clothes. It was a shame you didn’t, you thought, it would’ve caused quite the funny sight to see him with abstract coffee stains adorning his rather immaculate white button-up shirt.

You pursed your lips as he saw how every shade of red colored your face before you turned as pale as a ghost, or in a more realistic way, as a dead body.

“W-what? You’re talking nonsense, again”. You stammered, trying really hard not to appear as shocked as you actually were. Since when did he knew, though? You panicked but you didn’t want to let it show. You could feel your hands sweating profusely and you tried to wipe them on your jeans as discretely as you could manage.

“You can go and try to disguise it all you want but you can’t fool me out of all people”. He raised his eyebrows at you as he smirked smugly and now, even if you wanted, you couldn’t swat away his hand as he stole your coffee cup; your eyes still as wide as plates and your lips pursed so tightly they were starting to tingle. “Don’t worry, your little secret’s safe with me”.

Sehun chuckled, patting your back after giving back your now half empty cup.

After that little incident, or whatever it was, you wanted to either punch Sehun or treat him like a king to ensure the safety of your biggest –and pretty much your only– secret. It wasn’t like you could do anything, though, because you had become pretty much a statue of sorts, barely blinking, barely breathing, completely terrified.

When the lecture was over, Sehun stayed by your side pretty much at all times only to tease you in any way he possibly could. Like when you passed by a group of music majors playing guitar and singing and he pushed you, wiggling his eyebrows at you and pointing out how they probably were Chanyeol’s classmates and how they could give you insight on the giant man you liked ‘oh-so-much’. You shoved him away from you only for him to come back to your side, laughing his ass off.

Or when you were exiting the coffee shop with a tray of beverages balanced in one hand as Sehun teased you for knowing Chanyeol’s favorite drink by heart. You shoved him away one more time, with more force than before; it seemed, though, that as you applied more force and effort into shoving him away from you, his laughter grew louder and much more annoying than it already was and he returned to your side quicker than before.

Until he suddenly got quiet and, much like it did that one night after eating dinner, a group of loud people passed a few meters away from where you were arguing. He frowned again, putting on the same expression he had on that night and your eyes glimmered in revenge.

The revenge was suddenly forgotten when the group disappeared into a building and Sehun’s attention turned to you one more time. You rolled your eyes but you made sure to make a mental note about his mood swings and their cause.

“Listen, if what it takes for you to lay off my back is for your ex-girlfriend to be in a ten meter radius, believe me when I say I will kidnap her and carry her around if that means you’ll be quiet”. You huffed as you attempted to walk away from the black haired man.

“You do that and I will gladly go and confess your undying love in your behalf”. He scoffed, snapping the tray of beverages from you, making you lose balance for a split second. You groaned, slapping his arm as he chuckled.

“How dare you blackmail me like that, Oh Sehun?” You hissed through gritted teeth. Eyes sharp, jaw tensed, fists clenched so tightly your nails were starting to dig into your own palms.

“You started it…” He shrugged, walking next to you again. You whined. Out of all people, it had to be Sehun. A wicked mind, to say the least. “Listen, I just don’t understand what’s the big deal… You like Chanyeol, so what? You can tell him and just get it out of your chest, it’s not like he’s going to cut you out of his life just because you have a crush on the man”.

You couldn’t believe how he was able to talk so much nonsense in the span of just a few seconds and doing it while acting like it wasn’t a huge deal.

“He has a girlfriend, you idiot”. You wanted to groan, make it look like you were growing even more irritated with him, which you were, but your inner feelings betrayed you –yet again– and it came out more like a sad sigh than a complain. You punched yourself internally for being so lame.

“So? Do you how many guys have confessed their feelings to Hayoon since they’ve been together?” Sehun said, as if it was no big deal. He probably had no idea how much of an ugly duckling that comment made you feel, or maybe he did know and he was just loving kicking your self-esteem in the gut. Of course Hayoon was the type of woman to receive thousands of confessions, of course.

“Jesus Christ, you’re not helping me here, I’m sure you know that”. You scoffed, absent-mindedly twirling your matcha smoothie in the cup as you took a seat in what you had designated as the group’s bench. “A broken one can’t help another broken one. It’s like trying to build a new plate out of debris. It’ll work out for a fleeting moment but after a short while it’ll be an even bigger mess and honestly, I don’t think you have the qualifications to give me advice in the love department, if I’m being honest, mister _I freeze on my spot when I see my ex_ ”.

Sehun’s head shot so quickly in your direction you were sure he probably got a neck sprain but he was just very good at disguising it.

“I’m not broken”. Sehun argued, crossing his arms over his chest and squinting his eyes at you. It sucked when someone could play his game just as well as he could and he was finally picking at the fact that you were more capable than anyone else at that.

“And I am not blind, so there’s that”. You sighed, opening a pack of cookies and carelessly offered him one, to which he obliged, momentarily forgetting the little argument.

“I know you’re not but if you’re any of the things I’ve noticed you are, you wouldn’t like Chanyeol noticing how heartbroken and miserable you are over him, would you? Or would you like the idea of him knowing that the cause of all your stress, fatigue and misery is no one else other than him?” Once again, Sehun raised his eyebrows at you.

The man had a point at that. It was a thing that he’d find out that you liked him, at one point you considered that was better, if you were being honest; you could just laugh it off and swear it was just a silly little crush and nothing else, some things would change for a little while but then, when you got over it and he forgot the crush ever existed, everything would go back to normal.

But what if he found out that you were basically crumbling down because of him; because of your feelings for him; because he had a girlfriend that was not you? Knowing Chanyeol, he’d crumble down himself out of guilt and he would go above and beyond to make it up to you. He would most likely feel like the worst criminal ever, as if he had murdered you; he would have a breakdown and that was something you never wanted to witness, let alone be the cause of.

“Shut up and eat the damn cookie”. You basically growled at Sehun, earning a high-pitched laugh from him as you realized this was your life now, buying Sehun’s silence with food.

You stayed like that for God knows how long, you were immersed on trying to figure out a way to make this work and he was probably figuring out ways to poke your metaphoric wound with a metaphoric stick.

That was until a voice as deep as the Challenger Deep was suddenly heard behind you, making you jump and spilling a bit of your smoothie onto your jeans to which Sehun laughed his brains off, as usual.

“Fancy meeting you two here”. Chanyeol said with a big grin as he sat down next to you, and taking his drink from the tray that laid unbothered on the ground next to your feet; squeezing you in between the two males and you wanted to cry out of frustration but you projected your frustration as a weak punch on Sehun’s leg as to stop him from laughing at your disgrace.

“We’re here all the time, it’s really not that fancy”. You mumbled, trying to wipe the green liquid off your jeans with a crumbled napkin.

Chanyeol complained silently as he nudged your shoulder with his. “You could at least play along, party pooper”. He shook his head before letting it fall back a little as he basked in the sunlight and you wondered how was his skin so radiant before noticing that he was alone for the first time in what felt like forever even if it had just been a couple weeks since the introduction of Hayoon into your life.

“So where’s your honey? It’s so weird to see you by yourself now”. Sehun scoffed and you squinted your eyes wondering if he really had the ability to read your mind. You twitched on your seat, crumbling the napkin that was still in your hand even more than it was to begin with.

“She’s there somewhere, she’s applying for internships so she’s been running around a lot”. Chanyeol shrugged, seemingly absentminded but you could still notice how the corners of his mouth twitched upwards when he spoke about her or even when he just thought about her and that made your heart cramp a little inside your ribcage.

You didn’t want to give Sehun the assigned role of your confidant. Out of everyone he was probably the one that you least expected to trust, but life had found a way around your wishes as it seemed usual by now, and at the moment he was the only one –besides your best friend– who you could talk to about how crazy it drove you to be around Chanyeol and his honey as he had said, so after Chanyeol was done explaining you turned to look at him with an annoyed expression that probably came off more like a hurt one but you didn’t have time to care about it anymore.

With pursed lips, he forced himself to swallow down his chuckle as he patted your knee with more force than necessary.

“It’s probably frustrating her to death to not be the first one to get an internship in the group, huh?” Sehun cackled. You squinted your eyes as you tried to focus on your green stain in order to not look obviously affected by the conversation and you wondered what was the point of him saying that.

Chanyeol finally opened his eyes to look at his friend, who now had an arm laying carelessly on the backrest of the bench. You looked at Chanyeol for a fleeting moment, able to notice his slight frown and the way he bit his lip as he gave you a single look before looking back at Sehun again, which you also did as if asking him _what the fuck, dude?_

“Yes, probably. Who would’ve thought this one was such an overachiever as well?” Chanyeol let out a dry laugh as he ruffled your hair and you, once more, felt like you were melting on the spot because of his touch.

You wanted to melt on the spot if that meant ending your unnecessary suffering. Sehun, almost as if he was mimicking Chanyeol, let out a dry laugh and just allowed the conversation to die. You figured he already felt content with the amount of damage he had inflicted.

You took out your phone to take a look at the time and you sighed, blissfully noticing it was time to go to said internship.

“This overachiever has to go. See you later”. You mumbled, standing up and shaking the crumbs from your legs as you did so. You didn’t bother on looking back at the pair because you wanted to use this rare alone time of yours to clear your head, at least for a while; looking at Chanyeol smiling cheerfully at you and Sehun with his devilish grin plastered on his face would have the contrary effect.

“Want me to walk you?” Sehun half yelled only after you gave a couple steps. You let out an emotionless laugh, still without looking back completely but only turning your head a bit just so he could hear you as you spoke.

“I’ll take a raincheck on that torture, thank you”. He scoffed as he saw you walking away, crossing his arms over his chest as to pretend he was throwing a tantrum. For all you knew, he was probably doing it to get on your nerves.

“You’re starting to like her, I see”. Chanyeol chuckled as he eyed Sehun, who just scoffed in response.

“No, it’s just entertaining to see how she gets annoyed”. Sehun disregarded Chanyeol’s comment as he focused on the pack of cookies you had left behind.

“She’s quite a catch, it wouldn’t surprise me if you liked her… Or if anyone did, for that matter”. Chanyeol continued the conversation that Sehun tried so hard to ignore, unaware of the fact that anything that came out of his mouth could be used against him.

“You think?” Sehun mumbled as he swallowed a cookie, seeing how Chanyeol watched you walk away, something he never noticed he did up until that moment.

“I mean, yeah… Don’t you?” Chanyeol’s eyes widened, as if he had been caught stealing. Sehun chuckled and shrugged, yet again.

“Maybe”.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Strong/explicit language, explicit sexual situations (in future chapters), and a lot more that you’ll catch onto along the way.

You never really understood what people meant when they said ‘life passed by in a blur’. It was a difficult concept to wrap your head around, since you had never found yourself in a situation where you could just disconnect from everything and let your mind go blank.

That was until now.

You had partially accepted the fact that the only way you could deal with, not only Chanyeol being wrapped around someone else’s finger while rubbing it on your face, but also with Sehun pushing your buttons every second of every day, was unplugging your mind from literally everything and turn into a walking potato sack of sorts.

You were sitting at one of the library workstations, trying to work on an essay while trying to come up with a decent article for your internship, which obviously was never going to work but you had to try anyways. You were too submerged in your mixed up ideas to realize you hadn’t been alone for over fifteen minutes already.

“Am I really that insignificant for you to not notice me?” You knew that voice all too well, you knew it perfectly because it haunted you in your sleep and it sent you into overdrive when you were awake and you happened to hear it.

It sounded like a lullaby your mom probably sang to you when you were a baby. You connected his voice to a peaceful moment even when it made you anxious and nervous and in dire need to run away but at the same time to stay by his side and just listen to him ramble about whatever the hell he wanted.

“What?” You mumbled, dropping your pen onto the ground and groaning because of your stupidity and lack of reflexes. “No, of course not, Chanyeol. I was just too deep into these papers”.

For the first time in a long, long, time, you weren’t trying to cover up the fact that you were thinking of him by coming up with a random excuse out of your excuses book that was around a thousand pages long by now. It made you feel at ease, in a weird way, to be sincere with Chanyeol.

“You really must be stressed over them for you to not call me Chanyeol by the way”. He raised his eyebrows at you as he pursed his lips into a crooked line. “Actually, you haven’t call me that in weeks, I’m starting to miss it”.

Your heart gave a thump and just like that you wished he hadn’t say anything. You wanted to have a serious talk with your vital organ and thoroughly threaten it to keep it down because you were afraid Chanyeol might hear it drumming against your chest, even if he was sitting across from you.

A part of you was thankful he was so oblivious to your feelings, another part was suffering in silence because of the exact same reason. If only he had picked up on them already, maybe you would be stuck on spending ninety percent of your energy to try and act nonchalant around him.

You just laughed and shook your head, mainly because you didn’t know how to respond to him.

“Whatever it is that’s stressing you out, it’ll work itself out. You have a way with words, you’ll just do that thing where you let the words flow and you basically puke literature onto those documents and they’ll come out flawless like they always do, so don’t sweat it”.

You scoffed but a part of you was confused because you never thought Chanyeol would notice that from you, especially because you never really spent time working together, specially not since Hayoon appeared and library time with him became even more rare than it already was.

“Fancy meeting you here… By yourself”. You raised your eyebrows at him, partly mocking him and repeating the words he had said a few days ago when he caught up with Sehun and yourself at the bench, partly spitting a bit of venom due to the fact that it was rare to see him alone, like Sehun had pointed out on the same day.

You couldn’t help the acidic build up that you felt in your mouth whenever you mentioned Hayoon, which was rare but it still happened from time to time. It’s not like you hated her, but you hated the situation she had brought upon you; or, in a more accurate phrasing, the situation that worsened because of her.

Chanyeol let out a laugh that you weren’t quite sure how to interpret, which frustrated you a bit, mainly because out of everyone you’ve met, he was one of the easiest people to read.

“You and Sehun really love to point it out, don’t you?” He shook his head, still with a smile adorning his face as he crossed his arms and rested them on the table, leaning forward a couple inches.

You shrugged. It’s not like you could tell him your reasons for being like that.

“She’s a very busy woman, she’s always been and I feel like I’ve gotten distanced from you guys so I’m trying to make it up”. You forced yourself to smile. Of course he felt like that, of course he was one of those considerate people who wanted to merge both his intimate relationship with his friendships, even if it meant making things complicated without him realizing it.

“Right”. You mumbled, biting the inside of your cheek as to stop yourself from saying something even ruder than before. “Busy women are something to look out for and speaking of which…” You said through gritted teeth, looking down as you put your laptop and your journal away into the confines of your bag. “I’ve got errands to run, people to meet, things to do so, see you later, Chanyeol _by the way_ ”.

You forced out yet another smile when you spoke those words, which now burned at the pit of your stomach and made your fists tremble in regret. Regret for the feelings that you weren’t able to dissipate even if you tried the hardest to do so.

It came unnoticed by you, the fact that you had stopped teasing Chanyeol with the stupid nickname with the arrival of his beloved, but when he brought it up, you couldn’t help but feel a little guilty.

Chanyeol beamed a smile in your direction, a smile as bright as the sun; you could feel it burning on you, like when you ran around the beach without sunblock protecting you as the salty water drops were absorbed by your skin.

You could feel his smile burning you leisurely, like a bonfire tickled your skin on a winter night, when you sat a bit too close to it. You could feel it exactly like that, tugging at your cheeks first and then spreading through the rest of your body; you knew it wouldn’t be beneficial for you but it still felt too satisfying to step away. And you didn’t want to step away.

Chanyeol’s smile warmed up your insides and slowly burned up your heart, pulling at every string and engraving itself in your memory and you knew then that you never wanted to be the reason why his smile would disappear.

“See you later, cowboy”. He chuckled at you and you forced yourself to cut the eye contact before you had to curl up in a fetal position to calm yourself down. You didn’t want to run away from Chanyeol, but at the end of the day, it was the only thing you were extremely good at. Running away from the things you loved the most.

Your time at the magazine was something that conflicted you dearly. You loved it because it was the only time you had to truly distract yourself from everything and anything, where you could force your mind onto thinking about something else that weren’t emotional crisis but, then again, it was the most stressful time of the day because being an adult had its ups and downs and, definitely, the constant, stinging stress was one of the worst things.

You were halfway through proofreading the article you had been stuck at for almost a week now, when your cellphone vibrated a bit too harshly for your taste. You picked up your device, unlocking it carelessly as you let out a heavy sigh. You didn’t even bother on checking who was texting you at this hour when, pretty much everyone, knew you were busy.

_**[Unknown number]:** _

_You’re kindly invited to a party to celebrate I’ve finally found an internship. Hope you can join me in this new stage! I will text you more details soon._

You groaned. You didn’t know finding an internship was such a big deal and even when you didn’t have the number saved, you were having very heavy suspicions about who it might’ve been. A couple seconds later, your phone vibrated again in your hand.

_**[Unknown number]:** _

_Sorry to have texted you out of the blue. It’s me, Hayoon. Found your number in Chanyeol’s phone. Hope you don’t mind the generic message I sent to literally everyone. I’d love to have you around, though._

You pinched the bridge of your nose, trying to not cry out in frustration and decided to focus all your energy onto finishing up your task, just so you could go home and drown your sorrows with junk food and a very hot shower.

You wanted the hot water to rinse off the fact that you felt she was being genuinely nice to you, maybe she was doing it because you were Chanyeol’s friend but the reason didn’t really play an important role, what mattered was that you could feel the authenticity and that was worse than anything because you wanted to hate her; you were petty like that, you wanted to hate her simply because it was easier.

You tossed your phone into your bag after putting it in silence mode and you rubbed the side of your head, silently begging your mind to stop overthinking the possible answers you could send her way.

After a couple hours of wearing off your eyesight in front of a computer screen, you finally were home, taking your shoes off and tossing away your bag after fishing up your phone out, again.

As you turned on the shower and stripped off, your mind begrudgingly reminded you that you still had a text to reply to. What could you say to not sound rude but not overly enthusiastic at the same time?

_**To: Hayoon** _

_**[You]:** _

_I’ll see if I can make it, congratulations._

That was the best you could come up with and as you were about to toss your phone away and step under the scalding water, you heard it ring again. The peculiar ringtone of a dog barking let you know it was from the group chat the group of idiotic men had forcefully added you into.

You finally let out what sounded like a high-pitched cry mixed with a groan, thankfull that you were finally alone and you could express your frustration however the frick you wanted to. Especially because the one sending messages was the one, red haired man that had been driving you insane –almost literally– for months on end now.

He had sent an audio before anything else and you watched anxiously as the little bubble indicating he was typing showed up on your screen. You wanted to press play but at the same time you were scared, for whatever unknown reason.

When you finally saw a paragraph appear on your screen, you felt like combusting because why did he have to do this? You knew it meant nothing to everyone and he was just looking for constructed criticism with his trusted group of friends but the last thing you needed at the moment was to hear him sing an original song of his.

There was, little old innocent Chanyeol, asking you –and all of the guys– to tell him your thoughts about a song that he had to turn in for one of his classes and you knew he probably didn’t know what that meant for you, but you felt like imploding the second you hit play and his raspy, deep voice hit your ears with a melody as cheesy as it could get. You couldn’t help the nauseous feeling that came hand in hand with the butterflies infesting your digestive system.

_You’re still awkward next to me_

_I want you to stay with me even after today_

_It’s not just a momentary feeling_

_I’m not greedy… It’s just there’s nothing I can do_

You didn’t answer, simply because you didn’t feel like it was appropriate to express how much you loved it and, thankfully, you felt your phone vibrate as someone replied.

_**[Sehun]:** _

_Corny. Go to sleep, Chanyeol_

You laughed dryly at Sehun’s answer, you’d never tell him that he indirectly saved you from yet another emotional breakdown. Little did you know, that gratefulness was going to dissipate just milliseconds later.

_**[Sehun]:** _

_On a scale from 1 to a billion, how much of a puddle of tears are you right now?_

You scoffed, quickly texting him to fuck off before, finally, stepping under the comforting feeling of your muscles being relaxed under the water’s pressure.

You hoped next day would be better but just as you opened your eyes and saw it was barely seven in the morning, you felt your expectations shatter and you groaned, wondering why on Earth did you have to wake up this early on the only day your classes started until eleven.

You scoffed, dragging your feet to your closet and pulling down whatever combination of black clothes and dressing yourself up, not really bothering on putting up a full face of makeup.

Chanyeol’s song was stuck in your head still, tormenting you since before you went to sleep to the exact moment you opened your eyes and your consciousness fully awoke. You cursed him to your insides and then you remembered Sehun’s inappropriate and annoying text and you cursed him as well because that was the diplomatic thing to do.

You got out of your place earlier than you had in a long time. In an attempt to clear your head, you decided to go to the diner instead of going to the coffee shop because you didn’t want to run onto anyone, just in case you looked ready to kill someone.

Food wasn’t as tasty as it was at the coffee shop and the coffee wasn’t nearly as rich nor had as much body as you’d like but for the prize point, you figured, it was understandable.

You stared off onto space, trying to think of something that could take your mind off of the tall, red haired man named Chanyeol, per example how much of a stomachache would you have if you ate three greasy waffles and ten pieces of bacon from that diner or how it had been weeks and you still had yet to found out about Sehun’s girlfriend.

You smiled politely to the waitress that put your plate in front of you and filled your cup with the steaming half transparent coffee, halfway through a yawn, with a few tears rimming your eyes. Everyone had been educated on how not to play around with the food on your plate and to a certain extent –huge, might you add– you understood the importance of it because food was sacred.

But right now, unfortunately, there wasn’t so much you could do about it, it was the only thing that could mildly help you relax a little bit even when you tried to force yourself into thinking about whatever shenanigans. Tossing around your scrambled eggs around your plate was like a metaphor for life pushing and shoving you wherever it wanted, whenever it wanted to and however harsh it so desired.

You felt bad for the poor eggs, a little strange feeling might you add, and after a few minutes you let them rest, unbothered next to the half eaten waffle as you settled your hands on each side of your plate and clicking your nails onto the bar, that’s when you heard someone come in and walk up to the stool where you were sitting.

“Isn’t it too early for you to be out of your cave already?” Your eyes went as wide as your eye sockets could allow them to. You gulped, as you regretted not having taken a sip of coffee before hand because you could’ve used all the caffeine in that cup to pull you through this unexpected encounter.

How could you tell him the reason you were out and about this early in the morning was _him_? Because the less amount of time you spent sleeping meant less time to have his singing voice stuck in your head, therefore you wouldn’t dream of him and in consequence you were, at least, a bit more capable of handling your stress levels.

You scoffed, merely looking at him from the corner of your eye and trying not to spend too much time looking at his perfectly disheveled red mop of hair.

“It’s never too early to get food”. You smirked, taking a bite out of your waffle in an attempt to not look like a totally insane ape.

Chanyeol let out a single, very loud, laugh, startling the few customers that were in the diner. He silently signaled for you to wait a little while he went and ordered something with the waitress that was standing carelessly behind the register.

You had decided to come to the diner today to change settings, for once. You decided to come eat something here because you didn’t want to deal with the coffee shop’s familiarity and paintings that seemed to judge your every decision with their blank stares.

You came here to avoid meeting someone at least for a couple hours yet here you were, running into Chanyeol of all people. The main reason for the dark circles under your eyes. As if you had summoned him, yet again, he plopped onto the stool next to you with a cup of coffee in his hands, squinting his eyes when the bitterness of the liquid hit his taste buds.

“So, you didn’t reply last night. What did you think of my song?” He looked at you with raised eyebrows and mouth slightly pouted, looking very much like a scolded puppy. You had to look away because you felt your cheeks starting to burn and the palms of your hands starting to sweat.

“Well…” You cleared your throat, trying to come up with something as quickly as you could. “I think… it’s cute”. As soon as the words left your lips you could feel him sitting up straighter and you could see the corners of his mouth to pull upwards. What a sick, love-hate relationship you had with that smile of his.

“I mean… It’s probably a bit too cheesy for my taste, like I don’t usually listen to songs like that but it’s catchy and the lyrics are nice so it’s good. I guess… I’m not a music critic so don’t take me too seriously”. You spared him a glance, meeting his gleaming eyes and getting lost in them for a split second.

There was his bright smile again, making you melt into a puddle on the spot and not even a sarcastic text from Sehun would’ve saved you from that.

The waitress came around the corner, placing a plastic bad in front of Chanyeol, who nodded at the employee before she went back to the kitchen. He suddenly plunged onto you and you wondered if you were dreaming. You would’ve pinched yourself but it would probably look extremely weird.

You found yourself engulfed by Chanyeol’s cologne and you remembered how he used to put his arm around you so constantly and you missed those moments but at the same time you didn’t because they only made everything harder than it already was. You took a deep breath, trying to memorize it because you knew it was the only thing that, at the end, you’d have to remind you of him.

“I appreciate your opinion more than anyone else’s. Really, it means so much to me”. He murmured and his breath tickled your ear, you could feel goosebumps appearing on your arms. He let go of you, hands still placed on your shoulders and you couldn’t help but look at him with a shocked expression. PDA wasn’t your thing, whether it was with friends, family or a significant other… Actually, human contact was not your thing in general, period.

You pursed your lips into a crooked smile, quickly checking the clock that hung on the wall to your left side. “You’re late”. You mumbled. Chanyeol looked at his watch and nearly fell from the stool as he practically ran to the door.

“See you later, person”. He cackled before running out of the establishment en route to the campus and you sighed, your head nearly hitting your half empty plate as you let it fall in exhaustion.

Chanyeol was like an energy drink. When you had sips of it, he could make you feel exhilarated, senses heightened and then when he was gone, you felt dull, barely awake and functioning.

Classes went by faster than you expected them too and in all honesty you were glad about the fact that the topics discussed in them were familiar to you already, otherwise you’d find them as a complete pain in the ass.

You’d been texting your best friend back and forth over the course of the last few weeks, sadly not as constant as you would’ve liked but also, you didn’t want to worry her over your constant state of despair and you also wanted to avoid telling her about how Sehun had become your confident because of two main reasons: one being she would get jealous of you trusting someone else above her and the second one because she’d probably tease you about it.

You had been dealing with enough teasing as it was.

You were in the middle of writing another text to her as you were close to the coffee shop when you felt someone shoving your shoulder and you were ready to snap at whoever had the nerve to do such a thing, that’s when you saw Sehun with his signature accusing smile on his face and you could all but sigh heavily and shove him back.

“You never really told me how affected you were by Chanyeol’s song last night and no, I don’t take your _fuck off, Sehun_ as a decent, acceptable reply”. He pursed his lips as he followed you into the familiar setting, the smell of coffee immediately engulfing you and relaxing you to a certain point.

“Why would I tell you that, out of all people? And why would it affect me? It’s just a song that he probably wrote about Hayoon so, whatever, I have nothing to be affected over”. You mumbled, smiling to one of the baristas as they probably were already making your order as soon as they saw you step in.

“Yeah, yeah… So, just so you know, I mean, in case you want to listen to what I have to say for once in your entire life… Hayoon has never been awkward around Chanyeol and he’s never been greedy as to wanting to have her next to him so…” He shrugged, leaning back on the bar as you waited for your drinks to be ready.

“You’re not making any sense”. You huffed, looking at him with squinted, judging eyes.

“Let me simplify my speech for your simple mind so you can understand. Those lyrics you heard, they don’t apply to their relationship. I’ve been around them enough as to know. So I’m just going to plant the curiosity seed into your mind and go on my merry way”. He smiled at you again and once your drinks were handed to you, you really had to fight back the urge to pour your boiling drink on him.

“Just one quick question… Is this going to be our designated hang out spot now?” Sehun chuckled as he followed you onto your usual table and pulled the chair next to you to sit down. You granted him a lighthearted scoff as you raised your eyebrows in his direction.

“No one designated anything. I come here because the coffee is good and also because the food is okay in quality and great in prize. You come here because you like to pester me, apparently, and may I remind you, you were the one that followed me in here just a couple minutes ago?”. Sehun nodded slowly as he listened to each and every single one of your words. You felt like you wanted to chuckle at his reaction, honestly, forgetting for a fleeting moment how frustrated he had made you. It was the first time Sehun seemed to agree with something that had come out of your mouth.

As time passed, you had realized being around Sehun could be very annoying but also very relieving when he wanted it to. It was rare to find people who could keep up with and embrace the sarcasm like he did, which was one of the reasons you had to convince yourself to make an effort to stand him when he was around. Also because he had the power to destroy you if he so desired.

And just when you were starting to feel at ease and enjoy him not fighting, for once, you felt your heart sink, take a thousand turns and settle itself in the pit of your stomach. It honestly felt as if life wanted to test you at every chance it could get. You had to do a quick recap of your entire life to make sure you didn’t have accumulated karma over something you had stupidly resolved when you were younger. You couldn’t recall, but seeing Chanyeol strolling around with his arm slung over Hayoon’s shoulder felt as your punishment for killing someone or being an accomplice to a felony of sorts.

All of the sudden, the hug he had given you earlier that day and Sehun’s words meant nothing. Everything was meaningless when you saw him being so smitten around Hayoon.

Sehun noticed you staring through the window and followed your gaze’s direction to find the reason for you looking so absent-minded. He shook his head slightly when Chanyeol turned to look inside and waved excitedly at the two of you, lightly pulling on Hayoon’s shoulder to make her wave as well, which she obliged to and smiled sweetly and shyly at you. Sehun wanted to personally go out of the shop and push the pair out of sight so you could momentarily forget about your heartache but he refrained and simply waited until the pair was out of sight to start talking again.

“I have something to run by you”. Sehun said nonchalantly, a few minutes after you saw Chanyeol and Little Miss Sunshine outside. Very considerate of him. “Seeing that you’re still very much affected by that giant idiot”.

You scoffed, one more time, adjusting on your seat as you tried to not let it show how hurt you were feeling. “You’re still affected by your ex-sweetheart, or whatever, and you don’t see me ranting on and on about it all the time, do you?” Sehun squinted at you but let it slide, for some reason, clearing his throat after putting down his frappuccino and shifting on his seat so he could face you completely,

“Like I was saying, Chanyeol is an idiot but he’s an idiot that you like and my ex-sweetheart, as you apparently enjoy calling her, is kind of a vile woman to say the least, so, last night, my own intelligence startled me as I came up with a brilliant idea after Chanyeol’s intervention on the group chat. A win/win, foolproof plan if you ask me”.

It was your turn to squint at him as you absentmindedly munched on a blueberry muffin. “That sounds implausible”.

“Wait until you hear me out before you blurt out your subjective opinions, thank you”. He groaned, you had to bite the inside of your cheek to not laugh at his evident frustration. “Without going into much detail, I was thinking about how awful it is to run into someone who blatantly hurt you and how unfair it is to see that person going around like it never happened and then your situation with Chanyeol popped into my head and then it hit me… We should date”.

If it weren’t for the fact that you had just finished swallowing your food, you were sure you would’ve choked on it and probably died then and there. Not that anyone would’ve bat an eyelash if that happened but if was a huge possibility.

“Excuse me?!” You hissed, leaning away from him with a protruding frown. “What the hell made you reach that conclusion? Out of all the people in the world, why should we date? I know rebound culture is a thing but what made you think that I would go for that with you out of everyone?”. You honestly were freaking out a little bit, not because you were nervous but because this ‘grand idea’ of his was one of the craziest, most reckless things you’ve ever heard.

“Don’t sound so eager”. He crooked an eyebrow in your direction, clearly offended by your reaction. “I want to make her see where she went wrong with me and it goes the same way with you and Chanyeol. _‘You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone’_ , ever heard of that before?” Your frown grew deeper and deeper with each word that escaped from his lips and at that moment you didn’t know if he was joking or if he was actually being a hundred percent serious.

“That sounds incredibly frivolous”. You mumbled, slowly returning to a normal sitting position and twirling around the spoon in your cup of coffee anxiously.

“I know but it is a good idea. You can make Chanyeol jealous, if Chanyeol is jealous and he realizes it, he might open his eyes and see that you two are a better match than him and Hayoon”. Sehun raised his eyebrows at you expectantly, as if he was trying to convince you with only his persistent staring rather than a well thought-out plan.

“What do you get out of all this?” You asked, still in disbelief. You still had trouble understanding why Sehun go to such extent to break up his friends’ relationship just so you could be with said friend. Not that it would ever happen, but still…

“If I get to annoy her and get under her skin, I’ll be happy” Sehun shrugged, stealing a piece of your muffin and suddenly you wanted to chop off his sneaky hand.

“I’m sorry to break it to you but this is a terrible idea. Were you drunk when you came to the conclusion that this would be bulletproof?” You asked, shaking your head in disbelief, almost laughing at how ridiculous this whole situation was becoming.

“If everything goes wrong, there’s not much to lose, anyways, since we don’t even have a dignity to lose, for starters”. Sehun sounded so confident in what he was saying that it made you cackle, not because it was hilarious but because he was being ridiculous and a part of you was disappointed that you weren’t recording this whole thing… for future reference.

“Thank you for the encouraging words, Oh Sehun. Have you ever thought about pursuing counseling as a career?” You scoffed as you disregarded the whole conversation but Sehun had a different point of view, as always.

“Think about it. At least we can have a rock solid, startup lie: Boy meets girl at a coffee shop and everything sails smoothly from there, don’t you think?” He clicked his tongue, not taking his eyes off of you.

“We didn’t even meet like that… You know, for being someone with the honey trapper reputation, you sure lack some decent persuasion skills”. You spared him a glance and chuckled when he took your comment to heart.

Sehun had a reputation, you had come to learn over the couple months of being in university and hanging out with his group of friends, who loved to blabber about their ups and downs in the love life department, and also because you heard females gushing around about how handsome and mysteriously sexy he was, apparently. In your eyes, though, Sehun was pretty much like a grown up kid with a sharp mouth and you simply couldn’t see what every other girl in campus saw on him.

“I very much so appreciate your concern over my precarious situation, Sehun, I really do, but I don’t like going around telling lies to save my ass, thank you”.

In a blink of an eye, and you didn’t understand how he sometimes could move so quickly and silently, he was leaning in close to you, staring without blinking and pretty much invading your personal space. You cleared your throat to feel like you weren’t losing control over the situation.

“Honestly, you never struck me as the rule-loving, morally-correct type of person”. He said, voice deeper than usual.

“I am not, really, but I do strive for survival and thoroughly reject stupidity… In all its forms and shapes, specially if it could get me into trouble that I can’t back down from or easily fix”.

Sehun sighed, clearly annoyed at how stubborn you were being and that rubbed him off the wrong way, particularly because he was one of those people who always managed to get what he wanted handed on a silver tray.

The bell hanging above the shop’s door announced the arrival of yet another client and in reflex, you turned to see who this person was.

Again, you were convinced that life just loved to complicate things, not just for you, but apparently for Sehun as well, who stiffened beside you and whose demeanor switched from being an annoyed kid to a serious, unmovable man who could kill someone by just staring at them. It was her, Sunhee. Skipping her way onto the table you two were sharing, only making Sehun sit up even straighter than he was already and his jaw tensing so much, you were afraid he was going to break his own teeth by the force he was applying.

“Sehunnie, long time no see!” She giggled and you really felt like puking your half eaten muffin all over her pristine clothes.

Sehun didn’t even bother to give a proper response, he just hummed and pursed his lips. The energy that was emanating from him was so intense, you were starting to feel anxious and angry as well and maybe that was starting to cloud your judgment.

“Who’s this? Girlfriend of yours? Wow, your taste in women really did change, didn’t it?” You weren’t quite sure if the anger that suddenly engulfed you was because of her condescending tone or if it was due to Sehun’s aura being so contagious with you but that was the moment you couldn’t really control your own body and you did whatever was in your power to swipe that annoying smile off her face.

You reached to put a hand on Sehun’s thigh, which surprisingly enough didn’t even make him flinch but got a reaction out of the female standing in front of you instead, which was what you were aiming for.

“Yeah, this is she and you are…? I’m sorry, I just don’t recall Sehun ever mentioning someone like you”. Your smile was so fake it started to hurt your cheeks but you pushed through for both your pride and Sehun’s sanity.

“Oh, really?” Her smile morphed from a condescending one to a rabid, almost insane one and you felt strangely content with yourself. “Well, sorry to interrupt, I have to get going. Later, Sehunnie”. She chirped, venom spilling with each and every single one of her words, metaphorically speaking, of course.

You watched her walk away and stay in line and you also watched her order one of those hyper-sweet, obviously unhealthy drinks and get out of the establishment without even sparing a glance in your direction, which made you half glad, half disappointed. Even so, your eyes were still glued to her figure as she skipped around, and eventually lost her in a crowd of people. Consequently, you felt Sehun relax under your touch and you suddenly remembered your hand was still sitting on his thigh, making you blush because since when had you become so bold?

“Thank you, girlfriend”. Sehun cackled, making you sigh in frustration as you quickly retrieved your hand from his leg and proceeded to face palm, hoping that it would somehow make you disappear from the face of the Earth.

A weird, indescribable silence fell upon the two of you as you certainly regretted your choices and Sehun kept on cackling and rejoicing about how you had caved in into his ‘strategy’.

“You can’t back up now, I don’t approve of quitters”. He threatened you with an incriminating index finger pointing at you, which you immediately swat away with pursed lips.

After a huge gulp of coffee and the heaviest sigh you have ever let out, you finally looked up at him, ready to admit defeat.

“How did we end up here, Sehun?”

He shrugged at your question, trying to not rub on your face that he had won because it was more than obvious that you were having a humongous inner crisis going on at the moment.

“Poor choices and bad judgment, I suppose”. You didn’t want to laugh but you did, not because it was funny but because Sehun had never said something as accurate as that. He laughed along with you, patting your shoulder unceremoniously.

_________________________


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Strong/explicit language, explicit sexual situations (in future chapters), and a lot more that you’ll catch onto along the way.

You’d like to say you had enough time by yourself to process the whole situation and figure out how the hell your life was going to work out after what happened but you weren’t worthy of that privilege.

You wanted to say that being alone to figure things out was a privilege which was rudely taken away from you but a part of you knew, even if it was against your principles, that there was no way to figure this out without Sehun, mainly because he was the one who suggested it, secondly because he was the other half of this whole fake relationship act.

“Hey, cheer up. It’s not like you saw a ghost”. Sehun chuckled, following you closely behind as you headed to the class you had with the entire group, the nerve-wrecking thought of sharing a class with Chanyeol had been pushed to the furthest corner of your mind for the first time in what felt like forever.

“No, seeing a ghost would’ve been better. I saw death, instead. I just never thought my Grim Reaper would share faces with Oh Sehun”. You mumbled, plopping onto your seat and letting out a heavy sigh that you had been holding in since the very moment you stepped out of the coffee shop.

Sehun cackled, taking a seat next to you and raising an eyebrow in your direction. “What an overly dramatic girlfriend I’ve found for myself”. He was holding back his laughter and that was driving you insane; seeing him thrive on your discomfort. You snapped your head in his direction when you heard the word girlfriend leave his lips so carelessly. You leaned towards him a little bit with raised eyebrows and pursed lips.

“ _Fake_ girlfriend”. You hissed. Sehun snorted, putting his hand over your lips and leaning even closer to you. You wanted to bite him to make him get away.

“Shh”. He hushed you, putting his index finger to his lips. “They may hear you”. Struggling to get away from his grip, you squinted your eyes as if asking who?! _There’s no one here that would give a single flying fuck._

That was until you heard that peculiar laugh followed by a series of loud claps. Your heart dropped to your knees before disappearing a thousand feet under ground. Sehun let you go for the sake of maintaining appearances more so than over your constant nudging, you were sure.

“You give me the chills sometimes and no, before you say anything they’re definitely not the good kind”. You hissed at him, readjusting on your seat again and putting on your half fake smile to greet the other three men that came up to sit around you two.

You felt like that particular lecture lasted three times what it normally would. The loud ticking of the clock hanging on the back wall was a constant reminder of everything you had been through in the span of only twenty-four hours. Sehun’s hand lying carelessly on the back on your chair didn’t help the slightest bit with your stress management either.

One tick reminded you of the overly charismatic way Hayoon had to try and get closer to you, another tick reminded you of the warmth of Chanyeol’s hug engulfing and intoxicating you at the same time. Then came another tick that brought back the rage Sunhee had sparked within you and then another one reminded you of the stupid decision you had taken when you decided on dating Sehun.

It was Catch-22 and you desperately wanted to get away. Sehun nudged your knee with his when your leg twitched more uncontrollably than necessary, you wanted to snap at him but you refrained because you didn’t want to raise suspicions and whether you approved of it or not, you’d have to make an effort to be patient with him from now on.

As soon as the professor dismissed the class you were ready to sprint, almost falling flat on your face while skipping down the couple steps to get out of the room, not even bothering on actually putting everything inside your bag and carrying most of your things on your arms.

That’s when you felt someone grab you by the elbow, holding you back from disappearing in a sea of students. You turned with wide eyes only to see Sehun mouthing you a _‘don’t you dare_ ’ with a crooked eyebrow. You let out a frustrated puff of air, blowing a stray lock of hair out of your face at the same time, reluctantly staying by his side as he waited for the rest to catch up with you two.

“Are you ready for Hayoon’s party, man?” Jongin asked Chanyeol carelessly with a huge smile plastered on his face as they reached the spot where you and Sehun were already waiting. You switched the weight from one foot to the other, a reflex you had when you felt uncomfortable and unable to get away, mainly because Sehun’s grasp around your elbow felt like some sort of inescapable bear trap.

Chanyeol laughed, not with much emotion this time. “I’m not ready for the amount of preparing and post-party cleaning I will have to do but yeah, I guess. You guys will be going, right?” Chanyeol asked, scanning all the faces, trying to persuade all of you with his wide eyes and incessant blinking. You felt his eyes drop when he reached you and you felt the urge to shake Sehun’s hand away from you immediately but you refrained. Still, you felt like Chanyeol’s eyes were starting to burn off the skin where Sehun was making contact.

His eyes shot back up again, a confused crooked eyebrow adorning his forehead and you smiled to hide the fact that you were forcefully pushing down your nervousness with gulps of your own saliva mixed with air bubbles.

“Yeah, we’re going. Right?” You heard Sehun reply and from the corner of your eye, you saw him looking at you. You felt a small hint of gratitude towards him for not tugging on you or doing something of the sort because you would’ve definitely lost your façade and punched him.

You shook your head as lightly as you could as for it to go unnoticed. You looked at Sehun with inquisitive eyes and read his raised eyebrows and small smile as a ‘ _follow my lead_ ’ and you sighed to your insides.

“Right”. You cleared your throat and nodded. Trying to push out a smile made out of pursed lips and regret.

“Why are you using the first-person plural, Sehun?” If you could, you would’ve facepalmed the exact moment you heard Minseok’s voice but that would’ve thrown your whole act directly into the trashcan even before it would actually start working… or whatever Sehun thought it would do for the two of you in the future.

For a split second, as Sehun scoffed, you thought he didn’t even understand what Minseok was talking about. You always thought of Minseok as a bright one and of Sehun as one of those that was hopeless and useless to worry about. But his mischievous smirk contrasted big time with Chanyeol and Jongin’s furrowed brow and you knew right then that his ‘ _I’m dumb, please help me_ ’ attitude was just as fake as your professor’s hairpiece.

You were thankful that he actually seemed to understand the implications of such a technical sentence but it also hurt you a little that Chanyeol didn’t comprehend right away because that meant either you or Sehun would have to explain and you certainly weren’t mentally trained to do so just yet.

“Are you two… _something_?” Minseok squinted his eyes as he pointed an index finger to Sehun and then to you. You wanted to focus on his accusation; you would’ve loved to do that but from the corner of your eye, you couldn’t help to see Chanyeol’s expression changing from a confused one to a surprised one -for a couple seconds- before pursing his lips into something you didn’t know if it was an actual smile or just a different type of confusion.

“I- Uh… we’re- uh…” You stuttered, widening your eyes, nibbling on the inside on your cheek and sticking a non-existent strand of hair behind your ear just so you could get your hands busy. You wanted to clear your throat to have enough time to process a somewhat decent lie but you felt like if you did so, you would either let out a ridiculous nervous laugh or choke on your own saliva.

“We’re close. See you all at the party”. Sehun’s voice combined with those words had an effect on you that you didn’t quite know how to explain. A part of you felt relaxed that he was the one who took one for the team and spoke up in the rather uncomfortable situation but at the same time you wanted to cut off his manhood for giving such a vague and ambiguous answer.

You felt him pull you away from the group and you smiled nervously at them, waving them off as you stumbled around due to Sehun’s tight grasp around your arm and the constant need to avoid crashing onto some other student in the process. Sehun’s grasp disappeared for a brief moment before reappearing around your shoulders now and if you weren’t feeling the three sets of eyes burning a hole on your back before, you certainly were now.

“I know you probably want to kill me right now but hold it in until no one can see us”. You let out a sigh and dropped your head, wondering how many more agreements you’d end up having with Oh Sehun.

After a few minutes of walking, still with Sehun’s arm around your shoulders, which you had grown strangely accustomed to, you finally looked up at him with squinted eyes.

“You could’ve come up with another answer. We’re close. That can be interpreted in so many ways, what if they thought this is like a friends with benefits sort of thing? How gruesome is that?” You complained, making Sehun laugh loudly, slightly shaking your shoulders in response.

“I mean, we could do that if you want to”. He cackled with eyebrows raised in a teasing manner, earning a dry smack across his chest. He winced and glared at you. “Hey, at least I said something and didn’t just stand there, blabbering nonsense with my eyes wide open and a slacking jaw”. He shrugged.

“We’d have to be actual friends first in order for that to happen”. You mumbled, still feeling like there was a rain cloud pouring down specifically on you.

Sehun scoffed, dragging you along yet again when you didn’t notice the pedestrian traffic light changing to green.

“And here I was thinking that me walking you home, buying you coffee and saving you from your Chanyeol induced suffering meant we were close, I feel slightly hurt by your words”.

You couldn’t help but let out a small, discrete laugh at what he said. Yes, of course you were friends but were you going to admit to him that you actually considered you were close to each other? No, not in a million years.

“Good”. You laughed again, before you noticed, you were in front of your building and you frowned, wondering if you ever mentioned you didn’t have to go to the office today. You looked at him with yet another frown, subconsciously mimicking Chanyeol’s expression from just a few moments ago.

“You don’t have internships on Fridays unless you’re called in urgently, it’s common knowledge. Don’t look at me like that”. Sehun excused himself, letting his arm finally drop off from you.

It wasn’t common knowledge; you had made sure they didn’t know your exact schedule in advance, just in case some day you wanted to turn down one of their invites, you’d be able to use the internship card on them.

You squinted your eyes at him and just proceeded to huff and open the door. “Right. Anyhow… Go on your merry way. I guess I’ll see you at the funeral… I mean, the party”.

You weren’t paying particular attention to Sehun, you were too immersed coming up with extremely lame, not funny at all, jokes about your own suffering, so you didn’t notice him slipping right behind you and following you inside the building until you were standing in front of the elevator and almost had a heart attack when you saw him there, staring at you with a raised eyebrow and a condescending smile.

“First off, your joke was so not funny that I felt my organs clench in discomfort. Second off, I _have_ to pick you up. Do I really have to continuously remind you that we are a team now? Because I’m really not that patient…” Sehun scoffed, ignoring the fact that you basically jumped when you noticed him there.

“I didn’t say that to make you laugh, I said that to release my own suffering in a way that wasn’t crying, you inconsiderate scum. And _no_ , I am aware but where on the contract does it stipulate that you _have_ to pick me up? Aren’t we pretending? Can’t we arrive separately and just pretend we got there together and that’s that? Problem solved, congratulations, here’s your badge for fake relationships?”

 _Ding_. The elevator doors opened before you and just as Sehun had slipped into your building, following you closely from behind, he mimicked his own action, stepping inside the metal box after you. You shoved him away, not so strongly as you would’ve liked and he scoffed, for the millionth time.

“First impressions count”. He said as he rolled his eyes and followed you down the hall once the doors opened again on your floor. “What are people going to say when they notice we didn’t arrive together? The whole point is to actually make them believe, you dumb”.

You rolled your eyes as you fished out your keys from the pocket of your pants. For the amount of passive-aggressive nicknames you used on one another, you’d think you didn’t even know the other’s name.

“Fine”. You groaned, as you tossed away your keys and bag and turned around to face him with a hand still on the doorknob. “Do whatever you want, I’ll just follow your lead and get drunk”.

Sehun laughed at your comment this time as he nodded his head just once. “Then I’ll come by at around eight thirty”. He raised his eyebrows and not so sneakily looked over your shoulder to scan the insides of your humble abode. “Your place is surprisingly clean and organized for someone whose life is a giant mess”. He laughed dryly, earning a humongous eye-roll and a shove from you.

“Go away”. You said, no emotion whatsoever in your words as you practically closed the door on his face.

If the situation were to be different, you would’ve forced your best friend to come with you to the party, much like you had done to that get-together barbecue at Minseok’s place, but given the circumstances, you didn’t want to blatantly lie to her face. Guilt was starting to consume you and you weren’t aware that you could host so many unpleasant emotions all at once.

You stalled as much as you could until it was time to get ready. Unnecessarily cleaning your half empty cabinets, reorganizing your books by colors and dusting your living room over and over.

You stood under the shower for longer than you needed and you put on a face mask that you also didn’t need and was definitely going to make you tardy but hey, that was definitely the point. The longer you took getting ready meant the less amount of time you’d have to spend in a stranger’s house, celebrating the girl who indirectly broke your heart, bearing said girl and the man you liked being affectionate to one another.

Yes, you’d do whatever it took to be late. Your plan worked, indeed, but you never noticed Sehun would be such a punctual individual who was ringing your doorbell incessantly at exactly eight thirty one.

You struggled to put on some decently looking dress pants as to not greet him in only a towel wrapped around your torso. You pressed the speaker button as you fumbled to get the zipper up.

“You could’ve been a little late. Fashionably late is oh-kay”. You groaned.

“It’s eight thirty two, I am late by two whole minutes”. He scoffed, making you want to bang your head against the door but you buzzed him in either way and you unlocked the door so he wouldn’t bother you anymore.

“Come in. The door is open”. You blew a stray strand of hair out of your face as you proceeded to put on a shirt and stood in front of your mirror to do your make up, which you weren’t sure how good it was going to come out because your hands were shaking like maracas.

You heard the door open and close immediately after, but you were confused as to why you weren’t being bothered just yet.

“Touch anything, you die”. You half yelled, poking your head slightly out of the bathroom. You heard some mumbling but you didn’t bother on asking anymore, by this point, you had sort of come to terms with having him in your life.

“Easy, tiger. I’m just still baffled by how immaculate this place looks, at least at first sight”. You saw him appearing behind you from the reflection on the mirror, you crooked an eyebrow at him as he leaned against the doorframe so nonchalantly, looking like one of those rebellious fuckboys with his leather jacket and black jeans.

“You probably live in a dumpster, it’s not my fault everything in comparison looks so squeaky clean”. You’d hate to admit it but the constant banter slash arguing with Sehun could calm you down a little bit, specially when you’re feeling so distressed over Chanyeol and whatever came along with him. “No offense”.

“Offense taken”. He squinted his eyes at you, mocking a pained expression and you couldn’t hold back a laugh, shaking your head slightly as you looked down and pondered on what lipstick to wear.

You heard him walk inside the bathroom, which made you go into alert mode because how dare he? You saw his hand creeping to the counter and take one of the lipsticks lying there; you frowned, immediately looking up at him, wondering what the hell was going on inside that dufus head of his.

He handed it to you with a dead serious expression on his face. “This one makes you look decent when you wear it”.

His comment made your sudden rush of nervousness dissipate just as quickly as it had arrived, snapping the tube out of his hand and scoffing. “Jeesh, thank you. Let’s go”.

The drive to get to the house where the party was going to be at was mostly silent. You didn’t know what to talk about with him because you didn’t want to even hint at the subject of how you should act around each other once you got there.

Were you going to hold hands like a teenage couple? Was he going to follow you around? Were you supposed to introduce one another as your significant other? How were you supposed to behave? Like your normal, sarcastic self or did you have to put up a giggly, simple-minded mask on? Did you have to show any type of PDA?

You shivered at the mere thought of it.

Your mind was imploding so bad that not even the loud music coming from the speakers was enough to distract you and stop the palms of your hands from sweating so much you could fill up an entire pool, probably.

Suddenly the car came to a halt and you blinked a couple times when you realized there was people around you and a huge house in the background, fully lit and with music so loud you could hear it even through the thick windows of the vehicle you were in, a vehicle you suddenly never wanted to get out of.

“So, when you said you’d follow my lead and get drunk… Was that serious talk or just something you said to make me leave faster?” Sehun said after clearing his throat and looking at you with raised eyebrows.

You pondered for a minute. What a great question. “A little bit of both, perhaps. You see, I’m quite new at this whole fake relationship department so I really have no idea how I’m supposed to act or what I’m supposed to do”. You shrugged, crossing your arms over your chest and looking at him with a crooked eyebrow.

“It’s just like having a relationship but without actually… having one? I suppose?” The confusion was so evident in his eyes this time that you wanted to cackle and take a picture to tease him with in the future. “It’s not like I’m the expert on fake relationships either”. He huffed, yanking the key from the ignition.

Your past relationships flashed before your eyes and you shivered. You surely didn’t want to reenact a past toxic relationship of yours with Sehun. Hell, you definitely were good at making horrible decisions in the love department, weren’t you?

“Then I guess I’ll follow your lead, just don’t touch the butt”. You mumbled, opening the door and jumping onto the slightly damp street. You could hear Sehun’s chuckles as he walked around the car.

“Same goes for you. And the groin, don’t touch the groin”. You almost choked at his comment, feeling a rush of blood coming up to your cheeks just by the mere thought of touching his –or anyone’s, for that matter– groin.

You two were standing fairly far away from the front door of the house but even then, you could already see Hayoon’s luscious long hair shining under the moonlight as she laughed with a group of people you had never seen and who you probably would never relate to because they looked too happy to be normal.

“Hey”. Sehun said, voice in a deep whisper, as if there was someone who could be eavesdropping. “Let’s just get drunk and put up a show”. You looked up at him with a nervous smile and then you looked down to see him taking your hand.

It was strangely warm but you felt relieved by it because at least you could rely on him if you suffered a nervous breakdown, even if it meant he would tease you even more so than usual.

“Aye! They’re here! It was about time!” You saw Jongin coming from around the corner of the house followed by their friend Baekhyun as you two walked up the few steps, still hand in hand.

You smiled at them, suddenly hyper aware of the fact that your hands were intertwined. “You’re late, that’s so weird coming from you, man”. Baekhyun slapped Sehun’s back with a beaming smile on his face and you wondered what was it about this group of friends with their huge smiles.

“She wanted to be fashionably late, so… I don’t know…” Sehun shrugged, putting his free hand inside the pocket of his jeans. Baekhyun frowned as he looked down to take a look at your hands, looking at Jongin next, who was raising his eyebrows extremely high with a mischievous smirk on his face.

Neither of them said anything after that, they just pushed you inside so you could get drinks and greet the rest.

“Hey”. You tugged on Sehun’s hand, making him lose balance for a split second. “Just wondering, you know, in case I die and someone has to come pick up my body, where exactly are we?”

Sehun stifled a laugh as he leaned closer to you so you could hear what he was about to say.

“This is Hayoon’s house… Well, it’s technically her parent’s but they don’t live here anymore because they had business in another city so they’re letting her live here by herself now. Or something like that, I’m not sure”. Sehun explained, silently greeting random people as you waved through the decently sized crowd.

“This is… big”. You mumbled, swallowing loudly as you took in the size of her house. Clearly that was something else she had that you didn’t. She had the looks, she had the brains and apparently she had the notorious bank account as well. Fabulous.

“Yep”. Sehun said, popping the ‘p’ more than necessary. Somehow you made it to a place that looked exactly like a bar counter of sorts. Who even had a special corner for alcohol in their house? Minseok was sitting on one of the stools, happily taking sips from his beer when he spotted you coming over and he raised his eyebrows at you, exactly the way Jongin had before.

You either wanted to grab his beer and pour it on his head or just steal it and gulp it down in one go.

It startled you to feel Sehun’s hand release your own, it startled you because you didn’t know at what point in these past few minutes you had grown so accustomed to it. He walked around the small bar to get a couple of beers for you as well, you watched him because you were trying really hard to know what his plan was for tonight.

Sehun, you had come to understand, was the little brother everyone loved to hate but not really because you knew no one really despised him, they just loved annoying him and you understood that perfectly because you, also, loved to tease him and he’d do exactly the same to you, just raised to the thousandth power.

You felt Minseok’s eyes on you, staring as hard as only he could.

“What?” You asked with wide eyes as you smiled shyly at Sehun when he handed you a red cup. This was definitely the kind of situation you wanted to avoid and one of the main reasons why you declined Sehun’s offer at first but, you realized, a part of you definitely was more than desperate enough for Chanyeol’s attention as to go along with it and you were ashamed but ever so slightly curious of what the outcome may be.

You partly hated yourself for wanting Chanyeol’s affection so much that you would go to such extents. Love really made people do stupid things, didn’t it?

“Since when are you two… a _thing_?” Minseok inquired, still staring at you without even blinking. You laughed nervously, looking down at your lap as you toyed with a loose thread on your blouse. You felt Sehun walk to your side and swinging an arm on your shoulders.

You kept repeating that this whole thing was fake, that you and Sehun were just playing a part to get something out of this. You kept telling yourself that this was all pretend and it all had an ulterior, selfish motive but you couldn’t help your nervousness levels rise whenever he touched you in any way because you just weren’t used to having physical contact with anyone else other than your parents and your best friend.

Somehow it felt different as to when Chanyeol put his hand over your shoulders, or hugged you or nudged you playfully. When Chanyeol did it, your heart went into overdrive and you felt like your chest was going to collapse. When Chanyeol did it, you could feel the blood in your veins speeding to a maximum and your palms sweating like crazy, when he did it you had to almost physically pinch yourself as to stop you from smiling like a foolish kid at a carnival.

When Sehun did it, though, your heart didn’t race, in all reality it stopped to a halt because it made you so uncomfortable, it made you want to flee the scene. Your hands didn’t sweat, they turned ice cold and stiff and you pursed your lips because you didn’t know how to react. Because all of this was _fake_.

“Like a week or two, I believe”. You managed to spit out when Sehun didn’t speak up. You looked up at him as if telling him ‘well, thank you for your help, dickhead’, but you didn’t say it, neither did you react at all because you knew he couldn’t just carry the whole weight of the situation on his shoulders and _fuck_ , did you want to punch him because of that.

He smiled at you and squeezed your shoulder; you sighed, taking a sip of your alcoholic beverage in hopes it would make the blush on your cheeks go away or in the worse case scenario, just heighten it and give it a believable excuse.

Excuses. Oh, when did your life become just a huge, messy, embarrassing excuse?

“How did you manage to keep it a secret? We see each other literally everyday and _you_ …” Minseok said, as he squinted his eyes and pointed at Sehun with his almost empty bottle. “You live with Chanyeol, how did you not brag about this to him? You know he has a soft spot for this one”.

Sehun laughed silently, leaning closer to you and maybe he knew, maybe he didn’t, you were only sure that Minseok definitely didn’t know his words took such a toll on you. You didn’t know if this was the last thing you needed at the moment or exactly the opposite. Because hearing him say that Chanyeol had a soft spot for you made your insides burn in anticipation. You didn’t want to fuel this whole relationship ordeal but that was exactly the reason you needed to not back out and you were sure, right then and there, that you were a horrible human being for moving along with this.

“I wanted it to be a surprise”. Sehun chuckled, leaning his cheek on the top of your head and for a moment you wondered how ridiculous that must’ve looked in Minseok’s eyes.

“Either that or you didn’t want to be punched to death”. Minseok laughed, turning his attention back to his bottle and deviating the conversation onto something much more banal, like what was there to eat and drink at this party and how overboard Hayoon had gone for this.

Parties usually went like this: you get there, you get yourself some drinks and snacks to start the night, you make small talk with people that you really don’t know, you get more and more drinks until you are tipsy and the stupid games begin just when the music starts to get louder and weirder.

At this point you were right in the process of getting to a tipsy state and you had managed to not see either Hayoon or Chanyeol for the couple hours you had been there already. You didn’t know whether that was a good or a bad thing, the only good thing was that Sehun was strangely social with people and so he escaped your side from time to time, letting you be and do whatever you wanted for however long you wanted.

It was good, at first, but when he took too long you felt strangely lost and bored. Sadly, being a lonely tipsy girl on her way to getting drunk was never a good idea. From time to time some of the guys would meet you, get you another drink or just have small conversations. By this point during the night you had become quite the expert on explaining what your relationship with Sehun was.

“Oh, well, you know, it sort of just happened a couple weeks ago, we didn’t want to tell anyone so…” You blabbered when Jongin questioned you about it as he poured you a cup of cranberry vodka, which you knew it was a bad idea because you had already drank beer, rum and a bit of whisky but hey, at least you weren’t the designated driver.

Jongin nodded with a smile planted on his face as he heard you explain, yet, he never took his eyes off your drink. He handed you your cup, filled to the top. “I’m happy for you, you’re such an odd couple but I’m happy for you”. He beamed as he dragged you to the back yard, where apparently a game of beer pong was about to take place.

You felt sorry for the poor souls that were about to go through that because beer pong wasn’t the greatest of ideas, specially when everyone there was in the same precarious situation as you with God knows how many types of alcohol in their bloodstreams already.

“Hey!” You heard that high-pitched voice that made your toes curl. You turned to your left to see Hayoon skipping her way towards you with a huge, drunkish smile on her pretty face. “So glad you could make it, here to support your man?”

You frowned, not understanding what she meant for a blissful second, then you remembered: you had a boyfriend.

“Ah”. You half gasped when you realized and then you frowned because you sure weren’t the one who told her. “Who told you?” You spat out, blinking rapidly and practically submerging your nose into the reddish looking drink.

“Well, walls talk, but I just ran into Minseok and Baekhyun who were looking for you to come out here and they spilled the beans, I’m sorry”. She giggled, shrugging innocently. “But, I know it probably doesn’t mean much coming from me, someone that you barely know, but I think you two make a very nice couple. I’ve known Sehun for a while and I’ve never seen someone who can keep up with his remarks and teasing just as much as you do so I’m definitely rooting for you. Now we can have double dates”. She giggled again, skipping away from you and you sighed.

Right. Double dates. What a wonderful idea, to be stuck at a restaurant table with the man that held your affections, his girlfriend and your _> fake_ boyfriend. What an ideal scenario.

“Look who showed up. Came here you cheer up for your boyfriend?” Sehun’s voice tickled you as he leaned in to talk to your ear. You squinted your eyes and you bent your neck to look at him in the eye.

“Are you going to play?” You asked, disbelief spilling in rivers from your mouth. He couldn’t be that stupid, could he? He nodded rapidly, lips pursed into a proud smile. “You idiot, you’re the designated driver, I don’t want to die on my way home”. You hissed, slightly slapping him on the back of his head, making him laugh at your drunken concern.

“Ah, we’ll be fine. I’m a good player, don’t worry”. He said smugly, ruffling up your hair and dragging you by the hand to stand near the table. “I’ll dedicate my victory to you, _darling_ ”. He laughed. You rolled your eyes and you couldn’t help but smile anyways. However fake this was, it was nice to hear someone calling you ‘darling’, even if it was drenched in sarcasm.

You snapped your head around when you heard Hayoon’s overly sweet laugh from somewhere to your right. For the first time throughout the whole night, you felt your heart truly sink at the sight.

Chanyeol and Hayoon were walking hand in hand towards the beer pong table, his head nuzzled in the crook of her neck, her cheeks were almost as red as your vodka and you felt like puking and not really because you were inebriated. You had to force yourself to look away from them, otherwise you were going to start bawling your eyes out and look very distorted.

You looked back at Sehun, whose expression changed worringly fast and that’s when you knew, he was doomed and therefore, so were you.

“Please tell me you’re better at this than Chanyeol”. You sighed, rubbing your temple with your knuckles, forcing your alcohol levels to at least decrease to a decent point. Sehun smiled apologetically at you.

“I’ll try my best”. You sighed, closing your eyes tightly and breathing slowly.

“Sassy!” Chanyeol’s voice made your insides tremble in anticipation. You had an internal battle because you desperately wanted to see him, smile at him and pretend there was no one else there but the two of you, on the other hand, you didn’t want to see him running his hands all over Hayoon. You let out a laugh and forced yourself to look at him with a sly smile on your lips. “Ready to see how I beat his ass?”

You let out a chuckle, a sincere one this time. “Show some mercy”. You yelled back, making people around you laugh out loud.

The game started and it was okay at first, Sehun making a couple points while Chanyeol continuously failed to score. The tables turned quicker than expected, though, and you felt your heart and stomach sink down to your heels as Chanyeol scored three times in a row. Clenching your hands into tight fists, you stepped to Sehun’s side, snapping the cup from his grasp and looking up at him with pleading eyes.

He had only drunk one cup but you were already scared due to the pink tint taking over his cheeks. You gulped down the liquid in one go and threw the cup away to somewhere behind you. Half of the small crowd erupted with cheers and claps whilst the other half was booing you for interfering.

“He’s the designated driver so… I’ll drink in his behalf”. You said, scared to look at Chanyeol in the eye. Sehun was staring intently at you, his hand still stuck in the position it had been before you snapped the cup away. Chanyeol pursed his lips, eyes darting between you and Sehun and finally after a whole minute, he nodded.

“Fine but I’ll let you know, I’ve never lost a game before”. You nodded rapidly, trying to ignore the fact that you had just signed a deal with the devil, basically.

Sehun’s hand crept up to cup your jaw and your eyes widened, ignoring the catcalls here and there. You could feel Chanyeol’s eyes boring into your face. “You don’t have to, I’m fine, really”. Sehun’s expression was so serious it was scary; you immediately related that to his alcohol intake and nothing else.

“I won’t die because of you, I’m already in such a mess as is”. You laughed dryly, making him smile and nod, forcing himself to focus on the game again.

You had made a terrible decision, that was a given. Turns out Chanyeol was a master at this, even if Sehun was very good himself, Chanyeol was always one step ahead and you asked yourself why were you feeling so out of it after only nine cups of beer. In your drunken mind, that didn’t sound like a lot of alcohol but your body stated otherwise.

It came to only one cup left for each of them and you were having trouble standing up straight but you were trying to keep it together because you were scared of making a fool of yourself in front of Chanyeol, of all people.

Chanyeol missed, the crowd hissed in unison and you widened your eyes, looking up at Sehun who was already looking down at you.

“You okay?” He asked, raising his eyebrows. You nodded, gifting him a half sincere, half intoxicated smile and a thumbs up. You really were such a ridiculous person when drunk. He pursed his lips into a crooked smile and threw the ball.

You didn’t know you were holding your breath until the ball went into Chanyeol’s cup and you almost fell to the ground, losing your balance as you let out a small yelp. Sehun caught you, though, grabbing you by the waist and you remembered your own thoughts when you arrived at the party: that he’d have your back, and here he was, literally saving your ass.

Your hand gripped his shoulder, stabilizing yourself and if it weren’t for how dizzy you were, you would’ve pushed him away immediately but you were beyond loopy and you were still playing a part.

“I told you I’d win for you”. Sehun chuckled as you blinked desperately fast, trying to focus on what was happening. Sehun was merely inches away from you and you were scared to move because even the slightest of motions would have you pressing your faces together.

You gulped, trying to not pay attention to everyone staring, Chanyeol included. You didn’t want to pay attention to them because that would make you so abnormally self-conscious but at the same time, you didn’t want to focus on Sehun and his extreme proximity. You wanted to disconnect your mind and just wake up the next day with a killing hangover but in the safety of your own bed.

“I’m going to kiss you now”. Sehun whispered and confirmed all of your fears. You didn’t have a choice but to gulp and close your eyes when he leaned in closer and closer and he finally pressed his lips against yours.

Cheers erupted again but now they sounded like they were extremely far away. Sehun’s lips felt warm and soft, you never thought his venom-spilling mouth would feel so soft but it did and you were strangely glad it did, because at least it wasn’t something that made you physically want to vomit your brains out but still, this was all fake and you couldn’t help but imagining this was Chanyeol instead of Sehun.

You had thought of Chanyeol in this scenario before, there was no point in denying it anymore. You imagined his lips being as warm as a cup of chocolate in the winter, inviting, comforting and sickly sweet. A part of you felt bad for Sehun, for you thinking he was someone else, but this was the point of the whole thing. Your relationship with Sehun was fake and your heart was in Chanyeol’s hands, regardless of how weird it was to feel like Sehun’s lips were molding perfectly to yours.

Sehun’s grasp on your waist got tighter as the crowd cheered louder and you had to mentally prepare yourself to actually kiss him back and so you did.

Your lips moved in harmony for a few minutes and as much as you were scared to do so, you knew you had to make this believable, so when his tongue poked out of his mouth you granted him access and your limbs went even more numb than they already were because this whole thing was very confusing to you.

There was just so much physical contact two people could have before their minds started to go hazy.

You regained your balance and you moved away from Sehun. Half of the crowd that once was there had now dissipated to prepare for another round of beer pong between God knows who. Chanyeol was still there, staring at you, jaw slightly hanging. Hayoon was still next to him, giggling with a hand pressed to her mouth as she watched you and Sehun with wrinkles around her eyes.

You tried to take a step on your own to head back inside the house, mind still lost somewhere between Chanyeol’s fiery stare and Sehun’s soft lips, but your limbs betrayed you and you almost fell once more. Sehun grabbed your hand, intertwining your fingers and securely dragged you inside, sitting you at the living room while he went to get you some water and something to eat.

Your head felt heavy over your shoulders, you were seeing stars and your fingers felt frozen. You were staring into nothing, still confused due to what had happened before. If it was a secret that you and Sehun were an item –a fake one, but no one suspected about it– now it was all out in the open and this is where everything would actually start.

You saw someone come up and take a seat in the coffee table that sat right across from you, you had a hard time focusing your eyes on said person but when you finally figured out their features, you felt the urge to pretend you were asleep.

Chanyeol leaned forward, resting his elbows lazily atop his knees and he stared intently at you, not saying a single word, just staring. Your breath hitched, widening your eyes and trying to look at every single detail in the room except for his eyes because if you did, you would’ve melt into a puddle and left a permanent stain on Hayoon’s immaculate furniture.

“Hey”. You mumbled through gritted teeth, eyebrows raised, mocking an innocent expression, like one of a child who had broken an expensive base and was trying to pretend nothing had happened.

“You made a reckless decision out there”. Chanyeol was so serious it made you shiver. “Just so you know, in case you’re feeling more drunk than usual, that was beer mixed with bourbon”.

“Ah”. You blabbered. “So that’s why”. You weren’t sure how you were managing to form out sentences because you felt like you were having an out of body experience at the moment.

Silence fell upon you and you were starting to twitch under Chanyeol’s piercing gaze. Was he really this mad over you getting drunk? He really had to get his priorities straightened out, like per example, where was his obviously intoxicated girlfriend?

“Where d’you leave Hayoon?” You asked, eyebrows shooting up again. You knew you probably sounded like you were accusing him of something and in all reality, you were, but that’s what people say: drunk people always speak the truth.

“She’s in the bathroom with her friends, she had too much to drink. Much less than someone else I know, but still…” He pursed his lips again and you felt like going on your knees and ask for forgiveness right then and there. “Where did you leave Sehun?”

His words cut you like knives. You knew he wasn’t mad because he was jealous but more so because of your state and probably because he felt betrayed that it was kept a secret from him but it still stung.

This was the plan, right? This was the whole point, this is why you held Sehun’s hand and kissed him; you did it to get on Chanyeol’s nerves, even if it was almost a completely lost cause. This was what you wanted, then why did you feel so bad?

“He went to get me some water”. You blurted out, holding back a giggle. Why were you giggling, though? You didn’t understand.

“You and Sehun… Were you ever planning on telling me?” You didn’t know someone as soft and warm as Chanyeol could come off so cold and ruthless, especially over something so insignificant as you having a fake relationship. But he didn’t know that.

“It sort of just happened”. You pursed your lips, looking at him through your eyelashes, not really having the courage in you to keep looking at him straight in the eye.

“Sehun is not the relationship type, I just don’t want you to get hurt… I don’t want him to hurt you”. Chanyeol mumbled, looking away from you. You looked so out of it, so fragile sprawled out on the couch like that. He felt like he needed to protect you but it wasn’t his place to.

“He won’t”. Sehun’s deep voice startled you, making you jump a little when he sat on the edge of the couch next to you, handing you a cold bottle of water and a sandwich, which you gladly accepted with a coy smile.

If you would’ve been sober, you would’ve noticed the tension between them; the type of tension you couldn’t even cut with a chainsaw but you weren’t, so you just ignored everything and munched on the food he so kindly brought you.

“I don’t have anything to do here anymore so… Just get her home in one piece, will you?” Chanyeol blurted out as he stood up and tried to iron out the wrinkles on his pants with his hands.

“Of course I will”. Sehun mumbled, watching Chanyeol walk off to somewhere down the hall. You scoffed.

“I didn’t drink all of that for nothing so you better do it”. You blurted out, mindlessly as you drank almost the whole bottle. Sehun chuckled, eyes fixated on your profile as you finished eating the sandwich.

From then on, there wasn’t much you remembered. You remembered finish eating and getting up, following Sehun out of Hayoon’s house, shouting your goodbyes to Jongin along the way and then getting in his car. You remembered buckling up your seatbelt and leaning your head on the ice-cold window but after that, everything was pitch black.

You had no idea how fast you got home or how you managed to get into your apartment but once you woke up, sun shinning annoyingly through the small cracks of your blinds, you noticed you were safely tucked in, face bare of make up. You wondered how it was possible for you to do that in the state you were in.

The nausea kicked in as soon as you tried to get up to go to the bathroom and you almost collapsed on the floor because it felt unbearable to even move an inch without puking. Through squinted eyes, you saw a cup of water on your nightstand, next to a bottle of Tylenol and a yellow Post-It.

You rubbed your eyes with the heels of your hands and groaned as you popped two pills onto your mouth and swallowed them with a huge gulp of water. Your fingers danced over your nightstand until they got to the note and you had to gulp down the urge to groan again.

_I got you home alive so don’t blame me if you feel like you’re dying when you wake up. In case you do, though, you can call me_

It took you a couple of deep breaths to process the fact that Sehun was the one who had tucked you in and took care of while you were acting basically like a bag of mashed potatoes and then the memories hit you and they made your stomach churn in a different way.

You had kissed Oh Sehun and surprisingly enough, you didn’t completely hate it.

 _This is fake_. You kept telling yourself. This was fake, the kiss was fake and the concern was fake as well, platonic at most. You remembered how Chanyeol seemed upset and you gave yourself a pat on the back for achieving that but besides that, everything was fake, then why was a part of you confused?

You trotted to the bathroom to splash your face with cold water in an attempt to clear your head and dissipate your uneasiness.

Everything was fake. Then, why were you remembering every detail of the kiss so vividly?

You were in dire need of a thousand espresso shots.

_________________________


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: RATED R. Explicit depictions of sex at the end of the chapter.

The steam coming from the cup between your hands clouded your vision but that was about it. It did nothing else for you and you groaned as you stared blankly through the window, sitting at your table, wrapped in a blanket, hair as messy as it had ever been, a clear reflection of how your life had been going lately.

It was already Sunday and you still felt like you were dying, but did that mean you were going to call Sehun just over a –not so– little hangover? Nope, definitely not but did you _want_ to call him? You weren’t sure. You felt like you _needed_ to, perhaps because you felt like you needed to clear the air with him and tell him that the kiss you shared didn’t really mean something. You partially felt entitled to do to that, whereas the other voice inside your head knew that there really was no need to do so because you both knew it was completely fabricated.

You had been repeating that over and over since the night before, so much you were afraid the words might have been tattooed all over your skin already.

It was all feigned. Everything was basically scripted, you knew that and Sehun definitely knew that as well. It was all an act that, apparently, had started to work, slowly but surely because it _did_ evoke some sort of response out of Chanyeol and, still, you didn’t want to let yourself get your hopes up.

Letting yourself be hopeful usually came followed by a greater, sharper, unbearable pain that you weren’t sure you would be strong enough to handle. It was enough as it was. The constant ache was enough already, it was enough whenever you saw him with Hayoon, it was enough when he treated you as another one of the guys and worse when he referred to you as his little sister.

Your heart cramped up over and over and at one point, you figured, it had decided to stay cramped and crumbled up because there was no way of ever fixing it. Because unrequited love was worse than anything and definitely worse than a break up, you were sure. You couldn’t have closure for something that never really begun in the first place.

When it came to Chanyeol, you considered your suffering had already been enough and yet, it always found a way to multiply itself out of the blue, even with just a single thought, with a single flicker of his existence, the pain kept growing and it pushed against the walls of your heart, making it weaker and unnerving you due to the impending, completely wrecking explosion of it, one you clearly felt getting closer and closer by the second.

And then you noticed your thoughts drifting to Sehun and you wondered if he felt the same way as you did. You wondered if he suggested this whole idea because he was also feeling as if he was drowning and slowly crumbling down as water dispersed the pieces of himself that he lost within someone else, just like you had. You wondered what had happened to him to push him to act this way. You asked yourself and pondered over the possibilities of what Sunhee could’ve done that was so revolting as to hurt Sehun in such a way and push him to seek revenge.

Whatever it was, though, you didn’t have to know the details to stand by Sehun’s side.

You scoffed; you never thought you’d support him so fervently and unconditionally. It didn’t matter if Sehun acted as a conceited child sometimes, it didn’t matter if –most of the time– he didn’t think before he spoke, it didn’t matter if he couldn’t hide his opinionated mind because all of that made him who he was and they weren’t enough of a reason as to break his heart and shatter his soul. At least you didn’t think so.

You wanted to fall asleep again; you wanted to recover everything you had lost two nights before, call it energy, nutrients or dignity, you wanted to recover everything and disconnect yourself from the reality that seemed to be suffocating you more than it was before because sleeping on and off for over twenty four hours was definitely not enough for your body.

You wanted to blame your steaming cup of black coffee for your lack of extra sleep but the reality of it all was that you couldn’t rest because your mind was racing, filled with incoherent thoughts.

The ringing of your phone startled you, bringing back the pounding headache with it. You groaned, not even bothering to check who was calling you. You weren’t expecting any calls and yet you had convinced yourself that you’d hear Sehun’s husky voice from the other end of the receiver.

“You’re alive”. You almost choked with your coffee as you heard Chanyeol speak up. Your heart rate increased and you thought, for a moment, your heart wanted to escape from the confines of your chest and either hide in the furthest corner of the planet or run straight into his arms and never let go. Why was he calling you all of the sudden?

After you were done coughing, you cleared your throat, praying to God you sounded not half-dead. “Barely but yes. Hello”. You gulped as you felt a frown taking over your forehead and you rubbed your fingers over it, subconsciously.

“Everything okay? Did you get home alright? Are you sick?” Chanyeol’s voice was serious and it sounded deeper than usual as it was coated with a layer of concern and something else you couldn’t pin point over the phone. Not even a single chuckle came from him, not even when he practically heard you die as you choked on your own saliva.

“I suppose so, since I’m sitting at my kitchen table drinking coffee”. You chuckled, wanting to elicit at least a snicker or even a sigh from him but nothing happened and you wanted to smash your head against the cold surface of your table.

Silence, when it came to Chanyeol, felt like death itself.

“I called you and sent some texts your way yesterday and you never answered. You had me worried sick… and Sehun as well but I bet you knew that already”. Chanyeol’s voice grew deeper as he mentioned Sehun’s name and you wondered how that was even possible. It shook you, it literally made you tremble because you had never heard that tone coming from him, you wanted to convince yourself that he was talking like that because he had just woken up and not because he was mad for whatever reason.

You forced out a chuckle, trying in any way you could to hear his smile through the receiver. “Ah, yeah. I was sleeping basically all day”. No, you didn’t know they had tried to contact you, you didn’t bother checking your phone until this morning when you noticed the battery had died and plugged it in reluctantly and left it somewhere in the living room as you took yet another trip to the bathroom.

You didn’t want to check it because you didn’t want to be disappointed by your behavior from the other night and also didn’t want to feel your heart breaking at the lack of concern but apparently you had been wrong. Double wrong. And, actually, you weren’t prepared to handle this amount of concern from two different people.

You felt nauseous again as you put your phone on speaker and proceeded to check you unread messages. Chanyeol was right, indeed, and you didn’t know if you should laugh or be worried slash ashamed.

While Chanyeol’s texts were basically all like _‘Are you okay?’, ‘call me when you read this’, ‘do you need anything?’_ ; Sehun’s ranged from _‘how’s the hangover treating you?_ ’ and ‘ _bet you look real funny hugging your toilet right now_ ’ to ‘ _okay but did you really die? Why are you not arguing back?_ ’ and _‘do I have to arrange your funeral now? I don’t have any money, you know’_.

You ran a hand through your tangled hair in a futile attempt to ease the tension Chanyeol was creating in the pit of your stomach due to his never ending silence and heavy breathing.

“Well, I’m glad to hear you’re okay. See you around”. Chanyeol’s words although seemingly inoffensive, cut into your skin like preheated sharp knives, especially because you still weren’t able to comprehend the reason for his newfound animosity and repulsion towards you.

The next couple hours were pretty much uneventful, mainly because you were still dealing with the residues of your hangover and you were drowning in self-pity, that was until your doorbell rang, startling you to the point of almost falling off your couch. Finally noticing that the sun had already set.

As far as you were concerned, you didn’t order any take out nor were you expecting visitors. If you were, you would’ve at least brushed your hair and changed out of your pajamas.

“Who is it?” You asked with a raspy voice through the intercom, still confused. Maybe it was someone who ringed the wrong bell, or one of those annoying kids who rang every doorbell before running away. You hated those.

“She’s alive!” At the sound of Sehun’s mocking voice, you couldn’t help but roll your eyes and let your head fall, almost hitting the wall in the process. “Open up, I bought food”.

“What are you doing here?” You groaned, suddenly self-conscious of your whole attire, especially the fuzzy rainbow socks you were wearing.

“That’s a question I’ll answer once I’m inside”. Sehun cackled as you reluctantly buzzed him in.

You sprinted to your room, to at least put on some clean sweats and brush your hair to make it seem as if you weren’t having a miserable day. It wasn’t as if Sehun wouldn’t see right through your useless attempts but it was better than just totally expose your precarious state towards his already teasing self.

You had barely sat back on your couch when he barged through the front door. You watched him, completely unamused by his overly comfortable behavior. He slipped his shoes off and sat across from you, on the other end of your couch, still without saying a word. You continued to follow his every move with your eyes and a raised questioning eyebrow.

He fished out a box from the paper bag he was carrying and offered it to you, shaking it a little. The smell immediately hit your nose and now you were even more confused than you already were.

“Why are you here and why did you bring chicken nuggets?” You spoke up as you crossed your arms over your chest. Did he think that just because he knew where you lived he could come by unannounced whenever he wanted?

“Listen, if you don’t want them, I’ll eat them, no problem with that”. He shrugged, starting to take them away but you snapped the box from him anyways, trying very hard to maintain your stoic expression as you put a whole nugget into your mouth. “Good girl”. He chuckled as he fished another box from the bag and a can of soda, which he placed on the coffee table carelessly.

You huffed but decided to ignore his way of talking to you as if you were an animal.

“I’ll just ask one more time. What are you doing here?” You mumbled as you kept chewing on the almost cold chicken nuggets. You watched him from the corner of your eye as he also dived into his own box of fried food and shrugged.

“You never called to yell at me about how much you wanted to kill me for letting you drink in industrial amounts; I thought you had really died so I was concerned because I really don’t have the money to fund a funeral right now. I came in peace to check on your probably rotting body”.

You kicked him because as much as you were trying to be patient with him, there was only so much sarcasm you could take; more so right now, when you were on your way to get over the most disgusting hangover you had ever had in your life. He complained, of course, whining like a teenager throwing a tantrum.

“And I’m honestly hurt at the fact that you answered Chanyeol’s phone call instead of answering me before. I am your boyfriend”. He looked at you with raised eyebrows as he sipped from his own cup.

“Yeah, well, for the nth time, it’s _fake_ boyfriend and not precisely the boyfriend I’d like having”. At your words, his jaw dropped, taking a hand to his chest, mocking pain.

“Your words hurt like a thousand bees stinging my heart”. You scoffed. He really deserved the title for the most dramatic person in the world.

“Good”. You tried to hide your smirk behind yet another chicken nugget.

“I also came to get you out of your cave. There’s a haunted house the guys want to visit and I thought it was a great opportunity to…” You interrupted Sehun’s mumbles before he could continue.

“To torture myself watching as Hayoon clings onto Chanyeol like a stubborn leach? No, thank you. Besides, it’s Sunday. Sundays are for staying in”. Sehun crooked his head to the side to look at you with squinted eyes, obviously annoyed. You wondered if that was the same expression you had when he annoyed the living daylights out of you. Probably, yes, but in a less good-looking way, for sure.

“As I was saying, to make Chanyeol jealous but whatever floats your goddamn boat”. You watched intently as he shrugged and return to his previous position as he kept eating and sipping from his soda as he mindlessly scrolled down his cellphone.

You pondered for a second, considering your options. You could either stay in and survive with the food your personal embodiment of torture had brought for you or you could make an effort to step out onto the real world and continue with the plan you were slowly but surely embracing.

You sighed, throwing your blanket towards Sehun as you stood up and took your food to the kitchen. He blinked rapidly, seemingly startled as the piece of warm fabric covered half his body, including his food and drink.

“Let me get ready, then. Make yourself at home… But not so much”. You mumbled, dragging your feet to your room to get some clothes and take an express shower. You could hear Sehun mumbling through his teeth as you made your way towards the bathroom, he was carelessly looking for the remote all over your living room. You couldn’t help but smile at the sight.

As soon as you stepped out of the shower you heard a loud knock on the door. You groaned, cracking the door open just enough to peek an eye through the gap. You raised you eyebrows, silently demanding an explanation.

“You know, bladders exploding from holding back the pee is a genuine thing and it’s painful as hell”. Sehun groaned, shifting his weight on each foot incessantly.

“Oh, did The Simpsons taught you that?” You cackled with a raised eyebrow. “Couldn’t you hold it in for like five more minutes until I was done getting ready?” You rolled your eyes as you struggled to keep the door half closed and the towel around your body in place as he was trying to push the door open.

“You’ve already taken so long, I am an exceptional example of a human being but I’m not a robot. I have to go”. He said through gritted teeth as he pushed the door with all his strength, making you stumble and hold on to the towel wrapped around your body for dear life, hissing when you noticed him not giving a single flying fuck and started to undo his zipper.

“Jesus Christ, you’re unbelievable”. You complained, stomping out of the bathroom reluctantly and leaning against the wall to just wait. You never thought you’d be waiting for Sehun to get out of your bathroom as you only wore a towel around your torso but hey, life takes unexpected turns.

“I am aware”. He yelled back. A few minutes later he came out, looking triumphant as if he had just won the lottery and you were sure you looked the exact opposite of that.

“Hurry up, we’re already late”. He said, smirking as he patted your cheek casually. You huffed, hurrying to get dressed and put a minimal amount of make up on to at least hide the humongous dark circles under your tired eyes.

-

“You dumb”. Sehun mumbled as you stepped outside of his vehicle, momentarily slipping due to the wet pavement. He quickly grabbed you by your elbow to stabilize you again. “I assume you didn’t bring an umbrella or anything that could remotely guard you from the rain, did you?” He rolled his eyes but, still, the permanent smirk didn’t disappear from his features.

You huffed, hugging your own torso when a cold breeze hit you and it made you shiver uncontrollably as it sprinkled some water drops all over your body.

“Well, in my defense, it was remarkably cloudless when you picked me up so…” Yes, you had made yet another questionable decision, even if it was as simple as bringing an umbrella or a more appropriate jacket, but what was new about your lack of logical thoughts?

“Excuses… That’s all I’m hearing right now”. He chuckled, pulling you towards him, making you bump unceremoniously to his side. Warmth radiated from his tall figure as he lifted his own jacket to cover you both from the drizzling, persisting rain.

You walked reluctantly over to the entrance, holding Sehun by the waist to fit under the protection him and his outerwear were offering for you. Your hand was crumpling his shirt beyond belief and you had to swallow harshly to force your heart to behave and not freak out at the action. It was all a pure act of survival. Natural selection, if you will.

Flashing images of your kiss appeared before your eyes, you had to furiously shake your head to scare them away. It was getting ridiculous. Everything… But mainly the fact that you two seemed to be getting more physically comfortable with one another. It made you nauseous in many ways.

You practically shoved Sehun away form you the mere second you stepped foot under the safety and dryness of the lobby of sorts, earning a loud complaint from him. You knew, after a few moments that it was probably because you were jeopardizing your whole plan just because your mind was playing tricks on you.

He came back to your side almost immediately, snaking a hand around your waist as you approached the small group of friends, who were already waiting in line for you. You didn’t complain because it was time to put on the mask, yet again.

“You’re lucky they didn’t see that”. He mumbled, dangerously close to your ear; to the rest it probably looked as if he was planting a kiss on your temple when in reality he was just being his normal, annoying, threatening self and you were trying to find ways to divert the conversation, mainly because you were morphing onto a bundle of nerves.

“Weren’t you supposed to have an umbrella somewhere in your car?” You accused him with squinted eyes as you approached the others, walking half carelessly by his side.

“I took it to the carwash, I had to get everything out of it”. He mumbled disinterestedly as he greeted Chanyeol and Jongin with a nonchalant nod. Minseok was missing because he probably had better things to do and you were a tad bit jealous.

You looked up at him with disbelief painted all over your face. He raised his eyebrows at you, feigning innocence as he pretty much always did.

“Excuses, that’s all I’m hearing right now”. You mocked the words he had said to you before, clearly getting on his nerves, which was exactly what you were aiming for.

“What are you two arguing about now?” Jongin chuckled, as he looked at you two with a sweet smile on his face. He was such an angel and you scolded yourself for not liking him instead of Chanyeol. Everything would’ve been easier and better.

“She’s mad because we got caught up in the rain and she just took a shower”. Sehun snickered, earning a pinch on the ribs from your part, making him hiss but he continued laughing nonetheless.

From the corner of your eye you could see Chanyeol raising his eyebrows and pursing his lips, an expression that enhanced the dimple on his cheek in a different way. Your heart skipped a beat.

“A very long one, may I add, that’s why we’re late”. Sehun’s ability to expose your secrets made you uneasy because you weren’t sure if at any given moment he’d just slip your most important, darkest, most embarrassing one to the man that was standing right next to you.

“Wow, you two really are spending a lot of time together, huh?” Chanyeol mumbled, forcing out a smile but still keeping his raised eyebrows in place. You blinked as fast as your lids allowed you to, trying to process his comment.

“Where’s Hayoon?” You spit out, out of nowhere. God, you sure loved your word vomit. You felt Sehun looking down at you and you heard Jongin stifling a laugh but your eyes never left Chanyeol’s and you saw something flash through them, even so, you weren’t able to pin point exactly if that was a flash of discomfort and sadness or pain and anger.

“She’s being held off at her internship, she won’t make it”. He mumbled, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his dark jeans and finally diverting his gaze from yours.

“At least I won’t be anyone’s third wheel, so that’s good”. Jongin chuckled again as the line moved forward. Sehun laughed alongside his friend, starting a conversation about some choreography they had to learn but your mind was too preoccupied with the palpable tension in the air as to pay any attention to what they were saying.

You were torn. As glad as you were that Hayoon’s never ending bubbliness wasn’t around to churn your insides, you knew that now there was close to nothing that could divert Chanyeol’s resentment towards you and your newfound ‘relationship’.

You were glad but also very, very stressed and now Sehun’s hand around your waist felt like a brick pushing against your ribcage, unabling your breathing. The worry induced by the haunted house full of jump scares was now hiding at the very back of your mind.

Everything went dark as you stepped inside and Sehun grabbed your hand tightly as the other two walked behind you. You really wondered if there was the need to hold hands even when no one could see but you let it slip because you’d definitely need something to hold onto to get through the whole thing without crying.

You wanted to burst out laughing when you heard the three men screeching at one woman in a white bloody dress that jumped from your right. Sehun’s grasp on your hand was so tight you were afraid he might break your bones in tiny little pieces.

If you would’ve been by yourself or with the company of your best friend, the story would’ve taken a 180 degree turn, but seeing –or rather, hearing– the three giant men around you being scared to death, made you forget about your surroundings and your worries altogether.

At one point, some beheaded, creepy looking dolls fell from the ceiling as some hands were aiming to grab your ankles, cold as ice when they managed to touch your skin. You would be lying if you said that that one didn’t startle you but what startled you the most was feeling someone jumping onto your back, holding you tight between their arms and weeping close to your ear.

It was your turn to squeeze Sehun’s hand but then you realized, the person holding onto you wasn’t an actor trying to scare you or make you run for your life but rather Chanyeol, almost crying and hugging you so tightly, you thought he was preventing you from falling apart. This, though, was the moment in your life where you felt like you were broken beyond repair and not even his scared yet tight, warm embrace could mend you.

“I’m sorry, I just… I need to hold onto something… Someone”. Chanyeol wept, his arms wrapping around your shoulders. Your eyes widened and you felt your hands starting to sweat. Great, just great. Poor Sehun had to deal with your clammy hands now, as well.

“It’s fine, Chanyeol”. You mumbled, trying hard not to move your head because if you did you might as well brush your lips to his cheek and that was something you were entirely not prepared to do.

You had to take deep breaths and swallow before looking up at Sehun, he was ignoring you, apparently, but his jaw was tensed anyways, so tense you could see it even with the dim lighting. You assumed it was because he was trying really hard not to show how truly terrified he was so you didn’t give it much thought but still made a mental note to tease him about it afterwards anyways.

You knew the end of the haunted house was coming to an end when the scary noises started to fade away and a long, empty hallway full of fog and blinking lights appeared before you.

“Before I let you go, you need to tell me something…” Chanyeol mumbled with a raspy voice, making you shiver. “Why are you and Sehun together if the only thing you do is fight?”

If it weren’t for the fact that you were still breathing and functioning, even if it was in a questionable manner, you would’ve assured that you heart had stopped working right then and there because you didn’t feel its beat anymore. The space in your chest felt hollow yet heavy somehow.

“Sehun is…” You whispered, trying to not speak so loud because you’d feel incredibly embarrassed if he heard you say what you were about to say, regardless of if it was a lie or not. “As annoying as he is, he always has my back, it doesn’t matter what for; he’s there whenever I need him. In his own twisted way he always tries to make me smile and forget about my problems… I guess you could say he completes me… Sort of”.

Even if it was dark and no one really could tell what was going on, you felt your cheeks heating up and you were unsure if it was due to the close proximity with Chanyeol or if it was because of the words you had just spoken, which in all honesty, you didn’t really know where they had come from or if they were truly honest. You felt them coming out so effortlessly that you were starting to doubt your own sanity.

Chanyeol hummed, finally letting you go and slightly pushing you to Sehun’s side, who looked at you with raised eyebrows as you offered him the most innocent of smiles you could muster at the moment.

“Scared much?” He asked, holding back a laugh. You rolled your eyes at him, smile long forgotten.

“You have no idea”. You sighed, breaking eye contact as you walked closely behind him towards the exit. The reality of it all hit you as hard as the cold wind outside, making you shiver.

You weren’t sure before, and you still weren’t a hundred percent sure if your suspicions where correct but something about Chanyeol’s behavior hinted at the slow burning success of your messy plan with Sehun. You could feel it bubbling up at the pit of your stomach but, again, you didn’t want to get your hopes up.

“Well, that was truly something”. Jongin huffed, running a hand through his now messy dark locks and you smiled because you remembered how distraught he sounded just a couple minutes ago, begging for his life and praying to God that he’d let him live, all while laughing nervously.

“It was, huh?” Sehun said, looking down at you and tugging you to his side again so he could cover you up from the freezing breeze. His tone sounded reproachful and you knew he was probably, indirectly, accusing you of something you had done in there but you had no idea because you had been too preoccupied with Chanyeol’s glooming presence for at least half of the creepy tour.

Sehun started teasing Jongin, earning a few shoves that shook not only the man in question but you as well, since you were attached to his side. Slowly but surely Chanyeol started laughing as well and you sighed in relief, smiling widely. That moment lasted a blissful couple of minutes since you heard a squealing voice coming your way, a voice you unfortunately recognized, even if you had only heard it once before. Sehun tensed up at your side, digging his fingers to your side, only confirming your suspicions.

“What a great coincidence finding you in here! It’s been so long since I’ve seen you all!” You saw Sunhee skipping towards you, leaving a giggling group of friends behind. She blinded you, mainly because of her fake cheerfulness and bright colored clothing but she also blinded you because you wanted to punch her and your mind could only focus on that, marking her as your target. Apparently your hateful feelings were the only thing strong enough as to distract you from Chanyeol and his presence.

“Hey, Sunhee… Hey…” Jongin stammered, with raised eyebrows as he scanned Sehun’s expression and yours as well. Poor Jongin, you thought, again. “It’s been a while, huh”. His nervous, uncomfortable smile only made the fire consuming your insides burn with even more intensity. You hated when people disturbed a nice peaceful atmosphere, especially when it had taken an eternity to get there and especially if that someone was Sunhee.

You weren’t jealous. At least you didn’t think you were, you just really wanted to kick her out of there as soon as possible because you felt like Sehun was going to combust at any given second. You looked up at him, his eyes were fixated on her figure and he nibbled on his top lip, probably trying to calm himself down.

“Yes! We should hang out more, we all go to the same university, anyways, right Sehunnie?” She smiled her fake smile, squinting her eyes, forcing wrinkles to appear around her orbs.

“No, thank you, I’m fine like this”. Sehun mumbled, giving you a squeeze. If the scenario would’ve been different, if he had done this just to get on your nerves or to tease Chanyeol’s questionable behavior, you would’ve yelled at him or at least pinched him back but you didn’t because you knew he was trying to stay sane. At least as sane as he could be at that very moment.

“Oh, don’t be like that”. She giggled, giving him a playful slap on his arm. You were fuming now, so much that you could feel your lip and one eye starting to twitch. “I’m sure your girl toy here wouldn’t mind, right?” She turned to look at you with raised eyebrows and lips pursed into a challenging smile that you hoped to God you weren’t the only one seeing.

You could feel many sets of eyes on you. Chanyeol’s were the most piercing of them all, of course, but at the moment you just really wanted to sprint and smack her so hard she would fly to Mars and never return.

“She’s my girlfriend. Out of respect for her, for myself and everyone here you should leave, Sunhee”. Sehun mumbled through gritted teeth, slowly but surely pushing you behind him. He could probably feel you were getting ready to jump at her jugular if she didn’t leave but you weren’t sure. Maybe his logic was different than yours.

“Okay, okay. But have you told your _girlfriend_ that you only want her for sex and you’ll throw her away in just a week or two like you did with everyone after me?” Jongin’s eyes widened as he took a hand to cover his mouth, clearly shocked. Chanyeol shook his head with pursed lips as he tried to look anywhere but to the three of you.

You were sure that if you opened your mouth a mixture of a growl and a snarl would’ve come out of it. It’s not like you were animalistic, almost beast-like, when angry but you really disliked people who thought they were better than anyone else and you disliked this woman even more so. Even more than Hayoon because Hayoon was nice, sickly nice but nice nonetheless, Hayoon didn’t make bitchy comments, or tried to diminish you at any chance she got; Hayoon was probably too innocent for that and even if Hayoon wasn’t the owner of your affections, she definitely held a better spot than Sunhee, who clearly had some superiority complex going on.

“I don’t need to tell her anything because she’s here to stay, Sunhee, so just leave on your own before someone forces you to”. Sehun sighed, closing his eyes, taking your hand and intertwining your fingers. Whether he was doing that to calm himself down or calm you down, you weren’t sure, but you were glad he did it.

Sunhee, scoffed, making her way back to her friends, who were still annoyingly giggling, and bumping your shoulder on the way. You felt the fire finally taking over your entire being and you turned around on your heels as quickly as you could. Yes, you were far-gone now, so far gone you didn’t even get whiplash.

Sehun held you back by your hand and grabbing you by the waist with his free one as Chanyeol just pressed his hand to your right shoulder.

You never thought they’d consider you the kind of person to be physically dangerous when angry, yet here you were, being held back by them as the red tint clouding vision faded away at a snail’s pace.

“Jesus…” Jongin sighed, as you walked to the parking lot. “I’ve never seen you this angry, remind me not to upset you ever again”. Jongin chuckled, patting your head as if you were a dog. You scoffed, what was it about this group of men that kept treating you like a puppy of sorts?

“Out of everyone here, you’re probably the least likely to upset me. Ever”. You mumbled. Sehun tugged you one more time, questioning you silently with his pursed eyebrows and a pout. “And out of everyone you’re most likely to do it. In fact, I should give you a medal, so don’t even look at me like that”. You scoffed. You felt your heart skipping a beat but you quickly connected it to the fact that you were still trying to appease your boiling anger from just a couple minutes ago.

“I was going to suggest we’d go out to grab something to eat but I guess we can have a rain check”. Chanyeol mumbled, taking out the keys of his car and setting his eyes on you. Anxiety took over you, realizing you indirectly admitted Chanyeol annoying you.

As much as you’d like to have dinner with him, you knew it wasn’t a good idea. First, because you needed to calm down completely before being forced into another social situation and second because you were still a tad bit confused with Chanyeol’s sudden display of affection and the implication that it could’ve had.

“Yeah, I’ll see you in a bit, she needs to get home and relax”. Sehun said with a calm voice, and you wondered how could he sound so unaffected even after everything.

Jongin hugged you before hopping onto Chanyeol’s car, who only smiled sadly –or you assumed it was sadly– at you before following Jongin inside the car and driving away.

The ride back home was silent. A part of you always thought that you always should appreciate and embrace the silence when it came to being with Sehun but now, what you hated the most while being with him wasn’t the constant teasing or the bad jokes, it was the silence.

You wanted him to say anything, even if it was the most absurd of comments, because that meant he was feeling okay, because as much as you were furious over Sunhee and her venomous remarks, you knew he definitely had it worse, he was just way better at hiding it. The only sound that met your ears was that of the pouring rain hitting the car in every existing angle and the purring sound of the engine.

You took a deep breath before speaking up because you hated starting conversations but not as much as you hated him not talking.

“Are you okay?” You mumbled, trying to sound casual but what a dumb question. Your brain really did shut down completely under stressful situations, didn’t it? You tugged at your sleeves and played with the hems, trying to distract yourself.

“The question here is: are _you_ okay? I wasn’t the one who was about to jump and slit her throat now was I?” He replied, voice steady, eyes still on the road –thankfully–; you scoffed and crossed your legs, trying to not seem like you were shaking for two main reasons: the cold weather and your anxiety. What an amazing combination.

“Ah… Well, she gets on my nerves; you can’t blame me. You’re too collected around her”. You huffed, eyes still fixed on his side profile, which you haven’t noticed before but it was quite impressive; serene even when he should’ve been yelling profanities.

“She solely thrives on getting under people’s skin. If I show how I’m truly feeling, she will think she’s ready to conquer the world and that’s something no one needs”. Sehun scoffed, making you smile at the hint of playfulness that escaped him. “But there’s no reason for you to get so worked up, she doesn’t truly know you; just don’t mind her and pretend she’s just one of those recording toys who have no mind of their own and repeat whatever anyone says”.

You smiled as you felt his mood gradually improving.

“Well, I could say the same to you. It’s not nice to see you all upset, especially when you’re digging your fingers on my side, probably leaving a bruise or two behind”. You said, mocking annoyance as you finally peeled your eyes away from him and stared at the road in front of you.

Sehun chuckled but didn’t reply and you were fine with that now because at least the tension was gone and that was better than you expected. You felt okay. You smiled.

“You don’t have to walk me up, you’ll get even more wet. I won’t get lost”. You complained once the car was stopped outside your building, seeing as Sehun was unbuckling his seatbelt and taking the key out of the ignition.

But you words weren’t heard and he followed you under the heavy rain until you were inside the small lobby.

“No but knowing you, you’ll slip on the wet floor, fall and probably hurt your head or something moronic like that”. He chuckled, walking slowly behind you. You scoffed, ignoring his unnecessary explanation. Silence fell upon the two of you once more and even if it was for the briefest of moments, for you, it felt like an eternity.

“So, it’s working huh?” Sehun spoke up right before you pressed the elevator button. You paused your actions for a split second before letting your hand fall and looked at him with a frown. “With Chanyeol, I mean. I saw him hugging you when he was scared and I also noticed the way he scowls whenever I say you’re my girlfriend or anyone mentions the relationship for that matter. It’s working”. Sehun explained with raised eyebrows and lips pursed into a discrete smile.

You let out a nervous laugh, pushing your wet hair away from your face. You weren’t sure if the blush creeping to your cheeks was because your limbs were starting to freeze over or because his words disrupted your calm state of mind, but a blush was there now and there was no way you could hide it from him. Apparently there was nothing that you could hide from him, whether it was your physiological reaction to the embarrassment or the fact that his giant friend had wrapped himself around you back in the haunted house.

“I guess so”. You said, trembling, trying to mask your confusion with yet another nervous cackle. Sehun’s eyes were piercing right through yours, as if he was looking for something in there, you weren’t sure why he was acting like that but it made your stomach churn.

“Thank you, though”. He smiled discretely and you didn’t understand what he meant. You hadn’t done anything that deserved those words from him, or you didn’t think you had. “For helping me with Sunhee, I don’t know why you do it but thank you”.

You scoffed. Pushing his shoulder as lightly as you could. He flashed a crooked, sly smirk.

“I don’t really know either and the world might end the very second these words leave my mouth but I kind of care about you Sehun, it’s not nice to see you all upset and bothered by someone who doesn’t deserve it. You’re my friend and you deserve better than that, even if you’re a bit of a scumbag sometimes”. You saw Sehun’s eyes glisten a little bit before he looked down at his feet and scoffed, you assumed it was just because of the reflection of all the bright lights around you, hitting his face in weird angles; you wanted to believe that was the reason and nothing else.

You couldn’t handle something that was more than that.

“You care about me? Never thought you’d be such a great liar”. He said, playfully shoving you back, just like you had done to him. You rolled your eyes, smile still on your face.

“Of course… But brag about it and you’ll be right back onto my list of nasty people I want to kill and you’ll even battle Sunhee for the first spot”. He laughed loudly, looking at you again. “Now get going or you’ll get sick”.

Sehun pursed his lips into a thin smile as he nodded his head, suddenly engulfing you into a tight hug that almost knocked the air out of your lungs. The embrace lasted barely a couple seconds but it was enough to make you dizzy and question everything around you.

Sehun was warm, warmer than you’d expect, especially because you both were soaking wet. Sehun felt warm, wrapping you in his arms and for an insane moment you felt his heartbeat against your chest and you felt warmer, forgetting that your drenched clothes were probably forming a puddle beneath you and you wondered how a person with such a cold exterior could feel so warm.

Once he let you go, you looked at him with wide eyes, an expression he so blatantly ignored as you saw him sprint to the front door and into his car. You pressed the elevator button furiously, internally yelling at yourself.

At this moment you were your least favorite person and you didn’t even hate Sunhee as much as you hated yourself. It was so stupidly easy to get you worked up and you groaned because of it.

Your front door slammed behind you. You ran straight to your bathroom to take a proper, hot shower that could relax your muscles and clear your mind. You wanted everything to be magically solved but you couldn’t wish for that if you didn’t know what end result you wanted in the first place.

You felt a spark of happiness when Sehun mentioned the plan working because that meant you were not crazy hopeful, reading and re-reading each and every single one of Chanyeol’s actions. You knew that look on Chanyeol’s face meant _something_ , you knew his recent dry behavior had more implications that just a ‘bad mood’, you knew that and yet you didn’t want to overanalyze it because it would all turn against you in the end.

You’d like to think you were realistic rather than pessimistic.

But it was Sehun speaking and not just your crazy suspicions. Sehun who had been friends with Chanyeol for years and years, Sehun who knew every one of Chanyeol’s stories and Sehun who was not only his lifelong friend but also his roommate. Sehun probably knew Chanyeol as well as he knew the palms of his hands and it was the same Sehun who was telling you that Chanyeol was jealous.

But the spark of happiness that came hand in hand with the possibility of Chanyeol liking you, quickly dissipated because life wasn’t as simple. Life was complicated and apparently you had a thing for complicating things even more.

As happy as you were that Chanyeol might’ve been developing more than friendly feelings towards you, you couldn’t help your mind from exploring the different paths; the different _what ifs_ that came along with that.

How much of a miserable person did you have to be to feel happy over breaking a perfectly good relationship? Did it really mean more for you to have Chanyeol for yourself than his already existing happiness? Why did you have to mess with someone else’s feelings to have it your way? And not only Chanyeol’s feelings but also Hayoon’s? Were you really this petty to hurt someone that did nothing wrong other than being in a relationship with the man you had a huge crush on? Were you going to tramp over anyone’s feelings just to get what you wanted?

Not even the boiling water hitting and burning your skin could help you relax.

You loved the idea of him possibly feeling something for you but you also hated the happiness that it brought you, that happiness was tainted. You hated being selfish yet you felt exhilarated because of it.

And then there was Sehun.

Oh Sehun, Chanyeol’s best friend who was now your boyfriend, fake boyfriend. Sehun who had came up with this plan in a spur of the moment, basing it solely on revenge. Sehun was probably as petty as you but somewhere along the way, annoying Sehun had become your friend Sehun and then friend Sehun had become your confidant Sehun and then all of that morphed into just… Oh Sehun, a man that you now cared so much about as to risk everything for and be willing to kill someone who dared upset him.

You didn’t know before but now you realized you’d pretty much do anything to calm him down and keep him with a good mindset. Whatever it was, Sehun had your back and you reciprocated the feeling, even if he probably wasn’t aware. Sehun bought you food and let you stand under his wing to hide yourself from the cold and the rain and now Sehun was… well, as much as you hated to admit it, Sehun was growing on you.

The water kept burning on your skin and you scrubbed at it so furiously that it was starting to sting. You were trying to scrub away the bits of yourself that you didn’t like; the selfish parts of you, you were also trying to scrub away your doubts and your self-hatred but it was useless and now you were as tired as you had felt and you wanted to punch something to let all of your frustrations out but at the same time you just wanted to lay on your bed and never move a single muscle again.

-

The scribbles on the edge of your page made more sense than any of the words spoken by your professor. Everything made more sense than whatever he was saying yet nothing made sense in your life. You didn’t think. The only logical thought that you had managed to push out of your brain was the one that made you record the lesson instead of taking actual notes because, even in your delusional state, you knew you’d need this later on.

Long weekends were meant to grant extra resting and relaxing time to anyone who needed it, yet here you were with enormous bags under your eyes, even with two coats of concealer trying to hide them from the world.

Today you didn’t feel like being around people and you hated the responsible part of you that forced you out of bed to come to your lectures but you were grateful that for most of the day, you didn’t share any classes with your group of friends. You didn’t want them to see you and ask you what was wrong because you didn’t know what you were supposed to tell them.

Nothing was really wrong yet everything felt wrong. And oh, how you hated gut feelings.

Your feet dragged you to the coffee shop as if in autopilot. Earphones blasting music at full volume to drown out the chatter in the hallways and on the streets, you didn’t want to hear anyone’s conversations today, you didn’t need someone else’s drama in your life because you had gigantic amounts of that on your own.

As you reached out your hand to pull the coffee shop’s door open, you felt someone else’s already doing that. You widened your eyes, incredibly embarrassed and you pursed your lips, ready to apologize to a random stranger but luckily –or maybe not, you weren’t really sure– it wasn’t a stranger at all.

You took one earphone out, tugging your hands into the pockets of your hoodie. “Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention”. You clenched and unclenched your fists rhythmically, trying to relax at least a little bit.

“I noticed that but it’s fine. Go ahead, ladies first”. Chanyeol smiled down at you, signaling for you to go in with a hand as he held the door open with the other one. You waited for him to step in before going to order. You felt awkward beyond belief and you wondered if it was humanly possible to be this anxious.

But this was a different type of anxiety, it wasn’t the anxiety that made your heart explode and your stomach go crazy with butterflies and your cheeks blush at the tiniest of movements. This was the type of anxiety that made you not want to be around him because you still felt guilty over everything, you felt horrible for putting him into such a horrible position without his knowledge, let alone without his consent. You wanted to apologize profusely but then again, what good could that do?

“Hey man, I got you!” The barista said cheerfully as soon as you and Chanyeol stepped closer to the cashier to place your orders. You weren’t surprised at the fact that he already knew yours and everyone’s orders. You came here so often that you were convinced they should have your picture up on the wall by now.

“Here”. You mumbled as you handed Chanyeol your card, shyly, which he obviously denied.

“Let me at least buy you coffee, it’s not like the world’s going to end if I buy you a cup of coffee”. You frowned at his words. Yes, you had more issues processing the information today but even so, that sounded weirder than it should’ve. “Sehun’s not going to get mad if I buy his girlfriend some coffee so just put your card away, it’s making me upset”.

You scoffed, shaking your head in disbelief as you shoved your card back into your wallet forcefully.

You stared up at the huge handwritten menu hanging on the wall behind the counter, mainly because you didn’t want to make eye contact with Chanyeol, who you could feel staring at you intently. You didn’t want to make eye contact because you weren’t sure what reaction that was going to ignite within you. Were you going to feel happy? Were you going to feel even more disgusted at yourself? Were you going to find something in his eyes that would make everything more complicated than it already was? You didn’t know and you didn’t want to find out.

Silence was suffocating you and you knew it was suffocating Chanyeol as well because he was one of those people that loved talking all the time, about anything and everything. He was a happy person and that translated onto the amount of words that left his mouth. So, when it came to Chanyeol, silence was disturbing, to say the least.

“Here’s your drink and here’s your girlfriend’s, have a nice day”. For a split second your heart hurt by the mere fact that you thought Chanyeol had ordered Hayoon’s drink in advance, without you noticing, and then the following instant you wanted to combust when you realized it was your favorite drink being placed at the end of the counter and not Hayoon’s, you wanted to explode because the barista was stupid enough as to think you and Chanyeol were a thing.

You waited for Chanyeol to say something, anything would’ve sufficed but when he just smiled, nodded and turned around grabbing the two cups and handed one to you, you wanted to smack his head but also kiss him at the same time.

You basically snapped the white cup from his grip.

“Yeah, thanks and everything but I’m not your girlfriend”. You mumbled, shooting him daggers with your eyes. As much as you’d love the idea of being called his girlfriend, you were very much aware that you weren’t and above all, you didn’t want to stir rumors.

“Is Sehun going to be mad if he hears someone called you my girlfriend?” Chanyeol chuckled and you just rolled your eyes, smacking his elbow with your hand as he went to take a sip, causing him to miss and spill his hot beverage around. “It’s no big deal, everyone except that clueless barista knows who’s who”.

As much as you hated to admit it, –you hated it because it hurt, mainly, not because the idea disgusted you, it was actually the exact opposite– he was right but, still, you didn’t want to start a stupid feud with Hayoon over the ignorance of a, pretty much, mindless barista and also, you didn’t want your foolish, dreamy smile to blow up your façade. You were still Sehun’s girlfriend.

It was funny, how you were so against starting an animosity between you and Hayoon when you were basically trying to steal her boyfriend. You wanted to punch yourself in the gut or run onto the middle of the street, hoping a car would hit you and end with this series of stupid, poor decisions that you called life.

You walked next to him with lips pursed into a small smile because you wanted to hide how uneasy you were feeling.

“About yesterday…” Chanyeol mumbled out of nowhere, making you widen your eyes and gulp down practically half of your beverage in just one go. “I’m sorry if I startled you with my actions… I’m not really good at handling scary scenarios”.

You looked up at Chanyeol, finally setting eyes on his face. Funny, you thought, how he also had dark circles and bags under his eyes and yet he still looked breathtaking.

“Don’t stress over it”. You pursed a smile when he looked at you, eyes shining as they usually did, the way it usually took your breath away. You felt the Chanyeol warmth, as you called it now, embracing you for the first time in over fifteen minutes.

But his happy, warm expression didn’t last long, as you took a seat on the ‘designated bench’, a frown took over his expression and, immediately, your mood changed as well.

“Maybe you could force Sehun into going to the doctor, he’s not listening to me and I don’t think it’s the kind of cold that will just go away in a couple days”. Chanyeol looked down at you again, mood completely shifted now. You sipped on your beverage again.

You hated finding out things this way. You remembered telling Sehun he was going to get sick, yet his stubborn ass didn’t listen to you and followed you out, getting completely soaked and now you were finding out he was sick through Chanyeol. He hadn’t even texted you to induce any sort of half-hearted guilt like he normally would and that probably meant he was, indeed, feeling pretty bad.

“Ah… yes, I will talk to him”. You basically spit out. The gears in your head started to spin rapidly, already tying to generate a text message that could reflect your upset state and threaten him a little bit but at the same time you didn’t want to make it seem like you were truly concerned about him because you weren’t, really. You just were a germophobic, that was it.

After a couple minutes of silence, one that felt just a tad bit awkward and not completely uncomfortable like before, the sound of Chanyeol’s voice made you raise your eyebrows as you looked up at him with a smile creeping on to your face, something unavoidable, apparently, even when you felt so confused and generally exhausted.

“Is it safe to say that I’m disappointed but not surprised that you two are a thing now?” His question made you let out a dry laugh as you rolled your eyes and looked away from him.

“What makes you say such a thing?” You answered him with yet another question, a great method to use when you didn’t know how to answer a previously made question, or you simply didn’t want to.

Your eyes were fixated on a child playing with his dog at the park, far away from where you sat yet not. The sight made you happy yet sad at the same time and you hoped that kid’s life wouldn’t turn out as complicated as yours’ and your friends’. You wished the best for that stranger kid.

You could feel Chanyeol looking down at you, almost burning a whole through your cheek with the intensity of his glare. You hated the fact that his stare could be so sweet and so intense at the same time. You hated the fact that you could pinpoint the emotions irradiating from him by just sitting next to him. You hated the fact that you understood him so well yet not at the same time.

You just hated how Chanyeol made you feel. Period.

“Well… just… I always told Sehun what a great catch you were, how amazing you were to have around and how anyone could fall for you in the blink of an eye. Sehun never replied to those comments with something other than ‘ _I guess so_ ’, never really occurred to me that I had to read between the lines of his answers”. You stifled a scoff, looking at him through the corner of your eye.

Even if his eyes were fixed on you, he was fidgeting with the coffee cup between his hands, running his index finger over the circumference of the white lid and chewing on the inside of his cheek, only enhancing his charming dimple even more so.

“Why were you telling him things like that, anyways?” Were you pushing the line? Probably. But that couldn’t stop you now. Your mood was too bad to care about what words left your mouth now.

“Because I mean them”. You crooked your head in his direction, watching him through squinted eyes. You wanted to believe him. A part of you did and that part was ecstatic to hear him admit it, whilst the other was apprehensive because it would break your heart even more so than it already was. Your mouth twitched involuntarily. “I’ve grown attached to you so quickly that it’s sort of freaky but it’s nice. You’re a great person and that’s why I’m a bit scared that you’re with Sehun now because I don’t want to see you hurting…”

As he spoke, he tore his eyes from you, looking down at his hands, still playing with the half empty cup engulfed in them. He nibbled on his bottom lip now and it was your turn to stare. You wanted to figure out where his train of thought was going.

You didn’t really know much about Sehun, apart from the stories you’ve heard before and the constant gushing from the females around campus but besides that, you had nothing; zero knowledge whatsoever. What happened with Sunhee? You had no idea. Were Sunhee’s words true? Was Sehun a playboy after their relationship? Probably, but you weren’t sure and you very much so wanted to find out about that, but you didn’t want to force Sehun to open up about it because he had never forced you to talk about your feelings, he just caught up on them by chance.

“Why would I end up hurting?” You pushed again, turning around just enough to face Chanyeol. Getting information out of Chanyeol was turning out to be much simpler than you were expecting.

“I don’t want to say that what Sunhee said the other day was one hundred percent true because I obviously won’t ever take her side. Sehun is my best friend but… at the same time… She was sort of right…” Chanyeol kept talking, sparing glances at you from time to time and he sighed when he locked eyes with you and you raised your eyebrows at him, signaling him to go on. “Ah, don’t look at me like that”. He complained while a small, shy smile took over his plump lips.

“Did he sleep around?” You asked, he nodded slowly. “Has he been sleeping around lately?” You asked again, Chanyeol didn’t move.

“Not that I know of, no… I just don’t want him to start doing it again while you two are together. If he hurts you in any way, I will punch him, I promise. It doesn’t matter if he’s my best friend or not, if he hurts you, I will definitely make him pay for that, I promise”. He turned his head to look at you again; his stare was intense, somewhat darker than you had seen before.

Chanyeol was a passionate man and everyone knew it. Chanyeol was passionate about his music, about his friends and family and even about silly games like rock paper scissors. Chanyeol was made out of fifty percent passion, fifty percent softness, which was definitely a weird yet enticing combination.

“You don’t have to punch anyone for me”. You laughed dryly, shaking your head as you tried to break off the eye contact but it was too intense now as to cut it off. It was as if your eyes were glued to one another, as if there was a magnetic field surrounding you two. At that moment Chanyeol was the positive pole and you were the negative one.

“I know but if someone dares hurting you, I will definitely punch that person. Not because I have to but because I would love to”. He smirked, trying to get you to smile as well and you caved, you would always cave when it came to Chanyeol.

You would’ve loved to stay there with him for as long as possible. At that moment there was literally and figuratively nothing between you two. There was no Hayoon in sight, nor mention of said person, there was no Sehun making Chanyeol moody with his comments and actions towards you, there was nothing but Chanyeol and you and you loved it. You were getting drunk on Chanyeol and his warmth and you just wanted to curl up to his side and stay there but your cellphone rang after a few minutes and you groaned.

“Office duty calling?” He asked with pursed lips and glistening eyes. Puppy eyes, if you will. You nodded, putting your phone back in your bag and starting to get up, getting ready to say goodbye to someone you never wanted to leave. “I will walk you, I have no more classes left for today. Wouldn’t want you to go there by yourself, Sehun would probably yell at me if he found out… and if he had the physical strength to do so”. Chanyeol laughed humorlessly and you smiled. You smiled because you could feel his affection and care towards you, you smiled because he was able to make you forget about your burdens, at least for a moment.

You walked in silence for a couple of blocks. You were basking in his presence for as long as you could and him… Well, you didn’t know what he was thinking but you hoped he was doing the same thing.

“I will talk to Sehun, force him to go to the doctor”. You mumbled as you turned around in one corner, getting close to the office’s doors.

“You may have to actually drag him there”. Chanyeol cackled, shaking his head as he stopped right at the entrance. You sighed, looking up at him and trying to memorize every feature of his face, every mole; like the one on the bridge of his nose, and every wrinkle that appeared when he smiled with his eyes.

“I will do that if it’s necessary, don’t worry”. You patted his shoulder, unconsciously caressing the soft fabric of his warm, cozy-looking hoodie. You caught on to what you were doing and immediately retrieved your hand, stuffing it in the confines of your own pockets. Your hands were sweating tremendously.

“I always worry when it comes to you”. Your heart skipped a beat when his words hit your ears and then another one when your mind processed them. Were you imagining things? Were you too far gone now that your brain started to make out things in order to keep you happy? Because if that was the case, it was definitely working wonders.

“I will talk to you later, Chanyeol _by the way_ ”. You snickered, turning around to enter the building, trying really hard to hide the blush that was taking over your cheeks and most definitely your neck and ears as well. You were ridiculous but so was this whole situation.

You noticed him smiling widely at you from the corner of your eye. You groaned again yet you felt happy. His smile made you happy.

-

Your hand was starting to hurt by carrying the heavy bag containing an extremely warm chicken noodle soup, vitamin drinks and some flu medication. You never thought you’d be doing this but here you were anyways, always doing things that you would never, in another life or just simply in the past. You’ve only taken care of two sick people in your life and those were your mother and your best friend.

You dragged your feet until you managed to find Sehun and Chanyeol’s building. Even if it was just a couple of blocks away from your own home, you had never been there and your sense of direction was fairly poor so it had taken you at least fifteen minutes more than necessary.

You huffed, smashing the button for the elevator. There was no chance in hell that you were going to use the stairs. You were annoyed and immensely tired but here you were, bringing a first-aid kit for the kid with the cold.

Thankfully, the door to their apartment was open. At first you were happy, then you thought about it and came to the conclusion that it was careless of them to leave the door unlocked, even if this was a private building in a not-so-dangerous area in town, it was dangerous anyways.

“Come out of your cave, flu boy”. You yelled, hoping that Chanyeol was not around because if he was, he would’ve heard you making a fool of yourself. You shrugged, it was too late now.

There was no answer and you wanted to curse. If you had come all the way here for this place to be empty, you were going to kill someone, for sure. Sehun, you were going to kill Sehun, to be precise, and it didn’t matter if he was feeling like he was dying already.

“I said come out, Oh Sehun. I’ve heard you’re dying and I’ve come to help out with that. I’ll make it quick and painless”. You yelled again, laughing at your own heartless joke. Ah, you were an awful fake girlfriend.

There was no answer again so you sighed, taking off your jacket and shoes and beginning to walk around the spacious place, still holding the plastic bag with your left hand. The ceiling-high windows impressed you and the view impressed you as well. The place wasn’t as fancy as Minseok and Jongin’s but it was more than okay, at least for two college boys.

You stopped pacing around when you heard the faint noise of water running and you assumed he was taking a shower to try and get rid of the symptoms so you just sat on the couch, in between the mess of crumbled up blankets and scattered cushions. Your eye twitched a little but you tried to ignore it.

Chanyeol wasn’t around, apparently. You didn’t want to give it much thought because you would end up making up scenarios of him and Hayoon alone in her house –probably– and the more your mind drifted in that direction the worse you felt as the persistent guilt reappeared at the back of your head again. But even though you felt guilty, you remembered his words from before and your heart raced.

You were too immersed, replaying your afternoon, to notice a figure standing a few steps away from you, until he spoke up.

“What are you doing here?” You looked up with eyes as wide as plates, undeniably startled. Sehun’s usually raspy voice was even raspier now, due to what you assumed was a sore throat and a very stuffed nose. His eyes were barely open and his nose visibly redder than usual and yet there he was, standing shirtless with a towel draped over his shoulders.

It was comical, how you two greeted with harsh questions instead of the normal ‘hello, how are you?’.

“Jesus Christ, aren’t you supposed to be sick as hell?” You blinked furiously and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t stop breathing for a split second when you noticed his slim yet notoriously toned naked torso. “Cover up”. You basically jumped from the couch to lay down your first-aid kid on the kitchen counter, trying to erase the image from your already cluttered mind.

“Why? Am I distracting you?” Even when he was sick, his cocky nature didn’t falter. You huffed, eyes still glued to the container with the hot soup.

“You wish”. You huffed as you passed by him to find a bowl in their messy cupboards. Yes, he was right, unfortunately, but you weren’t about to admit that to him. “Now put on a shirt before your cold gets worse than it already is and this time, for God’s sake, listen to what I’m telling you”.

You heard him snicker and shuffle away but you were too preoccupied, trying to calm yourself down to pay attention to whatever he was doing. This was confusing and unnerving to say the least.

You didn’t foresee having this reaction to seeing Sehun’s shirtless but here you were, unnecessarily sticking your face into a cupboard in search for a bowl that was clearly right in front of you. You wanted to attribute your nervousness to the fact that he had caught you off guard, daydreaming about another man, you wanted to force yourself to believe that was it, however, a part of you knew that was not it.

You hated that other part of your head that was, unfortunately, always right.

You bit your lip, scratching the back of your head with one hand as you poured the soup onto the bowl with the other one. After a few minutes, you were finally feeling as if your heart rate was going back to normal but alas, Sehun reappeared behind you, dangerously close to the back of your head, his warm breath tickling your ear.

“You didn’t answer my question before, though”. He said before clearing his throat. You had to take another deep breath to regain your composure before turning around. He was still excruciatingly close to you, yet you didn’t have it in you to push him away so you just stood there, staring at him with only a bowl of chicken noodle soup between you and his self, wrapped up in a black blanket.

“Chanyeol said you were sick and stubborn about it, so he asked me to force you to come to your senses and go see a freaking doctor”. You explained, trying really hard to speak with a steady voice, as you raised your eyebrows at him.

“So you came here because Chanyeol asked you to?” Sehun squinted his eyes at you and you nodded. Yes, that was basically it. If it weren’t for Chanyeol you wouldn’t even know he was sick. Sehun scoffed, turning on his heals and walking over the couch before plumping down onto it.

His change in demeanor took you by surprise; you didn’t know sick Sehun could be grumpier than he normally was.

You followed him and took a seat next to him, handing him the soup with lips pursed into a smile, trying to get him to eat it. He coughed furiously before looking at you with piercing eyes, you felt a shiver running up and down your spine. Offering food was somehow of a peace offering between you two but this time, it didn’t seem to work as he just sat there emanating anger all over the place.

“If you just came here because your beloved Chanyeol asked you to, then I don’t want to eat that”. He scoffed, wrapping himself even further into the blanket and partially hiding his face in it, you couldn’t help but laugh at his childish behavior.

“Just eat the damn soup, it will make you feel better, at least healthy enough to get you to see a doctor”. You extended your arm once more, blowing some steam in his direction. He looked at you from the corner of his eye.

“I don’t want it, I’m fine”. Sehun mumbled in between coughs and a stuffed nose.

You sat there for a few more minutes, your arm starting to hurt by holding up the bowl in front of him. You felt him staring at you again so you met eyes with him and raised both your eyebrows, as if saying ‘well, what are you waiting for?’ but he didn’t move, not even a centimeter.

“I just don’t want you to die due to a stupid cold that you caught for not listening to me, please eat it and take the vitamins that I brought you as well”. Were you begging him to eat it? No. Did it sound like you were worried beyond belief and were begging him to let you take care of him? Probably, but at this point… Well, it was basically what you were doing.

Sehun squinted his eyes at you once more but he took his arms from under the blanket and grabbed the bowl. You smiled before standing up to prepare a cup of tea and grab the vitamins.

“You’re worse than a kid”. You mumbled as you came back to sit next to him, watching him slurp the soup. He hummed something unintelligible as you put the cup of tea and the vitamins on the coffee table in front of you. You propped your arm on the backrest of the couch, resting your head on the palm of your hand as you mindlessly waited for him to finish the whole thing.

You had never seen him as concentrated on something as he was on eating the soup that he rejected so fervently at first. You smirked and just waited.

Now that you had accepted the fact that you cared about Sehun, it was easier for you to be around him, sort of. If the situation were to be different you would definitely not be there, sitting on his couch so calmly but it was okay, it was just like taking care of your sick best friend, the only difference was that he was a man who made you slightly nervous due to his shirtlessness. But that was it, no big deal.

Sehun sighed in relief, letting his head fall back with eyes closed as he breathed in through his mouth. You smirked again, feeling a strange type of comfort by seeing him feeling better, his cheeks regained a rosy tint and his lips twitched onto an almost imperceptible smile as the bowl rested between his hands over his lap.

You could be a flu nurse, if that was even a thing and of course, if that meant all you had to do was buy a chicken noodle soup and feed it to the patient. Yes, you would be great at that.

You were extending your hand to take the bowl away from him but he swat your hand away as he leaned over and put it on the coffee table himself, probably silently scolding you for thinking he was disabled or something of the sort but you didn’t say anything, you just let him be.

As he leaned over, though, the blanket started slipping down and you wanted to hold it in place, that was until you noticed he still had no shirt on and all the blood in your veins rushed to your face in a matter of milliseconds. He gave it no importance as he laid back onto the couch, shirtless and holding a cup of steaming hot tea close to his face.

You gulped, trying not to pay much attention to his naked torso as you looked up at the ceiling as if it was the most mesmerizing of things. You could sense his smirk even when you weren’t looking at him. Stupid Oh Sehun and stupid hormones of a deprived woman. You hated yourself and pretty much everything once more.

“You can look, I won’t charge you but that’s only because you have privileges”. Sehun cackled with a hoarse voice. You snuck a glance; terrible idea, might you add, because you felt like your heart and lungs were about to give out. Stupid Sehun, you kept repeating, stupid cocky Sehun with his stupid flu and stupid decision you made of coming here. You were stupid and far too hormonal. Yes, hormones were the reason you were having this reaction when seeing a half naked man, it had to be the hormones.

“Shut up, Sehun”. You spit, clearing your throat before looking away again.

“Did you come here in hopes of Chanyeol seeing how much of a kind-hearted and caring person you are? Because he’s not here, sorry to burst your bubble”. Sehun scoffed out of nowhere, you took a deep breath before looking back at him, trying really hard not to be distracted by his bare chest and abdomen.

“I came here because Chanyeol told me you were sick, that’s it. If you would’ve told me you were sick, I would’ve come anyways; Chanyeol being present or not”. You snarled, rolling your eyes at him.

“Why?” He pushed. You wondered if this was how Chanyeol felt this afternoon when you kept pushing for information. If that was the case, you were starting to feel incredibly sorry towards him.

“I told you, didn’t I? That I actually care about you?” You could see a hint of a smirk tugging at the corner of Sehun’s mouth and you wanted to ignore it. You wanted to ignore Sehun as a whole but when he was right in front of you, basically invading your personal space, it was rather difficult to do so. “Don’t make me repeat it”. You threatened even though it was the weakest threaten to ever be made in the history of mankind.

“But I like hearing it”. Sehun complained, crooking his head to the side and blinking rapidly, trying to win you over with his lame excuse of a cute face. You blatantly ignored him, looking away as you tried to bring your breathing back to a reasonable speed.

Sehun was making things more complicated than they already were and that was saying a lot. As if being in a fake relationship in front of others wasn’t complicated enough. You gulped, squeezing your eyes shut as you mustered the strength to speak up again.

“Let’s get you to sleep before I leave. And finish your damn tea”. You threatened him again with pursed lips as you stood up and offered a hand for him to take, which he immediately did. You took yet another deep breath as his hand engulfed yours, which felt incredibly small now.

“Yes, ma’am” Sehun chuckled, trailing behind you even when you had no idea where his bedroom was.

“Stop that”. You groaned, turning to look at him, still blushing at the sight. You hated everything but, mainly, you hated yourself.

“Why? You like it? Do I sense a kink?” Sehun laughed but as he did so, a coughing fit took over him, almost making him choke. You ignored him but smiled because karma was lovely when it acted so quickly.

Sehun let go of your hand, pushing a door open and you frowned due to the absence of the warmth provided by him, nevertheless, you also frowned because you didn’t want to feel that way. You only felt that way with Chanyeol.

Sehun flopped down on his bed, half empty cup still in his hands and he raised a single eyebrow at you as he scanned your figure, still standing by the doorway. He patted the empty space on his bed; you just shook your head.

“I told you to cover up”. You mumbled through gritted teeth, crossing your arms over your chest and leaning against the doorframe.

“Or what?” Sehun smirked, putting down the cup on his nightstand and leaning against the headboard.

You rolled your eyes, pinching the bridge of your nose with your index and thumb. “Or you’ll get even more sick and I will have to drag you to the hospital which is not something I’m really looking forward to do, if I’m being honest”. You mumbled out, still with eyes shut tight. You heard shuffling but you just assumed he was finally caving in and walking over to get a shirt from somewhere inside the room.

You didn’t open your eyes nor did you look up because acting annoyed gave you a great excuse for you to try and have a serious inner chat with your heart, lungs and –if you were being completely true to yourself–, southern region. The shuffling stopped and you finally looked up, only to find him, still half naked, standing in front of you, almost brushing his red nose with yours.

You gulped.

“The thing is, I don’t think you’re being honest about anything”. He said, voice merely a whisper, your eyebrow shot up and your eyes wandered to look at his lips. You remembered kissing him, even when you got hammered that night; you remembered the kiss so vividly it made you tingle.

“I am”. Your voice was merely a whisper as well, not because you didn’t want to yell at him –which you _did_ want to– but because your anxiety was getting the best of you. You had never been good at handling close proximity with other people.

“Nuh-uh”. He shook his head ever so slightly, smirk firmly planted on his lips and you asked yourself why did you have to remember the kiss just now? Why was he acting like this when there was no one around who needed to be fooled? Why was he making everything harder than it already was? Why were you caving in to him?

You didn’t know why but you were doing it. Slowly but surely, you were caving in to Oh Sehun, so when his plump, surprisingly soft lips crashed against yours, you didn’t step away.

Your eyes fluttered shut when his hand engulfed your jaw and you sighed, as if saying ‘ _okay, you win, I’m weak_ ’, because that was how you were feeling at the moment, but you were too egocentric to admit, especially to Sehun, who would never let you live this down.

You felt a tingling sensation bubbling up inside of you when his other hand found its place on your waist and he pushed you closer to him, still not saying a word, lips firmly attached to yours.

This, you couldn’t blame this on alcohol or on the part of a fake girlfriend that you had taken on. _This_ was just some spur of the moment, a bad mixture of a hormonal rollercoaster and a shirtless, personal-space-invading Sehun. _This_ was just a series of unfortunate events that felt not so unfortunate but more on the pleasing side.

You tangled a hand on the ends of his black hair, making him hum and open his mouth, clashing his tongue against yours. You two were far too gone now and you knew this was a terrible, horrific idea, yet you couldn’t let go.

Sehun tilted his head to the side, granting himself better access to your mouth and you couldn’t help the small, repressed moan that left your lips when he pulled you in even closer to him, your free hand flying to rest at the side of his neck. You felt him smiling against your lips and in the midst of it all; you couldn’t help but roll your eyes at his cocky mannerisms.

He started walking backwards, pulling you along, still attached at the lips, as if separating –even if it was to get some air– would mean everything was going to banish and disappear. You knew it wouldn’t but it just felt like that, at least for the moment you didn’t want that to happen.

The back of his knees hit the edge of the bed and he let himself fall upon it, pulling you along, making you land over him. His hands found the hem of your t-shirt and quickly pulled it over your head. You felt self conscious and wanted to cover up immediately and you didn’t really understand how you could think about that when you were still roaming the inside of Sehun’s throat so fervently and feeling your core burning with the brush of his callous hands against your sides, somehow, there still was a rational part of yourself hidden in there.

He stopped the kiss with a lewd pop, eyes closed as he ran the tips of his fingers over your sides. “Now we’re even”. He smirked as he flipped you over, your back hitting the soft covers of his comfy bed.

You scoffed, still toying with his hair. He leaned down again, brushing his nose against yours before kissing you fervently once more. Your back arched against him the second his hips rested against yours and you were able to feel his semi-hard pressing dangerously close to your own core.

Fuck it, you thought, when you let yourself go and decided to just enjoy. You would deal with the consequences of this decision later on. You were just two friends, a fake couple, if anything, helping each other out, what was the big deal?

Sehun’s lips traveled from your mouth to the sweet spot behind you ear, one you weren’t sure how he knew about but you were glad he did, leaving a wet trail of kisses as he went from your ear to your shoulder and then to your collarbone, making your eyes roll to the back of your head.

“Now I’m going to get sick because of you”. You mumbled in between sighs, entangling your fingers in his hair once more as you crooked your head to the side, giving him all the access he wanted.

“Great, we can suffer together”. You wanted to scoff at him but he shut you up by sneaking a hand under the fabric of your leggings and your panties and started massaging your oversensitive bud. Your breath hitched at the back of your throat.

“Are you this wet just from seeing me shirtless? If I would’ve known I would have this effect on you, I would’ve taken my shirt off way before now”. Sehun teased, whispering in your ear.

“Shut up, Sehun”. You mumbled, eyes still shut tight as your hands traveled over his back, feeling every tensed muscle under your fingertips until you got to the hem of his gray sweatpants, yanking them down unceremoniously.

He chuckled as he nibbled on your left earlobe but he didn’t say anything. He continued drawing circles over your clitoris, making you shiver, which he noticed, of course. You sneaked a hand to his shaft, moving as slowly as you could. If he was going to tease you, then so could you, because two could play the same game.

You grazed your fingers over his hardening member, barely touching him, which elicited a deep groan from him. Carefully, you brushed a nail against his reddening head, making his jaw drop and stop his nibbling on your neck. As in revenge, he inserted a digit into your core, making you moan slightly louder than before.

“No teasing, anymore”. Sehun said, breathlessly, looking straight into your eyes as he started pumping his finger in and out of you, curling it just enough as to hit that spot at the very back of your vagina.

“Fine by me”. You licked your lips, finally getting a firm grip of his shaft and starting pumping it slowly and then increasing the speed as you spread his precum over him as lube.

He closed his eyes, lips parted before he kissed you again, hungrier than before and you’d be lying if you said it didn’t feel good. Sehun knew what he was doing but it still surprised you when he finally yanked your bottoms and threw them somewhere behind him as he inserted another finger and you were starting to see stars.

As his pace started to increase constantly, so did yours, back arching so much you were afraid you might sprain it but you didn’t care because it felt so good. Sehun’s jaw dropped again, interrupting the kiss and got a hold of your wrist, taking your hand away from his throbbing cock, slowly retrieving his fingers from inside you. You whined at the loss of contact, making him smirk in pride.

“I won’t cum in your hand, if that’s okay with you”. He crooked an eyebrow, unwillingly making you laugh with his words.

“Just hurry up” You managed to say, still smiling as he rolled over to take a condom out of his drawer, expertly opening it and placing it over him in just a couple seconds. It didn’t even give you enough time to move. Before you knew it, he was back on top of you, taking your right leg and putting it over his hip as he aligned his length to your, now dripping, core.

You never thought you’d be dripping for Oh Sehun, yet here you were.

You felt his tip brush against your entrance and groaned. “I thought we agreed no teasing”. You hissed, looking at his lips and then at his eyes.

“Yes, ma’am”. He smirked as he pounded into you without a warning, making you moan carelessly and mold your body to his, hands flying to clasp on his shoulders. He let out a breath, head hanging as he felt your walls adjusting around his girth.

You wiggled your hips, signaling that he could –and should– start moving. He let out a breathless laugh as he started grinding his hips onto yours. You felt incessant tingles traveling all over your body, from the tips of your toes until they reached your ears and they settled behind your eyes, making you see white patches.

You didn’t remember the last time someone made you feel so physically full and satisfied.

His pace increased, the grinding morphed onto full on thrusts, earning squeaking noises to be heard and you smiled because that was so cliché that it made you want to die but it somehow turned you on even more than you already were.

Your hand travelled back to entangle itself on his dark locks and pulling at the roots, making him groan and pound into you faster than he already was. Your jaw dropped, letting out sighs of pleasure.

A warm sensation started building up at the pit of your stomach and you knew, as much as you hated it, that the end was close. You begun grinding your hips at the same time as he pounded into you and he groaned close to your ear. You moved your head to find his lips once more, nibbling at the bottom one.

You pushed him onto you, kissing him desperately. His hips reached a sloppy pace. The kiss was no longer a kiss but a mixture of groans, moans and profanities altogether but it was still great.

The warm bubble growing inside you finally burst and your eyes rolled to the back of your head, for good this time, feeling how your limbs started to turn weak slowly but surely. Sehun groaned loudly, feeling how your walls tightened harshly around him. His lips brushing against your own, eyes shut tight as well, and small droplets of sweat traveling down his forehead as his load left his body.

You laid your head on his pillow, forcing your mind to go blank and let you rest for a minute. You closed your eyes once more, breathing heavy but still synchronized with Sehun’s, who was now basically crushing your body with his own.

You could feel sleep and tiredness taking over you as your eyelids got heavier than before. Sehun wiggled, half of his body still draped over yours, and put the covers over the two of you.

“Don’t go”. He mumbled, his hand finding its place on your waist and drawing nonsense against your skin with his fingertips.

You tried to articulate a proper reply but you were far too sleepy to do so.

As much as you had enjoyed it, you knew it had been a huge mistake and now you were going to have to deal with the consequences of not keeping it in your pants.

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	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Lots of Angst. Mentions of self-hate, hints of depression. Strong language.

Waking up by the birds chirping near the windowsill and the sun shinning through the blinds, comforting you with its cozy warmth was the exact opposite of the way you woke up. The descriptions of the morning after that most of the romantic novels and movies offered was a total, blatant, disgusting lie and if it weren’t for the fact that you didn’t even want to bat an eyelash, you would’ve been screaming your lungs out against the damn pillow.

You attributed the churning in your stomach mainly to that. It surprised you how annoyed and disgusted you could feel with yourself and how those feelings seemed to increase at a constant pace but most of all, you hated how you forgot about everything when you were with Sehun; how everything seemed okay when you spent the night with him. You weren’t about to deny how soundly and peacefully you slept but everything disappeared once you started to regain consciousness.

The next morning, you were aware once everything was over and you were starting to doze off, was going to be a torture; like being buried alive or being stuck in the Iron Maiden device, or being thrown to the ocean with your extremities chained up and a weight pulling down; you knew that and yet you still played along because you were weak and stupid and even when Chanyeol and yourself were nothing more than just friends, you felt guilty.

You hated guilt and yet it had become such a huge part of you that you thought, maybe, you should add it as your middle name.

The air around you felt heavy, it was difficult to breath. Your mind was torn, for a change –hence the sarcasm–. You pondered the pros and the cons of not moving, not even a centimeter and just wait it out or fleeing the scene like a criminal on the run. You definitely felt like a criminal on the run. You knew it wasn’t as serious as murdering someone but somehow you felt you were murdering not only Sehun and Chanyeol’s feelings –as delusional as that was– but also your own sanity.

You didn’t want to move because you didn’t want to face Sehun, you didn’t know what you should say to him; maybe something like ‘ _hey, I know you had your dick inside of me last night but I still love your best friend_ ’? Or ‘ _hey, this was a huge mistake, let’s pretend nothing happened_ ’? You were trying really hard to convince yourself that Sehun didn’t think much of everything, you were truly expecting he didn’t; you had placed all of your hopes on his dethatched behavior but if he was just a confused as you were, if he turned the tables on you, you didn’t want to hurt him.

Sehun was someone you didn’t want to face, for sure, but there was also Chanyeol. Chanyeol living under the same roof you had spent the night under was another, huge, awful problem. You knew, even if your heart ached at the mere thought, that he’d probably think nothing of it; on his eyes, Sehun and you were a couple and this was something couples did, right? Taking care of each other. Probably having sex, even if it wasn’t the brightest of ideas to have sick sex.

You were very much aware that Chanyeol would think it was a normal thing to do but, still, you couldn’t help the premature embarrassment that crept up on you while you imagined bumping on to him on the way out. That would be the biggest walk of shame ever.

You were scrambling up your head, trying to come up with an excuse, yet, again, what could you say? ‘Hey, I know you know that I had sex with Sehun and I know you think he’s my boyfriend but he’s not and I actually love you instead’?

God, you hated the situation you had put yourself in. You hated Sehun and you disliked Chanyeol, but only just a little bit. You couldn’t help the groan that left your parted lips and you immediately regretted not being able to keep your mouth shut.

You realized the difficulty you had to breathe wasn’t only because you were an anxious mess but also because Sehun still had his limp arm draped over your bare torso. Your self-consciousness and low self-esteem hit you like a bucket of ice-cold water when you heard ruffling next to you.

Slowly but surely, you peeled your eyes open, scanning Sehun’s room in a quick manner and you were glad you had rolled to your side at some point in the middle of the night; your back facing Sehun, because that gave you at least another couple minutes or so to figure out your escape route. If anything.

Sehun’s fingers dug at your side, tickling you a little bit but you just gulped, pursing your lips, hoping he still wasn’t awake yet and this was just a subconscious action. You didn’t know if that’d be better but you hoped that was it.

“You stayed”. Sehun mumbled, voice as raspy as you had heard it, a mixture of his sore throat and morning drowsiness taking over his vocal chords. You squinted your eyes, letting out a sigh and crumbling the bed sheet inside your fist. Even if you weren’t directly seeing him, you could picture him perfectly, lying on his side, eyes probably shut in a gentle expression. You were frightened due to the fact that you had memorized his face so quickly.

You cleared your throat gently as you slowly sat up, struggling to cover yourself with the stray black blanket that had been carelessly discarded the night before.

“I have to go, I have an early class”. You mumbled, barely looking over your shoulder, scared of whatever you could find if you looked at him, as if by looking him, he would absorb the remainders of your soul or worse: your heart.

But there he was, resting his head on his elbow as his right arm remained over the spot on the bed you were occupying just a second ago. He looked at you with barely opened eyes and a sly smirk on his face, a smirk you wanted to slap away.

“Can’t you skip?” He mumbled again, ruffling under the blankets that barely covered his bottom half, still revealing the abs that led you to your own doom the night before.

“No, I really have to go”. You stumbled, struggling to wrap the blanket over your bare body as you squatted to pick up your discarded clothes. You huffed, blowing a stray strand of hair out of your face, trying to ignore Sehun’s persistent stare following you around. You stopped as you picked up your black leggings and finally granted him a direct look. “Close your eyes, I need to dress”.

“But I already saw everything you have to offer”. Sehun chuckled, sitting up against the headboard. You crooked an eyebrow, unamused.

“I said close your eyes, Oh Sehun”. You fumed, talking with a stern voice as you clenched your jaw, frustration and anger taking over your bloodstream. Sehun raised his hands in a surrendering mode as he closed his eyes, still sporting his enticing smirk. You hated him so much.

You put on your clothes as quickly as you could and sprinted out of his bedroom without saying a word back to him. You were so tired of running away yet it always ended up being your best choice. You tried to brush your messy hair with your fingers, not paying attention to anything else until you looked up and stopped on your tracks when you met a sleepy looking Chanyeol inspecting the first-aid plastic bag that was still over the kitchen counter with a prominent frown on his face.

“Oh”. Chanyeol mumbled when he locked eyes with you and you gulped. You didn’t have it in you to speak up, you were far too embarrassed to say anything; you still had no idea what you should say to him to make things less awkward, less awful for you. But also, you were drawn to him, to his sleepy eyes, still a bit swollen; you were drawn to his washed out red hair that pointed in every direction, clearly a bit tangled but that still, somehow, looked flawless.

You didn’t want to scan his body but you couldn’t help it as he was just standing there in front of you without moving so you just did it. You were drawn to his muscular arms, strong enough to probably break down a door or two if he was angry, you were drawn to his long torso that shone through his baggy, frayed tank top. You wanted him to hug you, you missed his hugs so much, but you also wanted to run away from him.

You were drawn to him even after all and you wanted to curl up in a fetal position and cry out in frustration.

Sehun’s door slammed shut again and you heard him trotting down the hallway. “What’s the hurry?” Sehun mumbled, catching up to you and you figured he noticed why you were frozen in place because he froze in place next to you but still wrapped his hand around your waist, igniting a rush of shivers to run up and down your spine.

You breathed in and out as you tried to slow down your frenzy thoughts and your worrying heart rate. You nibbled on your bottom lip as Chanyeol let the plastic bag fall down onto the counter with a thud. Even when sleep clouded his facial features, his eyes transformed into two solid ice cubes the moment Sehun’s hand travelled up and down your side.

Every part of your body clenched but you weren’t sure as to why. Was it because you were anxious of being in front of Chanyeol after spending the night with Sehun, the fake boyfriend with whom you weren’t supposed to have sex with but did it anyways? Or was it because you were having flashbacks and, as much as you wanted to deny it, still wanted more?

“You really did take my request to heart, huh?” Chanyeol mumbled, eyes pursed into a thin line as his eyes jumped from your panicked expression to Sehun’s relaxed one. You didn’t have it in you to give a decent reply. You wanted to convince yourself that this was part of the plan –a very strange part of the plan, to be honest–. You wanted to convince yourself to put on your mask and pretend there was nothing wrong there but it was getting too much so you just bit your lip, not even trying to hide your blush, as you nodded quickly.

“Great”. Chanyeol mumbled, almost bumping shoulders with Sehun as he walked past you two to the bathroom. “I hope you get to class on time and I hope you feel better”. Chanyeol half growled before slamming the door shut.

Were you ever getting a break? Probably not, but this was something you put yourself in, anyways. You didn’t have the right to ask for time off.

Sehun choked back a laugh and as soon as you were sure Chanyeol was out of range you pushed Sehun away, face as upset as you could muster without showing off how confused you still were with his presence next to you. He tumbled a bit before looking at you with a crooked brow.

“Hey, I thought we were on pretty good terms now”. Sehun complained, granting you a confused smile.

“Don’t even start or I _swear_ …” You hissed, pursing your eyes shut, trying to come up with a coherent reply. “Just… stop it, I have to go”. You surrendered, letting your arms fall to your sides and strutting out of their apartment without looking back but still feeling Sehun’s eyes glued to your figure.

And then you were back to square one, wanting to hide from the world yet, this time, was going to be so much more difficult then at the beginning when you only had an embarrassing crush on Chanyeol.

-

You had become the queen of one-worded replies and made up excuses. You thought you were decent at it before but now… Now it was on another level, so much that you even surprised yourself.

Avoiding spending time with the guys had become your specialty, your second nature, even. You were sad about it but you didn’t know what other path to take. Your heart wasn’t strong enough to deal with both Sehun’s fake –or maybe not– flirting and Chanyeol’s annoyed behavior.

Your heart hurt when Chanyeol gave you the side eye or when he replied huskily to your comments and your insides trembled when Sehun laid his hands on you, whether it was just putting his arm over your shoulder or back-hugging you as you waited in line to order your coffee.

“Why are you so tense, lately?” Sehun whispered close to your ear, making you gulp and sigh, as you tried to distract yourself by reading and re-reading the menu you had already memorized perfectly. Chanyeol stood behind you both and you felt his eyes burning at the back of your head and heard him switching his weight from foot to foot.

“Stress”. You replied. It wasn’t a lie; you just didn’t want to talk to him about it. As much as Sehun had become your confidant, this was something you couldn’t just run by him. How were you supposed to tell him that he was making things harder for you? More than they already were?

Sehun hummed, planting a chaste kiss on the side of your neck. You shivered, goosebumps erupting on your skin, unable to hide your reaction, unfortunately. He laughed breathlessly, hugging you tighter. You wanted to disappear.

“Stop it, you two. We’re in a public setting”. Chanyeol practically barked, making you jump. Your eyes widened in fear and surprise.

“Oh, relax. I’m just hugging her, what’s the problem? Jealous?” Sehun cackled, leaning back up but still leaving one arm around your waist.

You didn’t have it in you to look over your shoulder and directly look at Chanyeol, who was probably murdering Sehun with just his intense staring. You didn’t want to be self-centered; you never thought he’d be doing that just because Sehun was being totally into PDA. You thought, maybe, Chanyeol was upset because he had found you in their home that morning almost a week ago without previous notice.

You thought, maybe, Chanyeol didn’t like intruders in his place. As far as you were concerned, you were an intruder in that particular scenario.

“No”. Chanyeol scoffed, making you gulp at the sound of his hoarse voice. “Just hurry up and order, we don’t have your time”.

Sehun chuckled, finally coming back to your side completely, turning his back towards Chanyeol, Jongin and Minseok. You looked up at him with pursed lips and raised eyebrows, discretely pinching his side. He winced silently and looked at you with a very annoyed expression.

As you all waited for your drinks to be ready, you tried really hard not to look at Chanyeol and analyze him stupidly as you always did. He had decided to take a seat while waiting, leaving you all behind. You were trying as hard as your weak mind and heart allowed you to and thank God Jongin was there to distract you without being a confusing pain in the ass like Sehun.

“So how’s work doing?” Jongin muttered, smiling brightly at you. You blinked a couple times as you processed his question with your very foggy mind.

“It’s alright, tiring as every job is. We’re wrapping up the December number so it’s been a bit hectic”. You muttered, forcing out a smile for little-ol’, innocent Jongin. He smiled back at you.

“Ah, right. I heard you talking on the phone the other day as you walked down the hall about a party of sorts… I wasn’t spying, I swear, I was just going to the bathroom”. He chuckled, throwing up his hands, mocking rendition.

You chuckled, looking down at your hands for a second, before looking through the corner of your eye, seeing Sehun talking with Minseok a few steps away from you and Chanyeol still immersed on his phone on the furthest corner of the shop. You sighed.

“Yeah, it’s tradition, apparently, to finish the year with a bang. It’s my first time so it’s unnerving me a little bit”. You confessed. It was easy to talk to Jongin. He was like that cousin slash friend who you could just talk to about not so deep matters to make you feel less bummed out. It was nice, a breath of fresh air.

“We’ll be there to support you, if you want us to, of course. Though I assume Sehun is already more than invited, huh?” Jongin wiggled his eyebrows at you. You took back everything you said. Jongin was a breath of fresh air until he started talking about fifty percent of your inner chaos named Oh Sehun.

You scoffed. “I haven’t told him yet”. You admitted, shrugging your shoulders. “I wasn’t planning on going anyways”. Jongin gasped loudly, taking a hand to his chest, earning confused stares by Minseok and Sehun, who raised a single eyebrow at you. You ignored him.

“You’re turning down a party where you can get free food and free alcohol? Monster, that’s what you are, a _monster_ ”. You rolled your eyes at him, trying to hold back a laugh. Sehun stepped to your side, followed by Minseok.

“You finally figured out her true identity, huh? Took you long enough”. Sehun chuckled, making you roll your eyes again as you leaned away from him and onto the counter.

“She’s turning down the Christmas party her company is throwing, can you believe her? We’re going to miss out on all the snacks because of her anti-social behavior”. Jongin complained, partially pouted. You were amazed this human was actually a grown up man and not just a little boy with little boy mannerisms.

“Oh, we’re going”. Sehun laughed, putting his arm over your shoulders again and pulling to him. “I’m sorry, darling, but we’re definitely going”. Sehun smiled down at you, eyes squinted. Your heart gave a thump.

-

Days at the magazine were longer. Something you both hated and appreciated at the same time. It took your mind off things for good, yet at the end of the day you were so tired, you had trouble sleeping. Funny, though, it should’ve been the opposite.

And when you couldn’t sleep your mind drifted. It drifted to Chanyeol, being constantly on edge and being riled up by the simplest of things; it drifted to the bubbly Chanyeol who you had fell for and that now was barely present. It also drifted to Hayoon, who you hadn’t seen in a while now and still couldn’t help to be sorry for and it finally drifted to Sehun.

Somewhere along the lines of this twisted fate, Sehun had become an indispensable part of your life and now you weren’t able to picture your life without him, which in all honesty, you never thought you’d admit and it made you a little nauseous.

You threw the covers off your body and groaned. It was almost two in the morning and you were still tossing around, physically and emotionally exhausted yet unable to find the sleep you were so desperate for. So you caved in; you were caving in a lot lately, it was worrying.

Wandering around the empty streets, alone, in the middle of the night was definitely not a bright idea, anything could happen to you, you were aware but you didn’t care. The silence in your apartment felt deafening; the apparent comfort you bed offered you only made your mind race. Your living room reminded you of the various times Sehun had been to your place. Nowhere was safe but the streets and even so, you couldn’t force your mind to stop working.

That was until you spotted a big dark figure walking down the sidewalk towards you and you thought ‘well, this is it’. You lowered your head a bit, trying to go by unnoticed; you were immersed on the rhythm of your steps. Left, right, left, right, ready to sprint if needed be.

As the figured walked towards you, your heart raced, full of fear and anticipation –the bad kind–. The face was covered by a cap and the hoodie of their jacket, but you could see, even through your lashes that it was man. You were prepared to run, even more than you were before but the man didn’t look up at you.

And then he bumped his shoulder to you and your heart came to a halt, your lungs completely stopped and your hands trembled in the inside of your pockets. You pursed your lips, trying to ignore it.

“Sorry”. The man mumbled, not paying much attention and then everything around you stopped. Completely frozen in place, you turned your head to see the man, slowly walking away from you.

“Chanyeol?” You whispered. You didn’t know if your voice was loud enough for him to hear, probably too weak due to the fear that engulfed you just seconds ago. You sighed in both relief and anxiety. What was he doing out at this time?

Chanyeol stopped on his tracks, a sign that he had heard you and turned around quickly, haphazardly removing his hoodie and finally looking up at you with wide, surprised eyes.

He stalled for a second, probably trying to process the encounter just as much as you were at the moment. What were the chances? You thought. Was he losing sleep over something, just like you were? Was it for the same reason? You doubted it.

“Are you crazy? What are you doing out so late and all alone?” He hissed, coming towards you with a menacing countenance. Your whole body stiffened even more, nervous that he was here, but more nervous about his way of talking to you.

Chanyeol’s warmth wasn’t there and you missed it so much. You wanted the old Chanyeol back.

“I could say the same to you”. You muttered, shrugging as you avoided eye contact at all costs.

He sighed, looking up at the sky and running a hand through his disheveled hair. Newly dyed black hair, you noticed. Even the bright red hair was gone and that made you sad, yet you couldn’t help but notice how well that color suited him, making him seem more mature than before.

Still looking up, he gulped, enhancing his sharp jawline under the yellow-toned lamplight. You didn’t want to notice the way his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down and the way a vein on his neck popped up when he did so, but you did. It made you even more nervous.

Letting out a deep breath, he finally let his head fall back down, crooking an eyebrow at you.

“I can protect myself but you shouldn’t be out alone at this time. The streets are dark and deserted, something could happen to you”. You scoffed, started to walk again. He followed you, still with a raised eyebrow, not understanding your reaction.

“I can protect myself as well, or do you think I’m not capable of self defense?” You blurted out. You didn’t want to spit out harsh responses at him, it was Chanyeol, anyways, but his behavior left you with no choice.

“I- I’m not Sehun, you don’t have to argue back at everything I say”. He barked, putting his hands in his pockets again. He was upset, that was for sure, and yet, he was still walking next to you en route to nowhere.

“You’re upset over something”. You mumbled after a few minutes of silence, realizing you were walking down streets you had never been to before. Everything felt strange, even Chanyeol by your side felt like he didn’t belong there and you couldn’t really tell why you were feeling that way.

“Am not”. He replied dryly, looking at you through the corner of his eye. You scoffed again, crossing the street to sit at a deserted bus stop. Your body was drained, and so was your mind but you didn’t have it in you to go back home and sleep. Maybe you needed to be punched in the face or something ridiculous like that.

Chanyeol followed you, slumping down on the space next to you.

“You’re walking alone in the middle of the night. Your clothes are all wrinkled up and your shoelaces are untied. You’re upset over something and you probably can’t sleep because of it”. Chanyeol was startled by your observations, frowning and blinking rapidly as he listened you to.

Even in your state, you were able to pinpoint everything about him. From the obvious things, like the change of hair color and bags under his eyes to the discrete ones, like the unmade shoelaces, now dirty from all the walking and the wrinkled hoodie with a stain on the right side.

“Are you projecting yourself onto that? Because you also fit that description all too well”. He scoffed. Even when he spoke cold words, he didn’t leave your side. He stayed even when he disapproved of you arguing back. He stayed by your side even after the uncalled commentary of yours. He stayed and you didn’t know why.

You didn’t understand why you had to bump into him at the moment. It was as if God, or whatever entity was watching you from above wanted to irritate you. When your mind was filled with confusing thoughts of Sehun, Chanyeol appeared in front of you and when all you could think about was Chanyeol, Sehun burst it unexpectedly.

“I don’t have shoelaces. I wore boots to avoid the hassle”. You concluded, childishly, perhaps, but completely honestly.

Chanyeol laughed for the first time in what felt like forever.

“You’re right, I am upset. You’re also right about me not being able to sleep because of it. I was trying to clear my mind by going on a walk on this freezing cold night and then you appeared, clumsy as always. What about you?” He asked, lips pursed onto a small, sly smile. Your heart gave a thump.

Here it was. Old Chanyeol creeping back up, slowly but surely. Your heart couldn’t handle all this changes, as far as you were concerned, you might as well rip it in two and hand each man one part.

“Same here. Have you ever felt so tired and worn out that you’re not even able to sleep? It sucks” You laughed dryly, tearing your eyes away from his’. The gleam that covered his dark brown eyes was distracting; you didn’t want to get lost in them. He nodded slowly.

Silence fell over you two. The cold air was starting to pull at your exposed skin. Your combined breaths formed an ethereal looking vapor cloud. The tension got lost somewhere in the silent companionship. Chanyeol’s breathing synchronized with yours as he scooted closer, probably seeking your warmth.

That’s the way you used to feel about him. When he was nice and always spared you a selfless smile or a lazy hug. You missed old Chanyeol so much it made your insides churn.

You let out a sigh as you looked at the time. Even when you still didn’t feel like sleeping, you knew you had to go back, or else you were going to freeze. You took your hands out of your pockets and blew into them, rubbing them furiously as you stood up. Chanyeol observed you intently, almost jumping from his seat.

He grabbed your hands in his, startling you. Your heart raced even more than when you bumped into him before. You watched him, unable to do anything else. You were scared that he would sprint away if you made any sudden movements. You didn’t want him to run away. His hands felt like burning iron against your skin and his warm breath engulfing them sent tickles all over your body. Your knees were shaking and not precisely due to the low temperature and numbing air.

He furrowed his eyebrows as he blew into your clasped hands and then rubbed them between his own. How could someone be so focused on such a simple action? This was Chanyeol coming back to light, the Chanyeol you adored, so passionate and always willing to look after you.

“I’m fine, Chanyeol” You stuttered, eyes still fixated on him. He looked up at you, gaze now extremely gentle as he smiled at you. Losing the remainders of your sanity in his damned enticing dimple.

He cupped your face with his balmy hands, making your breathing hitch. If this was a dream, you didn’t want to wake up but at the same time you knew you should. You gulped as you finally met his eyes, they still gleamed, they still pulled you in, you were still afraid of everything he made you feel.

“Let’s get you home, then”. He mumbled, voice soft and low; barely a whisper, almost like a lullaby of sorts. You nodded, head still engulfed in his palms.

You were trying really hard to stabilize your breathing, still not fully understanding what had gotten into him when he did that. You didn’t understand how he could go from gloomy to extremely warm in just a matter of minutes –well, it was actually almost forty-five minutes, but they felt like seconds–.

After walking for a couple blocks with Chanyeol still by your side, he finally spoke up. Messing up your bodily functions yet again.

“I think I might break up with Hayoon”. He blurted out. Your eyes widened and you gulped before biting the inside of your cheek. Your heart was racing so bad, you felt it was going to break your ribcage from inside out and your lungs were going to be punctured.

Why was he telling you this? Why was he doing this to you?

“Why?” You asked when he didn’t continue talking. You didn’t want to know but at the same time you wanted confirmation. Was this happening because of you? Was Sehun’s plan working? A part of you was glad, the other was not as much.

“I don’t think it’s healthy, our relationship, I mean… At least not at this very moment”. You pursed your lips and you partly hid your face behind your jacket. Trying to hide the fact that you were starting to have a nervous breakdown. When you didn’t say anything, Chanyeol continued explaining, voice numb. You didn’t want to look at him and mess things up.

“My mind and heart have begun drifting in a different direction, away from her and towards someone else… I don’t think it’s fair to drag her along with my indecisiveness and I don’t want to be the jerk that stays with someone and continues to hurt that person when in reality it feels like my heart wants something else… Even when that something else is something I can’t have”.

You gulped. You didn’t want to believe his words. Even when they expressed nothing concrete, you had a gut feeling about them. You quickened your strides, trying to get home before anything else would happen. You were running away from Chanyeol, something you never thought you’d be doing.

Everything up to this moment had been the opposite: you chasing Chanyeol and Chanyeol’s affections, then why were you so panicked? Wasn’t this what you truly wanted? To have a happy ending with him and nothing else?

You raised your eyes, hoping you were finally outside your building but you still had a couple more blocks to go. You cried out internally. You weren’t prepared for this.

Chanyeol didn’t say anything else, he just struggled to keep up with your pace. You wondered why he was putting so much effort into that.

“If you feel like you’re hurting her by staying with her then do the right and fair thing. If it’s hurting not only her but you as well… Well, you know”. Your words probably didn’t make sense; nothing in your head was making sense at the moment. Nothing about this moment was logical and you hoped this truly was a dream. You wanted to open your eyes and be snuggled in bed.

This kind of stress, you couldn’t handle on a sleepless night.

Your eyes were fixed on your building’s entry light, barely illuminating the sidewalk. As if you were on a marathon and that was your finish line after torturous hours.

“Just… Do whatever you think will make you happy”. You blurted out, a couple meters away from the door. Just a few more seconds and you’d be safe, running away from something you had sought from the beginning but weren’t able to handle just yet.

Would you ever be able to? That was the real question. You had fantasized about it countless times. You wanted to be engulfed in Chanyeol’s arms, to feel him kiss the top of your head and put his arm around your waist as you walked around but you also didn’t want to hurt Hayoon and most of all, you didn’t want to lose Sehun.

“What if what makes me happy is already being happy with someone else?” Chanyeol blurted out as soon as you reached the entrance. He was standing behind you, you were glad he couldn’t see your face. You shut your eyes tightly, trying to prevent the frustrated and confused tears from falling down your cheeks. “What if what makes me happy is the person who my best friend is in love with? Can I take that away from him and escape?”

The desperation in Chanyeol’s voice shook you to the core. Chanyeol was your exact reflection. The way you felt over breaking him and Hayoon up was the same he was feeling now and your suspicions were confirmed. As far as you were concerned none of the other guys had a girlfriend. As far as you were concerned, Sehun was his best friend. As far as you were concerned, even if your plan had worked, this was a fucked up situation that you didn’t know how to handle.

You turned around so quickly you almost fell over but you kept it cool. Staring at him with tears still rimming your eyes. As soon as your eyes met he closed the space between you and grabbed your face, planting a desperate kiss on your lips.

You were startled, frozen, taken aback. You didn’t think Chanyeol would act so recklessly. He _still_ was someone’s boyfriend and yet here he was, kissing you with all he had. Cupping your face and pressing his plump lips to yours, eyes shut tight.

You let yourself go for a split second, closing your eyes as you enjoyed the moment. You knew it was wrong, you were hyper aware of that. Chanyeol was betraying Hayoon and you were to blame for whatever happened next. Also, you felt like you were betraying Sehun. Even when your relationship started out as fake, you had grown attached to Sehun.

Sehun was there anytime you needed him and also when you didn’t. When you woke up, he appeared in your thoughts and when you tried to concentrate, your moments with him distracted you. And even now, when you were trying to enjoy Chanyeol’s warm, soothing kiss, your mind found its way to Sehun.

Maybe it was the guilt. The feeling that you were betraying him.

Even when you wanted to kiss Chanyeol back, you couldn’t. Something in your body was holding you back. Maybe it was the guilt induced by this whole situation. You had guided Chanyeol to this moment without his consent, you had broken a relationship, you had used Sehun and now here you were, finally getting everything you had wished for, then why didn’t you feel happy? Why did you feel worthless and numb?

Chanyeol broke off the kiss, resting his forehead against yours, eyes still closed. You scanned his face as much as you could from that angle. There were so many emotions running through him that it was difficult to differentiate them. His eyebrows were twitching and his lips were pursed into a crooked smirk.

You put your hands on his wrists, gently tugging his hands away from your face. You didn’t want to seem rude or harsh but you couldn’t stay in this moment forever and that was a fact.

“Good night, Chanyeol”. You whispered, trying not to cry in front of him as he finally let his hands fall to his sides. He licked his lips before pursing them again, nodding his head slowly as he looked down at the pavement underneath him. He threw his hoodie over his head again, sparing you a last glance and a smile before he walked away, tugging his hands on his pockets. You watched his figure until it disappeared around a corner. He was tugging on the weak strings that held you together.

Life was fucked up and you were the perfect victim.

-

Staying overnight at the office was a habit you welcomed reluctantly. Both because you needed to work harder than ever and also because you didn’t want to go back home. But staying overnight also meant having to deal with Sehun’s constant texts and phone calls that you couldn’t keep rejecting or else he would show up at the office with an upset face.

“Are you staying overnight again?” Sehun asked even before saying hello through the other end of the line. You sighed. “I don’t want to let you starve because you’ll probably find a way to blame me for it”.

You chuckled, void of emotion as you eyes remained glued to your screen as you reviewed a couple articles and tried to fit them into the magazine’s design.

“I already ate at the cafeteria here and I’m going to go buy something at the 24/7 diner that’s around the corner when I get out”. You mumbled, trying to ignore the fact that your heart raced at his masked concern.

Sehun hummed. “Do you want me to pick you up?” Your heart skipped another beat and then guilt came rushing in, hitting you like a tidal wave. It numbed you and almost killed you. You had difficulty breathing and you wanted to yell at him for caring when he clearly shouldn’t.

“No, I’ll be out late. I will see you tomorrow”. You mumbled, trying very hard to push down the knot in your throat that tightened with every passing second. You wanted to swallow but it physically hurt you, you wanted to take a deep breath to calm yourself down but your lungs seemed to have stopped functioning as well. The only thing you could do was blink away the tears that were clouding your vision.

“Fine. See you tomorrow. Remember that I care”. Sehun’s voice was merely a whisper, you didn’t know if he had said that for you to hear of if he was thinking out loud, whatever the case was, it had just worsened everything.

As soon as the call ended, you threw your phone away and rested your head on the cold, glass desk, silently weeping. You were thankful no one was around you at the moment, you probably looked ridiculous and pitiful.

You put on your earphones and blasted music through them, trying to drown out your overly emotional thoughts; trying to drown out Sehun with his teasing yet caring comments, trying to drown out Chanyeol and his impulsiveness from the other night, trying to drown out the guilt that was taking over your entire being when you thought of Hayoon and how miserable you were for doing this to her.

Hours passed slowly but surely, until one of your seniors came by to check on you, patting your shoulder to gain your attention. You pulled out your earphones unceremoniously, hurting your ears along the way. You didn’t care though.

“It’s already well past midnight, everyone has left already, you should go home too. Go get some rest and come back tomorrow when you’re feeling refreshed. I haven’t seen an intern as dedicated as you in all my years working here and let me tell you, I’ve been here for almost fifteen years now”. He said. He reminded you of your father. He seemed tough and opinionated on the outside but he was actually really caring and kind most of the time. The graying hairs framed his face, giving him an intellectual look when combined with his glasses.

You smiled warmly at him, the first smile appearing on your face for days now. You turned off the computer, following him out of the building as you struggled to put on your oversized coat. Waving him goodbye as you slowly made your way to the diner. You weren’t hungry but Sehun was right, you needed to eat something.

The buzzing of the neon lights inside of the establishment distracted you as you sat in a booth, waiting for your order to be ready. You didn’t want to check your cellphone because you didn’t want to see Sehun’s texts nor Chanyeol’s missed calls, which would only tug at your heart even more.

You had been avoiding contact with Chanyeol at all costs. Arriving to class late and leaving early, hiding out in secluded corners of the campus and not stepping foot near the coffee shop even when your body begged for good quality caffeine. You had been too preoccupied reliving the events that had led you to this moment, since the moment you and Sehun were on that same coffee shop and had started the plan, to the night you spent together with him up until the night Chanyeol kissed you and partially confessed his feelings.

Your head was pounding and then you heard the ring of the doorbell, announcing a new customer. You didn’t bother looking up to check the person’s identity, you were too preoccupied torturing yourself, that was until you heard a gasp from somewhere near you that startled you.

You peeked through the corner of your eye just to figure out what the fuss was about and then you saw her. Hayoon was standing a couple steps away from you with his usually shiny hair tied up in a tangled ponytail, face bare and lips slightly chapped. Your eye twitched.

Out of all people. You thought. It had to be her to find you here.

“I didn’t expect to see you here”. She chuckled, shyly as she tucked an inexistent strand of hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry if I startled you”. She giggled, looking down at her feet. You groaned internally.

“You want to have a seat?” You asked, voice probably harsher than it should be, especially towards someone whose life you were wrecking without her knowledge.

She looked back up at you with widened eyes and nodded quickly, sliding on the seat in front of you and placing her heavy looking bag on the empty spot next to her. She put her hands over the table, probably unsure of what to do with them. Hayoon had always been shy around you, even if you hadn’t met as much as you probably would’ve in different circumstances. Except for when she was drunk, she was completely different when she was drunk. You smirked.

A waiter came by to hand you both cups of coffee. Free coffee was always good even when it tasted like death itself.

“Getting out of your internship late?” You forced yourself to ask one more time, unable to deal with the uncomfortable silence that she had brought upon you. She smiled again, small wrinkles appearing around her almond shaped eyes as she nodded quickly.

“You too?” She asked, high-pitched voice barely audible. She sounded broken but you forced yourself to not give it much thought. You didn’t want to dwell on the fact that she was hurting because you weren’t sure why she was in the first place. Even when you had a pretty good idea, you didn’t want those ideas to be confirmed. Shame was consuming you enough as it was.

You nodded silently.

“Who would’ve thought we’d be here together after our own respective internships, sharing cups of coffee without anyone else?” She chuckled, fidgeting with the white cup between her hands. She was smiling but the smile didn’t reach her eyes this time. It sounded as if she was talking to herself more so than she was talking to you.

After a few minutes of silence, your subconscious betrayed you and basically threw you under the bus when you decided to speak up and ask a caring question.

“Is everything okay with you? You seem… off” You mumbled, raising an eyebrow as you took a sip of your own cup, trying to gulp down the low groan that was forming on the back of your throat. You knew you shouldn’t have asked but you did it anyways because you were a stupid masochist.

“Is it that noticeable?” She chuckled, shifting on her seat as she crossed one leg over the other and twirling her coffee with a spoon. “Out of all people, I knew you’d be the one to notice right away I just never expected to meet you at my lowest point”. Her smile was fake; you knew because you had worn that smile on multiple occasions as well.

“You’re pretty close with Chanyeol, right?” She asked after a few minutes of heavy silence. She probably, most likely, didn’t know anything about your kiss and yet your whole body still felt like collapsing. You nodded, trying to seem neutral and unaffected. “Well… I feel like I’ve neglected Chanyeol so much, with me travelling for a year and then immediately getting an internship after coming back… Things between us are not great. I feel like he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore so I’m scared this will end soon and it’ll be my fault. I’ve never known something else other than Chanyeol. He’s my first and only love, you know?”.

Hayoon sighed, letting out a laugh that sounded more like a sob. She was still looking down, concentrated on her dark-brown liquid as you scrutinized her expression. Her brow was furrowed and she was chewing on the inside of her cheek, most likely trying to hold back her cries. You knew that trick all too well, as well.

You sighed, not able to find words that could comfort her. You didn’t have it in you to comfort people when they felt sad, all you could offer were hugs and a few smiles; words –strangely enough– never came to you when someone was in need of them. You placed one hand on top of hers, granting her a silent smile and then the vibration of your phone in your pocket made you jump a little.

Without taking your hand from hers, you reached to your pocket, fishing out the device. You were expecting to see Sehun’s contact flash across the screen, probably calling you to ask if you had gotten home safe already or not but your heart sank when you saw Chanyeol’s name and not the one you were expecting.

You sighed, ignoring the call and pushing your phone back to your pocket. Your mind went into overdrive. Chanyeol, who was partially at fault for Hayoon’s suffering just _had_ to call you when you were cracking up your brain, trying to find a way to comfort _his_ girlfriend. Great timing he had.

“D-don’t say that. It’s probably just a rough patch. Chanyeol loves you a lot and everyone can tell you love him a lot too.” Even when you felt a sharp pain in your chest as you said that, you knew perfectly well that it was the truth and whatever Chanyeol thought he felt for you was probably just him being confused; it was probably just his animal instinct making an appearance and feeling territorial when someone else had claimed you, whether it was real or not. “Ever since the moment I met you, I could tell. He loved you with all of his being, with every piece and bit of his soul and heart. He looks at you as if he was staring at the Northern Lights, the most mesmerizing of things”.

Another pang hit your heart. It hurt but it was true and now you were meddling with his pure feelings, turning him into a completely different person just because of one of your tantrums.

“He doesn’t look at me the way he used to, though. He probably doesn’t know, probably doesn’t even notices it but the spark on his eyes has faded away and that’s what hurts the most”. Hayoon laughed breathlessly, finally meeting your eyes. Her own had reddened due to her efforts of containing her sorrowful tears.

You gulped. Guilt, guilt and even more guilt. You were drowning in it and there was nothing that could pull you up. You knew that spark Hayoon was talking about, you had seen it when you first met her. You saw the way his whole self lit up around her, how his eyes shone when she smiled, you had been a witness and now you were the thief. You had stolen that from her, as well. You saw that spark the other night, when Chanyeol spoke the words you were desperate to hear, or you _thought_ you were desperate to hear.

You saw it in the way he looked at you when he was trying to warm you up, you thought it was just warm Chanyeol reappearing but now you knew it wasn’t the case. It was the happiness and love spark that you had snatched from Hayoon’s possession.

Hayoon’s sorrow was so strong it was contagious. You had your own sorrows, your own pool of self-pity to handle and yet, as the words left her mouth and her own tears threatened to roll down her pale cheeks; everything you felt was heightened.

You cleared your throat before you spoke, trying to build up the strength to at least attempt to get a smile from her. It was the least you cold do for someone who was a victim of your despicable choices.

“How about you come to the magazine’s Christmas party and try to forget about that? Maybe you just need to take some time off to fix things between you two. How does that sound?” You forced out a smile, trying to rub it off on her as well. As time passed, you were afraid she could see right through your guilt-driven actions.

She finally smiled at you, wiping the few tears that had escaped with the back of her hand. Just in time, the same waitress arrived with a plastic bag that contained your order and you smiled thankfully at the older lady. Hayoon nodded quickly, sparing you a sincere looking smile. “I’d like that”.

“Great”. You said, letting out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. “I’ll text you the details when I have them, okay? But… cheer up, everything will work itself out”. You smiled, standing up and patting her hand once more before leaving her behind. You practically ran out of the diner, rubbing your eyes with your knuckles.

You were such a hypocrite, weren’t you? You were definitely going to hell for this. You wished Hayoon didn’t spare you sparse kind smiles, you wished she hadn’t feel comfortable around you as to tell you what was going on. You wanted her to hate you, as much as you hated Sunhee or more if it was possible. You wanted Hayoon to despise you because that was what you deserved.

-

On a Sunday afternoon, after yet another exhausting, awful week had gone by with you still avoiding Chanyeol and Sehun like the plague, you found yourself sitting alone on the rooftop of your building. You weren’t supposed to be there, tenants were not allowed up there but you had found you had a great skill when it came to open doors with bobby pins.

The sky was clear but the air was still freezing cold, making you feel as if your skin was made of cardboard.

The impending end of the semester and the immense amount of papers you had to turn in were great reasons to be away from anyone, secluded in the office, your apartment or the library at the earliest of hours to not run into anyone. Although good for avoiding undesired encounters, it was taking a toll on your mental health.

This was the first breath of fresh air you had gotten in what felt like an eternity. You wished the chilly air would creep into your body and wash away your feeling of nothingness.

You heard the door creak open from somewhere behind you and you feared you might’ve gotten caught by the landlord, mentally preparing yourself for the scolding of a lifetime but the only thing you heard were muffled footsteps coming up to you and then someone slumping down next to you, scooting closer to your own body.

You finally tore your eyes open, squinting at the bright sunlight and turned your head to the side to figure out what weirdo you probably didn’t even know had came up to you in your strange moment of peace.

Sehun.

Of course it was Sehun, you thought, although you didn’t know how he had managed to come all the way up here.

“And so I finally find the mythical creature who likes to hide from human kind and only goes out at night when no one is watching”. Sehun mumbled, lips pursed tight as he nudged his shoulder to yours. You rolled your eyes and looked away from him even when his eyes were still glued to your face, probably coming up with jokes about your dark circles and how awful you looked. “Where have you been hiding?”

“If I tell you, it’ll lose its charm”. You mumbled again, trying to ignore him as best as you could, something nearly impossible as he kept scooting closer to you, his leg brushing yours as he adjusted himself onto a comfortable position. Your heart went into overdrive again.

“You worry me, though. I haven’t seen you and talked to you in forever, I felt like I was dreaming when you picked up my call the other day”. He scoffed, imitating your position and looking up at the cloudless sky.

You spared him a glance even when you knew that’d be a mistake. His hair was tucked under a black beanie, exposing his spotless forehead. You didn’t know it was possible to miss someone’s side profile until you looked at him and you realized you had missed him, altogether.

“I’m fine”. It seemed you had a thing for repeating those words over and over again even when they were definitely a lie. Unlike Chanyeol, you knew Sehun would notice you were, in fact, not fine at all the moment you let the words flow from your lips.

“Right”. He mumbled, not looking at you. You scoffed, tearing your eyes away from his face. Your heart was running a marathon. Yes, you had missed Sehun.

After ten minutes or so, Sehun readjusted himself again and he took you by surprise when he extended his arm and intertwined your frozen fingers between his lukewarm ones. You bit your lip, attempting to calm yourself down.

“I came to check on you because I know something is going on and you may not want to tell me but I really do want to know. You’re ghosting everyone and Chanyeol has been even more insufferable than before. I don’t know what happened but I want to know and I want to hear it from you… You’re my girlfriend and if I can help you, I will”.

His words, although unwillingly, tore your heart out with tremendous force. You frowned. You felt like crying but somehow it felt as if you had ran out of tears to cry already. Your chest felt void yet heavy, your limbs had gone numb as well. You wanted to tell Sehun and, in theory you could, because this was the plan and he was not really your boyfriend but you feared it might hurt him to know that you had kept everything to yourself for weeks now.

As if sensing your discomfort, he placed his free hand over your intertwined ones, rubbing his thumb over your white knuckles. The small action sent an electric current all over your body, something you haven’t felt before with him. It scared you, it scared you how much you cared, so much you didn’t want to hurt him, yet you kept hurting everyone beyond belief, even yourself.

“Could you lay off for a minute? It’s not like there’s someone around here that needs to be fooled. Scratch that, there’s not even a soul in here besides you and me, can we drop the facade and just go back to hating each other?” You spit out as you shrugged off from his grasp. You didn’t want to sound so harsh, honestly, you didn’t. Sehun didn’t deserve that and it pained you that you were being such an asshole to him when the only thing he wanted was to comfort you, but the accumulated bad experiences you had throughout not only the day but the past few weeks, and honestly, months, were slowly but surely getting to your sanity.

You heard a strained groan as he scooted away from you. You immediately felt the cold wind settling on your skin, sneaking in between your two bodies until it found a home around your bones.

“Spitting out insensitive words when I’m trying to help you, I see. Remind me not to try and comfort you when you’re in one of your moods again or else, World War Four might as well start, right here, on your deserted rooftop”. You knew Sehun was trying to mask something, it was moments like this, when he spit out more words than usual, that you knew he was battling his feelings way more than he led on.

“Fine by me”. You blurted out again. You hated this feature of yours, when you spoke before thinking it through. You hated it because you didn’t want to hurt anyone, in this case: Sehun, but you couldn’t stop yourself. It was the way you worked: you hurt everyone without even intending to. You weren’t made to be around people.

“Why are you being like this?” He scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest, straining the black coat so much, you thought it was going to fall apart at the seams at any given moment.

“I just don’t think there’s the need to be affectionate to each other when there’s no one around… In fact, I don’t think there’s a point in continuing this whole thing anymore, it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t want to keep pretending that I love someone I don’t; I don’t want to potentially keep hurting people because of my foolish, selfish behavior”. This time, though, you weren’t just word-vomiting, you had actually given it a considerable amount of thought, even if it didn’t feel like it.

“Is that so?” Sehun said, voice with a lower register than usual. “We were affectionate when no one was around… You were affectionate when no one was around; no one forced you to be. I would never force you to do anything. We spent a night together and I thought that meant something, maybe I was wrong as usual. Was I? Was I wrong?” You gulped. You could feel him staring and you were scared to meet his eyes.

No. He wasn’t wrong and that was mostly why you were feeling so conflicted. Sehun wasn’t wrong, you were affectionate because you cared about him; you spent the night with him because you wanted to, but could you tell him that?

Were you going to be able to admit that your heart and mind were as confused as they ever had been? Torn between right and wrong? Torn between two men that happened to be best friends? Remorse consumed you before and now it was worse because he had confirmed your suspicions: he was starting to care for you as well.

“This might sound cliché but I want to be alone, Sehun”. You finally looked back at him with an embarrassed expression as you stood up and dusted your clothes. He looked at you with raised eyebrows as he followed you suit and stood up as well, stuffing his hands inside the pockets of his long coat.

“Is that so?”. He blurted out, voice still void of feeling, blocking your way when you tried to walk towards the stairs.

“No”. You mumbled, in all honesty. Sehun felt like home. Even when you felt upset and infuriated you wanted to go home, because it comforted you in a twisted way. His mere presence was comforting and that’s why you wanted to be alone, so you’d stop blurting out hurtful things. “But I don’t want to say something that will make you hate me”.

Sehun groaned as he rolled his eyes. “Regardless of how annoyed I am at you right now and however many mean things you might say to me, I could never hate you and I hope you understand and accept that”.

You didn’t say anything else, you knew it would be useless to fight back. Once Sehun made his mind up about something there was no force that could make him change his mind. That scared you. You hope he hadn’t made his mind about you yet, even when his words stated the opposite.

“So when you feel calmer, you can call me and I’ll be here”. He said with a calm voice, pursing his lips as he turned to walk away from you. You watched him, having flashbacks of the night you saw Chanyeol walk away from you.

You wanted to stop this madness once and for all.

-

The week passed by faster than usual mainly because you were finally getting rid of all of your assignments in both college and your work.

But there still was one more thing to get through, probably the roughest one, the one you feared the most: the stupid early Christmas party your magazine was throwing. The stupid part you had to attend and face everyone at. Your body trembled.

Things with Sehun had been stiff, you couldn’t find it in you to apologize. It wasn’t like you didn’t want to because you wanted to do so more than anything but you didn’t know what you should say. _I’m sorry for being an asshole to you, I actually care a lot about you, so much it scares me so my natural reaction is to push you away with my despicable words_. It didn’t make sense, so you didn’t say anything.

So when he texted you on the day of the party to tell you he’d come by to pick you up, you just agreed, heart acting up once again.

You checked your reflection in the mirror over and over again, trying to iron out the inexistent wrinkles of your black dress. Your hair was in a half-up hair do, a few small braids adorning it here and there, as loose curls framed your face.

This has been the most put-together you had looked in a long time. Probably since you started college. Something that was not as distant but felt like it had been years ago and yet it also felt like it had gone in the blink of an eye. You assumed it was because of the whole damn mess you had found yourself in. You wondered why was it that you weren’t able to have a peaceful life, like your best friend who you so dearly missed, especially in moments of need like this. Like the past few months.

Your eyes looked lighter due to the dark shades of eye shadow that you had carefully put over your eyelids. The doorbell startled you, making you take a deep breath and walk over to your door, unlocking it in the process before buzzing in the person downstairs. You didn’t bother asking who it was because you already knew and yet you still weren’t prepared to face him. Still overly confused by just the thought of him.

You went to stand in front of the mirror again, retouching your red lipstick even if it wasn’t necessary. You heard the door open and close immediately after but you didn’t physically flinch this time. You concentrated on the erratic beating of your heart and just waited for him to get to where you were. Apparently he had the ability to find you wherever you were.

A few minutes later, indeed, you saw his image appear on the reflection as well, as he stood behind you, locking eyes with you through the mirror. Hesitantly, you raised your eyebrows, expecting a teasing comment to be spoken but he didn’t say anything, he didn’t even move; he just stood there, hands tuck in the pockets of his black dress pants, scanning your figure, making you hyperaware.

It wasn’t fair, you thought, that he could look this good with just a navy dress shirt tucked into his dress pants. It was so simple yet he looked so… Good. You groaned. You had put so much effort into looking, at least, presentable and here he was, looking effortlessly immaculate.

“Beautiful”. He mumbled, pursing his lips on a thin, discrete smile. You sighed, closing your eyes and letting your head fall forward for a millisecond as you tried to regain your composure. You didn’t deserve him. You turned around, patting his shoulder and walking past him to grab your clutch.

“I know, let’s go”. You half yelled from the living room as he walked back out there to meet you. He crooked an eyebrow teasingly, as he always did when he was with you.

“And so humble, what a great combination”. He scoffed, taking your hand in his and leading you out. You stifled a laugh as you rolled your eyes, slamming the front door of your apartment close. Even if it was for a fleeting moment, you were grateful you two had found your way to your usual teasing coexistence.

“I learned from the most humble of all humans on Earth”. Your sarcasm overflowed. As baffled as you were, you still had it in you to hold a decent, sarcastic conversation with him and you were grateful to forget about everything, even if it was for now.

You got in Sehun’s car silently, putting your purse over your legs, suddenly self-conscious of the amount of skin you were showing. It wasn’t a slutty dress in any way but you just weren’t used to using skirts, or dresses for that matter, so wearing an asymmetrical, skin-tight black dress that exposed your right shoulder, had a single sheer sleeve and fell right above your knee was definitely a risqué move for you.

“Are the others there already? Do you know?” You mumbled after a few minutes in silence. Sehun scrunched up his nose almost imperceptibly but not enough.

“They were already on their way when I left to pick you up, so I guess they’re there already. Why?” As much as he tried to mask his voice with a gentle tone, you knew he was a bit upset. Why? You had no idea.

“Just wondering”. You mumbled again, tearing your eyes away from him and you proceeded to look out of the window, noticing how fog was starting to fell upon the city. You shivered, slapping yourself for not grabbing a coat on your way out but it was too late now.

Sehun didn’t bother speaking up again, he just turned up the volume of the R&B tunes that blew from his speakers. You were glad but also partially disappointed.

You didn’t plan to be in this situation, and you weren’t thinking about the love triangle but perhaps that played a huge part as well, but you didn’t plan to be stuck in an early holiday party thrown by the magazine you worked at with not only Sehun and the guys but also Hayoon who you had willingly invited. Probably out of penance but you did it anyways. You couldn’t help yourself when you saw her looking down that day at the unfamiliar diner as you hid from the rest of the world.

You pitied Hayoon, even when you were probably the indirect main cause of her suffering, you pitied her and you hated yourself a bit more with each day that passed by. You knew you had to put a stop to everything but you still weren’t sure how you could do it.

You opened the door carefully once Sehun parked around the corner of the hotel where the party was being held. He rushed to your side, offering a hand for you to take. Knowing him, he’d probably make fun of your way of walking with heels on but you weren’t sure anymore because he had been strangely silent since the moment he stepped into your apartment to pick you up.

You couldn’t blame him, though; you had it coming after saying such heartless things to him the other day.

“Wouldn’t want to ruin your looks which would definitely happen if you fell flat on your face. Hold on tight”. Sehun mumbled, looking straight ahead as he walked beside you until you entered the fancy looking hotel. You stared at him, not so discretely, trying to figure out why he was acting this way but you couldn’t read past his neutral expression. You hated not knowing what was going inside that head of his. You never thought you’d be so frustrated over Sehun –not in a sexual manner, at least– and here you were.

You knew, the moment the thought crossed your mind that it was going to be yet another one of your precarious decisions, but you would’ve done anything to break the uncomfortable silence as you waited for the elevator to come down. Your hand was trapped in his tightly. For once, your hands were not sweating profusely; you didn’t know if it was because you felt strangely calm or if it was because you were starting to feel sad but whatever the reason was behind it, you appreciated it and then you let your word vomit take over you.

“It’s probably too late to ask you about this, but… We never really talked about Sunhee and you. You know everything involving my feelings for Chanyeol but I don’t know anything about Sunhee…” Ah, yes, what a wonderful idea you had.

“What do you want to know?” Sehun asked, voice dry, barely a whisper. You gulped, nervously. That was a great question. You wanted to know everything.

“What made you dislike her so much as to seek revenge?” You were fully aware that your voice was so weak it was barely audible but you didn’t have it in you to speak louder. You were embarrassed and regretful.

“She hurt me”. Sehun replied bluntly. You didn’t want to push but at the same time you wanted more than just that. You hummed, pursing your red lips. “I was blinded by her, foolishly in love, you might say. She was bright and I was dark, she made me feel like I was on cloud 9 and then she took advantage of that and hurt me. She built my hopes up and then tore them apart when she cheated on me and then excused herself by saying that we never really were exclusive but she continued being around me and I let her because I didn’t want to lose what felt like a ray of sunlight…”

You looked up at Sehun, amazed. Not in a good way, of course. You were amazed that he was opening up to you, even in this situation. You were amazed because you never thought he could ever feel that way about someone, especially someone as vile as Sunhee. You didn’t know what it was that made him fall head over heels for her; to you, even at first sight, she appeared fake and repulsive.

“She hurt me when I found her making out with another guy around the corner of her house and she hurt me with her coldblooded words but she kept reaching out to me and I caved to her because I didn’t know better than that. When she called I was there, when she held my hand: I let her, when she hugged me, I hugged her back, when she kissed me and asked for more: I was there at her mercy. Until we went out to a party and she kept dancing with other guys, making out with other guys right in front of me. It didn’t matter if we arrived together or not, the fact that we came there hand in hand didn’t matter to her and that’s when I knew I had had enough, because I felt not only my heart being cruelly ripped from my chest but I also felt every other part of me crumbling down and so I became her reflection. I did everything she did and used people to my convenience but I never felt satisfied like she did. I always felt miserable and then I realized she had destroyed me and that I couldn’t continue on like that”.

You gulped, tearing your eyes away from him, trying to blink back the tears that threatened to fall down your cheeks and ruin your poor excuse of a face full of make up. That was a lie, you just didn’t want to cry in front of Sehun; you didn’t want him to feel as if you pitied him. You were felt like crying because you felt like you were becoming Sunhee, hurting him like she had done.

The elevator dinged, startling you, but you stepped in it nonetheless, with Sehun trailing right behind you, a hand hovering over your waist, still looking out for you.

You thought that was the end of the story; you assumed that had been enough opening up for Sehun but he spoke up again, making you widen your eyes and look up at him one more time. He was looking down at his shoes without blinking, hands turned to fists in the confines of his pockets.

“If I came up with this plan, it wasn’t to seek revenge… If that’s what you always thought I was doing. I already went through that phase and it didn’t do anything for me. If I came up with this plan was to help you out, more than anything, because I know how Chanyeol’s mind and heart work… But I also came up with this plan to show Sunhee that I could be genuinely happy and complete without her. I wanted to show her that she was nothing but a bump along the road for me and that she didn’t completely break me. When I saw her again, after a long time, that night I was walking you back home after dinner… That night I realized that, above all, I didn’t want her to see me bummed; I wanted her to know that I was whole and better without her. I realized that she had brought me down to boost herself up but I also realized that I was at my best when I was around you, even if we had just practically met… So I realized I wanted to help you out as well, see you happy, even if it was with a stupid, childish plan”.

Sehun had a huge heart. Sehun’s heart was so big that it could hold so many great emotions without showcasing it; without realizing it. Sehun’s heart was so pure that it was intoxicating; you realized that now, so intoxicating it was winning you over without intending to do so. You let out a sigh.

Your eyes never left him, you felt tears building up in the corners of your eyes again but you didn’t shake them away this time, you just let them be. One, because you were truly moved by how great Sehun was but also because you felt small, insignificant and awful standing next to him. You felt like Sunhee and you hated that.

The elevator dinged again, announcing that you had arrived at the top floor where everyone was already waiting but you didn’t want to go anymore, you just wanted to stay with Sehun and hug him until his sorrows disappeared. And hopefully, along the way, yours’ would too.

“Let’s go, everyone’s waiting for you”. He finally looked up and locked eyes with you, probably noticing your tears but he didn’t mention them, he just smiled at you and intertwined his fingers with yours, leading you out until you met Jongin, Minseok and, of course, Chanyeol and Hayoon. If the situation were to be different, if this had happened months ago, you would’ve felt disgusted and extremely heartbroken at the sight of Hayoon and Chanyeol but now you didn’t. You felt heartbroken for different reasons that had nothing to do with jealousy.

You felt heartbroken when Sehun told you his story and partially admitted his feelings and you felt even more miserable when you saw the usually bubbly Hayoon, standing still next to Chanyeol with her arms crossed shyly over her body as Chanyeol stood next to her with his hands tucked in his pockets. You felt like a wicked witch, ruining everyone’s lives over a stupid schoolgirl crush.

“Hey, there she is, finally!” Jongin shouted, extending his arms at you and engulfing you in a warm hug. You loved Jongin and his ability to lighten your mood even in the worst of scenarios. You smiled shyly, hugging him back and patting his back a couple times before letting go. Minseok greeted you next, in a more collected manner, of course, immediately handing you a glass of sparkling wine, to which you nodded gratefully.

“Thank you for coming, all of you”. You gulped down the lump in your throat as your eyes landed on Hayoon, who smiled timidly for a second before going back to her previous, collected, stance. You whined, internally, thinking you might as well be the bigger person in this situation.

You stepped forward, engulfing her in a tight hug. You could feel, not only Sehun’s eyes on you, but also Chanyeol’s. “Thank you for coming, I really appreciate you being here”. You whispered, loud enough for her to hear. She let out a breathless laugh.

“That’s the least I could do”. She smiled at you when you finally separated, you offered her the best smile you could, trying to put aside your guilt and other lousy feelings. And then you looked at Chanyeol and you felt the ground underneath you crumble. Your legs trembled; you were scared of them caving in, making you fall down to your knees. His eyes were blank, he didn’t show any trace of emotion; no anger, no resentment, no happiness; he was just there, staring at you but at the same time not.

“Thank you for coming, Chanyeol”. You mumbled again, voice trembling, hoping no one noticed, and no one did, really. They were too immersed in their own conversation already. Chanyeol nodded, patting your shoulder as he forced out a crooked smirk. This was the first time you had direct contact with him after that night. You felt something inside of you break.

“Anything for you, you know that”. He said before pursing his lips again. You smiled at him, trying to ease the tension but it was no use so you took a deep breath and turned around as you excused yourself and went to greet your coworkers but most importantly, your bosses. You hated social interactions, that was a given, but at that point in life, you were willing to do anything to escape the uneasiness you had carelessly brought upon your group of friends.

After saying hi to every member of the magazine, you had small talk with a few of them, the ones you were closest to but even when you tried to fully focus on the words leaving their mouths and laugh along to their jokes, from time to time, you couldn’t help but look through the corner of your eye to where your friends were standing.

From a few meters, everything seemed alright but you knew better. Even when Chanyeol was leaning over a table, elbows resting on the surface of it and dark brown hair falling carelessly over his eyebrows as he smiled at whatever Jongin was saying, even when Sehun laughed too, eyes turning to crescent moons, even when they seemed truly happy, you knew they weren’t and you wondered if their lives would be better without you in them.

Maybe, you thought, you had ruined them. Maybe it would’ve been better if you had never talked to Chanyeol on that first day, maybe it would’ve been better if you had ignored his first text. Everything would’ve probably been better if you had kept your distance from them and just found another group of friends from your journalism classes or from your job. It would’ve been easier, less painful.

Chanyeol looked over his shoulder, momentarily locking eyes with you and you froze in place. He smiled at you, sincerely this time, dimple making its appearance and you couldn’t help but smile back. It was a Chanyeol thing, even when things were more complicated than they had ever been; Chanyeol’s smile still could elicit a smile of your own.

“Hey, let’s get to it before everyone’s drunk beyond belief”. Your boss joked, draping her arm over your shoulders and dragging you onto the center of the room. Every single one of your co-workers followed suit behind you two and your social anxiety replaced your emotional one. Great.

You tried to stir away from the spotlight as much as you could, tried to hide yourself behind your boss as she took the microphone and started thanking everyone for their presence and support for the magazine.

You were finally starting to regain composure until she started thanking every member of the team individually and since you were the one that was right by her side, it meant you’d be the last. Exactly what you needed. You bit the inside of your cheek, scanning the room full of people but at the same time trying to avoid eye contact with both Sehun and Chanyeol but you failed, like always, at everything you ever attempted to do.

Both men offered you small smiles and your heart gave a thump but at that moment, you weren’t sure who was the main reason behind it.

“And this young lady right here”. Your boss’ voice and her hand over your shoulder brought you back to reality. You widened your eyes, looking up at her, which was something apparently funny because most of the people there laughed, you weren’t sure why. You probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

“She’s the most recent addition to our team but we wouldn’t have been able to wrap this year as successfully as we did without her. She brought a new, refreshing set of ideas to our team, a young leader who will do great things not only for this magazine but for everyone around her and for every company she may go to in the future, although, honestly, I hope she never leaves us”. You tried to smile but you were far too nervous to do so, so you just pursed your lips, feeling a blush creeping on to your cheeks and looked down at your feet, fidgeting with your fingers as well.

When your boss was done with her acknowledgments and everyone started clapping, you followed their lead and finally looked up again. Seeing Sehun smiling up at you sweetly as he slowly clapped. Your breathing hitched and as you all dispersed, you took it as your chance to sprint towards the bathroom and have a little pep-talk with yourself.

You wanted to say you had no idea what was going on in both your head and your heart but unfortunately, or maybe not, you knew better than that. You now knew what was going on and you were trying to figure out a way to fix things and make everything go back to normal but that was going to be a difficult task because it didn’t matter what path you chose, there was always someone who was going to end up hurting and that was the last thing you wanted; you realized it now.

You pushed the door open aggressively as you stumbled over the sink, looking at your reflection in the mirror again. It had been a couple hours since you saw your own image and even when on the outside everything remained the same; it was your insides that had given an 180-degree turn.

You couldn’t believe how childish and immature you had been to agree on to Sehun’s plan. Sehun’s plan was more selfless than you had initially believed it to be. In reality he was doing it for you and for your well-being and he had thrown himself onto the mix to get a least a bit of a reward out of it but, as he had admitted, the main reason was you.

Sehun was so selfless and caring towards you since the beginning and you had been too self-centered to notice. Your mind had been too clouded, thinking of Chanyeol, to notice. And now, here you were. Regretting hurting Hayoon, an innocent soul, regretting messing up with Chanyeol’s feelings and regretting not caring for Sehun since the start of it all.

If you had been bare faced, you would’ve splashed cold water onto your face but you opted to just wash your hands and put them over your burning hot neck in a soothing manner.

You pulled the door open, ready to go back to whatever was waiting for you out there but you never expected to bump into someone’s torso on the way out.

“You have a thing for disappearing, don’t you?” Chanyeol’s voice made you look up, eyes as wide as they had been in the span of a few hours. You gulped as your eyes met each other. Even when his behavior was cold as ice, you still felt the familiar warmth that came along whenever you heard his voice. “I need to talk to you”. You pursed your lips, not sure what to expect, so now here you were, feeling lost and scared that it would have something to do with the kiss that you shared and with what Hayoon had told you the other day. You were scared he would admit to breaking things off with her.

Her words resonated inside your head. You didn’t realize you had memorized them so perfectly. _Things between us are not great. I feel like he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore so I’m scared this will end soon and it’ll be my fault. I’ve never known something else other than Chanyeol. He’s my first and only love, you know?_

You nodded slowly, lips still pursed, worried beyond belief. Chanyeol stepped aside, leaning his back against the wall right next to the bathroom door. What a weird scenery, you thought.

“Haven’t you felt like things are changing lately, more so than before?” He mumbled, hands still inside his pockets, eyes lost as he stared intently at the dim lit ceiling. If only he knew, you thought to yourself. You didn’t say anything and just mimicked his posture as you leaned your back against the wall as well. “I know that it’s partly my fault, probably… Or maybe it’s completely my fault and I’m just too stubborn to admit it, who knows?” He mumbled. It felt as if he was talking to himself more than to you so you just let him continue without interruptions. Wherever his thoughts were going, you hoped it wasn’t the direction you feared because you weren’t prepared to handle that yet.

When the silence prevailed, you knew he was waiting for you to say something so you took a deep breath and spoke up. “Well, you are pretty stubborn if I do say so myself”. You forced out a smile, not looking at him but clearly feeling his glance scanning your face before letting out a dry laugh.

“Right… I mean, I don’t want this to sound like I’m blaming everything on you because that’s not what I’m doing at all, I promise, it’s just… Well, I wanted to explain myself… Everything sort of turned around since I met you and then even more when Sehun and you started dating, I guess I just wasn’t expecting that, but I already told you this before, didn’t I?” Chanyeol continued talking, pursing his lips before chewing on his bottom lip. You just nodded, remembering your previous serious conversation on the day everything got even more complicated than it already was and definitely even more than you were expecting.

Another pair of minutes passed. You had no idea what else you were supposed to do or say because you didn’t know what Chanyeol expected from you, so you just stood there, trying to bask in his warmth but not lose yourself in it completely.

“I was surprised when Hayoon told me you had invited her here; I thought you didn’t get along, especially after I told you about my feelings and I… well, you know… Kissed you. And maybe saying this will make me an awful person overall but I was a bit disappointed. I expected to spend time with you, foolish, I know, since I was well aware that Sehun was obviously going to be here but I hoped he’d get distracted with Jongin and Minseok and maybe that would’ve given me a window to be with you”.

You almost choked on your own saliva when you heard the words come out of his mouth. You wanted to choke and die and probably cry your eyes out in the process.

“Then I realized I was being an awful human being for not only jeopardizing my relationship but also dragging Hayoon along just because I’m sure of how you feel… I’m a disgusting man for wanting to spend time with you so badly when it’s not my place to do so… You don’t have to say anything, I just wanted to get it out of my system because… Well, somewhere along the way, things changed and I found myself thinking more about you and you with Sehun than of Hayoon, my own girlfriend… I’m sure you know this bit by now”. Chanyeol laughed breathlessly. Shaking his own head as he looked down at his feet.

Your heart was crumbling down. You felt like you were crumbling down altogether. You wanted to cry and you felt worse than before. This was what you always wanted, right? This right here, Chanyeol openly admitting he liked you; Chanyeol leaving Hayoon. This is what you wanted then why did you feel so miserable? Your eyes were glued to Chanyeol, trying to figure out a way to repair everything and everyone.

You weren’t thinking of yourself anymore. Finally, for once, you had stopped being selfish but it was too late to backtrack now.

Chanyeol finally looked at you, eyes gleaming with what you assumed were tears. He was the reflection of the feelings you didn’t want to show. He pursed his lips onto a tight smile, dimple appearing yet again, inducing your heartache.

“Don’t look at me like that. This is not your fault”. He tried to comfort you, even after everything, he still tried to make you feel better. He didn’t know but that was a lie, it was all your fault so him taking the blame only made things worse. He put a hand to your cheek and your breathing stopped. You had to reboot your entire system after his actions, you were afraid you might, literally, break down.

He leaned down and you didn’t know what to expect. Was he going for it again, at such a public setting? Where everyone, including Hayoon and Sehun might see?

A part of you wanted to close your eyes and just let it be but the other part drifted back to the other two parties involved. You couldn’t do this to either of them. You worries dissipated when Chanyeol pressed a chaste kiss to your cheek and walked away with his head down, passing by a confused looking Sehun along the way. You were stuck in place; your body and mind had ceased functioning. You couldn’t even call yourself a robot; you were just an unfinished statue now, incomplete and utterly immobile. Emotionless, cold.

Sehun walked over to where you were standing, your eyes lost somewhere at the end of the dimlit hallway. If he was going to the bathroom or if he actually came looking for you, you didn’t know but he was standing by your side now.

“I probably shouldn’t ask something that’s obvious, especially when you’re ready to jump at my throat whenever I ask the question but, is everything okay?” He mumbled, leaning closer to you. Even when you couldn’t move, his voice sent shivers up and down your body, even if you didn’t want to feel that way, you did.

“No”. You managed to blurt out, after concentrating all of your strength on your vocal chords. You were afraid if you moved any more, everything around you would combust, you were afraid everything would go downhill due to your foolish decisions. Even more so than it already had.

Sehun pursed his lips, assessing you from head to toe. On the outside everything was the same, it was the internal chaos that was bringing you down but it was Sehun, he could see right through you.

The warmth of his hand surprised you, finally making you look at him and then down at your hands, which were now intertwined. Sehun felt safe, in the midst of it all, he turned out to be the only one able to bring you back. Sehun was your home, receiving you with arms wide open and a warm chamomile tea to help you relax.

You wanted to scare away the tears that were clouding your vision but everything was in vain, nothing was really going as expected, but then again, what expectations did you have in the first place?

As a single tear snuck out from your eye and rolled down your cheek, Sehun caught it with his index finger and wiped it away with a small, condescending smile adorning his face.

“I’ll take you home”. He mumbled as he engulfed you in a tight hug, one hand place at the back of your head, caressing your hair. You pressed your face to the crook of his neck, taking in the scent of his subtle cologne as you let the rest of your tears fall down, probably staining his navy dress shirt but he didn’t flinch, he didn’t scold you or teased you, he just held you in place until you were calm enough to walk away.

You didn’t have it in you to turn away to say goodbye to your friends on your way out, you knew it probably seemed rude of you but you didn’t have the strength to see Chanyeol again, let alone to see Hayoon suffering in a corner because of you. You didn’t have it in you to face the reality that was dawning upon you, even when Sehun turned around slightly to wave them goodbye and probably mouth something to them, you didn’t move, your body felt heavy; your heart felt heavier.

You were worse than Sunhee could ever be and you felt awful. Your body was acting on autopilot, following Sehun’s footsteps until you got to his car and he helped you get into it. The furthest part of your mind knew that you were making everything worse by staying quiet on the way back but you didn’t know what to say. You hated being the instigator of awkward silences but you knew you wouldn’t be able to talk at all. Your throat had completely closed down; lump at the back of it so heavy it pained you. Everything hurt yet, at the same time, you didn’t feel anything. You were numbed by the excruciating pain.

You knew Sehun was stealing glances from time to time, you knew that because you knew him. You knew he was probably worried, even when he was hurting as well, he still cared; he cared so much he let you be for as long as you needed.

He stood by your side and held your hand silently as you walked into your building and stepped onto the elevator. He walked by your side until you reached your front door and he even helped you unlock it. He trailed behind you until you were in your bedroom and sat down at the edge of your bed, kicking away your heels in frustration.

He stood, silently in front of you until you finally collapsed and started sobbing. He kneeled in front of you, putting his hands over your knees. You didn’t have it in you to look at him but you knew he had a concerned look on his face, you could feel it. Everything Sehun felt, you were able to feel as well, you didn’t know why but you did and if it was the same with him, you were sorry he was feeling your immense self pity and crushing guilt.

His hands squeezed your knees, inviting you to look at him but you still didn’t want to. You probably looked like a huge mess; you felt like a huge, disgusting mess.

“Hey, look at me”. He whispered. You shook your head lightly. “Please”.

It caught you off guard. Sehun rarely pleaded and yet here he was again, making your broken heart give a thump. Reluctantly, you looked at him, wiping the tears off your face furiously with the back of your hands.

“What happened?” Sehun asked, raising his eyebrows. The lump in your throat came back with even more force than before. You found it hard to breathe, you fought for air; your lungs burned.

“I’m awful”. You choked out, voice an octave higher than usual due to the overflowing tears and prominent lump. “I fucked everything up. I’m selfish and disgusting and I should’ve known better. I’m worse than Sunhee so you shouldn’t even be here right now”.

Sehun let out a dry laugh, shaking his head. He gave another squeeze to your knees, trying to calm you down. It was useless, though.

“I hurt Chanyeol, I hurt Hayoon. All because I was selfish and couldn’t think of anyone but me. I destroyed a perfectly fine relationship over my stupid infatuation. I’m self-absorbed and inconsiderate and you shouldn’t be around me. I’m glad you’re here but that’s also selfish so you should leave”. Your sobs were so loud you were surprised he could even understand what you were saying. He stood up and took a seat beside you, putting a hand over your body, letting you rest your head over his shoulder.

He let you cry until you had calmed yourself down. Sehun didn’t say anything else he just remained by your side, which was probably what you needed the most. If you had been alone, you would’ve probably cried all night long. He had a calming effect on you, as if he absorbed all your sadness and turned it into a soothing feeling.

“Let’s get you to bed”. Sehun pursed his lips onto a gentle smile, you blinked slowly as you watched him get up and fish out a giant shirt from one of your drawers.

“I’m going to help you change so don’t punch me, okay? I promise I won’t make a move on you… Unless you want me to”. He clicked his tongue, eliciting a scoff from you. It felt strange, expressing a feeling that wasn’t sorrowful but you appreciated Sehun’s attempts to make you smile, even when you knew you didn’t deserve them, so you just let him be.

He slipped your dress over your head, immediately putting the shirt over your head and helped you get your arms in the sleeves. This was the way a disabled person was supposed to be assisted and you wondered if you looked lost and invalid in his eyes. Probably. If you felt it, then Sehun would most definitely be aware. It was the way he worked.

Sehun squatted in front of you so he was eye level with you. He searched for your eyes persistently until you caved in and looked back at him. He tucked your hair behind your ear.

“You’re nothing like Sunhee, don’t say that again. You’re not an awful person and you’re not selfish either. Just you, being here, all messed up because you feel like everyone’s hurting because of you, shows that you care about everyone more than you care for yourself, so don’t say that ever again, at least not in front of me because I’ll get mad for real this time”. Sehun said with a soothing voice, hand cupping your jaw.

You pursed your lips onto a thin, weak smile.

“Thank you for not hating me”. You mumbled as another sob threatened to escape from your lips.

Sehun smiled warmly at you, leaning down to press a quick kiss to the corner of your lips. Your stomach gave a turn, your eyes fluttered shut, basking in his presence.

“I could never. Now get some rest. I’ll be here if you need anything”. He smiled again before turning around and making his way out of your room.

Sehun had become your safe place, even when you were sure you didn’t deserve him to be. Sehun had become much more than you were expecting. Sehun was home, Sehun was calm, Sehun was soothing.

You were sure of only one thing at that moment, as you let your head hit your pillows and started feeling your eyelids getting heavier, you were sure you didn’t want to lose Sehun.

_________________________


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Lots of Angst. Mentions of self-hate, hints of depression. Strong language.

Your blank, boring ceiling suddenly was the most interesting thing you had ever laid eyes on. You had been awake for what felt like hours now but you still didn’t feel like moving. You felt hangover even when you barely drank two glasses of sparkling wine the night before. Your head pounded, you felt nauseous and most of all, your throat and chest were burning.

You knew they weren’t burning because of the alcohol you had consumed, you knew they weren’t burning because of the cold weather outside either, you knew they burned because your heart was broken. Tears rimmed the edges of your eyes before flowing freely down your cheeks as you remained in the same position, just staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out how to proceed.

The light coming through your blinds was bright and cold toned, a sign that winter was upon you. Funny, you thought, how the weather mirrored your current state. Even when your insides physically burned, you felt cold, frozen and dead inside. Your tears felt like ice cubes against your skin, your lips were so chapped that you feared they were blue or probably bleeding by now. You were so selfish that it felt as if your heart had probably been replaced by a huge chunk of ice that didn’t have the right nor the ability to be melted; not even when someone as sweet as Sehun tried hard to do it by assuring you nothing was your fault.

But everything was your fault and now, the stress of trying to figure out how to fix every single one of your mistakes was heavy against your chest, almost cracking your ribs and puncturing your lungs in the process.

You didn’t know what to do next; for the immediate future, for starters. Sehun had said the night before that he’d be there but you didn’t know if he had stayed the whole night, afraid you’d do something stupid, or if he had left and gone back home to get some rest and a breath of fresh air. Liquid guilt had replaced your blood, now your heart was pumping shame and sadness and you felt your body as just an empty, yet heavy, shell; threatening to break if you moved even a centimeter.

You were afraid to go out and see Sehun in your apartment, yet you were also scared to not see him there. You felt as if his absence would be the last straw. Your selfish self hoped he was there, because if you lost Sehun’s support then you really had nothing. Nothing at all. But you also didn’t want to see him there because you didn’t want to keep forcing him into all your twisted situations, bad decisions induced by your insecurity and indecisiveness.

But you knew that, sooner or later, you had to face him and come clean to him about everything. Sehun had opened up to you, making your heart clench at the beginning and then beat at a thousand miles per hour. Sehun had poured his thoughts and feelings to you and he deserved you did the same, but why were you so afraid to admit to him that the plan had worked? Why were you terrified of admitting that Chanyeol had kissed you and confessed his feelings? Why were you scared reckless to hurt Sehun?

Because you loved him.

You wanted to convince yourself that you were just attached because he had become your shoulder to cry on, that unconditional person who stayed by your side through thick and thin; you wanted to convince yourself that you loved him just as a friend and that your heart beat for him only because you felt physically attracted to him but you didn’t have it in you to lie to yourself anymore –actually, to continue lying to everyone, for that matter–. You loved Sehun but he deserved better than just a confused mess as you were.

You were unlovable and you felt repulsive. At first you wondered what was it that you had with unrequited love. At first, when you started having –and denying– your feelings for Sehun, you wondered what was it about you that was so repulsive to everyone. You couldn’t fathom anyone could ever love you. You never thought Chanyeol would reciprocate your feelings, you never thought you’d be Sehun’s type and yet here you were.

Unrequited love would’ve been better, you thought, maybe it’d would’ve been better to suffer in silence, all by yourself, yet now, here you were, making everyone suffer, including yourself.

You let out a heavy sigh, letting the rest of your tears fall down your face before drying them with the back of your hand. Your bones ached, as well; your whole body was in pain because your mind and heart were both destroyed.

Struggling, you sat at the edge of the bed, staring at your feet as you tried to muster strength to go out and face what was, or probably wasn’t, there.

If Sehun was there, you knew your heart was going to ache in remorse. If Sehun wasn’t there, you were going to crumble down, knowing that you had lost the only person that cared for you even when you knew you were disgusting. If Sehun wasn’t there, your heart was going to break even more, knowing that it had lost the love that it had just recognized; that it had lost the last ray of reassuring sunlight.

You brushed your fingers through your messy hair as you dragged your feet to your bedroom door, hand hesitating over the handle, still unsure of what was to come. You took a deep breath, finally opening the barrier between your dark, sorrowful cave and the bright lightning of the rest of your apartment.

Everything looked exactly as you had left it, or at least as you remembered it from the night before. Your couch still had the scattered cushions all over and a crumpled up blanket on the furthest armrest. You sighed, feeling a crack making its strong appearance on your heart. You rubbed your eyes as you felt the lump in your throat coming back, slowly… painfully.

It took ages for you to start moving again, after overanalyzing everything in your foyer and living room. Hoping that you’d find his car keys, maybe his wallet or his shoes laying around somewhere but nothing was on sight. You walked painfully slowly towards your kitchen, trying to remember if you still had coffee in your cabinet or not. You prayed that you did, otherwise, you would function even less than you already were.

You got to your kitchen and stared mindlessly at your table, sporting a couple of plates on top of it. You didn’t remember if you had left them there previously but you just shrugged it off and ignored it. It didn’t matter anymore. You started your coffeemaker, grateful that at least that was still working out for you. Coffee. You couldn’t hurt coffee in any way and coffee would never make you feel guilty, heartbroken or just plainly awful with yourself.

Your eyes were glued to the hot, dark liquid. You counted the drops that poured into the jar. It was the only thing that could distract you from your pessimistic thoughts. And even then, tears still rimmed your eyes and clouded your vision. You were so immersed in your coffee, trying to forget and ignore everything around you that you missed the noise coming from your front door, being totally startled when you felt someone coming up behind you.

“What a shame, I thought I was going to make it back before you woke up but then again, you always do the least expected thing”. Sehun’s voice made your hurt heart beat and ache at the same time. Your breathing got heavier remembering the reason why you felt so sorry towards him.

His figure stood tall next to you as he rested his back against the counter, the same counter you were gripping so tightly that your knuckles were white. Through the corner of your eyes you could see him still sporting his attire from last night so that meant he probably stayed the night there. Taking care of you from the distance. Your breathing hitched.

“What are you still doing here?” Your voice was barely a whisper, your vocal chords hurt, your throat was struggling to expand and form the words but it managed to do so, somehow. You weren’t sure, but you suspected you sounded broken because that’s exactly how you felt.

Sehun let out a deep breath, resting a hand on your shoulder as he turned around to place some bags on the counter. His hand was hot and even when he was there with you, you already missed him beyond belief; more than you thought you could miss something, or someone, ever.

“I told you that I was going to be here, so that’s what I’m doing, I’m being here”. You finally built up the strength to look at him with your tear rimmed, probably swollen and reddened eyes. “And I went out to buy breakfast because you don’t have anything to cook in here. There’s just coffee, potato chips, water and a half empty cookie packet”. Sehun huffed, granting you a side smile as he proceeded to take out the containers from the bags he was holding.

You took a second to look at him, _really_ look at him. He looked so precious even after that not-so-pleasant night. He looked wonderful even with his sleeves rolled up and shirt slightly buttoned-down and untucked. His hair, even when slightly messy, still looked luscious and you asked yourself why was life so unfair? Why was he so good-looking and put together even after the atrocious night.

You groaned, tearing your eyes away from him to concentrate on the coffeemaker again. It was unfair that you were hurting such a great man. It was unfair that you were being so awful but it was also unfair to drag him along onto something that was way beneath him. He deserved better than someone who chose to hurt people to her own advantage.

“I haven’t had time to go grocery shopping, excuse me”. You mumbled, trying to count the drops of coffee again. You didn’t want to be obvious as to how amazingly awful you were feeling, and you would’ve done anything to mask the numbness on your voice, but it was nearly impossible to do so. Regardless, Sehun would’ve known you were lying to both yourself and him.

“I excuse you, don’t torture yourself over it”. He mumbled, trying to hold back a dry laugh as he walked back and forth between the table and the counter, placing his purchases in a seemingly organized manner.

Easy for him to say.

“Stop stabbing that poor coffeemaker with your stare and sit down. You need some nutrients”. You snapped your head in his direction when you felt his hand taking yours, warm and comforting. Undeserved yet completely welcomed.

He gave your hand a squeeze as he tugged you towards the table. He sat down in front of you and crossed his arms over his chest, watching you intently as you tossed around the scrambled eggs with your fork before taking a hesitant bite. You were expecting him to question you, ask you what had happen for you to be in such a shameful, distressed state but no words left his mouth, which only led to your anxiety increasing by the minute.

The oppression of his heavy stare made you cave and stop playing with your food as you started taking decent-sized bites, looking down, trying to avoid eye contact. You couldn’t handle the heartbreak of looking at him straight in the eye.

The screeching sound of his chair moving made you flinch, the silence in the room was so heavy that you could hear a pin drop, only partially filled by your breathing. Your favorite mug appeared in front of your eyes, filled with steaming coffee and you wondered how he knew that was your favorite one. It was probably just a coincidence, you thought, but with Sehun, you were never sure.

You engulfed the cup between your freezing hands, basking in its warmth before taking a hesitant sip and looking up at him through your eyelashes, even more hesitantly. He had his elbows propped on the cold surface of your table as he stared at you, mindlessly munching on a waffle.

“Aren’t you going to ask me anything?” You mumbled, not really knowing where that came from. Yes, you were anxious due to his silence, but you were still on the fence about coming clean.

“I don’t want to ask anything unless you’re willing to share, so let me ask you this… Are you willing to?” He raised a single eyebrow as he sipped on his own cup of coffee, slightly scrunching his nose at the bitter taste, before putting the cup back down.

You took a deep breath, raising your eyebrows slightly but nodding, almost imperceptibly. But Sehun noticed, of course, he always did.

“What happened?” He asked, leaning back down against his chair as he scrutinized you, nibbling on his bottom lip for a couple seconds. “And I don’t mean just what happened last night? What has been going on with you lately? Why are you more absent than normal? Why aren’t you bickering with me as usual? Why do tears rim your eyes almost twenty-four-seven?”

It was stupidly comical, you thought, how tears reappeared in your eyes just as Sehun mentioned them. It was stupid and so ridiculous that it almost made you laugh.

You took a deep breath, leaning back on your chair as well, mimicking his posture but never putting your cup of coffee down. Its presence between the palms of your hands reassured you, as if telling you that you had to be strong, that you _had_ to tell him.

You cleared your throat before speaking up. Your chest clenched in anticipation. Whatever reaction was Sehun going to have, you didn’t know, but you were scared and wary, regardless.

“I met Chanyeol the other night”. You mumbled through gritted teeth. Sehun didn’t move, he didn’t say anything, he probably didn’t even blink. “And I talked to Hayoon after that… You could say, I wasn’t expecting either of those encounters”.

Your heart pounded rapidly inside your chest, your heart was scared and you were completely terrified of continuing because that meant that you could potentially loose Sehun, which, much to your surprise, was something you didn’t want to go through.

His silence forced you to continue, not because you wanted to but because the silence was so heavy that you felt as if the oxygen in the room was running out, escaping from this God-awful situation, much like you wanted to do yourself.

“I accidentally ran into Chanyeol the other night, he said that he was considering breaking up with Hayoon… Then I rant into Hayoon and she said they weren’t doing okay, that the spark on Chanyeol’s eyes was gone…” You tried to swallow the lump in your throat with a big gulp of coffee, which was futile. You looked up from your beverage to him as a shiver ran up and down your spine.

It was the Sehun effect. Especially when he had such a serious, stoic expression.

“Chanyeol said he was having feelings for someone else and that he felt guilty for hurting Hayoon over that…” As every slurred word left your lips, you felt your heart growing heavier because you knew you were getting closer to admitting your kiss with Sehun’s best friend.

You locked eyes with him, directly this time, trying to build up courage to continue on but it was all in vane. His eyes were cold, emotionless as he watched you talk. It hurt you that you weren’t able to read him; you wanted to know what he was thinking, what he was feeling; you wanted to know if he had figured out where you were going with this and if he was hurting as much as you were.

Maybe not as much.

“It was late and cold and neither of us could sleep on that night so we went out for a walk and we happened to bump into each other; that’s when he told me all of this. He walked me back home and…” You tried to clear your throat as you picked at your own cuticles. “He said that the person he was having feelings for was his best friend’s girlfriend”. Your voice was becoming a slurred whisper. Feeling weak, you had to look away and you stared through the window, trying to distract yourself with the few snowflakes that were starting to fall.

Sehun huffed but didn’t say anything. He remained in the same position, still waiting for you to continue. Somehow, he knew you weren’t done telling your story. You hated him for it, for him to be able to read you when you weren’t able to reciprocate it. You hated him for knowing you so perfectly well.

Somehow his stare was heavier, more piercing than before. You didn’t know it was possible until you felt your heart clench even more and your palms started sweating. You were ashamed, you felt bad. You were torn between looking at him and looking down. You didn’t want to face his expression yet you felt like you needed to memorize his face, in case he decided he didn’t want to be around you anymore.

You wouldn’t blame him if he decided on it. You would understand where he was coming from. You deserved it but that didn’t mean you wanted it.

And so you slowly turned your head in his direction one more time, putting your cup down on the table and swiping your clammy hands on your oversized shirt. Your eyes were darting all over the place, at your half-eaten breakfasts, at your cup of coffee, at Sehun’s torso with its stable and deep breathing.

You bit the inside of your cheek as your eyes finally settled on his face. There was a hint of emotion in it, finally, yet, you still were unsure if it was anger or sadness what you were seeing.

“Chanyeol kissed me… And I kissed him back. What happened last night was… you could say it was the consequence of that”. You spoke so quickly that your words were probably being mushed together, unintelligible, but you knew Sehun would be able to understand you perfectly.

You felt foolish. As soon as your words left your mouth, you felt dumb. Putting it into words made the situation sound less complicated than it actually was. _He kissed me_. That was such a simple phrase, something anyone could say without it having more implications than just a display of affection but in this situation, you knew, it was way more than that.

It not only meant Chanyeol cheating. It also meant betrayal towards Sehun from you, from Chanyeol. It meant confusion, a confusion your heart wasn’t prepared to deal with yet here it was, being crushed underneath it. It meant indirectly breaking Sehun’s trust. It meant throwing out the window whatever type of bond you had come to build with him.

It meant way more than just a simple kiss. You knew that and you also knew Sehun knew it as well.

After what felt like an eternity of being submerged in silence, with Sehun’s eyes still piercing right through you, he cleared his throat, tearing his eyes away from you, looking out the window, much like you had done just a few minutes ago.

“So that meant the plan worked, huh?” He huffed, letting out a dry laugh. You felt a pang in your thorax. This was what it felt like, being heartbroken. Sudden, constant painful pangs hitting your insides with abnormal strength.

Yes. Sehun was right, in a way the plan had worked, you just didn’t know if this was what you wanted anymore. The plan was to get Chanyeol to fall in love with you but somewhere along the lines, you had fallen for Sehun as well and now you were torn between two different types of love and you didn’t know which way to go.

“I guess”. You murmured. You couldn’t blatantly say that the plan had failed because that would’ve been a lie and you knew, deep down, that if you denied it, it would make Sehun angry or at least upset, that you were denying something that was so obvious.

“Then why are you not jumping up and down in excitement? You wanted Chanyeol for yourself, didn’t you? Why are you not running into his arms, then?” Sehun muttered through gritted teeth as his head turned to you slowly, trying to hide his expression by taking a sip of his own coffee.

You might’ve been numb and emotionless but you weren’t blind. You clearly saw the tension in his jaw and the glisten of his eyes disappearing. You noticed now, how upset he seemed. Still, even in that state, he tried to hide it from you; tried to diminish it to not hurt you even more than you already were.

“I know I should. That’s what I wanted, right?” You stopped for a second and you hoped to get a reaction, a reply out of him but he just stared blankly at you. The concern was gone and now statue Sehun was making its appearance. “But it’s just not as simple anymore… Actually, it never was but I guess I was just too stupid to realize it”. You sighed, trying to blink away the tears. You were tired of crying and it was inhumane the amount of tears that you could produce, nonstop.

“Why?” His question came out of nowhere, after a few minutes of you being immersed in your own mind, trying to figure out a way to lessen the damage that was already done.

“People are hurting because of this”. You scoffed, voice threatening to crack. It was painfully obvious. Sehun himself was hurting as well; he should’ve known that this was the reason why you were so torn.

“Who cares? You’re getting what you wanted. So what if people are hurting if you can be happy?” Sehun’s words burned. Even when he teased you and threw sarcastic remarks at you, you knew he didn’t mean them; you knew he was just playing around, but this felt different. You felt Sehun’s resentment in every single one of this words and it killed you. It killed you because he was right. You were a selfish monster but you were trying really hard to break away from that mold. You didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore. Of all people, you didn’t want to hurt Sehun, who had been there for you when you didn’t ask him to be.

“ _I_ care, Sehun”. Your tone was exasperated. You were losing your mind. Sehun was hurting you and even when you knew you completely deserved it, you always thought he would be the one to see past your selfish actions. “Maybe you think I’m a monster as well, and I don’t blame you. Agreeing to and following this plan has been the most selfish, atrocious thing I have ever done. It might be late for me to realize that this was twisted and unnecessary but I get it, okay? Yes, I would love to be happy over Chanyeol liking me. Yes, I would love to be ecstatic and excited over this but I’m _not_. As selfish as you think I am, I hate making people hurt over my decisions. I can’t take it, it drives me insane and I know you’re angry and I understand that you are but you asked me to tell you so that’s what I did”.

Sehun’s eyes widened as you kept talking faster with each passing second. His previously raised eyebrows, settled back onto their natural position, as if he was calming down, but he was probably just taken aback by your outburst so you just continued letting out as much as you could without falling apart.

“If anything, you should be the one person to understand what is going on because we were in this together, as fucked up as it was, it was you and I. I expected you to understand and be there, even when I knew that was probably asking a lot from you… Out of everyone, the last person I want to hurt is you, so please, just…” The lump in your throat finally caught up and blocked your larynx in the middle of the sentence. It frustrated you, how much your emotions seemed to be controlling your body, that you couldn’t even finish a stupid phrase.

“You and I?” Sehun muttered but you had lost the will power to look at him straight in the eye, as you struggled you dry your tears with the crumbled up napkin that you were holding.

Whatever he meant by that, you weren’t sure and you didn’t want to know because it would’ve make things even more difficult than they already were. You heart shrunk at the thought of what could’ve been.

“If what makes you happy is Chanyeol then go for it, I have no say in that and I won’t stop you. If what you want is to be with him, then do it and who cares if anyone else hurts because of that? If you have to be selfish to be happy, then be selfish. If Chanyeol and you are meant to be together, it will happen, regardless of who ends up heartbroken. Don’t worry about anyone else but you”.

Sehun’s tone changed drastically, even if you weren’t looking at him, you could see his expression clearly in your mind. Lips pursed into a thin, resigned smile; arms crossed over his chest, scanning you from head to toe, probably.

You kept silent, unsure of what would be a good response.

Silence fell upon you one more time, somehow, this time was calmer; less anxious, less stressful but it still pressed over your lungs, having you gasping for air, almost literally. Sehun stood up, taking his plate and cup with him to place them in the sink. You watched him with a frown, wondering what would be his next move. With Sehun, you were never really sure.

When you noticed him taking his keys and wallet from the counter, your heart pounded painfully, alerting you that he wanted to leave; warning you that this was going to be it for you and Sehun.

Your eyes were glued to Sehun’s back as he paced back and forth around your kitchen, cleaning up as much as he could and then you watched him walk out of the kitchen and into your foyer. Your eyes widened and your heart pounded even more. You struggled to get up from the chair, following him until he was standing with the front door already opened before him.

“You said you don’t want to hurt me…” Sehun mumbled, still with his back facing you. Something about his words forced you to look up at him, glistening eyes and all. He turned around slowly, his smirk was crooked, slightly upset, you could tell. “Well… Don’t worry about me. We were never real, anyways”.

You knew you were about to cry, you knew because your vision got blurry all of the sudden and also because your limbs were weak. It was like taking a sip of your own medicine. You had said those words a thousand times to him, reassuring that your relationship wasn’t real and you realized, at that moment, that if Sehun ever felt even a hint of how you felt towards him at that point, you had broken him immensely yet unwillingly.

You watched him walk out of your apartment, hands tucked in his pockets and head slung down as he made his way to the elevator. You watched him walk away and you knew this time, it was probably for good.

-

Loneliness became your best friend. You were never the social butterfly but this time, it felt different. The winter was excruciatingly cold yet you felt strangely okay with it; it was probably because you had forgotten what warmth felt like.

You had looked forward to going back home, being with your parents and hanging out with your best friend during the break but that excitement was also gone. You tried your best to put up a smile when you arrived home and greeted your family, giving them general descriptions of your life at university but leaving out the most important parts so they wouldn’t worry.

Putting up a front was exhausting but you knew you couldn’t let your guard down.

Probably, you thought, it would’ve been better to have stayed alone at your apartment and spend the days at the office when you felt too consumed by your own feelings, trying to forget the whirlwind of atrocious situations you called life, but they had forced you into going on vacation and you knew that you had no choice but to escape from the surroundings that reminded you of them. Of Sehun and Chanyeol.

Of the two people that you loved the most yet the same ones that you had ruined so much.

You stared at your phone’s screen blankly, sitting at a busy restaurant. Your eyes scanned the past conversations you had with Sehun, full of teasing and sarcasm and then hearing Chanyeol’s demos over and over again. Your heart was still at a battle with itself but somewhere along the way, it had stopped fluttering and hurting, now it was just… there. Beating but at the same time, not.

“We have a lot to catch up on, huh?” Your best friend asked with raised eyebrows as she sat down on the booth, right across from you and rested her elbows on the table. You let out a dry laugh, respectfully nodding when a waitress came by to hand you the menus.

And then guilt came crushing and destroying everything on its path. You couldn’t believe how you had managed to hide everything from the one person that knew you better than anyone else. Your best friend knew you like the back of her hand; she had been by your side for almost ten years and somehow you had still decided to hide such big things from her.

You scoffed. “You have no idea”. You muttered as you shook your head and flipped the menu open, scanning the pages mindlessly.

You had poured your heart open to her in just a couple hours, trying to keep things as simple as you could, even when the situations were more than just ‘messed up’. She sighed, leaning back and running a hand through her long hair.

“I leave you alone for a couple months and you get yourself in the middle of the most complicated love triangle I have ever heard of”. She laughed, breathlessly as she scanned your expression with a smirk. You couldn’t understand how it was that she wasn’t scolding you. You expected her to give you some harsh words or maybe spare you a couple lessons about common sense but she was just sitting there, laughing at your disgrace.

A part of you wanted to ask her what was wrong with her, but how brazen would that have been?

“Now, if you have any advice on how I could fix things, that would be greatly appreciated”. You huffed, putting your cup to your lips and wetting your lips with the hot liquid.

“The only advice I have to give you here is: who is it that you can’t live without?” Her question made you look at her with a frown and squinted eyes. “Don’t look at me like that, think about it like this… If they give you a menu…” She said, signaling to the menu, still resting on the table. “It has a bunch of different delicious options. You have two favorite things, like… a chai tea and a latte. You love them both, you would love to have the two of them, but you choose the one that you can’t enjoy your meal without… You like the two options but you only love one of them. Which one of those do you choose?”

She raised her eyebrows at you as if she had just come up with an amazing metaphor. You scrambled up your mind, trying to apply her words into your real-life scenario. It wasn’t really helping. If it were to be that simple, you never would’ve been in this situation to begin with.

At your expression, she groaned and leaned in towards you with her palms flattened out on the table, meaning serious business.

“If we were in the apocalypse and someone told you, you could only choose one drink to have for the rest of your life, which one would it be? The one you really like but you only like to have occasionally or would it be the one you _never_ get tired of and the one you can’t imagine your life without?”

You felt something tugging at your heartstrings. Maybe you were just being oblivious on purpose, because yes, her example was as good as it could get, but you couldn’t force yourself to pick just one. And this was the issue; you were indecisive and easily persuaded. You were persuaded by Chanyeol’s charm at the beginning and then by Sehun’s strange yet kind and endearing behavior and now you couldn’t fathom the idea of losing either one of them, even when you, probably, had already lost them both.

“If this was the apocalypse, would it be okay to have half and half of those for my supplies?” You clicked your tongue. You knew this wasn’t the answer she was looking for and you knew that wouldn’t be a solution to your much bigger, more serious problem and you also, very well knew, that choosing that escape route would only cause much more trouble but in the end, you felt your heart was too weak to make a decision.

“That would probably hurt both their egos and you’d end up without the latte and without the chai tea”. She raised your eyebrows at you, mindlessly checking the hour on her phone. You have been at the same spot for hours now and somehow you still felt like there was so much more to talk about and run by her.

“I probably already have none. I think I probably already made them run away from me”. You sighed, looking down at your own phone, no new notifications appearing on your screen. Your heart’s injuries ached once again.

“I think, if the beverages love being consumed by you just as much as you love consuming them, they’d be there for you whenever… You just have to be clear with them about which one you want to always have in your cupboard”.

You scoffed. The whole conversation was sounding just plainly ridiculous. How could beverages have feelings? This was the thing about your best friend, always lightening the mood even when you were being crushed by your own feelings. She always had the ability to entice a smile. And you loved her for that.

“Sounds simple when you put it like that”. You laughed half heartedly as you shook your head. Your best friend shrugged, a smile adorning her soft features.

“It really shouldn’t be complicated” She clicked her tongue as she sipped on her overly sweet beverage.

It shouldn’t, she was right, but it was and it hurt so much that the pain that came from within was starting to make your skin crawl and your bones hurt.

“Have you ever been in love with two people at the same time?” You didn’t intend to say that out loud. It really was just a mere, overly sincere thought escaping from your mouth without a second thought. Her expression changed immediately, pursing her lips onto a sad, knowing smile.

-

You stood alone at one park around the corner of your building, you had discovered it not so long ago and you wondered why you never went to take a walk there before. It was small, yet very beautiful and peaceful, especially right now that it was snowing. Normal people would be inside their warm abodes, enjoying the coziness that their beds or sofas offered them and the reassurance that was provided by Netflix and the non-stop holiday movies on cable.

And then there were you. Standing alone with your hands tucked in the pockets of your jacket and the hood placed lazily over your head. You were probably the only delusional human out at that time but you couldn’t really care much about it.

You knew there were people inside the businesses that probably saw at you and wondered if you had any sort of mental illness, walking around alone under the snow but, again, you didn’t care.

The sun was setting, the twinkly lights that adorned the trees and the flower beds turned on slowly, one by one, making it painfully beautiful. It was such a trivial thing, yet, for some reason, you felt like you wanted to cry over it, you just weren’t sure why.

You stood in the middle of the park, where a small fountain full of poinsettias was. It was a nice contrast, the bright red color of the flowers against the pure white of the snow covering the pavement. Your heart ached again. You looked up at the sky, turning into a pale peach color as the sun went down and the snow kept falling over you. A few snowflakes found their way onto your face and some even tangled on your eyelashes.

It wasn’t your intention to come back before New Year’s but you did, because even when you wanted to be alone, you didn’t want to be alone in your hometown. Your parent’s had booked a trip without letting you know in advance and your best friend had agreed to spend New Year’s with her boyfriend’s family so you really had no business there anymore and so you came back.

You knew coming back was going to hurt, you knew because the pain never really stopped in the first place, not even when you left a little over a week ago; but you never knew that it would be so difficult to deal with. You expected sharp, acute pangs of pain shooting through your whole being when you either passed by the coffee shop or by the campus or even when you thought of _them_ but you didn’t foresee the pain to be a numb, constant pain that never gave you a chance, not even a second to try and catch your breath.

Whether they were still there of they had gone back to their own respective homes for the break, you weren’t sure. And you were positive you didn’t want to find out, because it would only make things worse, but you couldn’t help your mind but wonder.

Half of you wanted them to be there, whether you had made your mind up yet or not, their presence there would push you to finally make a decision, even it if was forcefully; but if they weren’t there, then you would just have more time to think things over and torture yourself over it.

Your best friend’s words resonated inside your brain, pushing you to choose. For her, it was no brainer. For you, though, it was the worst, most difficult decision you had ever faced. Worse than choosing an university away from your loved ones, worse than leaving your family, worse than taking on an internship that you knew was going to consume you both physically and mentally. _This_ was worse because you didn’t want to hurt anyone else more than you already had and yet, you knew you had to. Or maybe… just maybe, you could spare them both the hassle and just keep everything to yourself. Drown in your own sorrow and heartbreak and let them live their lives peacefully, as if you’ve never met them.

Maybe you could transfer back home without letting anyone know; maybe you could just send a petty goodbye text to the group chat and make up a lame excuse. You knew, deep down, that was an option you shouldn’t even be considering, but the possibility of it still lingered inside your mind.

“Now there’s people who love cold weather and that’s understandable of course, but if you keep it up you will get pneumonia or something”. That was a voice you didn’t expect to hear. Out of everyone, that was probably the last person you expected to accidentally run into and, surprisingly enough, meeting him there didn’t feel wrong, it didn’t hurt.

“Jongin”. You mumbled, eyes adjusting to the light slowly but surely, he smiled up at you; that sweet, warm smile that could melt the Poles in the blink of an eye. “Didn’t expect to see you here”. You said, emotionless laugh escaping from your lips as you started walking next to him, pretty much following him around like a lost puppy.

“Same goes for you”. He chuckled, tugging his hands into his own pockets, partially mirroring your own position as you strutted down the street. “I thought you had gone back home for the holidays”.

You let out a sigh. Yes, that was the plan.

“Change of plans, I guess”. You mumbled, only sparing him a glance through the corner of your eye. You wanted to ask him for advice, you knew, out of everyone, Jongin had the purest, more innocent soul and that his advice would be the most sincere, logical, considerate one of them all but, then again, Jongin wasn’t aware of anything and spilling the beans to him would only complicate things more.

“I see. Well, I’m glad you’re here; at least I have someone to spend New Year’s with. Someone who would be willing to come over to celebrate with us, giving it that Sehun and Chanyeol have been too immersed in their own projects or whatever… Do you know what’s up with them? Minseok and I have barely seen them lately”.

Jongin’s innocence was so big that it started to bother you. His unawareness –ignorance, if you wanted to put in another way– was truly bliss. Yet, to you, his words dug in your skin, making their way to your vital organ. And so, his words confirmed a part of your suspicions.

You had affected the two men way more than you should have and you completely regretted that.

“I wouldn’t know. I haven’t talked to any of them since before I left, so…” You clicked your tongue, avoiding eye contact with him. You weren’t sure if Jongin was able to read people as much as Sehun and you were, but it had become a habit of yours, shielding your feelings from anyone who might notice.

He looked at you with raised eyebrows and lips slightly forming a round shape. “Did you and Sehun get into a fight?” Jongin frowned as he shook his head a couple times, probably trying to readjust his own thoughts and theories. “But you’re always fighting… Did you two get into a _serious_ fight?” He pushed again, not taking his eyes off you and you were afraid he might walk onto a pole, or slip on the ice and crack his head open.

Then again, Jongin wasn’t an uncoordinated mess like you were.

“Ah, well… Not really. It’s just… Well, I went back home and I was with my family and friends most of the time, so I haven’t really had the chance to check my phone”.

Lies continued to flow freely from your lips and you wondered if you ever would be able to stop.

Jongin nodded slowly, apparently swallowing your repulsive words without hesitation.

Before you noticed, he had led you onto the all too familiar coffee shop. Its scent filled even the most hidden corners of your lungs and the warmth of the location engulfed your bones. It felt good but at the same time, it felt melancholic as you remembered this was the place where it all _really_ started.

The usual barista greeted you with a big smile, waving at you cheerfully. You tried to reciprocate his excitement but you were sure you were probably failing miserably at that, as well.

You ordered the most caffeinated drink they had available whereas Jongin ordered a hot chocolate, still maintaining his aversion to coffee and its derivatives. You handed the barista your money, just after Jongin had paid for his drink, to which he almost practically shoved your hand away. You looked at him confused, not really understanding his behavior.

“Oh no, this one you don’t have to pay for”. You frowned again, deeper this time, as you looked at Jongin, trying to figure out what was happening. Jongin just shrugged as his eyes met yours, out of the loop, just as you were. “The guy you’re always with paid for this. He said that as soon as you got back and ordered your first drink, it would be on him. So this one’s on him, you should thank him, it’s clear he likes you a lot”.

The burning hot sensation crept up to your cheeks. Your mind immediately ran to Sehun. You were always here with him, somehow, even when you were not planning on it, even before your agreement officially started, Sehun always found you in there and you thought, maybe, he didn’t hate you… or _maybe_ he had done this before everything went downhill. You sighed with pursed lips as you nodded and shoved your money back into your wallet, silently thanking the boyish looking employee, as you walked to the end of the bar to wait for your drinks.

“I take what I said back”. Jongin cackled when you two already had your cups in your hands and prepared to walk back out onto the cold weather. “Sehun really just must’ve missed you so much, he didn’t want to go out. Silly me, right?” Jongin laughed, nudging your shoulder.

You sighed, trying to make it look as if you were laughing alongside him.

“Okay, so… I have to get back. You okay to walk back home on your own?” Jongin asked you with sincere concern as he raised his overly expressive eyebrows at you. You let out a breathless laugh as you quickly nodded your head, trying to appear calm, collected and overall happy in his eyes.

“Of course, don’t worry about me”. You patted his shoulder and he smiled brightly at you again.

“I’ll call you about that New Year’s dinner okay?” He said, trying to sound threatening as he walked backwards and pointed his index finger at you with raised eyebrows. You smiled and nodded.

As soon as Jongin was out of sight, your mind raced again. It raced back to Sehun, thinking how he probably set this whole thing up with the absent-minded barista and you wondered if he did this before he found out about Chanyeol kissing you or before that even happened. You asked yourself if he had done it after he said those heart-wrecking things to you or before, when he saw you at your most vulnerable state.

You had a hint of hope, shining over you like a ray of sunshine after a storm.

If Sehun did this after that fatidic day then you still had chances of him forgiving you for how much of a heartless witch you had been towards him. You didn’t think twice before making your way towards Sehun’s place, cup of coffee with the word ‘courtesy’ written on it still engulfed tightly in your hand as you stomped your way over to his place.

What were you going to say? You weren’t exactly sure. You knew you had to apologize for everything you did and said to him. You knew you probably had to confess the feelings that you had started harvesting towards him if you wanted him to forgive you, but you also didn’t want to use that and make it sound like you were trying to make him feel sorry towards you.

Whatever it was, you were going to figure it out once you got there and met him face to face. That was another thing about Sehun, whenever you saw him, everything else cleared up and things just flowed. You missed him and you felt like it had been years since you last saw him, even if it had been just a couple of weeks.

When you got to the building, the ground underneath you started to shake due to your nervousness but that didn’t stop you at all. You didn’t bother ringing any bells or knocking any doors; you were too determined on apologizing to care about formalities and them always having their door unlocked just made things easier for you.

That’s what you thought until you barged through the front door and you encountered the figure of the man you weren’t planning on seeing. He was looking through the window, absent-minded; probably too distracted to notice the intrusion but your heart sunk, nonetheless, falling to your ankles and probably continuing until it sunk a thousand feet underground.

You thought you had made up your mind as you raced towards this destination. You thought you had it all figured out, whatever you were going to say was a completely different matter, but you thought your heart had finally found its path and then you saw him and everything you thought you knew, everything around and within you was pulverized into nothingness.

“I bought dinner. There are some leftovers in the fridge in case you want them”. His voice was hoarse and it made you shiver. His back was still facing you; his muscles contracted as he spoke and you were able to make them out perfectly through the fabric of his long-sleeved black shirt. You still didn’t need to see his face to know that he was most definitely frowning and his eyes were probably void of emotion.

He thought you were someone else, of course; he wasn’t expecting you here either. Just a few minutes ago, you didn’t think of being there either but there you were, facing life’s tough obstacles yet again.

“I… uh…” You stuttered. When he heard you mumbling nonsense, he finally turned around on his heels, facing you with a raised eyebrow and a glint in his eye. “Sorry for barging in like this, I just…” You kept blabbering, you couldn’t help it; it was as if your brain and mouth had disconnected by the mere sight of him.

Chanyeol’s expression switched immediately, eyes immediately softening when he scanned your figure, standing hesitantly a few meters away from him as your jaw hung a bit low, baffled to encounter him here. Stupid of you to think that, of course, he lived here as well and somehow, that fact had slipped your mind.

“Oh. I thought you were Sehun, I’m sorry”. He stammered, hesitantly taking a few steps towards you. The palms of your hands started sweating profusely as he approached you with his hands slightly raised, as if you were a threatened lion, ready to attack at any sudden movement. You fidgeted with the white cup that still rested in your hands. Chanyeol’s eyes trailed to your hands and he smirked.

“I see you got the beverage. I hope you enjoyed it”. He mumbled with a crooked smile, eyes glued to your hands grasping the almost empty container. You blinked rapidly, trying to comprehend what he had just said.

His words made your whole world shake. Everything you thought you knew was proven wrong and now, well, once again, you didn’t know what to do. If, by any chance, you weren’t back to square one, you definitely were on square two and that wasn’t comforting in the slightest.

Sehun hadn’t been the one who had paid for the coffee in advance, it had been Chanyeol. Sehun hadn’t been the one who looked out for you even when you two weren’t talking, it had been Chanyeol.

It had been Chanyeol all along and everything you thought you were sure of suddenly reverted to being uncertain once again.

“So it was you”. You mumbled, unable to look away from him. The deep pools of chocolate brown that were his eyes were slowly but assuredly taking over you; its warmth intoxicating your cells.

“So it was me”. He chuckled, half-heartedly as he continued to make its way towards you. You gulped, knuckles turning translucent as the grip on the cup tightened with each step Chanyeol took in your direction.

Silence, one more time, fell upon you. You were unsure of what to say. Chanyeol’s presence sucked in your ability to form words altogether and it made you unbelievably anxious.

On your way there, you had made up your mind about facing Sehun again, but finding Chanyeol instead turned your world upside down. Chanyeol always seemed to do that, forced you to take turns when you least expected it. Making you succumb to the warmth that both his body and his personality irradiated and engulfed your whole being.

It felt as if you had been nailed to the ground beneath your feet. You felt frozen, as a statue on a museum, unable to move even when the proximity he searched for threatened to make you lose the remainders of your sanity.

“I’m sure it wasn’t what you were expecting…” He continued talking, merely inches away from you. You nibbled on the inside of your cheek as your eyes scanned his figure frantically, trying not to lose themselves in his own again. “You can take that as my attempt to make amends with you. I know I put you through a tough time and when you suddenly disappeared I knew I had messed up, so I figured I had to do something about it and that was the only thing I could think of…” He chuckled, letting his head fall a little bit as he scanned your snow covered feet.

“But… a part of me can’t help but hope that maybe, just maybe, you can take it as yet another lame confession”. You felt your eyes water as he continued on talking. You were sure neither your heart nor your common sense would be able to handle whatever he was about to say. You wanted to run away from there. Usually Chanyeol had the capacity of easing your nerves, of soothing you, but now it was the complete opposite. 

“A lot has happened these weeks you’ve been gone… I broke it off with Hayoon because I couldn’t handle the guilt of staying in a relationship while loving someone else… Sehun and I are not on great terms. I guess he probably figured everything out, I’m not sure but… well, like I said, I couldn’t think of a better way to let you know that, even after everything, you still linger in the back of my mind and I thought… Well, you love coffee and I think… I really do think I love you, so…”

The lump in your throat made its reappearance after a long time. One thing was hearing Chanyeol say he liked you, another very different thing was listening to the words ‘love you’ leave his lips; not only once but on multiple occasions in the span of a couple minutes.

Another, even worse thing, was hearing him throw both Sehun’s and Hayoon’s names into the same sentence. You knew it had been you who had thrown everyone into the equation to begin with, but it was still strange to hear it from someone else’s mouth.

Your heart gave a turn. You opened your mouth, trying to come with something at least slightly reasonable to say to him but it felt as if your whole brain had gone blank; as if your whole being had decided to reboot automatically by hearing Chanyeol’s words.

Was Chanyeol your chai tea or was him your latte? You almost laughed breathlessly when you asked yourself that question. You felt ridiculous, you were aware everything was ridiculous, most likely.

“I–” You managed to get out, forcing the sound past your chapped lips, eyes scanning Chanyeol’s face. His lips were pursed into a smile, a sad, reluctant smirk, if anything, and still his dimple was on full display. His eyebrows were low and his right eye was slightly squinted. “I don’t know what to say, I–…”

You blinked rapidly, tearing your eyes away from him once again. Were you supposed to tell him you loved him too, even if you weren’t a hundred percent sure about that at the moment? Were you supposed to confess that everything that had happened was planned? Including his break-up with Hayoon and your relationship with Sehun?

Were you supposed to admit that you did everything for him but also admit that now you weren’t sure about your feelings anymore because there was someone else creeping up onto your heart and mind as well?

“You don’t have to reciprocate, I know you most likely don’t feel the same way I just… Well, I felt like I needed to say it… Formally, I mean. I felt like you needed to know that this isn’t just a crush, or a hormonal thing. I truly do think that I love you but don’t feel pressured. Even if you don’t feel the same, I will be there whenever you need me and I–”

A leap. You were taking a leap, taking a risk –a very high risk, for that matter–, but if the world were to end at that moment, at least you were going to die by not being afraid.

You cut off Chanyeol’s little monologue as you fisted the soft fabric of his sweater and pulled him down to you, pressing your lips to his’ in a rush. Your eyes were squeezed shut, in a weak attempt to calm yourself down.

If you were going to die that day, at least you were going to die after giving Chanyeol a goodbye slash apologetic kiss. Whatever choices you were going to make, at least you wanted to express that you loved him too.

Whether or not you’d be able to figure out if you were _in_ love with him or not, you wanted him to know that you felt the same; that you loved him and that you cared deeply for him and that, whatever happened after that, you’d be there for him, even if he decided to hate you, which, in this case, you thought was definitely going to happen.

Because he couldn’t continue to love you if he found out what you had done. Even if he said his love was unconditional, there were still things that could break someone’s trust and everything you had done was included in that list.

Chanyeol’s eyes widened as he felt you pulling him towards you, of course, though, you didn’t notice that because you were too focused on calming yourself down as to focus on him, one more time.

Chanyeol was surprised, you could feel the astonishment radiate from him as he hesitated to return your affections for a couple seconds. What had taken over you? Since when had you become so bold and daring?

And then you felt him sigh as his hands snaked themselves around your waist, pulling you closer to him. You stood on your tiptoes, as you struggled to match up to his height. You felt him sigh as he took a second to breathe in, eyelashes fluttering against your cheeks.

You hated that it felt good. You weren’t fond of the warm fuzzy feelings that the contact with his skin induced in you. Actually, you weren’t sure if you despised the feeling or you completely adored it. The line between love and hate was extremely thin, weak and blurry.

You knew it was wrong, as everything you had been doing lately. Caring for him since day one was your first mistake, plotting against his already established, healthy relationship was the second big mistake and _this_ , the displays of affection, the hugging and, most of all, the kissing was probably the third big one –at least when it came to Chanyeol, as twisted as it was, Sehun was still a completely different matter–.

You knew it was wrong and you partially thought of this whole thing as a goodbye kiss, actually it was more like a ‘hello and goodbye’ with him but you also felt good while doing so. You felt your cheeks starting to heat up and you sighed when he pressed your body to his with more conviction than before, you couldn’t help but notice how your body molded wonderfully to his.

Whatever was going through Chanyeol’s mind, you weren’t sure. The only thing you were certain of was that you could feel him smiling against your lips as you continued kissing and it felt good, yet the guilt never disappeared.

As Chanyeol reciprocated your outburst, did he think you and Sehun were still together? Did he think you had gotten into a fight, much like Jongin did? Had Sehun said anything to him?

The pressing question was: what about Sehun?

You hated your brain for doing this to you. Any time you came in contact with Chanyeol, your mind drifted in Sehun’s direction and when you had showed affection –regardless of if it was real or not– towards Sehun, all you could think about was Chanyeol.

It had been enough, you thought. You’ve had enough of all this push and pull but yet here you were again, kissing Chanyeol back as he pushed you gently against the wall and unable to repress a heavy sigh as his hands travelled from your waist to the back of your leg, as he hoisted it up to wrap it around his body.

The wet trail of kisses that he left from your mouth to the crook of your neck sent shivers down your spine and then they reminded you of Sehun again and of the night you spent with him and so the shiver grew stronger, unbearable.

And you shook everything off because you knew, for real this time, that you’ve had enough. You knew that, as much as you were enjoying the moment, it was wrong. You knew that you couldn’t do this to Chanyeol, nor Sehun, nor to your own self.

You were leading Chanyeol on to something that you would probably regret later because you had to tell him that you were sorry. You had already broken Sehun and practically pushed him out of your life with your inconsiderate actions and you had broken every piece of yourself along the way. It was time to try and fix things, for good and you had to start somewhere.

Unfortunately, that somewhere was Chanyeol.

“S-stop”. You stuttered, clearing your throat as you tried to push him away from you as gentle and delicately as you could. Chanyeol was a porcelain figure in your eyes –a huge one, might you add– that was beautiful yet extremely fragile.

He raised his eyebrows at you, eyes rounder than they already were as he scanned you, probably wondering if he had done something wrong. Little did he know, the one who was messing everything up had always been you.

“I can’t do this anymore, Chanyeol”. Your voice cracked, you tried to hide it behind a fake coughing fit but of course it would be no use. Chanyeol frowned as he took another step back and crossed his arms over his chest. “I didn’t come here to do… this”. You laughed emotionlessly as you pointed a finger between your two bodies.

Chanyeol crooked an eyebrow towards you, confusion still obvious on his gentle features. It was until then that you noticed how long and puffy his hair had gotten, almost covering his ears and forehead completely.

“Would you mind elaborating? I thought you had come here because of the coffee gesture”. He frowned deeply, enhancing the wrinkles between his eyebrows. “Or did I misread that as well? And, also… the kiss…” He was blinking at light speed, as if by blinking everything would be cleared up, as if by doing that everything would be resolved. You hoped it would be that simple

“I _did_ come here because of the coffee but I… Well, I thought… You know… I didn’t think you were the one who did it”. The emotion in his eyes morphed from confused to sad in one millisecond. You ached in response, switching your weight from one leg to the other.

“I get it now, you thought it had been Sehun. That’s why you came here in the first place”. Chanyeol let out a dry laugh as he walked over to their couch and nonchalantly took a seat on the armrest, looking down at his feet with a frown.

“It’s fine”. He mumbled after a couple minutes spent in complete, deafening silence. You widened your eyes, startled by his sudden comment. “You don’t have to feel sad over it or upset, it was me who misread the signs once again. You did nothing wrong”.

You sighed, fisting your hands so tightly that the skin over your knuckles felt as if it was going to be torn at any moment.

“That’s where you’re wrong, Chanyeol _by the way_ ”. You didn’t know if using the stupid nickname was a good idea, given the circumstances, but it was the only thing you could think of that would lighten the mood. That would probably make things easier for you to confess your sins to Chanyeol, to confess how and why everything was happening this way.

You were scared to come clean and admit that you had acted out of jealousy; recklessly and stupidly, yet you couldn’t stand to see Chanyeol continuously blaming himself when, clearly, nothing was his fault.

He looked up at you with gleaming eyes that you didn’t want to overanalyze now that you had your mind set.

You cleared your throat before walking over to him, standing a few steps away, wary of what possible reaction he could’ve had after you came clean about everything.

“I’m the one to blame for literally almost everything, please don’t feel like this is your fault in any way…” You said, letting out a deep breath as you started explaining, trying to ignore his frozen figure as much as you could as your eyes scanned the insides of the apartment, trying to find something to sooth you.

“Saying this won’t be easy but bear with me… Sehun and I…” You scrambled your head, trying to connect your ideas and came to the conclusion that too many details would only make everything more complicated. “Sehun and I were never really together for real. He knew I liked you and suggested to be in a fake relationship to make you jealous and make Sunhee swallow her condescending opinions she had on him. I agreed because she made my blood boil and at the moment, pretty much all I could think about was you and Hayoon…”

You gulped, scratching the back of your neck as your eyes made their way back to your own two feet. From your peripheral, you could see him sitting up straight as he paid attention to your scattered, probably senseless words as you spit out as much as you could.

“I honestly never thought you’d have any sort of feelings for me that weren’t just friendly or fraternal, even. At some point I was mainly going along with it for Sehun and to shut Sunhee up because I knew, very well, that you were madly in love with Hayoon and then… well, things got complicated… _More_ than they already were”.

With each passing word, you could feel the knot in your throat getting heavier, tighter, more unbearable than before.

Chanyeol’s silence made you anxious; your hands were sweating even when you felt cold. Your eyelid was starting to twitch and you had been chewing on your bottom lip so incessantly that you were probably going to draw blood sooner than later.

“And then I fell for you but you fell for Sehun”. Chanyeol’s hoarse voice made you finally look at him. His expression was serious, more likely a bit upset but not furious, which was something you knew you didn’t deserve. You expected rage and hate but, of course, Chanyeol was too much of an angel to react like that.

Your tear rimmed eyes widened even more.

“I felt awful for putting you in that position. I wanted to put a stop to everything and come clean but I didn’t know how… because I knew I still liked you and because I liked you, I didn’t want to make things even more difficult for you, but I also didn’t want to miss the chance that I had gotten but… At the same time, I felt guilty for manipulating things to work out like they did…”

Chanyeol pondered for a minute that felt like an eternity as you kept fidgeting with your own clothes, tugging your sleeves over your hands and then pushing them back, unable to find a comfortable position.

“But, then, you also liked Sehun and didn’t know how to put a stop to it without hurting him, right? You also weren’t sure if you wanted to put a stop to it, right?”

You gulped as you took in Chanyeol’s conclusions. You had underestimated him and his ability to read and understand people. He was able to figure everything out in a matter of minutes, whereas it took you, one of the main characters, ages to figure out and understand it.

You didn’t answer, though. Silence meant approval.

“Stop punishing yourself about it. I _also_ felt a click when we met. I immediately felt drawn to you, so this wasn’t your entire fault, I can see how the wheels in your head are turning right now”. Chanyeol laughed dryly again, sending another pang of guilt straight through your chest and into your heart. “This would’ve happened at some point, fake relationship with Sehun or not, I’m sure…” Chanyeol half-smiled, scanning your probably pale looking face.

“I’m sorry for doing this to you, you didn’t deserve to be the target of my selfish actions”. You scoffed at yourself, blowing a loose strand of hair out of your face. Chanyeol laughed.

“Like I said…” He replied as he stood up and grabbed you by your shoulders, leaning down a little to look you straight in the eye. “Whatever happened or happens doesn’t matter because, even if it’s as an acquaintance, a friend or something else, I will love you no matter what”. Chanyeol smiled at you with pursed lips, warm eyes, dimple and all. You quite literally were pinching yourself to refrain the tears from falling down your cheeks.

“But you love Sehun now, don’t you?”

You shivered for the nth time since you had gotten there. Before you could say anything or even move at all, the door opened behind you and you froze in place. Scared to turn around and face the last piece of this whole mess.

You heard a scoff.

“Sorry for interrupting. Don’t mind me and just continue whatever you were doing”. You saw Sehun walk past you without sparing you another glance. Chanyeol let his arms fall to his sides as he took a deep, heavy breath. You followed his friend’s figure without blinking, eyes glued to his nape, disheveled black hair and wide shoulders until he disappeared down the hall and into his room.

Your heart raced but at the same time, it hurt with a different kind of sorrow.

“As much as I love you, that’s something I can’t help you out with yet”. Chanyeol smiled sadly at you, which you understood perfectly and, honestly, you never even considered asking him for help with that, not in a million years.

“I better get going now”. You sighed, pulling up the zipper of your jacket as you turned around and proceeded to leave the location without a second thought.

The sky was dark now, the air was icier than it was a couple hours before and it hit you like a ton of bricks.

Chanyeol was the purest human being to walk on Earth at that point in time and you surely were going to hell for hurting him but he was right about everything he had said to you before.

You squinted and scratched your nose as the cold air hit you with more force than it was already doing so. You walked slowly back home, now wondering what to do with Sehun and what to say to apologize to him.

In his eyes, when he entered the apartment, the scene between you and Chanyeol probably looked compromising. You were glad he didn’t burst in fifteen minutes earlier but, still, your mind struggled.

Your phone buzzed inside your pocket, making you jump a little. The brightness of your screen hurt your eyes but you still managed to read Jongin’s message, making you nervous with just the few words he had sent out to the group chat.

_**[KJI]:** New Year’s dinner tomorrow at our place. You all better be there or don’t talk to me again._

You let out a breath you didn’t know were holding. You were scared to be there but you also knew that was probably the last chance you were going to get to make things right and apologize to Sehun.

You were nervous because Chanyeol was right, even when you didn’t answer the question he already knew the answer to.

You loved Oh Sehun.

________________________


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: Lots of Angst. Mentions of self-hate, hints of depression. Strong language. Explicit descriptions of sex.

This was a bad idea. It was probably the most logical, reasonable decision you had made and yet it felt strange because everything you did before that was so stupid and reckless and in comparison, this rational decision just felt out of place for you.

How weird… To follow the social conventions of a tame, coherent decision, for once. And, still, you weren’t sure if it’d be better to be fashionably late or annoyingly early.

Would it be better to show at Jongin’s and Minseok’s footstep at least half an hour earlier to help them set everything up and have some time to prepare yourself for, potentially, meeting not only Chanyeol –who you had, sort of, made amends with already– but also Sehun, who you were still hoping to apologize to and which made you go cuckoo-bananas?

Or would it be better to arrive late, once everyone was already there and be met with everyone’s eyes settling on you?

You groaned. On time. You should be on time, you thought.

Nothing really reassured you that they’d be there, anyways. Given the fact that you had already come clean about everything with Chanyeol, you doubted that he’d want to see your face as soon and Sehun… well… if his temper hadn’t died down yet, you were sure he wouldn’t want to see you either.

You sighed as you got into a cab at exactly eight forty-five to arrive there by nine or maybe a little later. If the timing would’ve been different, you wouldv’e probably come up with an excuse and told Jongin that you’d buy him a lifetime supply of hot chocolates or whatever other thing he wanted but, you knew, deep down even if it was eating you alive, that you had to face the facts and that you had to be the bigger person for once in your whole damn life.

You twitched on your seat, picking at a loose strand on your black skinny pants, mentally counting the minutes until you got to the destination, incessantly analyzing the buildings outside, which warned you that you were getting closer.

You thanked the driver, wished him a happy New Year, as you slammed the door shut, probably with more force than it was intended; that happened because your hands were dripping wet and you could barely hold your phone without dropping it to the ground every five seconds.

The receptionist of the building buzzed you in as soon as you finished climbing up the few steps onto the entrance. Your eyes widened in surprise. You had forgotten how much more nicer their place was, with receptionist and all, whereas your building barely had an elevator and it broke down every two weeks or so.

You huffed before sliding in past the heavy door, nodding to her and wishing her a happy year, as well, as you made your way to the elevator, tugging your hands on your coat’s pockets, leg unable to stay still.

By now, you should’ve grown accustomed to anxiety but it felt as if it was the other way around. Your lungs pressed against your ribcage with more force than they were doing while you were getting ready, overthinking both your outfit and your makeup, just for you to end up wearing all black and just a simple winged eyeliner and some highlighter and gloss over your lips, which was probably all gone by now, after all the munching you had been subjecting your lip to.

You ringed their bell without hesitation, because if you thought it about you’d either curl up onto a ball or sprint back onto the elevator. The door opened immediately, showing a disheveled Minseok, which was rare. You widened your eyes in an apologetic manner.

Fashionably late would’ve been better.

“We always knew the one with the timing issues wasn’t you. Come in, I’m sorry for the mess”. You shook your head with a reassuring smile on your lips as you made your way onto their apartment. Of course Minseok would think it was messy, even when it looked spotless to anyone else’s eyes.

“Remind me to never invite you over to my place. You’d have a seizure when you saw what a true mess actually looks like”. You scoffed, taking off your coat after fishing out your phone from your pocket and tugging it in the back one of your jeans.

“Have you seen Chanyeol and Sehun’s place? If I’ve survived being at their apartment overnight, I can deal with anything else”. Minseok laughed, almost snatching your coat from your hands as he hung it somewhere inside a closet before continuing to do whatever he was doing before you interrupted.

He trotted back and forth between the kitchen and the considerably big table that occupied most of the dinning area now, placing down the shiny white dishes and the fancy looking cutlery in a perfectly organized manner.

“Let me help you out with this”. You said, as you took some plates from him without hesitation. You had OCD but nothing in the world could compare to Minseok and his love for organization and tidiness.

“You don’t have to, Jongin should be the one helping out with this, not you”. Minseok laughed emotionlessly, not turning down your help. You smiled, scanning the table to figure out the arrangement Minseok had come up with.

“Are we really letting Jongin handle the china all by himself, though?” You cackled, to which Minseok only sighed.

“Hence why I’m doing this all by myself while he’s taking the longest shower anyone has ever taken”. You smiled as you looked up at Minseok, his eyebrows were furrowed as he perfectly aligned each and every single napkin to the cutlery and the tall glasses. You were sure, if you would’ve had an older brother, you would’ve liked him to be like Minseok.

“I’m sorry for getting here early”. You blurted out, walking behind him to the kitchen as he poured you some champagne in a cup. You raised your eyebrows at his gesture.

“Don’t tell anyone that I let you have champagne before dinner, they’ll get mad at me”. He laughed, making you smile again. “And don’t worry. You were just in time, everyone else is just annoyingly tardy, as usual”.

You scoffed as the question pressed your mind again: would _they_ even show up in the first place? Minseok had placed enough seats around the table for all of them to fit, including the friends that you had only met once before. You sighed.

“Though I _did_ expect you and Sehun to come in together”. Minseok squinted his eyes at you as he took a sip of his own glass. You almost choked.

Your mind raced.

“Oh, we just…” You had never been as happy to be interrupted by anyone as you were in that moment when Jongin finally emerged from the bathroom with a huge smile plastered on his face, patting your head as he had the habit of doing so. You squinted at him for a second.

“She made it”. Jongin laughed.

“Of course she did, now, I will take a quick shower while everyone gets here. _Don’t_ break _anything_ ”. Minseok threatened Jongin with piercing eyes, making him shrug and laugh nervously as the shorter male made its way to the bathroom, slamming the door shut.

You laughed at Jongin’s expression, mocking him for being so scared of someone who looked as adorable as Minseok did.

“Laugh all you want but make him mad and it’s over”. Jongin scoffed as he made his way towards the surround sound audio system to play some music. You smiled, leaning against the counter as you finally took a moment to appreciate Minseok’s effort of putting everything together. Maybe Jongin was the one who had the idea, maybe it was someone else in the group of friends where you were just a recent addition, but you were very aware Minseok was the one who had taken it upon him to settle everything and make sure everything was perfect.

There were twinkly lights hanging around here and there, covered by translucent, metallic fabric, giving everything a warmer, cozier feeling. Now that the table was finally set, it looked taken out of an architecture magazine, perfectly reflecting every single light. Perfectly divided. You smiled, it was definitely Minseok, you also sighed, not sure if this was going to be the last time you’d be able to hang around them so freely.

The Christmas tree stood tall and beautifully adorned in the further corner of the apartment, clearly another one of Minseok’s doings, yet you couldn’t help but smile at the teddy bear ornament that hung from one of the branches.

You lounged around, relaxed while Jongin enthusiastically showed you one dance routine, momentarily forgetting your anxiety until the doorbell rang and your heart stopped. You nibbled on your lip, subconsciously, praying that Jongin wouldn’t notice your anxiety as he practically skipped to open the door. Your eyes followed him closely, without blinking.

Your muscles relaxed at the sight of their friends, Baekhyun and Junmyeon appearing, greeting you as if they were as close to you as Jongin and the rest, hugging you tightly with wide smiles on their faces. You were assured by their presence but, at the same time, the uneasiness only grew bigger every time someone rang the bell. After around twenty minutes, Kyungsoo and Jongdae were also there and the only two missing were the ones you dreaded to see the most, especially Sehun.

Minseok had joined again five minutes after Baekhyun and Junmyeon had showed up, the atmosphere was nice, you felt happy around them, even when stress still lingered everywhere inside your body, making your arms and legs tingle, wondering when or if they were going to appear after all.

You wondered if they knew you’d be there. You wondered if seeing you would be a surprise to them, maybe they thought you would turn down the invitation, given the circumstances. You didn’t want to dwell on it, but you couldn’t help but imagine Sehun’s discontent when he saw you there, mindlessly hanging around with his friends, meddling into a life he had already secured for himself, even before he knew you existed, even before you managed to fuck everything up.

You gulped, munching on some cheese that Minseok had put on the table as a pre-dinner snack, trying the hardest to pay attention to whatever story Baekhyun was telling as he over-excitedly threw his arms everywhere, almost hitting Kyungsoo on the head in the process, which made him look at Baekhyun with piercing eyes as he pinched his underarm with fire burning in his eyes. You chuckled, trying to appease your inner storm.

You probably were too immersed in Kyungsoo’s battle to keep Baekhyun’s voice at a decent volume, laughing at how different they were yet how close they seemed to be. Baekhyun hid behind you momentarily, making you widen your eyes, until he suddenly jumped, shaking your shoulders in the process, making you lose your already questionable balance for a split second.

“Finally! I was about to go out and drag you both here from your ears, God knows Chanyeol doesn’t need his ears to be any bigger than they already are!” Baekhyun cackled, skipping from behind you to greet the pair. You gulped; you had been too distracted to hear the doorbell for the final time. Maybe your body was sparing you the tension subconsciously, knowing very well that you probably wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Baekhyun grabbed them both, swinging his arms over their shoulders, making it a comical sight, as he was considerably shorter than they were. He looked like their younger, annoying cousin who they were forced to take with them when they went out.

You wanted to smile but you were too preoccupied with your breathing, trying hard to stabilize it as your heart pounded incessantly in your chest. Your hands gripped the glass of sparkling wine you were holding even tighter than before, almost breaking it due to your nervousness.

You locked eyes with Chanyeol, who gave you a small smile and lazy nod as courtesy, you thought, you didn’t want to think that it was probably because he was heartbroken. You didn’t want to be reminded of how you had broken the kindest man on Earth’s heart. You tried to assure yourself that it was what it needed to be done, you and Chanyeol weren’t meant for each other, after all; he was too good for someone as vile as you; as stupid as you.

Chanyeol was pure gold and you were a revolting thief. If you had decided to take him, snatch him away from someone else’s grasp, it never really was your right to have him in the first place. A repulsive burglar like you was never going to be good enough for Chanyeol’s golden heart, even if you wanted to have it, you knew you weren’t deserving of it.

That’s why you had decided to not take it, even when you had done everything that was in your power to finally call it yours. You decided not to be a thief in the end, even when you had committed crimes, at the end of the road, you didn’t steal the most valuable thing and you thought, hopefully, that would be worth something.

You forced out a smile, as well, trying to start fresh with him. Maybe build the great friendship that the two of you would’ve had if you hadn’t decided to act all spoiled over him. He looked down and you sighed. It was going to be a tough road for you two, you were sure, but you hoped that, someday, things wouldn’t feel awkward and tense anymore. You truly did care for him; your heart really did beat for him, just not in the way you thought it did.

You tore your eyes away from his figure only to jump to the man that could scare a Grim Reaper itself by only glaring at them. He pierced right through you but didn’t spare you more than a couple seconds; just enough time for your eyes to connect and then he looked away, breaking the fluttering eye contact as he ignored you to greet the rest of his friends.

You felt a pang within you but you knew you probably deserved it so you tried to cope as much as you could. By the time you snapped out of your misery, Minseok had already set the food on the table, snatching that excuse from you as to appear busy and overall… fine.

You were unsure of where to seat. Usually, if circumstances were to be different, you would’ve sat next to Sehun but alas that wasn’t an option now. You didn’t want to make things awkward for everyone else, which you were still worried that they might already be, as you hadn’t even said a proper hello to Sehun since he got into the apartment alongside Chanyeol.

They may be a bit disoriented sometimes, you thought, but they weren’t dumb and most definitely weren’t sightless.

For the second time since you stepped out of your own apartment, you wondered if it would’ve been better to stay at home and not expose yourself to whatever this was. Maybe Jongin would’ve forgiven you easily, anyways. He couldn’t really hold a grudge against anyone for a long time.

You were frozen in place as everyone else walked around the table to take a seat. You weren’t sure if they already had designated seats and you were just too new to their group to know, but the way they moved so naturally around each other was quite interesting. Thankfully, though, Minseok and Jongin left the spare chair free in between them and you sighed.

After Junmyeon was done pouring champagne into the glasses and Minseok passed them along, Junmyeon cleared his throat to speak. You pursed your lips, taking a deep breath. Of course, he seemed like the type of guy to make a toast in special occasions.

Everyone else groaned as well, even before he started talking. He let out a sigh.

“Okay, okay. I just want to say I’m grateful to have you all in my life for another year, don’t give me those looks. I’m also thankful that there’s someone to look out for you when I’m not around… Thank you…”. Junmyeon said as he slightly turned to you. You cleared your throat out of nervousness, pursing your lips onto an uncomfortable smile. “For looking out for them, they can be a handful and Minseok is too old for that now”.

Besides you, you heard Minseok letting out a sigh as he massaged his eyebrows with his index and thumb. You laughed breathlessly, trying to imply an answer, hoping he wouldn’t force you to say anything. It was painfully awkward as it was, with both Sehun and Chanyeol looking at you intently.

One irradiating anger and the other sorrow and then there was you, who was just a huge jumble of opposite feelings.

“Just sit down so we can start eating, for Christ’s sake”. Baekhyun said, from the other end of the table, earning a loud laugh from Chanyeol, who was sitting next to him. You smiled as if on reflex. You felt as if it had been years since you last heard him laugh so loudly.

“Cheers, then”. Junmyeon ended, reluctantly as he rolled his eyes and everyone raised their glasses. The sounds coming from the t.v. in the living room indicated that midnight had struck just as you were finishing your toast, as if it was perfectly planned. Maybe it was, you weren’t sure. You doubted it because everything seemed pretty messy but at the same time, they had been friends for years now and you were an outsider, a passer-by, a guest joining them for a festivity.

You were someone expendable. You could be gone tomorrow and their lives would continue on without much thought. And that was fine by you. You didn’t want to meddle into their already settled habits. It was fine by you, feeling their warmth for at least a short period of time. You would take that with you and would never forget it, in case it went downhill from there.

They yelled ‘happy new year’ in unison as they raised their glasses and then proceeded to eat away at their heart’s content and you followed suit.

You had never been as concentrated in your food as you were at that moment, though. Saying you felt awkward and out of place as the clicking of the cutlery around you continued non-stop, was an understatement for sure.

By that time, you were sure every single one of them had noticed there was something going on, something that wasn’t quite right in the atmosphere. They were kind enough not to mention anything and you were extremely thankful for that, for them keeping the conversation light, about the food, about their jobs and classes and the presents they got from Christmas.

The small talk ceased for a moment and that’s when you heard Minseok letting out a heavy sigh from your right side. You frowned, looking at him, confused and still trying very hard not to meet eyes with Sehun accidentally, who was sitting right across from you.

“You could cut the tension with an axe”. Minseok laughed breathlessly, taking a sip of his bubbly beverage. You gulped. You were sure he was saying that more to himself, sure that no one else would hear him, unlucky for him, you had a great sense of hearing and the room had fallen silent just a couple seconds before. Hearing his words was unavoidable. “Ah… who wants more champagne?” He stuttered when he felt all eyes on him, standing up clumsily and running away onto the kitchen.

You pursed your lips, feeling bad for the fact that this was obviously, yet again, your fault. As hard as you were trying to convey an easy-going, happy aura, Sehun was the complete opposite; sitting still, eating almost as if it was robotically, scoffing and rolling his eyes at almost everything. You wanted to throw him something, make him realize that this was no one’s fault but yours and that he shouldn’t be putting everyone through this purgatory but you refrained because you weren’t a fan of drama during the holidays.

A funny thing, coming to think of it, especially because of everything that had happened in such a short period of time.

You locked eyes with him for the first time since he arrived. You intentionally hardened your stare, trying to make him understand; praying that he’d be able to read you like he proved he was able to do many times in the past.

To your surprise, he didn’t scoff nor rolled his eyes at you. He didn’t show any signs of understanding but he stopped behaving like a moody teenager, which was a win in your eyes. Yet, still, the tension between you two remained.

Baekhyun let out a nonsense comment, making everyone’s attentions switch to him instead, as he wasn’t very fond of tense scenarios, as you had understood by now. You thanked him with a sincere, silent smile.

-

You made your way over to the balcony once everyone was done eating and moved over to the living room, where they started playing some board games. You watched from afar, through the glass door, smiling at the sight. Every single one of them was warm in their own particular way, some of them in more obvious ways than the others, but everyone felt like home and you felt a pang of sadness when you realized you would probably have to let go from their warmth, for everyone’s sake.

“A lone wolf, are we? It’s cold out here”. Chanyeol’s voice appearing out of nowhere next to you, blocking the view you had of the group of men inside the apartment. He startled you, making you jump a little as you blinked away the surprise. Apparently you had been too immersed in your own thoughts as to notice him slid away through the glass doors.

You looked up at him with a puzzled expression.

“I just needed some air and I don’t mind the cold. I like the cold”. You replied with a smile as you watched him walk over to the empty spot next to you, leaning his elbows onto the same railway where your back rested carelessly.

“A lone, weird as fuck, wolf”. Chanyeol chuckled, earning an honest smile from you once more.

Something had shifted. Maybe the awkwardness at the dinner table caused by Sehun and Minseok’s unintentional comment had indirectly affected Chanyeol’s behavior or the way you felt around him, you weren’t sure, but you didn’t feel as sad to be around him at the moment. Maybe seeing his smile was the cure for the guilt that had been consuming you whenever you saw him or even thought of him.

Silence was comfortable. You didn’t feel the need to know what was going on inside Chanyeol’s head anymore. You didn’t feel the burning urge to figure out his feelings anymore, all of that was gone. Right now you only wanted Chanyeol to never stop smiling and that was probably why the silence felt so comfortable, giving you flashbacks to when you first met; before you had made all the wrong choices.

A good ten minutes passed after being submerged in silence as Chanyeol scanned the streets underneath and you closed your eyes, enjoying the invigorating breeze hitting your exposed cheeks. He spoke up, again, without a warning, making you look at him with round eyes.

“I can’t help but feel like I’ve known you for longer than just six months. Probably it’s some mystical thing, like people say… Being soul mates from another lifetime”. Chanyeol smiled faintly as he looked at you from the corner of his eye and turned around to lean his back against the railing, imitating your position; air ruffling his dark hair. You smiled.

“Probably”. You smiled shyly, looking up at the cloudy sky as the last snowflakes of the night settled themselves on Chanyeol’s puffed up hair. You felt people staring, unsure if it was Sehun or someone else, or a bunch of them, for that matter. It didn’t hold much importance, anyway, it wasn’t like you were doing something R-rated in front of the world to see, if anything it was just two broken hearts talking to each other in an attempt to slowly heal their own wounds at their own pace.

“Maybe in another lifetime we’ll meet again and you’ll be my soul mate once more”. Chanyeol said, looking to you with slightly furrowed eyebrows and a sincerer smile than before. If this had happened before, your heart would’ve jumped out of your chest. Right now, unfortunately, it was pounding purely due to the culpability in you but it didn’t hurt as much, it was numb, permanently; something you knew you would get used to, eventually. You just smiled back at him, rolling your eyes as you tried to get rid of the tense atmosphere that was beginning to grow thicker around you. “For this one, though, I’m pretty sure you’re someone else’s”.

Chanyeol eyes never left your face, not even blinking as he tried to read your reaction. At first you thought you should act calm and collected but what was the point when he already knew everything in the first place? What was the point in you hiding your feelings to him anymore? Being honest with him had to be the first step you had to take in order to regain the stability you looked for.

Your breath hitched as you shook your head, incredulous, your whole being consumed by denial.

“Pretty sure I’m no one’s soul mate in this lifetime, unfortunately. In this lifetime, I was reincarnated as a huge dickhead with a concerning lack of good judgment”. You scoffed, laughing at your own disgrace. For the first time during this whole ridiculous situation, you wanted to try out laughing instead of crying. You wanted to laugh instead of letting tears stream down your face. Maybe laughing at yourself would make things easier… You weren’t completely sure. 

Chanyeol scoffed at you, rolling his eyes and shaking his head slowly as he turned around and looked down at the almost empty street, almost imperceptibly bumping your shoulder with his’.

“Yes, you are. As much as it pains me to say this, it’s pretty obvious that you are _someone’s_ soul mate… There are probably just some things to work out first but… you know…”. Chanyeol shrugged, tilting his head in what you could just assume it was Sehun’s direction; you didn’t want to confirm your suspicions, afraid that you’d have yet another stare down. Neither of you dived deeper into the matter, probably because it was too awkward to talk about still, probably because it pained him more than he let on, you definitely didn’t want to fuel that fire.

You knew it was pretty goddamn awkward, you couldn’t blame him.

“Don’t stay out too long, though, we’re not prepared to deal with a pneumonia right now”. He joked, patting your shoulder before he made his way inside, you nodded as a response, even when you knew he wasn’t looking anymore. Who was looking at you, though, as you feared, was someone else. You took a deep breath, trying to muster both your strength and your patience as he made his way towards the balcony, glass of red wine in hand.

Sehun leaned against the metallic doorframe, looking at you without saying a word for about five minutes, twirling the dark liquid in the glass, making you nervous that he would either spill it or let the fragile container fall and break, causing a disaster.

“Listen to the guy, pretty sure he wants the best for you”. Sehun’s words confused you. The way he spoke felt as if he was spitting every remainder of venom into them but you weren’t quite capable of understanding completely. Sehun was a weird one when he was angry, spitting out indirect comments that made you both confused and very much frustrated.

You let out a sigh as you walked to step back inside but stopped right next to him, without looking up at him, you wet your lips with your tongue before speaking up, hands trembled as an indicative that you were a nervous mess.

“Drop the attitude, Sehun. We need to have a talk soon”. You hissed, annoyed at how he seemed to be so good at making assumptions, especially when it came to you and Chanyeol.

He looked down at you, expression unreadable, stoic, stable as marble. “Agreed”. He spit out, scanning your figure, covered by all black clothing –much like his own was, as well– before he made his way back to his friends, who were still grouped at the living room, playing passionately as if winning at charades meant the equivalent of winning a world war. 

-

Life had become quite uneventful after New Year’s. As much as you appreciated the lack of drama, you weren’t sure how to deal with loneliness lately. You liked being alone, you liked having time to yourself and not find you submerged in yet another, nerve-wrecking, complicated situation, yet a part of you still longed to get everything straightened out, once and for all.

You weren’t aware that telling Sehun you needed to talk would turn out to be so ambiguous. You never really expected him to text you a time and a place to meet, that wasn’t like him, especially if he still maintained his grudges towards you but you also weren’t brave enough to do it yourself.

More times than not, you found yourself opening the text conversation with him as your fingertips hesitated over the keyboard on your screen. The most you ever managed to write was just a simple, embarrassing ‘hi’ or ‘hello’ before deleting it altogether and throwing your device away.

It was easier to ignore the anxiety induced by your phone when you were at home, when you could just toss your phone onto the bed and go to the kitchen or the living room and pretend it didn’t exist for hours on end. When it was unbearable was when you were at the office, the coffee shop or riding the bus, because you had to have it with you at all times, waiting for orders from a superior or simply because it provided you with music to drown your loud thoughts.

At times, you felt as if your phone could talk, as if it had grown exasperated with you, as well. You felt as if it yelled at you to talk to him, as if he told you ‘hey, it’s not that hard to tell him you need to see him, just do it, you coward’. But it wasn’t a simple and yes, you were a huge coward, but, as always, you weren’t the best at admitting your mistakes and, with Sehun, you had made a ton of them.

Loud music blasted through your earphones as you sat inside the coffee shop, avoiding your usual table because it felt like betrayal to sit there now, all alone. You sat at one of the stools by the bar that faced the window. You watched people run around, trying to find shelter from the falling snow. Streets were covered in white, still, as they had been for weeks now. It made the city look peaceful when, in reality, everything was much more chaotic.

You fished out your phone from your pocket. Taking deep breaths, trying to convince yourself to text him a simple ‘meet me at the coffee shop’ but once the words were visible on your screen, your heart pounded in anticipation. Were you ready for this yet? You knew you should be, you had stalled enough but still, it scared you. Closure scared you more than it should. The possibility of being alone with him made your heart race in both anticipation and dread.

The air around you shifted and you weren’t quite sure why, that was until you looked up through the large window in front of you, separating you from the cold weather outside, and you spotted him; standing outside as snow fell around him but he remained unbothered, as some sort of catastrophic deity.

Your limbs trembled and you were scared that you might fall backwards if you dared moving. Your hands started sweating and your heart raced with an even more inconstant rhythm than before. He was staring intently at you, even from outside, his gaze pierced through your whole being. You could feel his anger and frustration all the way over to where you were sitting. Even if he was meters away, even if he was across the street and there were people and a thick windowpane in between you.

Sehun’s presence was so strong you wondered how everyone else inside the coffee shop remained unbothered by it. If he continued looking at you any longer, you were afraid his stare would break the window into a million tiny pieces. You cleared your throat, looking down at your hands that held your phone loosely, as your fingers still lingered over the screen, frozen in place as you were still dwelling about texting him before you noticed him being there.

Had your connection transcended the written and spoken communication barrier? Was he able to read your mind even when you were miles apart? You scoffed. Sure, life loved to send hard obstacles your way without even a small hint.

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding, finally standing up as you gripped the counter as tightly as you could as to not loose your ground and fall down, making an even bigger fool of yourself. Taking the still hot cup of coffee in your hand, you walked out, thanking the employees before pushing the door open. Freezing cold air and a few snowflakes hit your skin but it felt more like a thousand knives digging into your skin.

You tried to normalize your breathing as you made your way over to him. He watched your every move, since the moment you stood up until you were out, walking in his direction. You gulped, crossing the street without giving it much thought on whether a car would hit you or not, you still felt like you wanted to die, anyways.

“Did you come here by coincidence?” You spit out as soon as you were next to him, eyes fixated on his snow-covered shoes. He scoffed, dryly. Doubts still lingered. He never made an attempt to contact you either, after you two agreed that you needed to talk. You didn’t bother pushing on that because you didn’t want to deal with the harshness of his words, knowing that he would probably say something that would hurt you, per example, calling you out on the lack of communication from your part, as well.

“It’s not that difficult to know where you are”. He scoffed as he turned around and started walking somewhere, you just weren’t sure where. You followed as soon as you saw his feet moving, head shooting upwards, sparing a glance to him as he looked straight ahead, hands tucked in his pockets.

Every time the lump in your throat reappeared, with more force than before, you felt like chopping your head off, maybe that would be the only solution to that persistent, annoying problem. This was one of your heart’s antics, you were sure. A mere sentimentalism that came with the realization that Sehun’s warmth and comprehension towards you had been securely fading away.

“And yet it still feels as if that’s the only thing you know about me. What a shame”. You barked. Immediately widening your eyes as words escaped your lips. How inconvenient of you, to bring back your sass when it was less than necessary.

Sehun scoffed, after looking at you with a raised eyebrow for a split second. “I could say the same to you, then”.

He was right, there was no arguing about that. If you had figured him and everything else out earlier, you wouldn’t be here, trying to pour your heart out to him without getting smacked because of your inconvenient lack of filter.

There was always something about Sehun that made you want to argue… but not in the serious type of way. Bickering. You liked bickering with Sehun because you could always pour out your thoughts and feelings that way and there was no harm, at least not in how it used to be.

It didn’t feel like a burden when you bickered your honesty away with him, it was always lightweight and oh, how you wished you could do that at the moment, but the rational part of your brain knew that it was probably not the brightest of plans.

You hummed as you sipped on the remainders of your coffee, trying to drag out the comfort that it offered you as the liquid met your ice-cold lips. Sehun kept walking somewhere and you kept trailing by his side, sparing a glance here and there, trying to find a way to start your poorly prepared speech. You noticed, after longer than necessary, that this was the way to the university and suddenly you found yourselves at the bench, right on the open quad; ground completely white as snow kept falling relentlessly from above. You shuddered.

Sehun stopped on his tracks and turned to you, eyes piercing right through you again. Your eyes widened as you looked at him as well. Every single thing around you seemed to stop when you saw him in the eye. The people that walked on the streets around you seem to vanish, snow seemed to cease falling, air seemed to have stopped blowing as you noticed the little things of his complexion that you didn’t realize had been engraved into your mind.

Like the scar on his cheek, the way one eye seemed sharper than the other, the way his jaw tensed when he was upset or overthinking, the way his nostrils reddened by the freezing atmosphere around you.

“I wanted to talk to you about something…” You started, voice merely a whisper; a whisper you weren’t sure he’d be able to hear but you also knew he would anyways, because he always heard you when you muttered, whether it was curse words when you were mad or spit out your feelings in a slurred speech, he always listened. “First of all, whatever you think you saw the other day when you saw me and Chanyeol… Well, whatever you thought it was, it wasn’t. We were just talking”.

You raised your eyebrows, tearing your eyes away from him due to embarrassment, you weren’t going to admit to him that you had kissed Chanyeol on that same day, that was something that had no relevance now because the kiss had sealed away your feelings for him. Whatever pain or discomfort you could spare him, you would definitely do it with your eyes closed.

“None of my business, there”. Sehun scoffed, switching his weight from one leg to another. You scoffed. What a terrible, annoying liar. You weren’t one to talk, when it came to lies, but you felt your blood boil in annoyance at the evident lack of effort he put onto his lie.

“Asshole”. You hissed, rolling your eyes as you took a step backwards, running a hand through your exposed, messy, damp hair due to the cold air and snow that tangled itself on your locks, making it look as if you had just gotten out of bed, probably.

Sehun frowned and squinted his eyes at you and you knew your words had sparked something inside of him, you were scared of that, of course, but you weren’t about to show it now.

“I’m trying to apologize here, can’t you see? And you show up with your whole ’I-don’t-give-a-damn’ attitude. Jesus Christ, give me a break”. You sighed, almost laughing at how ridiculous this was. You were never really one to take the first step when apologizing, you were too proud to do that and now that you were finally cracking out of your shell, he was trying his best to make you lose your temper and throw everything away. “Well, sorry to break it to you, but I’m not Sunhee, you don’t have to act like that with me, we know each other better than that”. You scoffed, looking up at him with a frown. “Even if neither of us wants to admit it”.

His piercing stare had morphed into something else, probably surprise, by seeing how worked-up you were at the moment.

“Do we?” He said, faintly, not taking his eyes off of you. You rolled your own, trying to calm yourself down. You thought apologizing to him would’ve been easier, simpler, yet you managed to forget how smart-mouthed he could get. Silly you.

“Oh, spare me the guilt inducing comments, I feel awful enough as it is”. You sighed, letting your head fall, trying to take deep breaths to collect yourself.

“I mean, if we really did know each other, I would’ve realized sooner that everything was Chanyeol related and wouldn’t have fooled myself by thinking otherwise and you would’ve realized that I had started having feelings for you, woman, before everything went downhill and you chose him instead”. Sehun huffed. You shuddered.

The confirmation you dreaded hit you like a thousand ton snowball, knocking you down unconscious as you tried to wrap your head around the words that had just left his lips. As upset as you were starting you get, his words still stirred something within you. Even when you had the suspicion of it, the confession still felt brand new, knocking the air out from your lungs. Stupid Sehun.

Weirdly enough, you stood speechless before Oh Sehun.

You looked at him in the eye as he pursed his lips onto a thin line, probably regretting saying that, just as you were regretting not talking to him before he got the wrong conclusions.

“I didn’t choose him”. You said, voice monotonous, trying to keep yourself calm even when your heart pounded painfully, making your ears buzz. “What I did to him, luring him to like me wasn’t fair. Just as I did with him, I’m apologizing to you, as well. Sorry for using you, I’m sorry for forcing you into that even when you were the one to suggest it. I’m the one who played along and hurt you as time moved forward so I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for making you believe that I never took your feelings into account. Sorry for making you believe that you didn’t mean anything, Sehun. It wasn’t my intention”. You deadpanned, letting out a laugh, trying hard not to let tears form in your eyes.

Roles reversed, as he now was the one speechless, standing in front of you with a blank expression, probably trying to process your words, just as you were just a few seconds ago. “Neither of you deserve what I did, you both deserve way better. A situation that is not as sickly twisted… You two deserve someone who is not selfish or dumb so, no, Sehun, I didn’t choose Chanyeol. And I hope some day you two can forgive me, but most of all, I hope you two don’t lose your friendship over me because I’m not as relevant. That’s it”.

The words pained you, burning your mouth like boiling acid. Consuming your insides and making you crumble as everything inside you melted away onto the ground, leaving trails of your being behind, as a reminder for future generations that this place was where your heart hurt the most.

How selfish would’ve been of you to fall back into Sehun’s arms after everything that had happened? Just as Chanyeol, Sehun deserved someone better than you. Someone whose priority was always him, someone who wouldn’t push him to his limits all the time, someone that treated him with all the love and kindness he deserved.

You weren’t choosing Chanyeol and as much as you loved Sehun, now that you had come to terms with the feeling, you weren’t choosing Sehun either. It hurt, of course it did, more than anything, but it was what was best for him. For once, in all this time, you didn’t put your own comfort or happiness first. You were looking out for him, praying he’d find the stability he needed, one you couldn’t provide.

“So, let’s give it some time to fall back into place. Maybe, at some point, we can resume our friendship where we left off”. You smiled weakly at him, trying to not show how words were tearing you down, little by little, excruciatingly slow.

You turned around, ready to leave. You didn’t want to break down in front of him. You needed the comfort of your loneliness. You needed to cry your eyes under the boiling hot water and then cry out some more until you fell asleep and you tried to forget that you lost two great men willingly, in hopes that you wouldn’t lose them as friends although you knew very well that was an overly surreal dream of yours. A fantasy, an utopia.

Sehun’s hand flew to yours, tugging you back as you tried to take the first step away from him. You took a deep breath and everything in you trembled, so much you feared he would be able to notice how unstable you were, quite literally. You didn’t want to look at him and show him how you were about to burst into tears.

“You’re not leaving like that”. Sehun laughed breathlessly, probably staring at the back of your head with a frown and shaking his head, trying to comprehend your train of thought.

You turned your head to see over your shoulder just slightly, forcing out a small smile. “I’m always just a phone call away if you need me”. You smiled, bigger this time, closing your eyes, trying to convince him that everything was okay. You needed to convince him in order to convince yourself.

As you tried to release yourself from his grip, he held you tighter.

“What kind of apology do you think this is? Did you just expect me to let you go after this? You could’ve at least come up with a better excuse… ‘ _You deserve better_ ’, that’s a tale as old as time and I’m not buying it, not even if it’s you”. Sehun half yelled, half hissed, tugging you to him, making you stumble and turn your head over your shoulder to look at him with a frown, eyes growing watery, heart weakening.

“Everyone says that when what they actually mean to say is either ‘I don’t love you’ or ‘I’ve found someone else’. For someone who has a way with words, I always thought you could come up with something better, more believable, at least”. Sehun spit out, eyes boring into your soul, taking it away from you without hesitation and crushing it completely.

Your blood boiled. You had never been as honest to him and yet it still wasn’t good enough, of course. You had two options: you either punched him or bawled your eyes out, begging for forgiveness, asking him to believe you as this was you, talking with your heart on your sleeve. As cliché as it sounded, it was nothing but the truth.

Yes, you were dying to be held by him, to find shelter in his arms. Yes, you wanted nothing more than that, but you were also aware that if you got together, pain and guilt would never go away.

You let out a laugh that sounded more like a sigh; it was your heart’s last breath. Still looking at him from over your shoulder, you smiled. “I’ve never been more honest about anything, ever. I love you and because I love you, I want the best for you and I know that is not me”. His expression softened for a split second, giving you a window to walk away now that everything had been said and done.

Whether he bought it or not, it didn’t matter as you basically trotted to the bus stop, in a hurry to get home and dwell the voluntary loss of a love you only got a faint taste of.

-

You were not okay but you were trying really hard to be. Half of your heart was glad Sehun hadn’t tried to contact you, you weren’t sure if you would be able to talk to him without bawling, the other half still longed to hear his voice but it was better that way. Closure was what you all needed. Ironic, indeed, it was closure for something that never really begun, hints of a reality were more painful than anything else. Maybe a true break-up would’ve hurt less. You weren’t sure… You didn’t want to find out, probably an actual break-up would’ve fully destroyed you, instead.

The office had become your shelter again, you might as well sneak your mattress into one of the conference rooms and claim it as your bedroom. You felt safe there because there was no way to run into anyone of your friends, there was no way anyone would ask you about either of them because no one really knew them, let alone the circumstance. To everyone’s eyes in there, they were just two of your ‘four handsome friends’ and that was as much as you could handle, honestly.

Letting out your frustrations onto your articles was better than eating your feelings away. At least you would earn something from it. Maybe, someday realization would hit you like a brick while you worked and all your open wounds would miraculously heal overnight. You hoped they would. They obviously couldn’t be open forever. You tried to find solace on your best friend’s words, who you had talked to immediately after leaving Sehun alone at the quad, when you felt like just an empty shell with no purpose whatsoever.

“If you think that was the best choice then it is, for you… I want you to feel okay and I support you a hundred percent right now and I always will. Time heals everything, dear”. She tried to cheer you up from the other end of the receiver as you were sprawled on your couch, music blasting from your speakers as you let the tears flow freely down your face. You weren’t weeping, nor sobbing, you just let sadness engulf you whole and do with your body as it pleased.

Fast forward to now, almost a week after the ominous day, as you got out of the office nearing midnight, yet again, headphones plugged in securely into your ears, blasting random songs to try and distract your mind from overthinking. You tried the hardest to smile on your way home; you knew it had been for the best. You knew, with time, things would go back to normal and you’d have your group of friends back, without any awkward feelings.

Of course, you would always love them both. You would always love Chanyeol for how great he had been towards you, inexplicably sympathetic with you, always sparing you smiles even when you least deserved them. You would always love Sehun as well, of course. You would never forget how he always had your back and always tried to make you smile, even if it was by bickering, how he was always there even if you didn’t ask him to, how he grew to understand you better than anyone and how he was always dead honest, even if it was bittersweet.

You let out a soundless laugh as you made your way up the stairs to your apartment, elongating the time as much as you could before you were enclosed at home yet again and flashing memories of him in there flooded your mind.

You tore away your earphones as you threw your keys onto the coffee table before warming up a cup of water to drink some chamomile tea to try and relax yourself enough as to go to bed. You sighed, retrieved the warm cup from the inside of your microwave and made your way to the rooftop, a routine you had quickly grown accustomed to. Cold air welcomed you out but you didn’t shiver. You had gotten used to that, as well, you saw it as a way of clearing your mind and cleansing your body, as if it could freeze and wash away the muscle memory you had of him.

You didn’t make your way to the railway; afraid your clammy hands would let your cup drop onto the ground, probably injuring someone in the process. That was just the luck you had.

You stared up at the sky. For the first time in months, probably, it was clear. Stars shun brightly from above, the moon was full and bright, so much it made you squint. The corners of your mouth tilted up involuntarily at the sight.

“How dare you leave me alone at the quad when I still had so much to say to you?” His voice, coming from somewhere behind you made you widen your eyes so much, you felt they were going to pop out and fall from your skull. You gulped, limbs trembling. You were scared to turn around and see him. You thought you had been doing okay with the whole coping thing. You thought, maybe, you’d be okay to see him again once classes resumed but, of course, your plans were shattered when he decided to show up out of nowhere, practically invading private property. “Just because you were done talking doesn’t mean that I was”.

You heard him moving from somewhere behind you until you were able to spot him from the corner of your eye. How creepy of him, lurking in a dark corner, waiting for you to show up. He walked around until he was standing in front of you, making you gulp and grasp your cup so tightly that your knuckles were pale. What was it with him always making an appearance when you were holding a drink in your hands?

“I’m sorry”. You muttered, blinking quickly as he scanned your nervous expression.

“Stop apologizing, it’s driving me insane. Yell at me, argue with me, punch me, kiss me, whatever you want, but stop apologizing”. You gulped, pursing your lips as your breathing lost its rhythm.

“I don’t know how you expected me to react after you told me you loved me and if I showed up inconveniently unannounced, interrupting your day, please don’t be mad but I haven’t been able to sleep since then”. He blurted out. You opened your mouth to say something but he cut you off, putting a finger up.

“Listen, I didn’t mean for this to happen, I’m obviously not mature enough for your standards and most of the time I say senseless, ruthless things, I know that. I know that’s what you think of me, but somewhere along the way I found myself unable to think about anyone’s happiness but yours or anything else other than you, for that matter; like how annoyed you probably were that the coffee shop ran out of your favorite club sandwich for lunch time that day… Or how happy you were to notice that the Halloween movies were already on TV or how you’d laugh at one of my remarks and rolled your eyes immediately afterwards…”

Sehun’s rambling made you want to laugh, it was rare of him to say so many words at once but you held it back, mainly because your heart was beating so fast, you were afraid that if you opened your mouth and let out a breath, you would go into cardiac arrest. His words had the ability to make you want to cry but also punch him for being so unwise.

“…And then I noticed how in too deep I was and I wanted to run away but at the same time I _couldn’t_ and then I realized that the way I was feeling towards you was exactly how you felt towards Chanyeol: seeing the person you liked loving someone else, even if said person meant everything to you… and I understood, better than ever, what the phrase ‘ _if they’re happy, I’m happy_ ’ meant but I am selfish and I don’t mind admitting it, it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t want you to be happy because of someone else… Let alone want you to be miserable because of someone else, _anyone_ else. I want you to be happy and, in case you haven’t noticed by now, I want to contribute to that happiness in any way that I can… If you let me or even better, if you don’t kill me after I finish talking”.

Sehun let out a deep breath, as if he had memorized all the words he had just said and spit them out as quickly as he could without missing anything from his speech. You tore your eyes away from him, trying to calm your heart down. You looked at the building behind him as you sipped on your tea, in a weak attempt to clear your head. Futile attempt, of course.

You had made your choice and your choice was to choose no one; to spare everyone the suffering. As much as his words only made the love you had for him grow bigger and stronger, he still deserved better. Hearing him admit those little things he noticed about you made your heart flutter and expand for him but that didn’t mean you could be together. As much as you wanted it, as much as your heart begged for it and your body tugged you in his direction, your brain was reassuring you what you already knew.

“Oh Sehun…” You started, laughing emotionlessly as you put your cup away on an abandoned chair that lay next to you with rust all over it. Sehun’s eyes were glued to you, following your every movement, making you shudder; taking deep breaths, trying to muster the courage to repeat the words that you already knew where going to rip you apart.

“One day you will meet someone that will fit so effortlessly and perfectly with you that you will stop to wonder why you ever thought you loved someone else; why you even bothered to look at anyone else and it will make sense, then. You will forget every moment in your life that was spent with you suffering and everything will fall into place. You’ll feel complete”. You choked out, trying as hard as you could to swallow the tears and the lump in your throat.

The words that you were blurting out burned but they were the truest you have ever spoken. You wished, with all your heart that that someone was you but you knew it wasn’t. You were too egotistical, awful, flawed… And you had hurt him enough as it was.

“I already found that someone”. Sehun spit out, expression calm as his eyes never left yours. “I know you know that”. His eyes grew darker, maybe it was because of the dim lighting around you but it still sent shivers down your spine; shivers that the freezing weather wasn’t able to elicit from you, Oh Sehun could do it with just a simple glance as he looked like a piece of art as the moonlight enhanced his angled features and spotless skin.

The words you had spoken weren’t empty, you didn’t blurt them out in hopes they would fit the situation, you spoke them because that’s how you felt for him. Because Sehun was the one who opened your eyes to a new reality and your heart to the possibility of true love.

He made you question all your past choices, including your blind love for Chanyeol. Sehun was a fit for you, as a classmate, as a friend, as a partner, you were a hundred percent sure. But you weren’t a fit for him. You were truly convinced that there would be someone out there better for him that you would ever be because even now, when you were trying to look out for him, you kept hurting him.

You laughed, both breathlessly and emotionlessly as you looked down at your feet, kicking at non-existent pebbles. You saw his feet coming closer, your heart skipped a beat and you were afraid to look up and meet his eyes. You were afraid to get lost in him again, for good.

“What do I have to say to convince you that you’re _it_ for me?” He sighed, almost chuckling. You finally looked up, confused as a frown took over your features. You bit the inside of your cheek. “Haven’t I said enough? Was I not clear? Haven’t I done enough to show you that this is _it_? That I don’t want to look for anyone else because no one would ever come close to how you make me feel? I could try to get however many one-night-stands to try and make me forget about you but I’m sure none of them would make my heart beat as it does for you. Hell… I don’t even want to bother doing that; it wouldn’t be worth it, because I’d know you’re out there, somewhere”. You gulped, feeling as he started to lean in closer towards you. Every single organ inside of you had given up the exact moment his hands cupped your cheeks, warmer than they should’ve been with the cold air blowing around you with tremendous force.

He leaned forward, painfully slowly until his lips met yours. Your eyes widened at first, feeling like this was the first time you were truly kissing. As if the other kisses you had shared before happened a million years ago. Reluctantly, you relaxed against his touch, exhaling as you let your eyes close and you reciprocated the kiss, which intensified the moment he felt your stubbornness fade away. He kissed you more intensely, pressing his lips harder onto yours, moving them rhythmically, knocking the air out from your lungs. In a good way.

Your hands trembled as they found their way to his waist, gripping the fabric of his padded jacket as you kissed him back with as much conviction as he was kissing you. Sehun pulled you closer to him as one of his hands found its place on your lower back. He tilted his head to the side to have better access to you, which you granted him without a second thought, sighing involuntarily.

Something about this kiss didn’t feel like a goodbye, like the one you had given Chanyeol. You knew it wasn’t what you had foreseen; this definitely wasn’t the closure you were expecting to have.

His tongue explored every inch and nook of your mouth, as if memorizing it. His strong hands kept tugging you towards him, probably afraid that you were going to disappear at any given second if he let you go, but you had never felt as present as you did in that moment. The hand that still rested on your cheek, travelled down to your neck, caressing it with his thumb as he separated from you for a second, scanning your face, searching for something in your eyes.

He smiled before leaning down again, kissing you with the smirk still adorning his full, soft lips. Your hands flew to his neck as well, one of them toying with the ends of his black hair, surprisingly soft. He hummed against your lips, sending trembles all over your body.

Sehun was your warmth in the winter and a cooling breeze during the summer. Someone who had the ability to drive you insane but keep you fair-minded, all at once. When he drove you crazy, he managed to bring you back down and assure your own stability with his mere presence. Sehun was home, a safe place to which you could come back to whenever and however many times you needed to. Sehun was there unconditionally and even when you left, he pulled you back in because he knew you better than you knew yourself.

Sehun advised you but never restrained you. Never tried to change the way you were. He accepted all your flaws and still managed to like you after that. Sehun was a diamond, one you didn’t have to steal to have in your possession because he had willingly given himself to you, even when you thought you were not deserving of him.

Somewhere along the way, you had found yourselves back down to your apartment as you two laid in bed, lips still connected, clothes discarded as he caressed every inch of your skin as he hovered over you. He broke the kiss again, looking at you with warm eyes as he tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear. The twinkly lights that hung on the furthest wall of your bedroom made him look even more ethereal.

“Honestly, how did you expect me to react after you said you loved me?” He muttered before peppering kisses all over your face and proceeding to move down to your neck until he found your collarbones. You let out a sigh, entangling your fingers in his locks.

“I just wanted you to believe me”. You said, amidst heavy sighs. He scoffed, looking up at you one more time, intertwining your free hand with his.

“Dumb… I’m going to make love to you now”. He said with raised eyebrows, eyes never leaving yours, which you rolled. Typical Sehun, but you didn’t complain, instead you pulled him in to you by the nape, clashing your lips to his’, taking initiative for the first time since he had appeared in front of you on the rooftop, ever since he had turned you into mush, caving in to his words, reminding you why you had fallen inadvertently for him in the first place.

Sehun was bliss, materialized glory as he filled you entirely. Making you feel complete for the first time in what felt like forever. You hated yourself for hurting him and also hated yourself for attempting to push him away.

Sehun was gentle but also passionate as he praised you and admired every inch of your bare self, exposed completely to him, not only physically but emotionally as well. You were raw and open and he embraced it as much as he embraced you in his arms as he peppered kisses to your neck as he pulled you to sit over him, entangling your limbs around each other.

Your free hand intertwined itself with his locks, yet again; the two of you smiling faintly as he continuously filled you with both love and passion, making you shiver and forget about the bitter moments. Goosebumps erupted all over your skin as he hit that spot within you and you struggled to keep up but you didn’t let yourself go because you weren’t ready to unwrap yourself from him just yet. For as long as he wanted to stay, you wanted to stay wrapped securely in his arms.

He pulled you towards him again, kissing you fervently as he pounded onto you, hands on your waist as he hoisted you up and down. You were breathless, happy, but breathless nonetheless as a moan broke free from your throat and escaped your lips, earning a cocky grin from him. You clenched around him, earning a groan and he held you tighter when you both reached your climax and clashed over the mattress, still entangled in each other, the echo of your lewd loving session still lingered in the air.

Unaware of at what point you had succumbed to dreamland, your eyes fluttered open a few hours later, when you felt too chilly for your own good and remembered that you weren’t alone. You remembered that you were fully exposed and had someone by your side, someone who surprised you with his half open eyes as he stared at you and threw your covers over your two bodies without you saying anything, let alone you asking him to do so.

The thing about Oh Sehun, he truly did know you like he knew his favorite movie or maybe even better than that, because he didn’t just memorized you, he also understood you.

He pulled you to him again, with a hand wrapped around your waist, a hand that didn’t leave that spot for even the slightest of moments, reminding you of his stubborn decision to not leave, one you were grateful for, even if it had made things even harder. You looked at his face, memorizing every curve and every freckle, memorizing the length of his eyelashes and the arch of his eyebrows.

“Don’t ever say that I deserve better because you’re way better than what I bargained for”. Your heart fluttered, making your chest feel warm and full for the first time in months. “Even when you argue on the stupidest things. I love you because of that, as well”.

You scoffed, rolling your eyes and keeping them closed as you felt him tug you even closer, nuzzling your face to the crook of his neck before staying still as his warm breath tickled your oversensitive skin.

Finding Sehun was a coincidence. Liking his best friend was another coincidence but falling for Oh Sehun was entirely unprecedented.

Sehun had been a turning point in your life and this was bliss.

_________________________


	11. EPILOGUE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So this is the epilogue. A bit of a look onto the character’s future, inspired a little bit by pcychedelic’s ‘All We’ve Got is Tonight’ . A hint of angst as usual, lots of flashbacks that are written in italics. Could be read as a One-Shot, I believe, but it would be quite a messy one, ANYHOW… Thank you for reading and pls, ignore my typos and everything 😗

It was something about this place. It always felt like it was either the best or the worst decision you had ever made. You were constantly torn between leaving and never coming back or staying rooted in place and embracing the city that took you in and sheltered you.

It was a twisted situation.

You felt this way when you first started college and throughout your years as a student, things never really changed. Yes, sometimes you felt more inclined towards one side of the scale but you never stepped down from it.

It was either yes or no, black and white, there was no in between. The feeling always lingered in the back of your head even if you tried to ignore the pounding coming from somewhere in your nape.

Mostly, it was happiness. After everything had settled onto its rightful place –sort of–, you had found yourself falling into quite the happy life. Cloud 9, almost.

 _Almost_ was the key word.

That was the thing about being in a relationship with someone who was more than just your lover; he was your best friend and, somehow, he also managed to play the part of your annoying therapist that kept you level-headed when you started to lose yourself in either anxiety or excitement.

The bad moments, even when still present, of course, weren’t enough as to eclipse the good ones and you jumped to label yourself as the dumb, oblivious one without anyone having to force you to, or on the other hand, labeling you themselves.

It was obvious, how much of a good fit Sehun was to you. You had been too dumb and distracted with someone else to notice it at first, but he was good. _Too_ good, sometimes. As if you two were cut by the same knife, but not quite.

It was scary at times, but you tried not to dwell on your similarities and just enjoyed them whenever you could and also used them to your own advantage if needed be.

Sehun wasn’t your other half and you weren’t his’, either. You were two wholes that complimented each other perfectly fine. Sometimes, you thought, if it weren’t for the fact that he didn’t have boobs, you could’ve sworn he could easily pass as yourself. An even prettier version of you and you were okay with that, honestly.

He knew you all too well for anyone’s good. He had a key to both your heart and mind, to come in and out whenever he so desired. Even if annoying, you welcomed him with open arms and a warm cup of tea –something you would never, in a thousand years, tell him about–.

Sehun was cocky enough as it was. He didn’t need yet another invitation to flaunt the fact that he knew you better than you knew yourself. And that worked for you because you also knew him quite well, much to his dismay.

It was like seeing your reflection on someone else’s body and learning to love yourself because of that. Because you loved him, you had learned to love yourself, little by little.

But love, you had learned, whether it was self-love or towards another person, had an expiration date, unfortunately. Much like everything, it seemed to only last for a set period of time before it went bad or, in your case –as much as it pained to admit it– disappeared.

You hadn’t figured out the pattern yet, of how long love could last before fading away or morphing into something unhealthy, but you knew it did, _eventually_ , and even when you looked back on it, your heart still hurt.

So, being here was the definition, the pictorial description of bittersweet.

Coming back wasn’t a mistake but it was the scariest thing you had to face. Second scariest, actually. The first one was leaving, five years ago. You scoffed. Of course it had to be that way, you thought.

You left with a broken heart and you considered –hoped, as a matter of fact– that maybe, next time you’d be here things would’ve changed… Maybe you would’ve healed completely, forget about everything and start anew but alas, things didn’t change all that much; not at all, indeed. Your heart still pounded with difficulty; it was still broken. Weak repairs that time had done on it came undone by the mere sight of the city that built you up to who you were today.

And, still, in its trembling state, your heart still loved him. The remainders of your heart still shook in place because of him and you still had his name engraved on every centimeter of your body. Tattooed onto your skin with invisible ink, ink only you and him knew was there. Ink produced by the love and partnership you two had shared and built over the years.

Oh Sehun taught you both love and with love came disgrace, unfortunately. You prayed, to whoever was listening at the time, that it wasn’t the case, but you knew, in the end, it would be.

The end. That’s it. Everything has an end and you knew that, you just didn’t want to accept it. Not when it involved Sehun, at least.

You sighed, pulling your oversized blazer tighter over your body before crossing your arms over your chest. Your eyes scanned the constantly moving band with a hint of desperation as you bit your lip, trying to remain calm; trying to ignore the hoards of frantic people running around, some of them pushing you away to get a hold of their luggage.

It had been years and life still hated you. It hated you because it had given you no option but to love him, in spite of everything. Even if it was as a lover, as a best friend, as someone who broke your heart… As someone whose heart you broke, as well, most likely. You laughed dryly to yourself. Life was a bitch, that’s something you already had learned all too well and _this_ was your punishment for trying to fight back.

As soon as you had gotten off the plane and breathed in the air of the city that had been home to you for so many years; as soon as you set foot on its ground, it had been as if the years gone by had never existed at all. You were still hopelessly in love and your heart still ached because of it and life was mocking you, laughing at you for caring, pointing fingers at you for being so naïve as to believe you’d ever get what you wanted, for _good_ , at least.

The vibration of your cellphone from inside your pocket interrupted your lame sorrowful thoughts, pulling you back down to reality in a rather harsh way. It was the way things worked in your life, you had come to realize; if they happened too subtly then they didn’t happen at all. You had to be pushed and pulled with brute force because you were too blind to notice little hints and too stubborn to accept them even when they were too obvious but inconvenient. They had to hurt and drive you crazy and you were aware it wasn’t healthy of you, but that’s the way it was and you were trying hard to change it.

At least, that’s what you told yourself everyday. You were trying, you _really_ were.

“Hello, stranger”. His groggy voice warmly said through the speaker. A corner of your mouth shot upwards in reflex. “What a better way to wake up than to hear your voice. You already here?”

Of course you smiled, you couldn’t help yourself. He still had that effect on you because he was still _him_. And you were still you and you both still had a piece of the other’s heart, regardless of the circumstance.

“If you’re barely waking up at noon then you have some unresolved problems going on. Especially for a twenty-eight year old man who has a job, Chanyeol”. You heard him groan yet laugh, a weird mixture of sounds and emotions. You were being annoying yet he couldn’t help but snicker at your words. “Yes, Chanyeol. I’m waiting for my luggage so hurry up because I’m really hungry”.

“On my way, ma’am”. Chanyeol chuckled before the line went dead.

This was just one example of how twisted your relationship had gotten over the years and, honestly, it was most definitely on the mellow side of examples.

If it was already twisted eight years ago, now it was an indecipherable mess. No one would dare try to solve it, not even you two. Yet, somehow, it had become your safety net and when everything had crumbled down, Chanyeol was the only one person that came to mind when you thought of someone who could possibly help you heal.

*

_You felt split in two and you were scared. Scared because you were feeling this was a bad omen. You had had the feeling for weeks but you were in too deep into denial… But this, right now, not having even an ounce of emotion was the final straw._

_You had to accept it and you had to do it now._

_A goodbye._

_It was as if your body knew before you, that the end was nearing. That it was unavoidable. That the flame had died down enough as to question its liability._

_That you had to let Sehun go._

_Your body had the hunch for weeks and you were too dumb to acknowledge it. Maybe you should’ve paid attention to the fact that most of the time you weren’t feeling anything, at all. No frustration when you were late, no anger because someone cut you off on the line to get coffee. No sadness when you saw a stray puppy, no happiness when someone congratulated you at the office and treated you with a pastry._

_You should’ve listened to and accepted the signs before now, so it would’ve been easier but you didn’t and nothing really assured you that if you did, it would’ve been easier. Maybe it would’ve turned out the other way around. Ripping it like a Band-Aid had never been the way you rolled, but torturing yourself over a single event wasn’t something you were fond of, either._

_A thump. That was it; that was all you could feel. A thump given by your heart the moment your eyes laid on his figure when you came back home from work and saw him either staring out the window or hunched over the counter as he prepared coffee. A thump, a single flip and then it died down again, leaving a ghostly feeling behind, making you question if you still had a working heart or not._

_Was it a happy one? Was it sad? Was it melancholic in advance, missing him even before he was gone in the first place? You weren’t sure._

_At the moment, you knew you should’ve felt frustrated, angry as you threw your bag onto the couch and slipped off your shoes. You should’ve been frustrated because he wasn’t saying anything. You should’ve been angry that he was so adamant on keeping his phone out of your view. But you weren’t; you weren’t frustrated or sad or angry. You just **were**._

_You just existed as you tried to accept that this was **it** and that it was okay; that this was how life worked most of the time and that you weren’t the only one that ever thought of finding the **one** to lose them some time later; maybe months, maybe years, but eventually, anyways._

_You tried to give yourself a pat on the back or smack yourself out of the miserable state but you couldn’t because you couldn’t even move as you saw him. Still, almost petrified as he looked out the window with his hands tucked on the pockets of his pants._

_“You can go if you want to”. Your voice was merely a whisper but you knew he had heard you loud and clear, he always did even when he pretended he didn’t. You also didn’t have to say much, he knew you didn’t just mean the apartment, Sehun knew what you were talking about, probably knew what you were feeling better than you knew yourself._

_Maybe Sehun could feel your uncertainty and heartbreak for weeks on end and the thought made you feel apologetic._

_Sehun knew what you were thinking and you were thankful for that. You loved him for that but it was probably too late to remind him of the fact._

_“I’m not sure if I want to”. He muttered, turning his head so he could look at you from over his shoulder. You didn’t want to dwell on the strange glimmer that covered his eyes and snuck from behind the longer, darker strands of hair that fell over his forehead, because you didn’t want to break down in front of him, **because** of him. He had had enough of seeing you in that state and you’ve had enough of feeling that way but it was unavoidable._

_“If there’s any doubt then we both have to leave”. You forced out a smile even if it wasn’t sincere. Your voice was shaking because you were acting against your will and your heart but you’d rather end on good –great, even– terms than to let things go down hill and spiral onto something you’d rather not remember at all._

_You were letting Sehun go even if you didn’t want to but you didn’t want to force him to be with you when he clearly didn’t feel comfortable anymore. A shiver ran up and down your spine._

*

You had your fair share of forcing people into situations just to get what you wanted. You’ve experienced enough crises due to your selfishness and you knew, even when you wanted to hold him and feel his arms engulf you and pull you in onto his torso as he buried his nose in your hair, even when you wanted that more than anything, you weren’t going to force him to stay.

You loved Sehun and you knew you’d love him always and that was mainly why you had let him go. Because you wanted his happiness more than your own, you always had. He had deserved more since before you were a thing, and you knew, yet he seemed to finally have realized that you had been right since all those years ago, when you talked on your rooftop.

You knew he had finally realized that when he left with tears rimming his eyes but you tried really hard not to dwell on that, even when your heart broke out from its numb shell and sent waves of sharp, unbearable pain to your whole body.

Is that how it feels? To lose it all? Like it burns you to the core and then it leaves you to freeze over memories that you can never have back and you can’t run, can’t hide, can’t do anything about it than to go back to the places and times where you were the happiest as your heart continued to freeze even more and your charcoal bones shivered with melancholy.

You probably deserved it but even after a few weeks, you wanted someone to hold you and put you back together. You didn’t know if you had lost one too many pieces of yourself for good now. Maybe you’d never be whole again because Sehun was a huge part of you and he was gone. And with him gone, you felt like a stranger in your own body.

As broken as you were, you wanted someone to tell you it would be fine, even if they didn’t mean it. Even if their words were empty and meaningless. You just wanted to hear them and you knew it was risqué but there was no one else who could’ve comforted you better.

No one in this world was as warm as him. And you were too dumb and heartbroken to think things through in a better, more careful manner.

*

_You knocked on his door with a shaky hand. It could’ve gone two ways. One was he opened the door and thought you were here to ask him to come back and apologize for not fighting for him and the other was, his best friend opened the door and he comforted you like you needed to be comforted._

_“Hey…” Chanyeol greeted you that afternoon, when you finally got out of bed after almost three weeks and mustered up both the strength and courage to leave your comfort zone. He greeted you with a knowing smile and understanding, welcoming eyes as he engulfed you in a hug. Dumb of you to think he wouldn’t know._

_You sighed, not really capable of speaking up. Your throat was too dry and you were beyond weak. A part of you grew sadder when Sehun didn’t open the door but you knew it was a good thing, sort of, the beginning of closure._

_Chanyeol’s embrace was the temporary shelter you were looking for._

*

You didn’t know what you expected by coming here. You didn’t even remember the exact moment you decided to accept the invitation and bought your plane ticket. It’s as if your mind was sparing you the doubt and embarrassment of reappearing into your friends’ lives after being away for so long.

Did you expect things would magically change and everything to be as it was? With all the guys acting as nothing happened between you and Sehun, as if you didn’t break each other’s hearts? As if you didn’t basically push him to walk away? As if he didn’t hide things from you and grew cold towards you? As if you didn’t give up on your relationship?

Hopefully, yes, but you knew better than that. You weren’t quite sure on the details, Chanyeol always tiptoed around the subject more carefully and discretely than the others; if he could avoid talking about or mentioning Sehun, he definitely would and you were sure it’d be the same with you when he was with Sehun. You weren’t sure but you knew the generalities of it all because, at times, someone would let _something_ slip.

Like the time you were having dinner and some drinks with Chanyeol, Baekhyun and Junmyeon.

*

_Somehow Sehun had come up to conversation. You tried to keep your smile frozen on your face, tried to not make it obvious that it still stung, hearing his name. Baekhyun was laughing, maybe he had one too many drinks for the night, maybe he didn’t mean it when he said Sehun had been with **her**. You smiled because drunken Baekhyun was a funny sight but you also smiled to hide the consuming, burning sensation that originated on your -mostly- empty chest._

_Chanyeol knew it hurt. Even if it hurt him as well, he knew you were hurting more than anyone, more than ever, probably. Chanyeol knew you were in constant pain, even if you tried to hide it from him, even if he tried to fix you. Chanyeol knew; that’s why he kicked Baekhyun on his shin and squeezed your knee gently. Because he knew._

*

You had gotten closer to the rest of Chanyeol and Sehun’s friends due to your relationship. You weren’t wary because you knew it’d happen eventually and you appreciated having more people around. Just like you became close to Jongin and Minseok, with time you grew closer with the rest, especially Baekhyun and Kyungsoo.

Baekhyun was like a burning ray of sunshine. Much like Chanyeol but even louder than him, which could be overwhelming at times but it helped you when you were feeling blue. Kyungsoo was the friend you could vent to whenever Chanyeol wasn’t around or you felt your feelings were too much for Chanyeol to handle, especially with your past… and your present, at the moment, for all that mattered.

You didn’t want to burden Chanyeol or make him think like he wasn’t doing a good job on rebuilding you, but you still had some common sense left in you and you wouldn’t want to talk about Sehun to Chanyeol all that often. You didn’t want to hurt him again.

*

_You had made your intentions clear since the beginning. You knew it wasn’t smart, but you needed the escape. It had taken you two long enough to fall back into place for you to ruin everything on the first chance you got, due to Sehun of all reasons._

_You had chosen Sehun over Chanyeol. You had broken Chanyeol’s heart over your unexpected love towards Sehun and now you were here. Muffling your weeps and cries with Chanyeol’s soft black sweatshirt._

_Chanyeol held you tight against his chest whenever you needed to let some tears fall. Even when you felt rather content during the day, at the end, when night fell upon you, your heart remained empty and your tears were too many to hold back. Your chest didn’t burn with pain anymore but crying became a part of you, a reflex, like breathing. You cried in reflex, due to his absence and it hurt but you knew that it would stop eventually._

_You’d never stop missing him, you’d never stop loving him, you just hoped you’d stop crying soon._

_“Thank you for coming”. You said after clearing your throat, wiping your tears with the back of your hand as you sat cross-legged on top of your bed, where you had been lying, wrapped in Chanyeol’s embrace. He watched you closely as you straightened up and tucked your hair behind your ears, sniffling from time to time._

_His hand flew to your back, rubbing soothing circles against you, trying to comfort you and relax you._

_“I’ve told you over and over. I’m always here whenever you need me”. And so, the guilt came back again, for dragging him into this, unwillingly, without another hidden meaning; just you being broken, just you being lonely. Just you needing comfort from someone you knew loved you, because the one you loved was gone._

_“It’s selfish of me to ask you this but… Would you stay? Because I need you, Chanyeol. I really do”. You turned over your shoulder, trying not to think that you were mirroring Sehun’s stance on the day that he left. Trying not to let your mind wander back to him. Your eyes filled with tears once more as you met Chanyeol’s warm, almond orbs._

_Chanyeol smiled at you, a soft, tender smile as his hand travelled up to your shoulder and he found support in you to sit up as well, resting his head on your other shoulder as he squeezed you gently. You looked down at him, he looked so soft and pure with this longer hair becoming fluffier and curlier as it kept growing out, and there you were, once more, taking advantage of his beautiful soul._

_“As long as you need me to. For whatever you need me or want me to. I’m here”. He murmured and you smiled an empty smile. You laid your hand on your knee, open for him to grab and so he did and he intertwined your fingers without a second thought._

_Chanyeol didn’t leave your side since that day. For whatever you wanted, which was kind of uncalled for but you two were humans. Young humans with physical needs and so he was there all the time, whenever you called. You had explained that you couldn’t do it, –a relationship with him, that is– not at the moment. Not when the memories of Sehun still lingered raw and fresh on your memory._

_Chanyeol was okay, he understood that neither of you were ready to be in a relationship but he still put his body and soul at your mercy until the day you left and he was okay with that, too. Because Chanyeol was an angel._

*

Chanyeol picked you up shortly after; surprising you with how fast he got there and making you scold him for driving so recklessly.

“You said you were very hungry so I sped”. He shrugged as he took your luggage from you and carelessly threw it onto the back seat of his SUV before holding the door open for you to get in. You huffed.

“You know how hungry it’ll make me when you get into an accident for driving like that?” You complained, now fully seated. He laughed out loud, smacking the door shut and walking around with a smile plastered on his face.

The conversation was light, almost non-existent after that. You were too distracted by the view. Remembering the streets and spotting a few familiar people, mostly the owners or employees of the places you frequented.

“Do you want to drop off your bags first or do you want to grab something to eat first?” Chanyeol asked as he lowered the music’s volume, looking at you intermittently from the corner of his eye. You scoffed.

“I’d rather not carry my shit-ton of luggage around, thank you very much”. Chanyeol laughed again, squeezing your hand for a split second before continuing to drive.

It dawned on you, once he parked his car in front of the oh-so-familiar building, what he meant when he said ‘drop off your bags’. Your breathing hitched and you felt your hands sweating; everything around you was suddenly spinning. You were scared to see him once more, then again, you didn’t think Chanyeol would be so fool.

When he noticed the look of despair taking over your eyes, he put a hand over your knee, patting you a couple times to get your attention. You could feel your brow furrowing, your jaw tensing up, you could feel every muscle of your body trying to hold back the urge to sprint away and yet you were still frozen in place. So you looked at him with a terrified expression that you were positive looked quite insane and, honestly, quite unpleasant.

“He moved out a couple months ago, it’s okay”. Chanyeol said, a forced smile taking over his lips. It’s as if he read your mind, then again, Sehun was the main topic of most of the conversations you two had, especially on the first years after the ‘event’. As you liked to call it.

And there it was; your heart flipping once more. At the mention of him. At the thought and memories of him. At a simple ‘what if’. What if he was there, what if you saw him again? What if he saw _you_ again? What if he wasn’t alone?

What if you couldn’t handle it?

Being back there was bittersweet. It looked basically the same as you remembered it; still quite messy but not as much. Less dirty dishes, that was for sure.

You knew taking a look around was harmless yet you were also aware of the feelings it was going to stir within you. Chanyeol huffed as he took your bags somewhere else, letting you alone in the living room as you contemplated on whether or not to walk down the long hall that you knew would take you to his bedroom.

Former bedroom.

Of course you gave in, when it came to anything Sehun related, you always gave in and it felt strange. It felt strange to feel how your heart pounded with a constant rhythm. Every step you took meant a strong beat that resonated all through your body and made your ears ring.

Your hand trembled as you grabbed the handle and pushed it open hesitantly. You didn’t know what you were expecting. Maybe by some sort of magic trick he’d be there, waiting for you, but of course he wasn’t so you felt stupid; stupid and empty, just like his room.

Walls were still painted light gray giving it an eerie ambiance, the only piece of furniture left was a worn out nightstand. It stung to see his absence materialize onto the empty room and you imagined that’s what it probably looked inside your heart, with him gone, the only difference would be that the walls inside of you were filled with pictures of _him_.

How sappy you had become. You scoffed, turning around on your heels, ready to leave.

“Still having a thing for snooping around?” Chanyeol chuckled with eyebrows raised, as he stood right in front of you. You wondered for how long he’d been there, witnessing how your eyes filled with tears by the view of an empty space. You scoffed, again, pushing past him.

It was such a weird time of your life. To attend one of your friends’ wedding. You never thought you’d see the day, then again there was no way of stopping the aging process, let alone life itself and, out of everyone, you always thought of Minseok as the one who would have a more stable, exemplary life.

Minseok had met Mina shortly after you and Sehun started going out –officially– and had become inseparable ever since. You envied them now, in a good way, of course; their relationship sailed smoothly since the beginning. No drama whatsoever. Two years in and they were already living together and as happy as you had ever seen them.

Mina was a sweet girl, smart beyond belief and a bit shy but not as much as to make it awkward. You knew she was a great fit for Minseok and you gave them your unnecessary blessing because you knew they were going to be endgame.

You smiled when you received the immaculate invitation on the mail. Leave it to Minseok to actually send in perfectly designed invitations through mail and to have them arrive on perfect time.

The location was a country club, composed of a lot of bungalows and a main, rustic looking building; another perfect fit for them.

You stood alone at the front door, way before the rest of the guests were supposed to arrive, still wearing your sweats and loose shirt although you already had your hair and makeup in perfect place.

“I’m glad you could make it. I declare myself guilty for thinking you might decline at the last minute”. You heard Minseok chuckle from somewhere to your left. You turned with widened eyes. You had missed him a lot, as well. You had missed everyone, actually, more than you would ever admit.

“I would never”. You laughed, giving him a hug and letting the memories of your college years fill your mind.

“We both know that’s a lie, you’ve turned down your fair share of invitations to come back, but okay, I’ll let it slip this time”. He patted your back as he let you go. You rolled your eyes at him as you tucked your hands in your pockets.

“I can’t come back every time Jongin has a showcase or a master class, I’m not rich, nor have I enough time off available”. Your heart clenched. Those weren’t the only reasons why you had declined to come back but of course they had played a part.

“We miss you a lot, it’s not the same without you. Your bickering really did wonders for the atmosphere around here”. Minseok chuckled. You knew his usage of the first-person plural didn’t include him but your heart wasn’t entirely aware; it was still hopeful.

You cleared your throat, trying to get rid of the heaviness that started to spread to all of your body, originating in your chest.

“Groom shouldn’t be late, that’s the bride’s job. Go on, get ready for the start of rest of your life”. You smiled at him, crooking your head to the side and admiring how his face lit up when you said those words. Minseok truly was a blessing. He smiled widely at you before going back to where he came from.

You sighed as you made your way back to your designated bungalow to finish getting ready, both physically and mentally because God knows, you’d need all the mental and emotional preparation you could get.

Maybe he’d turn down the invitation. Maybe he was busy, maybe he found out you were coming and decided to spare everyone the awkwardness.

Maybe. But you were sure he wouldn’t, because he was an ass but he loved his friends more than anything in the universe and you had to accept that you would get to see him again, from afar, most likely, to say goodbye again.

The ceremony had been beautiful, extremely well-planned, of course. It made you smile, to see how they glowed almost literally. It made you happy but not enough, so that remaining space within you that still felt miserable was quickly filled with alcohol and food.

You watched from the sidelines, leaning against the bar with yet another Gin and Tonic in hand as everyone clapped once the couple’s first dance was over. You smiled for a fleeting second before downing the rest of your beverage and signaling the poor bartender to serve you another one with a twirl of your empty glass.

You hoped Minseok had warned him about the crazy, alcoholic friend he had coming over, otherwise he was probably going to judge you for the rest of his life. It’s not like you weren’t okay with that, anyways.

“Going hard on the alcohol, I see”. Chanyeol said as he walked up to you with the sleeves of his dress shirt rolled over his elbows and his hands tucked in the pockets of his black dress pants. The man, apparently, couldn’t stand to wear a full suit, including a tie, for over an hour. You scoffed at him, rolling your eyes as you dismissed him with your hand.

“I thought this…”. You said as you signaled to the space between your two bodies with your index finger. “…was a judgment free zone. Besides, go big or go home and since I can’t go home, I _have_ to go big. It’s the rules”. You shrugged, mocking an innocent expression. It was his turn to roll his eyes.

“You _are_ home”. Chanyeol added once he got a drink of his own and handed you yours, which the bartender had given to him, as well.

You scoffed, taking the glass from his grasp. You didn’t want to show how much those three simple words had affected you, so you just proceeded to drink again.

A few minutes in silence felt like an eternity, especially because your mind kept wandering off to the fact that you haven’t seen Sehun yet and your heart ached a little bit. The alcohol was helping you with your inner pain but, still, it wasn’t a remedy.

Chanyeol’s hand suddenly appeared in front of your body, extended towards you as he smiled with an inviting aura.

“Let’s lay off the alcohol for a little bit and have a dance. You need a distraction or else, I fear you might explode. I swear I can see smoke coming out of your head”. You sighed, closing your eyes shut but taking his hand, nonetheless.

He led you to the dance floor, where many guests were dancing already. You smiled when you passed the table where Jongin was sitting and he shot you a bright smile of his own, the kind that made his eyes wrinkle and made him look like an excited little kid. You had missed him, too.

Chanyeol twirled you in place when you were at the dance floor, grabbing you by the waist with his right hand and supporting your own with his left one. Something about the moment felt weirdly intimate.

*

_You woke up feeling sore and with a crushing doubt. Whatever had happened the night before, you weren’t quite sure. The amount of alcohol you had consumed was way above your tolerance levels and yet you still went along with it. You were too old to handle the hangover now._

_Your head pounded as you stretched your limbs and sat on the edge of your bed, rubbing your temple. A sudden movement from the other side of your bed made your breathing hitch._

_God, no. You thought, as flashes of the previous night appeared in your mind. You had made a mistake._

_“Good morning”. The holder of the deep voice said, only confirming your suspicions. You hissed, struggling to cover yourself with the crumbled up sheets._

_“Chanyeol… Tell me we didn’t…” You stuttered, too scared to look at him so you stayed frozen in place as your eyes locked themselves on a picture frame that laid unbothered and immovable on your desktop._

_“I could tell you we didn’t but that would be a lie”. He said, clearing his throat. You felt the bed dip, indicating that he had gotten up. Still too scared to look at him, you just heard him shuffle and get out of your room. You rushed to put on some clothes before running out of your bedroom, still pretty much sporting your bed hair but who cared anyways, there were far more important things._

_Like the fact that you had slept with Chanyeol in a drunken night out and –pretty much unconsciously– used him as a rebound._

_He looked at you with round eyes, indicating surprise when you stormed out of your room into the living room._

_“Chanyeol, I- I didn’t mean… It wasn’t my intention, I don’t really remember much, I-” You stuttered nonsense, still trying to avoid eye contact with him. He laughed loudly at you as he walked over to wrap his arms around you in a tight, reassuring hug._

_“It’s okay. I can be your rebound whoever many times you want me to, I can keep my feelings at bay. Actually, after seeing you drooling and snoring at night, I think I might’ve fallen out of love”. He chuckled as he patted your back before letting you go and exiting your apartment._

*

After a song or two, you weren’t sure, Chanyeol stopped the swaying and looked at you in the eye, taking you out of your trance.

“How are we holding up?” You were taken aback by the question. Whether he meant you and him, together or just you with your emotional breakdowns, you weren’t sure. You blinked rapidly before laughing awkwardly and stepping away.

And then something, or rather _someone_ appeared in your peripheral and you wanted to melt into a puddle so the tears that you knew were bound to show up wouldn’t be noticeable. Even if it was through the corner of your eye, even if it was in a crowded room with people dancing in the space between you, even then, you knew it was him.

You felt his presence in your soul and his stare made your bones shake. Slowly but surely, you turned your head in his direction to confirm that you weren’t crazy, to confirm that it wasn’t the alcohol making you see things that weren’t there.

But he _was_ there. Looking at you intently with his dark, piercing eyes and he looked exactly as you remembered him. His hair was longer, parted in the middle, giving him an even more mysterious aura than he already had. You shivered, tearing your eyes away from him slowly.

You stumbled a little bit and made your way onto the bar again, this time asking for a shot instead. You needed something stronger. You hissed, slamming down the small glass onto the counter. Chanyeol sat on one of the stools, still looking in Sehun’s direction with a smile that was either angry or knowing, you weren’t quite sure.

The song shifted right when you turned around as well. As if by not seeing him would mean that he was going to disappear. As much as it hurt, you didn’t want him to disappear. Even if you didn’t talk or go near him, you’d feel fine by just seeing him from afar again. To make sure that he was doing okay.

The soft piano melody resounded through the room and the couples who were dancing stood closer together, engulfing each other on their partner’s arms. The gentle, melodic voice sent shivers through your spine again.

“Have you talked to him yet?” Chanyeol asked. You looked at him with a crooked eyebrow, trying to ignore the sharp pain that the mere fact of ending your stare down with Sehun ignited in you.

You gulped before clearing your throat. Sehun’s presence was like dry cinnamon sticking to your throat walls. It was bad yet it gave you some sort of rush.

It was the Sehun effect. It was back. You didn’t want it to be back but at the same time you didn’t want it to go away again.

“Would I be standing here, nervous mess and all, if I had?” You replied sarcastically, knowing very well how much Chanyeol _loved_ those types of replies from you. Especially on serious occasions. “Besides… Even if there was something to talk about –which there is not–, that wouldn’t mean I’d be willing to talk to him. Not now at least. Maybe in another five years”.

You rolled your eyes, avoiding Chanyeol’s judgmental face. You knew you sounded conceited and quite immature for almost a thirty-year-old. But heartbreak made you sourer than you already were and unforeseen scenarios only worsened the situation.

“Don’t think I enjoy being a therapist. Quite honestly, I think we both know how much I despise the fact that you pulled me into that position and I don’t intend on giving you advice on this. So let’s just have another dance and hopefully that will make you lose the frown for at least three minutes… For Minseok’s and Mina’s sake”.

You scoffed but still followed him back to the dance floor, this time avoiding every form of contact with him until you stood back in place.

“I always told you that I’d understand if you didn’t want to talk about it… Or be around me, for that matter. I never forced you to be there for me, I just needed… someone”. You said in a weak voice as you started swaying to the rhythm of the music again.

“And I knew that everything was just because you were heartbroken; you also knew how I felt towards you. How did you expect me to react when I saw you hurting? I couldn’t even help you fully because no one really knew why you two broke up, in the first place. I wanted to get you out of that state and then you suddenly disappeared”.

It was a good thing that you were resting your head on his shoulder, so he wouldn’t see how guilty you were feeling. You had been awful to Chanyeol all along, from the beginning to the end and he was still there.

In one of the turns Chanyeol took, you saw Sehun was now sitting with Jongin, Baekhyun and the rest, eyes still glued to you two as you danced your sorrows away. You clenched your free hand onto a fist but relaxed immediately when you saw him laughing sincerely with his group of friends.

Chanyeol was right. No one ever knew why you two broke up because life changed in an ordinary moment and you didn’t want to burden your group of friends with your relationship issues and now you knew, Sehun thought the same thing because he, also, didn’t tell anyone.

Bottled up feelings were amazing, weren’t they?

“I need a moment”. You said, actually, more like whispered, to Chanyeol. You patted his back as you exited the room and went out to get some fresh air. You hugged yourself when a chilly breeze hit you. The sun was setting, the birds were chirping and you could hear some sort of creek running in the distance; everything seemed so serene around you and yet there you were, just being your usual, wrecked self.

After walking around for ten minutes or so, you came across a couple swings. You sat down, letting out a breath you didn’t know were holding as you contemplated the pink-toned sunset before you.

You rested your head against the swing’s chain, careful not to get your hair tangled on it and you let your eyes close, starting to doze off as you felt the alcohol diluting in your bloodstream, slowly.

“So, you came…”. His hoarse voice made your eyes shot back open again. Your heartbeat was erratic; you fisted the fabric of your dress. You would’ve jumped from the swing but you didn’t have enough strength to do so.

Sehun walked around the swings to take a seat on the empty one besides you. You watched him silently but still quite surprised.

“So did you”. You replied once he was settled down. You watched him as he looked up at the sky. The peach toned light hitting his face perfectly, in ways you had forgotten it was possible. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he gulped.

“It’s Minseok’s wedding, I wouldn’t miss it”. He raised an eyebrow as he looked back at you. You scoffed, trying to mask your nervousness.

“Ditto”. You laughed dryly, looking back at the –now darker– sky. Maybe appearing calm as you contemplated the clouds would make it seem like you weren’t basically dying inside, like you weren’t fighting back the urge to hold his hand, to hug him, to tell him that you missed him.

He smiled at your response, you couldn’t help but smirk, as well.

Silence, a dear old friend, came back to settle upon you two. You wondered if he could read you like a book still. You wondered if he was able to sense how tense you were, how anxious yet relaxed, at the same time. You wondered if he was feeling the same way.

“I heard you became an Editor in Chief, congratulations”. He said, smiling with pursed lips. You looked at him again with a puzzled expression. Everyone had tried to guard you from whatever Sehun was doing with is life, yet apparently, it hadn’t been like that with him. “Must be hectic”.

You laughed dryly, looking down at your hands and at how they were still clenching your dress.

“Thanks. Nothing I can’t handle, though”. You said, trying to sound proud and confident. Failed attempt, probably.

“I know that”. Sehun said, starting to sway on the swing slightly. You watched him, careless of if it appeared creepy. You wanted to memorize him again. Not that you had forgotten about him, not in the slightest, you just wanted to refresh your memory. Pin point the freckles on his face and neck in case you wouldn’t see him again after today.

“You and Chanyeol seem to have gotten even closer, how’s that working out?” And there it was. You had been expecting him to bring up the subject, ever since you caught him staring at you two on the dance floor and you felt his eyes follow you around when you talked to Chanyeol. Sehun wasn’t blind but he also wasn’t aware.

“He’s a good friend”. You said, voice monotone. Sehun stopped swaying to turn his head to look at you, a frown taking over his forehead. “What? Did you expect me to tell you we were together? Newsflash, I don’t feel that way towards him anymore, in case you forgot”.

Assuming things was one of the reasons why the relationship ended and there you were again. As if it hadn’t ruined you and gave you unbearable discomfort for years on end. Sehun and you locked eyes. He was confused and you were dumbfounded and that stirred fury within you, reason why you blurted out an unnecessary question.

“How’s Sunhee?” You raised your eyebrows at him. At that point, whether tears rimmed your eyes or not, you didn’t care.

“I wouldn’t know, I haven’t talked to her in years”. Sehun said, voice deeper than usual as his eyes bore onto yours. You turned your head around, drying the single tear that was rolling down your cheek with the back of your hand.

“Hey, lovebirds! It’s picture time!” At the sound of Baekhyun’s yelling, you both turned your heads over your shoulders, seeing the overly excited, probably too-drunk-to-function friend of yours, waving his arms at you.

You sighed, getting up and smoothing down your dress. “Let’s go”. You muttered, trying to pretend you didn’t say anything before Baekhyun’s interruption.

Sehun trailed closely behind you, so close you could feel his bodily heat warming up your exposed back. Everyone was already waiting for you in one of the room’s balconies, with the couple standing in the middle. They were all laughing and cracking jokes and, God did you miss them.

Chanyeol stood on the further end, smiling at you; this time you knew it was a knowing, caring smile. You were thankful for Chanyeol.

Sehun stood closely next to you.

“Just like the old times” Jongin said, half laughing as you all stood up straight for the photo to be taken. You smiled as well.

“Scoot in closer together!” The photographer yelled, making hand gestures. Your heart skipped a beat when you felt Sehun’s hand on your shoulder, you couldn’t help but look up at him when he did so. A flash took you out of your trance, making you face forward and smile to the camera.

After a few more shots were taken everyone scattered again. Jongin dragged Sehun and the rest to the dance floor; he was eager to show off his dance moves and have fun with his friends, just like old times.

You took that as your cue to escape to your small bungalow.

As soon as you changed out of your dress and laid on bed, your body caved to tiredness, both mental and physical and you fell asleep.

Hours passed, you weren’t sure how many. The sky outside was still pretty dark, the music had stopped at some point, so you assumed it was well into the night and yet, now you felt unable to fall back asleep. You poured yourself a glass of water before adventuring back out. Your feet dragged you to the set of swings from before.

As if your body wanted to relieve the few minutes you had spent with him before. You stopped on your tracks when you saw a figure already sitting at the swings. You laughed dryly, rolling your eyes but you thought, _fuck it_ and you made your way to him.

“Having trouble sleeping as well?” He muttered when you stopped next to him. You shrugged, even when you weren’t sure if he could see you.

“I’ve gotten used to not getting much sleep”. You muttered, taking a seat on the unoccupied swing.

Sehun looked at you with a crooked eyebrow and a smug smirk.

“Still a terrible liar”. You scoffed, not taking your eyes off of him.

The sound of birds chirping had been replaced by the crickets; giving the atmosphere a calmer, gentler, more melancholic feeling. Ironically suitable for your company.

Silence wasn’t uncomfortable, yet it wasn’t the most pleasant. It was filled with sadness, regret and feelings you couldn’t put into words. You wanted to have him back in your life, yes, it didn’t matter if it wasn’t as a lover. You missed your best friend more than anything. You missed his sarcasm and his brutal honesty but you didn’t know how to say that.

How could you fix something that you weren’t sure why it broke in the first place? You knew the trust had been damaged, you knew you probably pushed him away with your behavior so how were you supposed to apologize for that? For not trusting him? For shutting him out?

“I’m sorry”. His words made you jump. “I’m sorry for hurting you and for not telling you about what happened. I was terrified that you might hate me and probably kill me in my sleep”. Sehun laughed emotionlessly. What a dumbass. “Didn’t realize it made things worse, I just didn’t want to make you feel hurt. I guess I sort of forgot that you were extremely good at reading people and have like a sixth sense of sorts”. He huffed. You rolled your eyes.

“Because hiding that you were talking to an ex-girlfriend that had expressed her disgust towards me so fervently and denying it when I asked you about it was the way to go”. You said. You couldn’t help the venom that spilt with every word you pronounced; it still hurt yet it also hurt that you reacted so childishly about it.

“I know I fucked up. I know it probably looked very twisted, I know I should’ve told you about her brother being a friend of mine and the situations he was involved in. I should’ve explained instead of keeping it all to myself. But I thought you knew I would never cheat on you, let alone with _her_ ”.

Sehun rested his elbows on his knees, head turned to your direction as he scanned your face for whatever hint of emotion you might show.

“I’m sorry for not letting you explain and for assuming things. What made me mad wasn’t the possibility of you finding someone else, it was the feeling that the trust we had was destroyed; that my best friend was gone”. You felt your throat tightening little by little as you spoke; as you remembered the things that led you to your break up.

The uncertainty, the silence. Sehun coming to bed late at night without letting you know. The secrets. His sassy, sarcastic persona disappearing as time went by.

The crickets’ chirping grew louder, as did so the water on the stream. It felt unreal, to be there, confessing your wrong doings to each other after five years of not meeting, of not talking, of not knowing anything about the other and yet him always lingering at the back of your mind. A reminder that you had lost the one you loved the most because of a tantrum, most likely.

The moon shined brightly up in the sky and it had a calming effect on you. It was either the moon or Sehun, or maybe the combination of the two. After a few minutes in relative silence, Sehun cleared his throat, sighing after doing so.

“Seeing you with Chanyeol made me realize how much I miss you… Not that I didn’t miss you before, of course, but… It killed me a little bit, not going to lie. Seeing you dancing with him, talking to him, laughing and rolling your eyes at what he said. I miss that, all of that… So, I guess, what I’m trying to say is: I miss you more than you think and I love you more than I did before, if that’s even possible…”

Everything in you, every centimeter of your skin, every cell in your body went numb. He was still reading your mind; he still had a key to your heart. Sehun, whether he realized it or not, was still able to feel what you were feeling. His head hung low, as he looked intently at his hands rather than looking at you in the eye.

You gulped with difficulty. You felt your heart expand and beat stronger than before, on the verge of exploding. Hearing him say those words was like you reading your own thoughts out loud.

“And if you don’t hate me or won’t kill me while I sleep, I would like to be with you again, if you take me. I want to be the one who makes you smile and roll your eyes when I say something stupid. I want you to kiss me to get me shut up, or the other way around. I want to hug you when you actually want to punch me instead and I want to be the one that buys you your morning latte with two extra shots every morning just so I get to see your frown turn into a smile… If you let me. If you forgive me for being such an oblivious idiot”.

He raised his head to look at you again, a hint of a sad smile threatening to appear on his face.

If you jumped onto his arms, would it seem desperate?

You stood up, instead, feeling his eyes follow your every movement closely. You put a hand on his shoulder as you looked down at him, probably with stars in your eyes.

“We’re both oblivious idiots”. He smiled brightly at you. “Pull that move on me again and I _will_ kill you in your sleep”. You tried to sound threatening but it was useless as the smile on your face was too big to pull it off.

-

“Do you really have to leave so soon?” Jongin pouted as they all walked you to the airport. You had insisted they shouldn’t come because you knew they all had things to do but, as usual, no one really listened to what you had to say.

“I have things to take care of on the other side of the country, Jongin”. You sighed, pulling your bag over your head to secure it in place.

“It’s not our fault you decided to flee to a city that’s so far away, is it?” Jongin huffed, acting like a little boy. You laughed, seeing how Sehun cleared his throat before unceremoniously shoving Jongin away with more force than necessary and then pretending he didn’t almost kill the poor man.

You laughed at them, still acting like younglings.

“Let us know when you land”. Chanyeol said with a smile from where he was standing behind Minseok. You nodded, also with a smile. You waved them goodbye as you started to make your way to security.

You were almost there when you felt a hand hold onto yours. You turned around with a confused frown.

“It’s not like old times if you don’t take this nuisance with you”. Sehun smiled proudly at you while pointing at himself with his index finger, as if he had made some groundbreaking comment or discovery of sorts.

“This nuisance is probably going to annoy the shit out of the airplane crew and have it crash somewhere”. You raised your eyebrows at him but still, continued to go through security with him sticking right behind you.

“Well, for the record, you’re the only one that thinks I’m annoying to point where people would kill themselves to get rid of me… But, if that happens, at least we would’ve lived and died together”.

You let out a laugh due to his twisted logic as you proceeded to put on your jacket and your shoes again as you were now done with security check.

“What a privilege”. You scoffed, rolling your eyes at him as you waited for him to be done.

“It’d be my pleasure to die by your side, knowing that you love me, at least a little bit”. He raised his eyebrows at you and you rolled your eyes once more as you extended your hand for him to take.

He did and he didn’t let go.

_________________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who has read and liked this story. Inflection Point was a ride and I’m so glad that there were people who enjoyed reading it and patiently waited for my updates and endured my lack of proof reading heh. Anyways, this is the end, hope everyone liked it ~


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